桃花谈
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smurf28:
Maybe it will be clearer if we go back to the story of 了凡.
Hi, just sharing that when one planted a bad seed,this bad seed will mature one day =bad karma. If the person also planted lots of good seed(good karma) .thus when the person bad karma ripen with good karma ,it will seem bad karma is minimise or knocked out by good karma.
The good cannot negate the bad.What one should do is try to accumulate as much good karma as possible so that conditions is always there for good karma will ripen.Leaving no chance for bad karma to ripen.
了凡 was originally destined to:
- not obtain any official court title
- not have a son
- die at 53.
These three main things will be sort of like his bad karma or he didn't bear these 'good seeds'.
But then he did many good deeds to get many good seeds to change his destiny to
- get a high official court title
- have son
- die at 74.
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Now I refer to my own son's coming operation which definitely involves 血光 (doc explained about what making a cut to lay an about 15 cm x 15 cm plastic mesh around the abdomen area to strengthen his muscle, etc. 15 cm x 15 cm - this is a HUGE pc of mesh!).
He has been very 'smooth' all this while despite playing so dangerously (from a mother's point of view).
Perhaps one of his bad 血光 seeds is maturing and he really needs to see blood to realise the bad karma. But coz of all this while he has been good (filial, helpful, and generous) and I don't anyhow go flying 'nails' on him (via scolding/'curses'), his other good seeds mature together with the bad seeds so that he ends up with a mere operation instead of perhaps an operation for a broken hand / broken leg bleeding kind.
Son is so 'lucky'. Coz of the operation, he gets to have a new Simmon's mattress with divan coz all this while he has been sleeping on futon on the floor. After the operation with a fresh stitched wound, he cannot bend at the beginning for a few days (currently he has to lay his futon nightly to lie down, so he needs to sort of bend and lie on the futon) and therefore requires a standard bed that he can just 'sit in' and lie down.
He will be staying in a single ward (fully insurance covered). Usually I don't 'spoil' kids like this coz a single ward is not necessary even fully covered by insurance (I don't anyhow use resources even such resources may seem to be 'free'). But knowing my son, he would be visited by so many kakis (my estimate is at least 20 - 30 close pals from different areas of his life), so I chose a single ward so that his 'loud' groups will not disturb /annoy other room mates. Some of his kakis oredi confirmed to see him get wheeled into the op theatre on the op date and will drink coffee in Mc's while waiting for him to come out. These kakis make me feel I maybe 'redundant' on that day...
His operation seems like a 'party' which I find 'amusing'... (but should be that way. He was trained to take even serious things, esp things that we cannot change, 'lightly' = optimistically = don't plant unnecessary bad thoughts of maybe 'I will die', etc) -
Hi insider,
Thanks for your advice.
I’ll heed your advice to talk to her nicely and calmly about what shd be done to help her with her school work.
Her form teacher called me yday while I was in a lift. Thus, missed her call and now still waiting anxiously for her form teacher’s call. Guess it will be issues about her homework.
Sigh… recently she just mentioned that she wanted to opt out from GEP screening cos she’s not gifted and not clever. This is my fault making her losing her confidence.
Yes, I have to work hard to express my unconditional love towards her. -
Imami:
The severity of无明 is determined by the amount of 慧根 that one has – this one is largely brought over from our previous lives.Insider, I am curious - it seems to me that many of us are hot/bad/quick tempered, either self-confessed or as commented by another person.
We all know stress will make us short fused but this is a \"very science\" explanation.
Is there anything you can share with us on this, something not very science?
无明 leads to stress and probably leads to bad temper and thereby leads to bad 福报. Getting stressed for big or small things and getting angry over big or small things are very bad for health since those lead to all sorts of medical problems subsequently.
Most of us know about we should try to be calm, learn how to take stress more lightly, and not to be angry, but very few of us can do these successfully coz the rationale part is often covered by 无明 to let one act irrationally. We know what are good but then it is just so difficult to do the good to enjoy the fruit = 无明 at work.
Almost like every problem that one faces has to do with her egoistic self, that only SHE herself holds the right answers to issues = arguments = anger.
Many times there are no right answers coz we cant see the future. We try to ‘guess’ the right answer and think that we have the right answer and want others to follow our directions, if not = disappointment = anger.
Out of the broad moral guidelines of not to murder and to steal, etc, nobody actually has the right answers for the rest of the questions. For example, getting kids to get straight As may not be the right answer to their future happiness but many may insist that this is the only right route to travel for all kiddos. Another example maybe SAHM thinks that they have to spend the X amount of time with their kids in order for them to grow up properly. One more example maybe a husband thinks that I need to work this X hours to bring this X amount in order to make my family happy. Etc. The ‘right’ answers held by all these people may not be the right answer for respective family. Each can only see the outcome years later and some may feel that whatever they think was right turn out not to be so.
