桃花谈
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Love your enemies, bless those cursing you, do good to those hating you
Somehow,remind me of PAP...no wonder they still standing strong despite the white paper protest. :idea: -
vinegar:
both my mum n grandma oredi very old,one in 70s,the other one in 90s.They stay in different countries.I see the similiarities btw my MIL n my mum's MIL,both of them
狗嘴里吐不出象牙.
As for my case,perhaps,i nid to swallow my pride,use the wisdom n courage n plenty of tolerance,to visit my MIL,n 忍受, 承受 her unpleasant words.
I was asking vinegar about whether her grandma is still alive coz I think if still alive, then the chance of patching up between her mum and MIL will be greater. As the grandma and mum are in different countries, then it makes things a bit more difficult though not impossible.
Vinegar, you take your time to talk to your mum gently if you can about her past sufferings (if this is a ‘untouchable’ topic in the family, then you have to do so carefully).
Ask her about how she feels and see whether you can sooth some of her hurts if you sense those hurts. Your mum needs to resolve her resentment against your grandma, preferably when your grandma is still alive.
Once resolved, I also can somewhat assure you that when you meet your own in laws and when they speak to you with exactly the same words, you will not interpret those words so negatively like what you are doing now. (说者无心、听者有意). You have to be very careful that you are in the 小人 state whereby you can only see those tiny dots in your in laws and ignore their whole patch of white in them. A 小人 will attract your in laws’ 小人’s retaliation towards you (meaning they will also choose to see the dots in your instead of seeing your white) and then very chum leh.
You can get this powerful internal energy (coz of multiplier effect) from your mum so that maybe one day you can appreciate more of the white of your in laws instead of only focusing on the dots. A 君子 will attract your in laws’ 君子’s response too.
This is an alternative way for you to ponder and perhaps test out the Seedling Theory. Don’t take it like a difficult task. Can take it like a game… (difficult to really explain about my outlook of life is a bit like 游戏人间, that I don't really take things seriously though I am actually quite a dead serious person. hahaha... another topics for this perhaps.)
Neverthesless, if you cannot work out anything from your mum, then you have to work out on your own with your in laws, in a more 事倍功半 manner... (you will continue to mature and your kiddos will continue to grow. It may really take you many many years and many many other experiences to see the full cycle of life if when you are old, you still can remember about our little exchanges here...)
加油！
PS:
Errr...actually also thinking whether it is possible for you to improve your relationship with your in laws first then use that positive energy to rub on your mum...Possible or not huh? -
vinegar:
Oh p-lease, don't make me puke!Love your enemies, bless those cursing you, do good to those hating you
Somehow,remind me of PAP...no wonder they still standing strong despite the white paper protest. :idea:
:siam:
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insider:
I happen to be reading books on various buddhist concepts and practices recently and this thread has come in to consolidate and reinforce all that.
有缘人...
I will remind myself to put all these into daily practice.
Thanks a lot, insider.
P.S more stories to come??? -
insider:
Your dad reminds me of my dad. However, he only had one wife that was my mum. My mum can't forgive & forget about him having other woman beside her. She did not have a good relationship with her MIL as well. She used to talk bad about my dad. She had even packed her bag & left the house with her 2 young children My mum insisted of divorcing at the age of 60.
OK, I will share with you something about my dad.
My dad was a tall and handsome man with a big pair of eyes.
He ‘sian’ my mum and they both got married.
Family was very poor then and they gave birth to 6 kids with age gaps of 1 year per kid (do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti).
My dad cared a lot for his family, working very hard in all sorts of jobs to bring food to the table (that time was one big pot of pork porridge and whole family would enjoy).
Being poor didn’t stop my dad from attracting all sorts of 桃花. He had many girlfriends.
When I was young, my mum used to organize her whole army of kids to go and hunt for my dad and his 狐狸精 around our neighbourhood. Literally pulling hair kind of scenes when my mum managed to find them (aiya, my childhood was just so 精彩万分！）.
My dad later got a 3rd wife who bore him another 2 kids and this second family squeezed into our small 3 room HDB with us. His last wife I only heard about her but I had never met before.
