桃花谈
-
Coolkidsrock2:
My son just asked me today why is it that I cannot stand with him in life.
sorry I don't get this. What did he mean huh?
Coolkidsrock2, don't need to plan anything for them.
Just be good yourself and then they will be good and they will have their own 本事 to 积 their own 福德.
In a sense, don't need to give them fish, you have to teach them how to fish (by being filial / kind) coz this kind of fishing then will last for many generations to come instead of maybe stop short once you pass on...
PS to all readers:
Pardon some of my spelling and grammar mistakes peppered in my writing, esp any piece written in the afternoon (coz I have to steal time to peep here). My dominant language is still Chinese and so Queen's English is not an auto thing to me. I lazy to go check for mistakes and would rather spend time writing hor... -
Been a silent reader all this while and honestly i have learn alot, i have never forgave my ex for leaving the family.
Never forgave my dad for not being at my mothers death bed when i was 12 he told me he was too busy to come told me a 12 yr old to settle things on my own.
i must thank the lord above though he took away my mum he gave me my granny who brought me up since small, without her endless encoragment i may have always stuck at the hole.
But this yr i dont know where i got the strength to really start to let go the harted towards my daddy i called him up and went to se him as usual normally our cny meeting is silence but this yr was different i made small talk with him and amazingly we even can gossip about some stuff together yes i am still learning to let go totally it will take time alot of it, but i guess this is a very good start.
Whereas for my ex i have totally gave up on him even for the kids sake as even my son has given up on the father he said he will never turn up want la u see he never answer his calls at all and this yr i will not be taking the initative to go down mil side to try to mend i am tired already. -
I like to think I have a blessed life. While I "inherited" my mother’s quick temper, I also have her conscientious attitude. I am lucky that I have none of my father boastful, spendthrift character. I have seen them quarrelled all the times since young. It affects me only slightly; I formed the thought that marriage does not mean have to stay together if unhappy. However, I have second thoughts now, seeing them growing old, though still not in good term, their togetherness make our family felt complete. They have also learnt to live in peace.
I married a very "calm" husband who does not argue with me despite my quick temper. I used to get angrier when he kept quiet while I want a "response“。 I have since accepted his "good nature" …haha. My three children are all so different,sometimes I wondered, same food same treatment, why so different… have accepted we are born different, now learnt another term, their 名盘. Recently, I seem to be in my "quick tempered" mode whenever I get involved in the children’s matter… from asking them to stand straight, to tidy their tables, to worrying about their studies and character development. Now I remind myself to 放下 … 儿孙自有儿孙福。I will remind and support them, the rest is up to them.
Another important reminder is for myself … be patient and do more good deeds 积德 -
Insider,
You are accurate to point out that I am a kiasu parent.
I feel a sense of unease, when effort has not been put in, maximum effort I mean, to achieve a certain tangible goal like academic. Borderline a workaholic, straining relationship with husband when I was working. Demanding certain expectation from myself, the period of working, part time studying and coping with family was tough as I demanded 100% effort from myself both professionally and academically but expect family to understand my predicament and accept my lesser involvement. Come to think of it, I was somewhat then turning into my dad, and agree that I draw a lot of my life decision , strengths from him. I spent a lot of time as a child listening to his lectures and ‘grandfather’ stories as some one had to tune in when he was in the mood and I didn’t dare to walk away
like my other siblings did.
Another issue I am trying to work out myself is what you wrote about living a life for ourselves and not for our parents. I draw a lot of emotional feelings from these talks from my dad and the part I am still struggling now is the financial part, which my husband is slowly trying to change me. I am a miser(??) wrt expenditure,calculative to a certain extent that I can drive my husband nuts. Stories of the tough childhood my dad lived and witnessing how despair he looked when he lost his job or putting up with nonsense at work just to keep the job, all these stories leave a deep impression in me. It is no wonder my husband feels that kids shouldn’t be overtly worried about family financial situation and should enjoy being kids. I still working on getting over the fact that we can now afford certain luxury and should enjoy so instead of harping over wasting money - I feel guilty just going for a extended hair treatment as I find it hard to justify ‘wasting’ that money, so the part on pamperg oneself, I am still working on it with my husband’s help. -
insider:
It is scary, isn't it.ruohoo97:
Here again, \"seeding theory\"?! My boys are all tender hearted, while my daughter is just like me! I see the urgent need to change myself, so that she will not be like me just I am like my mother (in many bad ways).:(
So thank you Insider, 桃花谈，对我是一个及时的警钟。还有请您多多指教。！
Errr...I will be more worried for your sons then your daughters coz your daughters may have higher chance of marrying men like your husband and your sons marrying people like....YOU!