Most answers can be the ‘right’ answers. Usually there’s no ‘right’ answer. In every decision that we make, we activate a series of ‘seeds’ and started a chain of events and the ultimate outcome usually is about the same as whether one choose this (such as being a SAHM or being a husband making $5000) or that (such as being a FTWM or a husband making $10,000). But people continue to struggle to find the ‘right’ answer and henceforth the unnecessary stress, resentment, bitterness, etc, generated within a family.
My family live quite simply. Instead of living in private property, I choose to still live in a HDB. Financial wise, I have zero stress, esp my kids are relatively ‘cheap’ to maintain (I have never find kids are expensive to maintain coz of no tuitions, no enrichments, no expensive items, etc).
I don’t plant into my kids the kind of thoughts that must get what kind of results, next time must live in what kind of property, drive what kind of cars, carry what kind of clothes, etc, then can be ‘happy’. They are taught that having three meals and other little luxuries in life = happiness. Anything extras, we can give away instead of keep splurging on self.
Oh, I don’t plan to leave down much for my kiddos coz they have to make themselves… (parents who plan to leave down assets/money for kiddos are doing kids more like a dis-service than good. The more you think you want to leave over = the more your kiddos’ earning power will be cut. The correct thought will be they will be able to make for themselves WITHOUT any of your help. So, pls save and take care of yourself instead of saving money for kiddos.)
Life is really very simple but most of us have lived it in a quite ‘complicated’ way.
The 无明 of must get straight As then can be happy, must live in a condo then can be happy, must make how much then can be happy, etc cause tremendous stress and stress leads to anger and lead to bigger 无明 and the cycle repeats.
Need to 看透 荣华富贵 = nothing, then can 随遇而安 = can ‘hahaha’ in most part of life. People like me if I were to be put to live in the mud I also will find ways to be happy…
Need to know that there’s no ‘right’ answer and to accept all answers = happier life…
Overall, it still goes back to the same two words – 放下…
PS: My niece is staying with me now. I am quite glad to see that she has changed a ‘bit’, as in she is no longer so very 牙摖摖. The moment she can really change this牙摖摖 attitude will be the moment she can reduce her 无明 = lesser anger = more peacefulness. I intend to let her stay with me on and off to rub on more of the ‘calm’ energy in my house and hopefully she can bring back more of this into her own house…
Last night I was sharing with her about yesterday I know of a girl was chased out of her house coz her mum discovered that she is a lesbian and despite counseling, she still cannot change.
So, I asked her opinion about this.
She replied, “If I were the mum, I also cannot accept and will do everything to make her changed.”
Then I said, “But if she really cant change, then how? How could you as a parent force your own child to a corner just because she cannot live up to your standard? Why cannot love her as a child regardless of what she is and from there, focus in guiding her to be a good person?”
She replied, “It’s difficult. It’s such a shame.”
So this is another example of what will happen if one thinks only she holds the ‘right’ answer when the answer is apparently wrong coz a ‘right’ answer should not bring so much pain to all in a family… (this 15 years old lesbian girl is currently looking for someone to keep her coz her mum really chased her out of her house. I can feel her so helplessness...) -
Poor girl. I know an uneducated woman who accepted her lesbian daughter whole heartedly and her daughter always tell me, 妈妈最好。 she gives her mother money every month and takes her for holidays and to expensive restaurants. Her girlfriend will also drive her mother to and from airport. It is as if she has two very filial daughters instead of one.
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ammonite:
Poor girl. I know an uneducated woman who accepted her lesbian daughter whole heartedly and her daughter always tell me, 妈妈最好。 she gives her mother money every month and takes her for holidays and to expensive restaurants. Her girlfriend will also drive her mother to and from airport. It is as if she has two very filial daughters instead of one.
This girl is from a reputable girls' school and even the teachers are trying to help.
Her parents are highly educated type.
Sometimes it makes me wonder whether the more uneducated a person is may mean the lesser 无明 a person may have and vice versa.
The education that most of us have - does it really translate into more happiness or more burden??? -
Imami:
No, not really. I listen to the explanation because I myself dunno 三字经 well. Some of the verses I know but some I dun understand. Listening to the explanation is to complete my understanding.
So once u listen to the explanation version.. u will explain to ur ds?MintyMin:
[quote=\"Imami\"]I started with a CD from Popular, about $18. It’s called 说说唱唱I think. There are other CDs in the same series – multiplication, hanyu pin yin, 遍旁部首，弟子规etc.