My mum, though brought us for ‘witch hunting’ quite frequently, used to tell us that whatever happened between her and my dad was their problems and she constantly reminded us that he was a good dad. All this while, she would constantly remind us (up to CNY eve she still tell me the same thing that, “Your Papa was a good father.”)
My dad really loved all his kids (though we still kena 'belted' now and then if we misbehaved). I seldom talked to him coz he was very fierce but somehow I just could feel his hardwork and his doing his best in treating his kids with his illiterate ways of parenting.
When young, sometimes I would see my mum crying quite miserably and I felt sad for her. However, I don’t think there was ever one moment that I hated my old man. I think my mum played a great part in never tried to plant any negative seeds in me about my dad’s care and love for us, and therefore I was able to accept him as what he was, being handsome and then later part financially quite stable (he struck a big lottery when I was about 12).
When my dad suffered his first stroke at around age 60, I dutifully brought him for regular check ups at SGH. My mum took good care of him (what steam fish, palm size meat, brown rice, etc diet) and my other siblings would visit him regularly.
That went on for about 8 years and he passed on at around age 68 with my mum and all his kids besides him and then we gave him a ‘grand’ funeral.
My dad has 6 filial kids (even my drug addict brother is a very filial child. He could stay besides my dad for 24 hours if the situation required someone to do so). He had a good wife. Though with some weaknesses that seemed irresponsible and sinful, I will still want him to be my dad if there is a next life.
My oh-so-wise and strong mum did the right thing for not making us hate our dad else I may not be as stable as what I am now (and if according to Seedlings Theory, I might actually attract someone similar to him and marry that someone. Seedlings Theory has this implication that you cannot run away from things that you hate and one has to conquer the hatred then he/she can be freed to meet better things; otherwise, the same thing will come back to one again and again in different forms.)
I love my old man! (sometimes when I think of him, I will still tear from missing him…)
I have strongly discouraged her at that point of time. I had intention to help them to save their marriage. However, I had accidentally found out that my dad had fallen for someone. A relationship takes 2 hands to work & I knew that there is no way to save my parents' relationship.
My parents have divorced for 5 years. My dad is happy with the other woman & my mum has not forgiven him. She used to be angry with me whenever I visit my dad or talk about him. I did not hate my dad & I understand that the broken marriage is a problem between my parents. They have done their parts as parents to bring up my siblings & me. -
concern2:
Oh p-lease, don't make me puke!vinegar:
Love your enemies, bless those cursing you, do good to those hating you
Somehow,remind me of PAP...no wonder they still standing strong despite the white paper protest. :idea: :siam:
Oei! Maintain the Qi of this thread. The Qi the Qi!!
Hahaha...
PS:
No one helping me with answering ruohoo's question about how to build 慈祥 into kiddos? -
insider:
Oh p-lease, don't make me puke!concern2:
[quote=\"vinegar\"]Love your enemies, bless those cursing you, do good to those hating you
Somehow,remind me of PAP...no wonder they still standing strong despite the white paper protest. :idea: :siam:
Oei! Maintain the Qi of this thread. The Qi the Qi!!
Hahaha...
PS:
No one helping me with answering ruohoo's question about how to build 慈祥 into kiddos?[/quote]Lead by example? -
Insider,
Don't worry...thks
I'll remem these two meaningful quotes b4 i go:
说者无心、听者有意
A 君子 will attract your in laws’ 君子’s response too. -
No one help, ? Insider, pls help. We often say old people ’ ci Xiang’. But you are talking children, that is why I asked.
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On the topic of building the 慈祥look in our kids .
What about teaching them to be kind, helpful and less calculative, less self centred. Do and give more to others and less for self. Filial and respectful to parents and the elderly. Parents can focus less on academics and teach the kids to lead a simple life and be less materialistic. Learn to appreciate nature and 凡事不要太强求。
However, sometimes, i think looks can be decieving. Some kids have very serious and fierce look but they can be kind and helpful.
There was once I brought my son to a hawker centre, a stranger walked past me and commented something about my son’s future. I was very shocked as I do not know that man and my child was well behaved and not attracting any attention. After commenting, he walked away. My son was very young then, think maybe 3 or 4 yrs old. I wondered whether shld I take his words seriously? How accurate is fortune telling just based on look.
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