桃花谈

[Imami]

MintyMin:

ammonite:

He copies because he just wants to get it over and done with. You must try to explain to him that if he does that, the same question mark will crop up again and again, and he is just wasting his own time and effort. The fastest way through is to master the material once and for all. His short cut is the long cut.


Make sure of course that he is not too tired or has too much at one go.

Thanks.

Lots for me to learn.. esp the way i talk n handle my kids.. I wan to be able to tok to them in peace mode n not flared.. tried to suppress it a few times.. but seems so hard.. esp when i m bz...

MintyMin:

It dawn on me that the shoutings n screamings tat i did over the past years.. somehow.. ds is showing it back.. to me n dds.. i feel so bad tat i have somehow 'cultivate' this 'monster' in him..

:hugs: MintyMin.

Each day, we as parents learn something new. Don’t be overly hard on yourself.

When I am busy and in the “do not disturb” mode, I would tell my son,”mummy talk to you later.”. If he doesn’t get it and continue to rattle on, I would repeat the same thing louder. He usually get it at my second try.

Don’t scream at the kids. I know how hard it is but please do try – don’t scream at the kid. When I was screaming/venting (during my dark days), I don’t scream at my son too. Raise your voice a little louder if you really need, but don’t scream. Sooner or later, you will find yourself at the losing end because (1) the kids would get immune to it and (2) they follow you and scream at other people.

Try to talk to your DS. Have a heart to heart talk to sort out the common issues. Recently I have a heart to heart talk with my son as I think he is getting a little unruly. While he is not entirely out of it, I can see that he is trying and that by itself, is good enough. Think of it this way, if it is so difficult for me to change overnight, how can I expect him to change overnight?

[Imami]

concern2:

Is this why it takes the 'right time' and 'right place', the 'right person' then can work - so-called \"缘\"？

From what I observed, the salesmen always succeed in making sales if they continue to knock at the doors. But must have tactic la, if not kenna whack by angry folks.

The right person say/do the right thing at the right time is very important and I believe there is always a time for something to happen.

When I counsel people, I don’t make them feel that their thinking is wrong or they are at fault. Once they sense it (that you are saying they are wrong), they clamp up and that’s it – the door to their soul is closed. I always start by getting them to talk and make a mental note of things I feel that is 转牛角尖。Then I try to rationalize their action/thoughts by saying,”oh, you like that because….”. This will help them to sort their thoughts out without making them feel that we are judging them. When one thinks that he is not being judged upon, one is more willing to share one’s thoughts and they would open up the ‘mental/emotional wall’. It is when they open up their wall that we can gently nudge them in the right direction. A lot of patience is needed too.

[Imami]

insider:

Maybe just put a hornless insider in a house can also 避邪... (kekeke...)

:rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[MintyMin]

Imami:

:hugs: MintyMin.

Each day, we as parents learn something new. Don’t be overly hard on yourself.

When I am busy and in the “do not disturb” mode, I would tell my son,”mummy talk to you later.”. If he doesn’t get it and continue to rattle on, I would repeat the same thing louder. He usually get it at my second try.

Don’t scream at the kids. I know how hard it is but please do try – don’t scream at the kid. When I was screaming/venting (during my dark days), I don’t scream at my son too. Raise your voice a little louder if you really need, but don’t scream. Sooner or later, you will find yourself at the losing end because (1) the kids would get immune to it and (2) they follow you and scream at other people.

Try to talk to your DS. Have a heart to heart talk to sort out the common issues. Recently I have a heart to heart talk with my son as I think he is getting a little unruly. While he is not entirely out of it, I can see that he is trying and that by itself, is good enough. Think of it this way, if it is so difficult for me to change overnight, how can I expect him to change overnight?

Thanks Imami.. totally agree... esp the part tat you mentioned tat i've highlighted in RED

When i say.. talk to you later.. they will reply.. later i forget already.. n when i m avail to tok n ask them wat is it that they wan to tell me.. they will get upset tat they have forgotten abt it.. n blame me.. :sad: n most of the time if ds back off either dd1 or dd2 will be the next to want to tok to me.. or complain or fuss abt stuff.. :frustrated:

I can suppress once or twice over the short 30mins.. but if it is 3 times of it.. i flared.. n i noe.. tatz not a good reason to flare.. but i can't help it.. sigh..

