桃花谈
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All the posts shared have been massively insightful and thought provoking.
Not sure how I should start, but would like to do some sharing too …
We used to visit my PIL (BIL stays with them) every alternate week over the the first 10+ years of my marriage. In 2011, PIL and BIL moved into their newly upgraded enbloc flat, with BIL being the newly minted part owner due to PIL’s age for loans, etc. due to the upgrade of flat size. MIL has since frequently mentioned that it is BIL’s flat, and duly lets BIL and wife occupy the master bedroom.
I am not at well versed with Geomacy and stuff, but I believed this totally changed the dynamics in the household. I visited the new flat before renovation and found the flat to be cheerful and welcoming despite being bare, the "nice" feeling that most of us would get if the Qi of place is in harmony (not sure if I make sense here?). After they moved in, it’s all changed. Whenever we visited, the place will always bring down our moods, and it’s not just mine, but my hubby’s as well. It is almost the same as the old flat, the only difference is that the new flat is brighter than the old flat. To me, it is a sad place, lack of genuine laughter and care, and everything / everyone is treating one another very superficially.
Since their move, my hubby has rarely wanted to visit. It used to be, no matter how unhappy / moody I felt, I would still visit during the visitation weeks because I feel that it is only right to do so, regardless of how I felt. I also wanted to educate my children that regardless, we must always visit our parents / grandparents. Now, I have to be the one asking my hubby when he wants to visit his parents, and even have to plan it in our schedule to visit. It’s so ironic.
I asked my hubby what has changed, since they are still his parents. He said, "I have grown up". I have to laugh at this, but seriously, I think the change in my PIL’s household dynamics have given rise to some positiveness for my hubby. I think my hubby has finally been able to let go of something, though I am not sure what. Maybe the old flat is holding him down because the old flat was where he gew up and where he was the main pilar of strength for MIL during some really trying times, and this new place has no holding over him or whatsoever, I don’t know. What I do know is that, with this "let go" that has taken place, I feel a greater inner peace myself too, and is able to come to terms with some of the happenings, and I can feel myself being a tiny bit more forgiving for the double standards that MIL practices.
Funny as it would be, I also start to feel some empathy for my PIL. Not sure why, but I think MIL would been happier if they are staying by themselves.
I know I still have some stuff to let go, and close an eye to, such as their flawed values - that it is acceptable for BIL and wife not to visit ANY relatives and grandparents at all during the 15 days of CNY. This set of flawed values makes me very angry, but I have just barely gotten over it.
I figured if one day, I am able to rebuke / correct MIL for her flawed values just as I would if she is my own mum, our relationship will be better. I need the 智 and 勇 to approach this. -
limlim:
must be those 桃花 who is not 贵人 that can help but those fatal attraction with no love but filled with greed and lust.
Can share why you call him a \"烂桃花\"? what happened?insider:
Two months ago I met a 烂桃花.
So, while I am not interested in that 烂桃花 whom I made clear to him that I am married with kids, I am interested to do my little matchmaking.
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Per title mah.....
no answer to my question..... :sad: -
Hi,
Seems that many of the sharings concerned relationship with in laws, particularly, MIL. I remember reading many years ago, about the story of a woman who was so angry with her MIL that she plotted to kill her. I googled and found it! Hope it can be a source of inspiration for some of us.....
The Poison of Love
by Dr. Yang, Jwing-Ming
A long time ago, a girl named Li-Li got married and went to live with her husband and mother-in-law.
In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn't get along with her mother-in-law at all. Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law's habits. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.
Days passed days, and weeks passed weeks. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting. But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish. All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing the poor husband great distress.
Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-law's bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it.
Li-Li went to see her father's good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs. She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all.
Mr. Huang thought for awhile, and finally said, Li-Li, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you.
Li-Li said, \"Yes, Mr. Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do.\"
Mr. Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs.
He told Li-Li, \"You can't use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious. Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare some pork or chicken and put a little of these herbs in her serving. Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspects you when she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. Don't argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen.\"
Li-Li was so happy. She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law.
Weeks went by, and months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr. Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother.
After six months had passed, the whole household had changed. Li-Li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset. She hadn't had an argument in six months with her mother-in-law, who now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with.