My dad always tells me 儿孙自有儿孙福，莫为儿孙做牛马
,
hahahaha...
Freud's Oedipus Complex sort of also 'validated' part of Seedlings Theory...
So, yes, for the sake of your kids, esp your sons, do change yourself for the better...
PS:
You are so lucky to be protected by your dad away from your mum's bright 桃花. If I am not wrong, you should look charming coz your mum's 桃花 more or less will still rub onto you... -
jedamum:
I still working on getting over the fact that we can now afford certain luxury and should enjoy so instead of harping over wasting money - I feel guilty just going for a extended hair treatment as I find it hard to justify 'wasting' that money, so the part on pamperg oneself, I am still working on it with my husband's help.
jedamum,
go do your hair extension + even your eyelash extension if those make you feel good!
Go Go Go!!!
PS: Catch up again tonight...
OK, let's revise my Money Bowl Theory in 2009:
1.\tEveryone comes to this world more or less with a Money Bowl of a relatively fixed size. Person A may come with a Size $10,000, Person B $100,000, Person C $1,000,000, etc. This means if Person A tries and tries to thrift and save and eventually reaches $11,000, something will happen to let the extra $1,000 flows out, be it involving in a car accident, losing a wallet, someone falls sick in a family, etc. This further means good to know the size of your Money Bowl and works around that size and not to force in a way… (don’t ask me how to know the size of one’s Money Bowl. Usually one will know himself when seeing his money going in and out, out and in…).
Applying this concept to my younger brother. Whenever he wants to buy big ticket items, my mum will nag and nag. I will tell my mum my brother’s bowl is of that size and so now it’s time for his money to flow out. It’s only when his excess money flows out then his ‘new’money can come in (Feng Shui of Money). If she insists that my brother not to buy a new car, then the ‘over exploding’ money will have to find other means to run out of the bowl and such ‘other means’ may not be positive ones (such as involving with woman, etc). I trained my mum well enough not to nag at my brother anymore whenever he is making big ticket item purchases… (my brother is sensitive person and I personally feel he deserves to have all those things that he wants after his hard work. Life’s short afterall…BTW, my brother bought a car under my mum’s approval subsequently. Then he struck a big lottery with his new car’s number. This incidence may seem coincidental but my mum seems to believe in this concept after it happened.)
So wives here. If your husband wants to splurge on big ticket items, you may consider supporting it instead of nagging and nagging (if the nagging helps in the first place from stopping the purchase). Same applicable to the husbands here. If your wife spends = you may have higher chance of making more money...
2.\tMoney that you spent on any kind of education on yourself will return in terms of money or in kind in multiple folds. So, don’t thrift on education.
3.\tMoney that you give to your parents will come back in multiple folds. Conversely speaking, if one is not giving money to their parents, one will not be able to enjoy such kind of ‘return in investment’ (return in terms of money or in kind). So, if you can afford, give a % of your earnings / making to your parents. (Not saying that we give coz we want to get the returns. The point here is giving actually can make us richer at the end while some may feel if he gives, he / his family will be poorer. Giving money to parents reaps many positive karma points for self = kids in future likely to make more money and such money is likely to be shared with you. The tighter you want to hold on to this purse string, the poorer you / your child maybe as the time goes). It took my eldest sister sometime to understand this concept and now instead of worrying that after giving she may not be able to support her family, she gives generously (she is also a filial child but used to calculate each cent that she spent coz of the need to plan for the future…).
So, parents here, when you grow old and your child/children want to give you money, please take it coz you are building positive karma energy for your child in the long run…
4.\tIll gotten money / money obtained through dishonest means or cheating will know how to find their way out of your Money Bowl. For example, someone cheats the company $100, this someone’s child/parents may fall sick and need to see a doctor and that $100 or more will flow out. The higher the sum involved, the more serious the illness will be = have to obtain ‘clean’ money instead of otherwise.
5.\tWhen doing bargaining, don’t bargain to the rock bottom and must always give people something to make. The worst bargaining actually is bargain to the extent when people are making a loss (that person may be in need of money for urgent matter and have to let go of goods to serve that needs). This kind of deal is closed is actually the worst deal as one is likely to be cursed after the deal instead of gratefulness. Getting a rock bottom bargain may satisfy your whatsoever for a while, but the Feng Shui will return either to you or your child/children during their work/business dealings that someone may cut your throat the same way, resulting in greater overall loss.