So tis days.. i will tell myself... 忍忍忍... duno if tis is good or not.. but ever since reading the postings by Insider n you n others... i realised not ez.. but still have to do..

[Imami]

MintyMin:

When i say.. talk to you later.. they will reply.. later i forget already.. n when i m avail to tok n ask them wat is it that they wan to tell me.. they will get upset tat they have forgotten abt it.. n blame me.. :sad: n most of the time if ds back off either dd1 or dd2 will be the next to want to tok to me.. or complain or fuss abt stuff.. :frustrated:

I can suppress once or twice over the short 30mins.. but if it is 3 times of it.. i flared.. n i noe.. tatz not a good reason to flare.. but i can't help it.. sigh..

If they feel that that is important enough to tell you, then they would surely remember.

If 3 times in 30 min is too hard, then make sure 2 times in 30 min u sure can do it. one day, you would be at “if 2-3 times in 30min, I still can suppress”. Set smaller goal, then work towards it.

[insider]

keroppi:

So what you are saying is that if it comes true, it comes true but don't dwell on it as it will not help. If i don't think about it, the bad seed will stop growing on me?

Don't dwell on anything coz dwelling on anything will not help in anything...

As said before, if your son really has the 'accident' seed, it may mature or it may not mature. But if you keep dwelling on it, you are actually 'activating' the seed (if it is really there), thereby making it maturing faster (when actually he has the chance to 'eliminate' it or soften the impact if he can acquire kindness gradually).

Since the thought (念）is already planted in your head and it is unlikely that you can get over it, so just go and buy the BiChu to make you feel better that the BiChu can 挡煞. With the Bichu, nothing actually really changes but your 念 change = the seed will take its time to mature instead of pre-maturing...

PS:
basically one's 念 is either a 'blessing' or a 'curse'. So try to think of only good things and stop 'imagining' bad things. I can share that my 念 is very powerful and like almost every time, I can get what I want just by having a 念. So, I am very very cautious of not to have negative 念 coz I know I get what I think...

[insider]

concern2:

Thanks, Imami, Insider, for your explanations. It had been difficult for me to explain the concept of 信念 to someone who has been through a hard life, who managed to struggle out of it by sheer hard work. For me and those around him to ask him to stop worrying (or don't worry so much) and to have faith is like telling him he didn't have to do anything, just wait for things to drop from the sky - which isn't what we mean.

I think this is especially relevant to folks who are approaching their twilight years, and who's been through a tough life. They have no religion to guide them, they don't believe in existence of God, no believes that doing good will result in good in return, how to 'educate' them so that they slowly learn to 放下 and stop worrying so much?

It is true that one's got to be willing to try to feel and 'experiment' in order to believe. Yet, how to get them to even want to 'try'? Is this why it takes the 'right time' and 'right place', the 'right person' then can work - so-called \"缘\"？

People who carry a lot of worries = 福报浅.

These people are with very limited 慧根 and they have to live like that that very few can help (like my builder friend who can continue to believe that he is 劳碌命 if he refuses to heed my reasoning).

We can tell them stories and let them digest themselves. If cannot digest, then too bad. We cannot live another person's life as said. If someone has to suffer, someone has to suffer...

However, the \"缘\" part is still valid. Someone may not listen all the time but then there maybe a particular moment in life that he / she may 'wake up' and be suddenly 'enlightened' to 放下. Usually this moment is during the time when this person is closer to his death (when a person is near death, he loses control of his consciousness and then his sub-consciousness rules over, and our sub-consciousness is where the 'Truth' actually lies. This part is more into 生死论）.

Towards people whom we love but whom we fail to 'enlighten', the best thing to do is just to listen to their endless grumblings...

[limlim]

Imami:

MMM:

[quote=\"keroppi\"]
。。。 the PiChu。。。

In Taiwan, they call it tianlu.

The difference between天祿 and 貔貅 lies with the horns. 天祿 has one horn. 貔貅 has two.[/quote]Some saying is that 天祿 is male, 貔貅 is female.

天祿 has 1 horn and has wings. 貔貅 has 2 horns and doesn't have wings.

天祿 is to gather wealth for the owner. 貔貅is more for ward off evil.

天祿 is relatively safe to carry or put in the house. For 貔貅, it is better to have fengshui master to advise before getting, as it may not be suitable for everyone or put anywhere.