The mother-in-law's attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in-law one could ever find. Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter. Li-Li's husband was very happy to see what was happening.
One day, Li-Li came to see Mr. Huang and asked for his help again. She said, \"Dear Mr. Huang, please help me to keep the poison from killing my mother-in-law! She's changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not want her to die because of the poison I gave her.\"
Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head. \"Li-Li, there's nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. All of the herbs I gave you were simply to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her.\"
MORAL: Friends, have you ever realized that how you treat others is exactly how they will treat you? In China it is said: The person who loves others will also be loved.
Dr. Yang, Jwing-Ming, is a renowned author and teacher of Chinese martial arts and Qigong. Born in Taiwan, he has trained and taught Taijiquan, Qigong and Chinese martial arts for over forty-five years. He is the author of over thirty books, and was elected by Inside Kung Fu magazine as one of the 10 people who has \"made the greatest impact on martial arts in the past 100 years.\" Dr. Yang lives in Northern California. -
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insider, thank you for starting this thread, and thank you, everyone for your sharing. I've learnt a lot from all of you
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hquek:
I think kids nowadays are very lucky & spoil. I also spend on kids & most of the time buy kids' stuff. SAHM tend to put kids before themselves.hi cool_hi,
my personal views. nope, not silly - as long as that makes you happy. I don't spend on myself much and I don't quite care to. I am happier buying stuff for kids. The one thing I do spend on myself these days are books. guess the key thing would be to feel you are not shortchanging yourself. -
SAHM_TAN:
Everyday is a test for me.Events started to \"test\" me after I started reading this thread. Keeping in mind what you and others have shared, some events I managed better than what I would have done in the past. Day 1, I was greeted with 3 of my Achellis' heel type problem, one in the morning, one in the afternoon and one at night. These 3 I handled better than I have ever done, not best resolution but much better. Day 2, I was \"tested\" again but I failed miserably. I guess I thought the testing period was over but I was wrong. I did very badly but one thing changed, I didn't let my failure roll over to the next day. This is something different. I will do what I can. It's a feeble promise but after experiencing average success...........I will take each test as it comes.
Monday, my younger boy needed to stay at home to rest becos he slept late for the previous night to finish up school assignment he forgot for the whole day and woke up feeling dizzy in the morning. I forgo my plan to go to IMM.
Tuesday, my younger boy forgot to call me there was no supplementary class. I got his call when I reached Jurong East MRT. I returned home immediately to open the house door for him and ate my lunch at 3pm.
Wednesday, he riled me with his nose digging at the dining table during dinner.
Monday, I was still calm.
Tuesday, I did not scold him. I went back to IMM, returned home to cook dinner and went out again.
Wednesday, I did not scold him. I also did not talk to him - like a cold war.
Today, I talked to him in a matter of a fact manner. It is really hard for me to talk nice to him. Really hard. -
Finally managed to finish reading all 32 pages!
Thank you insider for sharing.
A lot of what you mentioned resonated with me.
I didn’t know that parents have "multiplier effect".
Luckily I have always been very kind to my parents and MIL. Heehee. -
limlim:
Per title mah.....
no answer to my question..... :sad:
ok lah ok lah limlim. Stop hopping around 'gloomily' and i will take this small pocket of time to share something light (so as to 'justify' the thread title? heeheehee...).
Any person of sexual attraction that appears outside one's marriage = 烂桃花.
He still appears to be 'very keen' despite knowing that I am married.
He is a few years younger than me and has been smsing me like almost every weekend to go out (in groups).
Just like he is a 烂桃花 to me, actually I am also such to him coz if I am someone who is flirtatious, then may end up like Gay or one of those recently 'famous' ones with a broken family.
He is an experienced businessman and I do expect some sort of 'maturity' in him and let's see whether I can 'straighten' something with him discreetly this weekend to remain as an acquaintance or a simple friend.
If by this weekend either of my friends cannot find any possible chemistry with the man whom I 'spotted', then I will stop meeting him again. (his friend looks 'brighter' than him in terms of 慧根).
Actually all these men make me wonder about the danger of 烂桃花 which are quite aplenty outside if one is not careful enough and the danger of a spouse mis-picking up one if he / she is in a bad mood and from there, to start a probable tragedy...
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