桃花谈
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How to carry on when everything seems to be against your favour and you have no one to turn to and 叫天不应 . It is very difficult to carry on when the valley seems bottomless. Just when one thinks the worst is over, worser events unfold.
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kittybank:
How to carry on when everything seems to be against your favour and you have no one to turn to and 叫天不应 . It is very difficult to carry on when the valley seems bottomless. Just when one thinks the worst is over, worser events unfold.
I believe you are directing your question to insider. Not trying to answer on her behalf but just to share my thoughts on this.
My mum always say 靠山，山倒。靠人，人跑。靠自己最好。 when you accept that there is no one with you, you stop expecting/ hoping for help to come to you. This will be a turning point of some sort. Whatever help, if any, you receive will become an unexpected bonus because you hv stopped expecting the, to come your way. When you receive help, you will suddenly feel more positive.
When the going gets tough, it's the tough who gets going. Look around you. Surely there will be people who are worse off? I have one friend who pays for everything at home. She complains about it but send her son to 10 enrichment classes. She says she doesnt have savings. I pointed out to her that she is much better off than many for there are couples whose household income = her pay. And these folks have more Children than her.
It's always the darkest before the first ray of light. To get to the light, you need to continue the journey. If you just stay on the ground, then you just prolong the darkness. So long as you keep moving, you will walk out of the dark tunnel.
Open your mind and look around. Tell yourself that you can't be the worst. There must be some kind of lighthouse in your life. For me, my son and mum are my lighthouse.
I am not sure what problem you are facing but try to tackle one at a time and not burning yourself up at both ends. Always remember that you are the most impt person around who can protect what/who you value the most. I always tell myself that there will always be people who are worse off than me and that I won't die becos of this/that. One of the perks of being a mum, to me, is I just can't die. There is always something awaiting for me to do, so I can never die yet. And since I can't die yet, might as well fight on!
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insider:
Thanks Insider.kylene:
Hi kylene
\"Do not nag or scold\" does not equate no discipline.
Kids thrive well within well defined discipline framework and we have to correct them if they stay out of line while we definitely have to stay within line that we drew (role modelling).
Firmness is required when kids misbehave. Never let them get away with misbehaviours else that constitutes Spoiling...
My relationship with inlaws is currently cordial. However I do feel envious of them cos my son prefers to play with them compared to me and my DH. I'm actually the main caregiver as I work part time, DS is in half day childcare.
He is always asking to go to my inlaws' house . I asked him why and he says because he doesn't have to feed himself, doesn't have to do any work there and no one scolds him. Just play and play . Hearing him say that made me very sad- that I have to be the \"bad\" person so that he turns out (hopefully) good ! I often feel that I'm such a failure at parenting .
Where can I find the books that u mentioned ? I really hope to be a better person. -
Kylene,
You can consider ‘natural consequence’ for discipline. (can google) As a very general example for eating, ‘if u move from the table, the food will move away (into the sink)’. This works for some kids, but I know my children will get terribly offended and get the wrong message. Instead for them, I just tell them nicely that I will be washing the plate at x time. If they are not done by then (cleared plates in sink) they have to clean up whatever is left themselves.
On being the ‘bad guy’, I have reflected upon this before and read sharings by older parents. One sharing was by a father who wondered why his ‘good’ son preferred to spend his time with people he (the father) considered as semi- delinquents etc after all the time they had put into bringing him up and instilling the right values. He asked his son and the son said those people like him just as he is. The father realized that he had spent so much time trying to ‘mold’ the son, he did not spend time just
appreciating the son for who he is.
That was a very enlightening insight to me, though it seems so obvious. Sometimes we spend so much time trying to correct our children and instil the right values and habits in them, they start to think that we really don’t like them. Of course there is no need to go to the other extremes (like some grandparents), but maybe just check your parenting "balance sheet". Reading insider’s sharings has helped me refined some of my "techniques" for talking to my children, her idea of "pacing them down" was very helpful, and looking at the child’s original temperament has also given me more confidence in finding the right balance. -
kittybank:
How to carry on when everything seems to be against your favour and you have no one to turn to and 叫天不应 . It is very difficult to carry on when the valley seems bottomless. Just when one thinks the worst is over, worser events unfold.