But some pple don't differentiate them, so, it's up to the individual lor.

[ruohoo97]

MintyMin:

It dawn on me that the shoutings n screamings tat i did over the past years.. somehow.. ds is showing it back.. to me n dds.. i feel so bad tat i have somehow 'cultivate' this 'monster' in him..

You are certainly not alone. I am guilty of that too.

[insider]

I received this pm and then posted answer here:


The Q:
unconditional love to kids mean show them without expectation?Not too much \"over-correct\" their behaviour or they'll feel resentment?

My A:

‘unconditional love’ to kids means let them be what they want to be with the minimal achievable expectations but from birth, they must be given a broad guideline to live their lives. As long as they don’t commit serious ‘crimes’ (like stealing, hurting people, etc), we leave the kids to grow up the way they want to be.

We tend to want to ‘mold’ our kids into something we think is ‘right’ and at the end, the kids may turn up to be what they are not actually supposed to be (eg, John Wayne Gacy).

Another good example maybe is my elder son, who disliked schoolwork when young. The only word in his mind when he was young I think was PLAY; literally nothing else but PLAY. With such a carefree spirit, it was really hard to ‘force’ this one to be someone as studious as his sister who constantly produced the As ‘automatically’ without any ‘reminders’.

When he was young, I looked at him and ever wondered, “How come don’t seem to carry my ‘gene’ at all?” Then I further ‘analysed’ his ‘face’, and told myself he has a ‘Good Man Look’ and so he should be alright on his own.

My patience and faith showered on my elder son really paid off with the greatest reward as having a parent-child relationship that almost like everyone who knows me would envy. Behind this patience and faith, there is a lot of 忍忍忍 coz I am a human afterall esp about 20 years ago. But the 忍 really can 成金.

My elder son is respectful towards any elderly AT ALL TIMES and will abide ANYTHING if I ever disapprove (which is very minimal).

He shares with me almost like everything in his life coz of the trust between us that I won’t judge him.

At age 19 and so muscularly built, sometimes he will still come to my bedroom, lie beside me, and hug me and say “I love you, mummy.” (and once he sheepishly told me that he doesn't think any of his friends will still do this to their mums). Inside this young man, there's still a little child which I cherish...

AND he will massage my aching shoulders if he sees that I am sitting in front of this screen for too long…

Do you want to have a son like this?

You may want to imagine if my elder son is yours, that you might want to sit with him frequently to do homework, to revise for exams, etc. He might ultimately give you the As but you might have re-shaped him into what he is not and he will suffer when he grows up (such as doing a job as a routine instead of working for passion). When he suffers, you will also suffer, and his future family of wife and kiddos will also suffer. This category of people suffers the most during their mid life crisis, which is characterized by a stage where they start to ponder about ‘Who Am I?” all over again like an adolescent.

At this mid-life crisis state, these people want to do things that are really their passion but they are unlikely to succeed coz they have usually passed the age whereby they can master the necessary skills for that passion (for example, I managed to force my son into a straight As kid <which I DEFINITELY CAN if I want to coz he is not stupid, I CAN teach, I have the resource network, and I have the $$$> and made him into the GEP and whatnots.

Then at his age 40s, he ‘wakes up’ and re-discovers that actually he wants to do adventure and sports. But at that age, how to really train rock climbing and whatnots efficiently?). If these people do not manage their mid-life crisis well, they fall into confusion/despair, and all hell will break loose (EMA, suddenly turn into gambling addicts, take up alcohol, etc). Usually they will live with regrets for the rest of their unfulfilling lives coz they have been living someones' else's lives but not their own...

I just don’t know why I seldom feel the kind of academic stress that most parents here are experiencing. Perhaps I have better 福报* I think… (and therefore my kiddos get to enjoy such too…)

*福报 = carries very little worry / stress = 清心寡欲

PS:
I am confident by now that my daughter will be a Scientist that she aspires to be. Her wish is to solve part of world's pollution problems. That's her burning passion that has nothing to do with how much she can make per month. The day when she obtained her O levels results years ago, I shared in this forum that I was taken aback when she told me she would choose poly over JC coz she wanted to pursue biomedical science. At the end, I didn't say much and gave her my blessings coz I just have this faith that she knew what she wants. Basically, my kiddos choose their own paths...