In the 三字经cd, they have the recital version (an adult would recite and then a group of children would repeat), the song version (one person would sing with music) and explanation version (An adult would recite followed by explanation)
I listen to the explanation version. My son listens to the recital and the song version. Come with recital cards and summary card. Well worth the money.
For my son, I don’t really explain to him word by word. At his age and the fact that he cant read all the words in 三字经, being able to recite the whole thing is good enough. I would only explain when
1.\the come to me to ask about one or two verses
2.\ta scenario he is in which I can ‘show him the way’ with the 三字经 verses.
1.\tTake for instance recently he said he was keen to pick up drum, art and chess class. I told him the time has not arrived and that I do not think he has much bandwidth to learn so many things. He was defensive and said he could learn everything/anything he wanted (what a ya ya papaya!). Instead of getting into an argument with him, I gave him 12 words 若广学，惧其繁。但略说，能知原.
He: why you tell me that?
Me: do you know what have I just said?
He: 三字经 lor
Me: correct. 若广学，惧其繁。但略说，能知原. It means we cannot learn everything because there is just so much to learn. So long as we know a bit of everything it will be good enough
He backed off after thinking for a while.[/quote]Hi Imami,
Thanks! I will go look in popular today..
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insider:
OK, let's revise my Money Bowl Theory in 2009:
1.\tEveryone comes to this world more or less with a Money Bowl of a relatively fixed size. Person A may come with a Size $10,000, Person B $100,000, Person C $1,000,000, etc. This means if Person A tries and tries to thrift and save and eventually reaches $11,000, something will happen to let the extra $1,000 flows out, be it involving in a car accident, losing a wallet, someone falls sick in a family, etc. This further means good to know the size of your Money Bowl and works around that size and not to force in a way… (don’t ask me how to know the size of one’s Money Bowl. Usually one will know himself when seeing his money going in and out, out and in…)....
Insider jie
Is there such things as a negative money bowl?? Cos I notice that whenever I clear a loan (be it credit cards o/s or other loan o/s), somethings will happen to make me incurred another loan o/s (someone fell sick or hospitalise, some big item electrical or furniture needs replacement.....). -
kwk9060:
Hi kwk,
Is there such things as a negative money bowl?? Cos I notice that whenever I clear a loan (be it credit cards o/s or other loan o/s), somethings will happen to make me incurred another loan o/s (someone fell sick or hospitalise, some big item electrical or furniture needs replacement.....).
emmm...i no 灵感 to talk about $$$$ and so I will KIV your query to perhaps next time... -
Re-opening the case that I stopped half way at pg 35 as Mummy X wrote a very lengthy story and so try not to disappoint her with non reply.
Part 3
Mum X’s more detailed background:
- Own mum has a broken marriage with an abusive husband and encouraged /advised /提醒 her to marry a ‘gentle’ man when she was young.
- When she was younger, husband was a ‘gentle’ man and she married coz of this ‘characteristic’ plus his hot pursuit.
- She felt something not right, as in she doesn’t love her partner, during wedding day but too late to turn back.
- At wedding night, husband couldn’t ‘perform’.
- Couple used medical help to conceive a kid. Couple’s sexual life from thereon is minimal.
- She strives very hard after marriage and becomes successful in career probably making a few hundred thousand per year.
- One of her Masters told her that with her marriage, she will prosper but her husband will suffer ‘decline’. The other Master advised divorce.
- Husband indirectly enjoys her hard labour, becoming complacent and nonchalant.
- She is now sort of like a ‘white collar’ and he ‘blue collar’.
- Both have almost like nothing to communicate – like between Victoria with her secrets and an Ah Beng.
- Husband has turned to be vulgar and rough, demonstrating low EQ whenever he is in social talk with her friends / acquaintance. She feels tremendous shame and embarrassment if she were to be present with him in any social occasion.
- Couple has no common friends, with one having higher profile circle and one loitering in kopitiam.
- Originally teenage kid objected divorce but husband hit him and now he hates his dad. Father-son relationship is bad.
- Mum's living a higher flier lifestyle with branded goods and luxourious car. However, she almost like has no friends.
- Mum struggling with divorce decision coz of: guilt (like ‘discard’ someone after one gets successful), worry about karma (that after divorce, she may lost all her wealth), son will not have a father, she cannot handle others’ gossips if she ever divorces, etc.
- Basically, mum is confused over destiny and karma and therefore undecisive about decision and that has been going on for 10 over years.
- She has been keeping all these to herself coz of the sense of shame = minimal or no friends at all around her.
To be continued.
PS Mummy X: I have a close friend who seems to go through about the same journey as you. 80% of story is like identical and I always feel why would such an intelligent woman choose to live in hell. Will share her story when I analyse yours together when i am free.
