桃花谈
-
BlueBells:
first is build the 仁. If you have the 仁，your will open up your 智. Once you have the 智， then the 勇 will be there.
I figured if one day, I am able to rebuke / correct MIL for her flawed values just as I would if she is my own mum, our relationship will be better. I need the 智 and 勇 to approach this.
so train yourself to have more 仁 first - by being compassionate and forgiving towards everyone and start with your family members...
if without this 仁，then one will not be as 'powderful' when he/she wants to 'convince' another party to listen...
Thanks BlueBells for taking the time to contribute!
PS:
When dealing with old folks, I feel it's not so important whether they are right or wrong. If things are of not life threatening nature, even if they are wrong we can also close one eye instead of trying to correct them...For example, not everything that my mum does is correct but I will just oblige to keep her happy coz making her happy (and not making myself happy) is my Guiding Principle whenever I come into contact with her. Nothing matter more than the Happiness of my mum - that's my Guiding Principle that I will never lose sight of!) -
Funz:
Fortune telling is sort of like a Pandora Box and so I don't encourage people to purposely go and tell fortune.I have this thing that has been kinda a nagging worry that surfaces now and then. That is why I don't quite like the idea of fortune telling...
This thread brought that nagging worry back again.
You see I don't even tell the fortune of my own kids until recently I told for my niece.
My elder son, as you know, has always been a daredevil that loves sports that make my heart skips a beat.
His main star is a 七杀 star - is a star that will not be contented with staying at the same place and doing the same thing. It's a chiong and chiong star. Basically this full of fighting spirit star comes with high probable chances of injuries.
If I would have seen his stars earlier, I might have worried myself unnecessarily for the past 19 years.
All this while, I have been keeping my cool and accepted his risk taking nature (coz even if I want to stop him, I don't think this will bring the both of us anywhere coz he is unlikely to listen). What I have been doing is still to grow my internal wisdom to rub on him so that he can be protected by the 'membrane'.
He is such a kind boy. So, he should be fine...
PS:
Earlier on you mentioned someone told you you'll always have a 贵人 with you. I suspect this 贵人 is the 解神 star which is a 'force' or someone who may appear to help you to 逢凶化吉. So, don't be too affected by the talk that your son will 'ke' you. You are a relatively strong woman and so should have enough wisdom to receive the 'force' of 解神 to deal with your son even he is really going to be your 克星. You see, he can be a 克星 but then if you are strong enough with the help of 解神, then you can overpower him to prevent him from 克ing you.
Continue to be kind and nothing can harm you... -
insider:
Insider, thanks for teaching this perspective.vinegar,
Little assignment for you to do...
1. Draw a monthly chart with 31 boxes.
2. Abstain from shouting / screaming at your child even you are going crazy (still so small at 9, cannot keep being so 'rude' to him huh. Wait til he turns 13 then you will know his full colours) .
3. Put a Star Sticker on each day that you reflect you do not shout at him.
4. If you can consecutively get 30 stars without any break in between, then you will be rewarded with a much better behaved child.
Game enough to play?
PS:
If 30 stars are too 'far' for you, then you start with a 7 Stars, then 14 Stars, and so on. It's ok to keep failing but you have to keep trying...
As parents we are all too aware of this strategy when managing our kids' behaviour, and motivating them using a reward system towards desiared behaviour. And yes, we always start with small steps, and then stretch our goals ...
But it never occurs to me to turn the tables on we ourselves when we do not 'behave'. For me, its just right there but it has not been there.
谢谢点醒. -
Hi insider,
your post is very inspirational and enlightening to me, i am still tracking and reading it since day 1, sometime, i will re-read it
you've mention that it is no good to look for fortune teller.
last year, i have been to one
reason being is , DH has not been doing well in his job and things were not smooth for him. he is at a cross-junction and kind of lost. then someone recommended me a Fengshui master and i tot no harm trying and see if there is any improvement.to cut the story short, after seeing him, things did improve a little. his biz pick up, slowly but steady.
