桃花谈
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Many people go one big round in life only to realize their dreams much later in life - if they ever do, and for some, like you said, it is too late or little time left to pursue, perhaps because they have been caught up in the pursuit of other people's dreams, such as those of their parents'.
Question: As a child, if you have your mind set on certain interest, and know you have the talent for it, but your parents want you to do something else, and for being the good daughter/son, you obeyed and obliged, only to find one day that your dreams can no longer be fulfilled, how should you reconcile within yourself? -
ammonite:
errr....son seemed to be in frequent troubles in schools (pr and sec)!Insider,
I really like your post on unconditional love. Since your son was the smart fun loving type, can I ask if he ever got into trouble with teachers, bored in class, and how you dealt with that?
whenever I got 'summoned', I just took the 'complaints' calmly. Think all the time I didn't allow myself to 'explode' immediately after the summon. I would let the 'feedback' sank into me at least for a few hours before I talked to him and listened to him. Coz of the faith I had in him that those 'complaints' were 'passing phases', I just mentored and shared my views and then we moved on...
I feel the efforts to 'HOLD' 'EXPLOSION' is a virtue that all may want to practise coz most kiddos will really appreciate that (coz they are expecting nagging/scolding but end up receiving none of these). After the 'fury' subsides, words that come out from one's mouth are usually 'kinder' and 'more reasonable'. Just never allow yourself to start the 'machine gun' mindlessly coz this will do more harm than good = better don't do...
Below I shared in Y2011:insider:
My son joined his sister in the school when she was in P3. For this sotong son, I packed his bag for about a week then I hands off.
Three months into school, I got summoned to school to listen to teacher’s feedback about he couldn’t sit still, walked around, talked to peers, etc while lessons were on. Teacher asked me to send him for ADHD assessement.
I went for the assessment and results were negative.
So this son went into his primary school journey not so smoothly.
He had short concentration span, playful, mischievous, always got tricks up his sleeves. I understand him well that he wasn’t one of those who could perform well academically.
Just like what I told my daughter, I told him the same thing that as long as he maintained an average score of 70, mum would leave him alone. For him, I did coach in his spelling and ting xie if I could remember… (coz the dates changed now and then that sometimes I lose track). Also like his sister, completing homework and passed up were bare minimum that they had to do. For this, son never disappointed me before.
Son sailed through his P1 and P2 smoothly (remember average scores about 90 coz he had a solid preschool education in my centres and he was ready in his lower primary languages and maths).
He was stronger in his maths but weak in his languages. He hated Chinese. P3 Science he did Ok Ok.
By end of P5, his other subjects average 70 and his Chinese was in the 48 – 50 range. Then, I started his Chinese tuition for about 10 months in Jiang Tuition Centre to prepare for PSLE. Those 10 months, I worked once a week on his compo and general Chinese.
Son got into many troubles when he was in Hong Wen and I was summoned to school several times to listen to teachers’ complaints. He was punished many times for reasons that I didn’t know when his sister told me ‘always can see di di standing outside the classroom’.
I shared in my other posts before, that teachers liked to make this comment to him, “You are xxx’s brother? I don’t believe. You are so different from her! You should learn from your sister. You should this… You should that… etc, etc, etc.” Of course I know he would feel hurt but I didn’t intervene coz I believed he had enough internal strength to sail these insults through coz they are facts anyway!
He told me when he was bigger that he was ‘famous’ in school. Canteen hawkers and bookshop auntie all were very friendly to him and he was able to ‘owe’ them money when he forgot to bring money to school, meaning could buy and eat without having to pay first. The security guard knew him well as well. Of course the Disciplinary Master knew about him too. Even the principal knew him by name. While during dinner time a few months back, he told everyone at the table that it was ‘normal’ for him to be sent by the teachers to the principal’s office and did homework in front of the principal! Hahaha…, he was indeed ‘famous’!
Son was in and out of numerous CCAs (most ‘impressive’ one was to be sacked from Chinese Orchestra coz more like a nuisance when he anyhow hit the drums) and he finally settled down at Rope Skipping which he thoroughly enjoyed. He was also active in track and field items and in all sorts of fund raising organization.
Son still keeps close contact with a few of his primary school friends. These kids still come to my house sometimes though they are from different schools since Sec 1. When my two elder kids were in Hong Wen, we just lived in the HDB right next to the school and so it was common for these kids to come to my place to ‘chill out’. I see these kids from very small till now growing taller than me.
I am a ‘reasonable’ mother and I know my son well. I don’t really work on his academics coz he is like the late bloomer type and if I were to ‘force’, the outcome maybe much better results but maybe at the expense of my close relationship with him and at a further expense of changing him into someone whom he is not in the first place. These are something that I would not trade with anything else on earth. He is a sunshine boy with a kind heart and my faith of he will find his own way one day is strong enough not to let me pile him with tuitions or tons of assessment to meet the ‘market’s KPI’. I am more into his character development, that to guide him firmly but gently not to go astray is the most important thing.
Son sotong sotong happy lucky passed through his primary school life. Despite all the punishments, he loves Hong Wen and ever said that was one of the best parts of his life, and that he would repeat it all over again if there were a chance.
I shall repeat here again that I think Hong Wen prepared kids well enough for PSLE. For a sotong son like this who only did his bare minimum of completing school homework (incl all given assessment papers), only with 10 months Chinese tuition, minimal assessment books and coaching from me, he scored 4 As in his PSLE (can’t remember whether T score is a 218 or 228). BTW, he was in one of the bottom classes with all the ‘players’ having fun since P4. In the eyes of other parents, they may shake heads when seeing these ‘naughty children’.