PS2: Readers please just read for this case and don’t add on to it. Can digest the information and form your ‘opinion’ (why her destiny is like this, what should she do, etc, by using the 'knowledge' you 'learnt' so far) and then we may discuss it as a ‘case study’ if we want after my full version.
Again today is Friday and I may take a few days to finish this case coz quite complex. -
Mummy X - Part 4
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In my ‘imagination’, you should be someone who looks like 张曼玉. Not exactly pretty, with high cheekbones, sharper face, fair, and slim. Someone with 气质 (got 气质 is more attractive than being mere pretty). Usually this kind of ‘face’ = can’t marry well or becomes someone’s mistress = typical of a 红颜薄命 case.
My once-closed friend Z is this kind. She used to have many suitors. She chose and chose and at the end she chose to marry a very rich but vulgar man with low education.
Z’s husband is her childhood sweetheart. They separated when she went overseas to pursue her studies. In between the 20 years, she met many men but never got to settle down. Though successful and relatively wealthy on her own, she was sort of in a ‘panic mode’ when she was close to 40 and still coundn’t settle down. By ‘luck’, she met her childhood sweetheart back again. This man drove a Porche and lives in a bungalow. He wooed her like anything. He proposed and they got married.
The night before her wedding, she called me and cried, telling me that she didn’t want to marry and she felt that the whole wedding was a wrong decision. I advised her to back off from the wedding. But she said her husband would kill her if she ever did that.
Even before she decided to marry, I had told her time and again that this man is not suitable for her. There was once we ate in a fine dining places. The waiter accidentally spilt water and the then boyfriend went into loud “XYZ” mode in Hokkien, right in a high class dining place with all the guests staring at us with the commotion. That impression was very lasting for me as then boyfriend apparently has foul temper and bad social manners, and therefore is definitely not compatible with my this friend who wears three inch heels, carries Chanel, puts on silk, applies full make up always, etc.
So, they wedded and subsequently have a son.
Her wedding gifts from her husband if I remember correctly were another Porche and a house. But she NEVER seems to be happy. She feels ashame of being seen in proper social light with her husband, esp after one time he cursed all the Hokkien vulgarities of 瓶你老母, etc at someone during a minor dispute. She gave up going out with husband to meet friends whenever possible.
This couple has very little in common. My friend used to hold a high flier job but she quit coz it is really not necessary for her to work and her husband wants to stop any man from talking to his wife. She is given sort of unlimited amount of cash to spend, in anyway that she likes, from her husband.
She is very lonely. So, she concentrated in grooming her only son whom I feel is a bit ‘weird’ kind. The son turned up to be a ‘genius’ with super memory. But this son seldom talks. He has a pair of piercing eyes that if one were to observe his ice-cutting 眼神 carefully, one may literally shiver. I ever advised her that her son is not so ‘normal’ and have to take care of his emotional development above anything else.
But being emotionally unstable herself, she has very little to offer to her own son. Being a genius means sort of her son needs very little of her guidance (she researched a lot on how to raise genius and her son type is don’t need much guidance). He will stay in the room to read and read on own since about 5 years old and he keeps strictly to himself with minimal words. She told me that she never gets a chance to understand her son coz her son simply will not talk about anything involving emotions (but can talk about very chim scientific stuff of atoms this atoms that).
She continues to live in her glass tower. When she was still working, she almost went into an EMA that I warned her ‘NO’, that if she wanted another relationship, she needs to divorce first else CANNOT.
She jolly well know the consequences of if her husband really catches her in an EMA, what the husband will do to her. Her husband is that sort who is capable of murder everyone and then kill himself kind. He is not really a man to tussle with if one is not strong enough.
Basically, she is TRAPPED.
I know this friend for more than 10 years before I ‘broke off’ with her many years ago. She is the only one whom I broke off among my tens of close friends.
I did that coz her husband scolded me very badly over some incidence. The scolding include the 瓶xxx vulgarities. He used a lot of things that he knew about me to hurt me that I had to walk out of his house in front of many guests crying (that was one of the very rare moments in my life that I was so defeated).
My friend was apologetic of her husband’s behavior and she tried many times to patch us back. But in my mind I was thinking that her husband will not change and such scenario will happen again. The bad blood is there and so I don’t need to be sandwiched between them to make them quarrel or whatsoever.
I slowly distant myself from her and now it’s totally no contact. This is the ONLY ONE in my life whom I didn’t patch back… (coz I weighed and feel it’s of overall not much of a significance but maybe later part I may still go and shake hands with them again.)
To be cont…
PS: My friend’s family is unlikely to last. I am not cursing her but I believe I will receive news of her family members via obituary one of these days. Her house got too much 杀气 that is very bad for everyone, incl that son who is growing up…
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