FS master mentioned some of the things you've said here too, such as doing good, have good thought and never steal or rob, control temper (esp DH, he is a good man but quick-tempered). she said DH life is not smooth due to his bad tempered. and also, he reminded him to be filial to his mother, the closer he is to her, the better his life will be..
but may i know what adverse consequeces will we have like what you mentioned on seeing a fengshui master to 改运? -
insider:
My younger boy is a chiong type person, very blunt with his words and actions. At the age of not reaching 2 y.o. he got into an accident with his tricycle while going down a slope after getting me to agree to let go of the handle of the tricycle. There were a blood gushing, yet he told me no need to see doctor. He needed stitches.My elder son, as you know, has always been a daredevil that loves sports that make my heart skips a beat.
His main star is a 七杀 star - is a star that will not be contented with staying at the same place and doing the same thing. It's a chiong and chiong star. Basically this full of fighting spirit star comes with high probable chances of injuries.
If I would have seen his stars earlier, I might have worried myself unnecessarily for the past 19 years.
All this while, I have been keeping my cool and accepted his risk taking nature (coz even if I want to stop him, I don't think this will bring the both of us anywhere coz he is unlikely to listen). What I have been doing is still to grow my internal wisdom to rub on him so that he can be protected by the 'membrane'.
He is such a kind boy. So, he should be fine...
I feel that whenever I listened to him and do things his ways, many times I regret my decision. I always say \"It is wrong to listen to a Wong\"
This morning, he set up a test for me. I managed to keep my cool. :rahrah: -
Jennifer:
:rahrah: well done Jennifer, :please:insider:
My elder son, as you know, has always been a daredevil that loves sports that make my heart skips a beat.
He is such a kind boy. So, he should be fine... That sounds like my eldest son too. He had three injuries due to play soccer. Yet he is such a kind, gentle boy, I just feel God will take care of him:)
My younger boy is a chiong type person, very blunt with his words and actions. At the age of not reaching 2 y.o. he got into an accident with his tricycle while going down a slope after getting me to agree to let go of the handle of the tricycle. There were a blood gushing, yet he told me no need to see doctor. He needed stitches.
I feel that whenever I listened to him and do things his ways, many times I regret my decision. I always say \"It is wrong to listen to a Wong\"
This morning, he set up a test for me. I managed to keep my cool. :rahrah: -
The case that I received:
- Mum with a successful career
- Husband is relatively illiterate,rude, bo chup, watches porn, etc
- Regularly quarrel with husband in front and behind of kids. Both ‘hate’ each other
- Difficult to discipline, rude teenage kids
- Her mum was previously against divorce as family is Catholic
- Attempted to use Fengshui to change things to the better. One Fengshui master said cannot divorce else she will suffer in her career. The other master advised divorce else spouse may drag her down.
- She is ashamed of if ever get a divorce
- She is concerned about not being to give her kids a 'complete family' without a father figure.
- She seems like going crazy.
She is asking me what she should do. (A short summary advice here first - dont need to go crazy coz her situation is so much better than many other cases that I have seen. She is with 'upper hand' actually that I am not so worried but her 无明 takes a better control on her than her rational. So mummy, pls stay calm).
Part 1
Put the kids' disciplining issues aside first as those are not top priority now. This one can only 'repent' later after solving own internal problems first.
Mum has to reflect deeply on what background she was being attracted to her spouse. Attraction is usually ‘Seed’ based and so she must try to recall who she hated in the past that she subconsciouly carried that seed with her that she went to attract by / attracted to this man.
The spouse was either originally like this before marriage (and mum only discovered after marriage) or became like this only after marriage with bad seeds in him activated by the mum (or conditioned by the mum to become what he is today).
If mum can recall who her spouse resembles and the reasons of why she hated the other figure, then must resolve hatred against that figure and if necessary, patch up with that figure – this is Step 1 of 放下, to release the negative energy embedded in her.