The day when we collected his PSLE results, we had a celebration that was happier than his sister’s 261. This son, though sotong sotong and kena so many lefts and rights in school, still had to figure out on own to get those 4As...
Therefore, my thankfulness to Hong Wen, for giving my two elder kids one of the best times of their lives. My family will forever be thankful and if there’s a need for fund raising or anything that we can contribute, we shall gladly support so… (my kids are 知恩图报 kind of people. From the way they still speak so fondly of the school till now, when they grow up and if they can make enough, I am confident that they will contribute back to the school.) -
concern2:
Question: As a child, if you have your mind set on certain interest, and know you have the talent for it, but your parents want you to do something else, and for being the good daughter/son, you obeyed and obliged, only to find one day that your dreams can no longer be fulfilled, how should you reconcile within yourself?
The wiser ones will 'forgive' their parents and try to live their lives to the best. Their kiddos will benefit if they understand the sense of loss of not being able to fulfill their own selves as what they think they can / should be coz they will wisely allow their kiddos to pursue their own dreams. So, in a way, all are not lost... (basically we don't sulk over any 'injustice' but we always try to extract some useful lessons from it and move on).
The unwise ones (many fall into this category) may blame their parents. Some may not even know that it's their parents' 'fault' and so they struggle in confusion...
The unwise ones will also allow the vicious cycle to keep repeating itself by imposing such fixated 'growth pattern' onto their kiddos...
It really takes a wise one to break the cycle to develop better human being... -
Thanks for sharing Insider. I don’t explode but son is not happy go lucky type when he feels imprisoned. He is very strong willed and freedom loving, and is the type who rather be beaten up than to admit to something he didn’t do. We have gone through a few phases already and they worked out. I have to find myway around this current teacher who doesn’t know how to handle him/ the class.
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Thanks Insider again for sharing about your son. I have a similar son, like yours, except, I feel ashamed of myself, he doesn’t have mother like your son’s:(. Now, I in fact more appreciate my elder son, in spite of me being so negative towards him, he has always been very kind to me and all other elderly.
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This thread has somehow become my favourite virtual “kopitiam”.
I was listening to my kid singing 三字经this morning and I realized how a lot of what Insider had said was actually inside 三字经.
I didn’t have the exposure of 三字经 when I was young. It was until a few years back that I decided to introduce 三字经 to my son as I thought it would be good for him to recite in my attempt to cultivate his love for Chinese. It turned out that it benefitted me too.
曰仁义 礼智信 此五常 不容紊 – see how the 仁 is placed first among the 5 virtues?
首孝弟 次见闻 知某数 识某文 - Begin with filial piety and fraternal love, and then see and hear, to count, to read. If you look at a typical child’s development, it’s about this sequence of development. Except the part on see and hear, which I thought hear should come first since babies hear much better than they see during the newborn stage. -
Imami:
This thread has somehow become my favourite virtual “kopitiam”.
Me too. :hi5: Still mulling some of the advices put forth by parents here. I can see my DS traits in some of your kids' but not sure what step to take next. Tough nut to crack. :frustrated: -
insider:
Interesting post about Hong Wen. I understand the school has interesting CCAs such as weiqi. BTW, am not very sure but I heard that the school also teaches 弟子规 to the students.
I shall repeat here again that I think Hong Wen prepared kids well enough for PSLE. For a sotong son like this who only did his bare minimum of completing school homework (incl all given assessment papers), only with 10 months Chinese tuition, minimal assessment books and coaching from me, he scored 4 As in his PSLE (can’t remember whether T score is a 218 or 228). BTW, he was in one of the bottom classes with all the ‘players’ having fun since P4. In the eyes of other parents, they may shake heads when seeing these ‘naughty children’.
The day when we collected his PSLE results, we had a celebration that was happier than his sister’s 261. This son, though sotong sotong and kena so many lefts and rights in school, still had to figure out on own to get those 4As...
Therefore, my thankfulness to Hong Wen, for giving my two elder kids one of the best times of their lives. My family will forever be thankful and if there’s a need for fund raising or anything that we can contribute, we shall gladly support so… (my kids are 知恩图报 kind of people. From the way they still speak so fondly of the school till now, when they grow up and if they can make enough, I am confident that they will contribute back to the school.) -
keroppi:
Me 3 :snuggles: I will be reflecting and changing how I relate to my kids.Imami:
This thread has somehow become my favourite virtual “kopitiam”.
Me too. :hi5: Still mulling some of the advices put forth by parents here. I can see my DS traits in some of your kids' but not sure what step to take next. Tough nut to crack. :frustrated:
keroppi, many years ago, my ex neighbour told me every 15th, Bright Hill Temple at Sin Ming has changing luck prayers (I am not sure if it is still ongoing). If you share the same faith, this could be a place to consider going. I know they also hold Dharma classes for kids and parents. Some friends send their children there and after the classes, the kid turn vegetarian to avoid the sin of killing. What insider say is also true, bad seeds can be minimised or knocked out by good seeds. Fortune reading is an art not an exact science. Diff people interpret things differently. A good self example is to compare your left palm with your right palm. The left is supposedly your \"fate\"/ The right is your \"destiny\" - what you have chosen for yourself. Mine is very different! -
Thanks, mummyv. I’ll just try not to think about it anymore.
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