6.\tIf you worth a Bonia, buy a Bonia; if you worth an LV, buy an LV. This means if an LV person lowers himself to a Bonia, then his evaluation of his self-worth actually is lower and this person is unlikely to be successful in a way. To illustrate this, I have a friend who is a multi-millionaire. I went with him and his family (wife + 3 kids) to Taiwan. I was quite shock when I saw him bargaining with a street hawker for a jacket which was about S$10.00 for himself (Warren Buffett??) This shows he valued himself only at “$10” in a way. People who can afford should not in a sense ‘fight’ with the poorer lot for cheaper goods and they should support higher end products (and therefore the earnings of staff in those shops) and in this way, they value their self-worth + will reap positive karma returns and continue to be rich. Relating to Concept 1, he only spent $10, he will only make back probably $10. If he can buy a Hermes $10,000 jacket, probably he can find back the same money as the bowl is short of that amount...
7. Wealthier men usually have their money controlled by their wives - willingly. I am still trying to see how true this concept is among my friends... -
Your money theory is interesting. What about spendthrifts?
I know a single working woman who is living with parents and hardly pays for anything. She spends on cosmetics, clothes and shoes, but ends up not wearing half and then giving them away or throwing them when she can no longer wear or use them. She can buy the same item in 6 different colors, over fifty branded lipsticks, new bags and shoes (mid range brand like crumpler, coach, hush puppies, nine west) every few weeks. She doesn’t give money to her parents and only pay for Internet/tv bills. When she eats out with family, she doesn’t pay either. But she is nice in every other way. After working for 15 years, her savings is still less than 20k. We keep advising her to save more and her mother offered to buy her a flat as a form of insurance against old age but she just won’t do anything except shopping and watching tv.
No one is asking her to fork out more, but her parents worry about her spending habits. Her brother is willing to let her have the parents’ house in future for financial security. she doesn’t earn a lot, about $3k plus.
(ps should we hive the ‘money talk’ to a separate thread? I think there is a lot of interest in both ‘life plate/ci Xiang look’ and ‘money bowl’, and I don’t want to distract from the ‘life plate’ discussion which I am also reading eagerly!) -
Sorry insider for not submitting my homework. let me ponder somemore then handup okie?
On the money plate, I think it’s quite true leh. Years back, my parents loaned the kids some money to buy property…to the extent their savings were quite dried up. then they struck lottery that made up for what they had shelled out. These days the money they loaned was slowly returned to them…so no more lottery luck.
But on the other hand, it’s a bit scary…spendthrifts will use this to rationalise why they should keep spending - and it could be on really things they don’t use. I do wonder how to keep balance leh?
Final wonder. if I keep my money away from myself, eg buy shares, put far away until I cannot see, will the money multiply? -
hquek:
I think as long as it is wise decisions that cover 'needs', then it would 'recuperated' one way or another. We don't buy lotteries, but DH had a bad debt 'recuperated' by meeting a 'generous' client about 1-2 years after he 'let go' of his client who did not pay up.
On the money plate, I think it's quite true leh. Years back, my parents loaned the kids some money to buy property...to the extent their savings were quite dried up. then they struck lottery that made up for what they had shelled out. These days the money they loaned was slowly returned to them....so no more lottery luck.
But on the other hand, it's a bit scary....spendthrifts will use this to rationalise why they should keep spending - and it could be on really things they don't use. I do wonder how to keep balance leh?
Final wonder. if I keep my money away from myself, eg buy shares, put far away until I cannot see, will the money multiply? -
hquek:
Not insider, but I think it will leh. Since i started working i will put away every excess $10k into something, i just don't like to see my balance over or under a certain mark. And somehow i never have problem maintaining it or finding money from some sources even throu pregnancy, and becoming a SAHM/WAHM unlike what I often read of other women's experiences.
Final wonder. if I keep my money away from myself, eg buy shares, put far away until I cannot see, will the money multiply?
Maybe the intention of what we want to do with the money counts too? My money is earmarked for causes that are important to me.
Hello! It looks like you're interested in this conversation, but you don't have an account yet.
Getting fed up of having to scroll through the same posts each visit? When you register for an account, you'll always come back to exactly where you were before, and choose to be notified of new replies (either via email, or push notification). You'll also be able to save bookmarks and upvote posts to show your appreciation to other community members.
With your input, this post could be even better 💗
Register Login