PS:
Today is Friday and so readers here know that I will be 'busy'. I will put my thoughts, incl Fengshui on this case by this Sunday if I can.
PS2 to all readers:
Please do not add your comments on this case until I finish all my parts ok? Else maybe confusing for that mum.
PS3:
Kindly be informed that I will not response to PM and you have questions, you may post here. If you are uneasy to use your original nick to post a question, then use a new one. I was sharing with one of the forummers that actually I would like very much to meet Chief in person to joke joke a bit, but then as I have been too open in my sharing, showing my face maybe unfair to those whom I have ever mentioned before. So, I can't meet anyone in person... -
Part 2
To work on resolving past hurts may take years and you don’t really have that kind of time else the kids will suffer even more. So, to work on separation / divorce issues concurrently while you work on past issues. (in the meantime, be gentle to the kids no matter how defiant they are. They are rpobably also in a state that is as lost as you.)
It’s not clear that how long you have been fighting with you spouse but I assume have been going on for a period of about 10 years.
If cannot talk across with the spouse about peaceful living – talk about separation.
Get a lawyer to give you legal advice on how to proceed.
Tell your husband calmly that a separation is good for all as it gives time for both parties to reconsider as well as giving the kids a more stable environment to thrive on. Pick a time when both parties are calm then bring up the separation issue. Never do it while in heated moments.
Custody of kids – tell him you will respect kids’ decision (if your kids don’t want to choose you, then you have to accept and again reflect why their decision is like this). Never show him that you want to have your kids’ custody, even though you really want it. The moment he can sense, he will fight. You must fight with a very calm and neutral way instead of provoking him to make use of all means to hurt you. Be prepared for the hurts but I hope you can take the hurts as short term pain towards longer term benefits – that will be your Guiding Principle – hold it closer to mind in order to endure all sorts of abuse that maybe coming your way. Always disagree calmly (try to pace him down instead of letting him pace you up). NEVER ARGUE (which I think is what you have been doing with him and since you know it is not effective, and so why not you try new tricks instead of keep having to argue with him?)
Narration of spouse seems that he can be a violent man. So, take necessary precaution to ensure own safety to handle this separation case.
You need to walk out of this fatal blind spot:
That it is not a shameful thing to divorce but it is a shameful thing to live in utter misery! Your life is so precious and so how can you let yourself live in misery for so long and still intend to carry on just coz ‘it is shameful to get a divorce’? You should be maybe a few years younger than me only and so shld be more modern than me in thinking and shld have a circle of friends who are not judgmental against divorce women (btw, I am a few happily divorced women around me leh).
So don’t need to hide. It’s ok even if people know that you are not getting around well with your husband. You must know, usually behind everyone there’re painful stories to tell, but then most of us pretend like we are very ‘happy’ and we act ‘happy’ despite all the struggling in us. Little did we know that the moment we are willing to share, others will share too and then that’s what bring people together coz there’re emotional connections. Perhaps you cannot connect emotionally with your husband and this unwillingness to share or don’t know how to share effectively is one of the main reasons.
Even if people want to gossip, let them gossip. Gossips can’t hurt you if you don’t allow them to. Really, nothing can hurt you if you don’t take them at heart. Why would you want to hurt yourself with what some 三姑六婆 talking? Let them talk and feel happy for them if such talks give them joy!
Please, there’s nothing shameful about having a divorce – who planted this seed in you huh? (again, here you have to go and think why you feel divorce is a shameful thing. There must be something impactful that ever happened to you that made you have such ‘old fashioned’ thinking. This is an absolutely unnecessary burden that you have been carrying with you.