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
You are not alone -
i cannot remember nor find who was it that siad as a catholic cannot get divorce by right that is true BUT is possible after divorce get ur cdhurch father to help write a letter to the pope to ask to remove ur marriage records BUT ur reasons must be very valid i have done it.
Better then letting u and ur children suffer in a marriage tghat will never work out is best to walk out and be happy including ur children will be happy/ -
[quote][/quote]Bad things happen now and then for good purposes. If they happen sporadically, it builds strength into us to face more and more challenges coming ahead of everyone of us. If one’s life has always been smooth is not actually a good thing over the long run. Bad things actually let us appreciate good things more instead of having the tendency of taking things for granted[quote][/quote]
insider,
thks so much for ur teaching.I fully agree wf this statement.
Ever since my miscarriage,i cherish my kid n my health more....last time,i used to take them for granted.I know everything doesn't come by easily.
But sometx care n cherish them too much until i a bit paranoid...so scare of losing them.I've been trying to overcome the fear n letting go.But really,very difficult...to the extend that i \"overprotect\" them n become parent volunteer n follow them everywhere.I think i a bit :siao: -
Imami
I did those things you said. And survived the last decade. I am drained. Financially, physically, mentally and emotionally. Told myself 吃苦当吃补。read lots off inspirational quotes. Counted my blessings. Helping others in need while ignoring people who are closest to me yet destroying me. Turned to religion.
我累了，真的很累，撑不下去。 -
kittybank:
Wah you not bad leh, 吃苦当吃补。 I didn't consider religion, even at my lowest point. 我还是那句话： 一定有人比你更惨 Let's see what 金玉良言 insider gives you.. :sad:Imami
I did those things you said. And survived the last decade. I am drained. Financially, physically, mentally and emotionally. Told myself 吃苦当吃补。read lots off inspirational quotes. Counted my blessings. Helping others in need while ignoring people who are closest to me yet destroying me. Turned to religion.
我累了，真的很累，撑不下去。 -
Most two recent cases that I helping:
1.\tHappy friend with two kids aged 2 and 4. Husband looked good. Then one fine day, house door plastered with Ah Long’s paper: O$P$. Husband in huge gambling debt and ran away. Ah Long kept hassling friend who has to run away from home. Cannot go back to own parents’ house coz no place to stay. Then put up in a one-room rented place with 2 kids. She still had to work. Morning kids send to preschool and she went work. Ah Long went to her office. She lost her job. Husband lose contact completely. Now she is in a lurch.
However, overall I am not overly pessimistic about her. Friend is capable. Just have to hide a while more and the clouds will blow over. Now just have to pull through this difficult period of about 6 months.
2.\tFriend’s brother got involved with China girl. Abandoned family of wife and two sec school kids and went to stay with that girl. Husband got into gambling and incurred debts. Kids wrote very heartbreaking blogs about how come once-upon-a-time so happy family can be so broken. Friend’s sis-in-law still hoping that husband will return, still gives him financial help. Husband wants a divorce. Not only a divorce, he wants to sell the flat to get half of his shares. Some more brings woman home to wait for him to take / change clothes. Sis-in-law heartbroken and insists no divorce. She used to be a SAHM but now working two jobs and within months becomes like skeleton thin. Think about how the kids feel too.
Above cases are closer to 叫天天不应.
So kittybank, what are your sorrows?
PS:
Stress / sorrows are always relative. Most kids can take very little stress. Small things to them are BIG coz they have fewer solutions to problems. So cannot take kids’ stress lightly coz what’s small to us is BIG to them.
Stress-taking levels of adults are also different. Some, like me, can take a lot of stress and still smiley face. Some just press a bit may peng-san…
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