If you are a Catholic who cannot divorce, then please approach your pastor to see whether he can shed some light about you need to save yourself from drowning first, then you can save your kids, then you can have a clearer mind to think through about Self and God again. Tell him you have tried your best but your ‘weak’ best may not be good enough for the moment. If you have faith in God, God will not let you 走头无路 though the 路 you still have to figure out yourself. You can only figure it out if you remain calm and rationale else even if God wants to shower you with Grace, you also cannot receive it coz your mind is so occupied with unnecessary anxieties and worries.
You seem to have only superficial friends instead of good friends else you will not appear to be so lost and helpless (taking that you own a successful business, your IQ should be enough to support you not to reach this extent).
People with no good friends also reflect something about themselves – unwilling to compromise, lower self esteem (as in mind a lot about how people look at them), sensitive, 小器, etc. If you have no good friends, then you have to think whether you are also such kind of person coz if you are also such, then whatever you are faulting your husband are the things that you also have been doing… -
insider:
Insider,PS:
When dealing with old folks, I feel it's not so important whether they are right or wrong. If things are of not life threatening nature, even if they are wrong we can also close one eye instead of trying to correct them...For example, not everything that my mum does is correct but I will just oblige to keep her happy coz making her happy (and not making myself happy) is my Guiding Principle whenever I come into contact with her. Nothing matter more than the Happiness of my mum - that's my Guiding Principle that I will never lose sight of!)
Thank you for the insights. In all the years that I have been married, I am always happy.
Most of the time, I managed well. If anything were to irk me, I would then share frankly with my hubby when we reached home. I am thankful that hubby is a very objective person who will hear me out and discuss the matters objectively, we will then decide what to take away for keeps or what we should look out for so we don't fall into the same mis-steps, or what approach we will take if similar situation arises for us. It applies to both sides of our families.
In one of your earlier posts regarding your nieces, you mention that perhaps your older niece can be the leader of her family. How do we tell if a household lacks a leader? Or what are the traits of one? -
:goodpost: :thankyou:
Fairy:
Hi,
Seems that many of the sharings concerned relationship with in laws, particularly, MIL. I remember reading many years ago, about the story of a woman who was so angry with her MIL that she plotted to kill her. I googled and found it! Hope it can be a source of inspiration for some of us.....
The Poison of Love
by Dr. Yang, Jwing-Ming
A long time ago, a girl named Li-Li got married and went to live with her husband and mother-in-law.
In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn't get along with her mother-in-law at all. Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law's habits. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.
Days passed days, and weeks passed weeks. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting. But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish. All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing the poor husband great distress.
Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-law's bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it.
Li-Li went to see her father's good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs. She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all.
Mr. Huang thought for awhile, and finally said, Li-Li, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you.
Li-Li said, \"Yes, Mr. Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do.\"
Mr. Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs.
He told Li-Li, \"You can't use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious. Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare some pork or chicken and put a little of these herbs in her serving. Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspects you when she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. Don't argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen.\"
Li-Li was so happy. She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law.
Weeks went by, and months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr. Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother.
After six months had passed, the whole household had changed. Li-Li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset. She hadn't had an argument in six months with her mother-in-law, who now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with.
The mother-in-law's attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in-law one could ever find. Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter. Li-Li's husband was very happy to see what was happening.
One day, Li-Li came to see Mr. Huang and asked for his help again. She said, \"Dear Mr. Huang, please help me to keep the poison from killing my mother-in-law! She's changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not want her to die because of the poison I gave her.\"
Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head. \"Li-Li, there's nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. All of the herbs I gave you were simply to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her.\"
MORAL: Friends, have you ever realized that how you treat others is exactly how they will treat you? In China it is said: The person who loves others will also be loved.
Dr. Yang, Jwing-Ming, is a renowned author and teacher of Chinese martial arts and Qigong. Born in Taiwan, he has trained and taught Taijiquan, Qigong and Chinese martial arts for over forty-five years. He is the author of over thirty books, and was elected by Inside Kung Fu magazine as one of the 10 people who has \"made the greatest impact on martial arts in the past 100 years.\" Dr. Yang lives in Northern California.
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