桃花谈
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vinegar:
vinegar ah,insider,
how did u know my DH doesn't give me any $$?
My DH pays for everything n gave some cash,just enuff to pay for groceries & food.He doesn't see the reason to give me more $$ as savings. I told him i nid some 私房钱,he said i don't trust him.Since he pays for everything,he doesn't see the point of giving me extra.So i also gave up asking.
do u foresee he might hv affair in future?
You also don't 胡思乱想 hor.
I am just thinking you maybe more 'useful' to the society and to your family as a whole if you return to the workforce. If you work instead of staying behind and spend most of your time tailing behind your child and waiting for your husband can generate more positive energy for your family.
I am concerned for ALL women who choose to be SAHM but who do not have any 私房钱. ALL SAHM should have 私房钱 if the husband can afford (if cannot afford, then it's ok coz a husband and wife mean both must go through thick and thin together).
Also, Money Bowl Theory has it that if men want to become rich, they should entrust their money to their wives (of course provided the wives are of OK OK intelligence). Men who prefer to keep their own purse string instead of handing it over to their wives may find it more difficult to make money...
So, if your husband, if he can afford to give you some 私房钱 but refuses to do so, I think his money will not come in so easy (赚钱一般上会比较不顺利、比较辛苦）. Emmm... the more a husband wants to hold the purse string, the more 辛苦 his 赚钱 will be... -
Insider,
Whenever I read your postings, it tend to remind of my dad. From the stories I heard from him, he had a difficult childhood,suffered abuse from own dad, step mum, betrayal.while he would go on and on about his stories, at some point, I was puzzled why he kept on stayijg and helping them despite the unkind treatment. One of which he was denied food by own father, betrayed and chased out of the very house he helped them look for to rent. Why why would he want to go back again and again and helped send money to china to feed another set of his dad’s family. Although very rich, WW2 left the descendants in poverty when my grandfather ran away to another country, abandoning his children . In his old age, my dad welcomed him with open arms to visit us for the first time from overseas, could be seeking forgiveness of some sorts,I am not sure, but I can remember my dad was very happy when he visited. Didn’t quite gel with the horror childhood stories I heard so I was a pretty confused little girl back then. And my grandfather passed away suddenly during his visit when he was here. While he shared his stories to me who was the only one available to listen to him,I could feel his sadness, but never once did he scold or curse his elders. When the step mum passed away in old age, he went to show his last respect too.
I could feel his sadness as like saying ,'why like that" when he was very ill and his step siblings could not fly in from overseas to visit him as they could not get their leave approved, so we were told. He just said he understand,but I could feel his helplessness.this could possibly be the last time he could see them and they did not cherish it. Speaks volumes of how they feel about my dad, whom scrimp and save to feed us and them in china on his blue collar salary.
He did said,some stuff could be forgiven, but to ask him to forget will be an insult to the hardship he had gone through . Despite whatever happened, we were told to respect and that all blood kin are important.
My dad was a heavy smoker. Peak at twenty packs a day he boasted. The time when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, overheard him saying that thank goodness it hit him now and not ten years earlier when we were still schooling
All are water under the bridge, but at times I still feelthe Iinjustice that he underwent. Every time my parents made a trip overseas,will have to pop over to visit the step grandma. The this is not the abusive one. This family is the one my dad helped supported and my dad seemed to adore this aunt of mine. This recent trip was no difference. They gave us some local produce I think as a gracious act. But why expired food? Why like that? Are we not worth something decent? -
Oh, and the abusive step mum family story. That complicated story linked to what I heard my other relatives said about how the state of her descendants now are the karma results of her acts previously. I feel sad when I hear this not because I don’t totally disbelief karma- but it is like to tell the descendants 你活该,you suffer for your ancestor actions, I tend to think it is like …why like that?
Not sure you know what I am trying to say. Find it difficult to express what is going on in my mind during these times. -
jedamum:
Jedamum
My dad was a heavy smoker. Peak at twenty packs a day he boasted. The time when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, overheard him saying that thank goodness it hit him now and not ten years earlier when we were still schooling
All are water under the bridge, but at times I still feelthe Iinjustice that he underwent. Every time my parents made a trip overseas,will have to pop over to visit the step grandma. The this is not the abusive one. This family is the one my dad helped supported and my dad seemed to adore this aunt of mine. This recent trip was no difference. They gave us some local produce I think as a gracious act. But why expired food? Why like that? Are we not worth something decent?
Your dad came to 还债 one hor...
He had done well and from what I read, completed his journey proudly, coz basically he should have repaid most if not all that he needed to repay. It's a terrible journey but the way he had gone through it was remarkable. Don't you think so?
Your daddy sounded.... GREAT!!! (wow, then you should be blessed with some good seeds from him!).
Those relatives who gave you expired food. Pls don't get upset with them. They are not as lucky as us to have good moral conscience. Many China Chinese have very distorted mentality coz of their hard lives (if you were to read China history, many of them really have suffered so much that their brains sort of got re-wired and somehow turn to be less human). Use some of your 仁 to understand and accept their 不仁.
My dad stayed in the hospital for about 32 days before he finally gone. At the last two weeks of his stay, he had to undergo kidney dialysis (heart failure then caused kidneys failure). He kena punched a hole around his chest to hold the tube for dialysis. Then his bottoms began to 'rot' too during the last two weeks. I saw he suffered (he was quite a heavy man and so not easy to turn him around). But in my heart I was quite clear of why he had to go through these and I was glad that his actual sufferings were mere two weeks.
I am sharing this coz we cannot suffer on behalf of another person's sins and they have to go through themselves, with us probably aside to feel glad that they had done well and it's all over... -
jedamum:
As said, those descendants were borne with some past scores that need to be settled among themselves. These descendants carried with them the seeds from their previous lives. It's not so much of 活该 or not 活该 but that will be the route that they need to travel coz of the 共业 involved. Sooner or later, usually a 'savior' will be borne in this kind of family, someone with good 慧根, to help this family out coz the supernatural forces will not force anyone to the every end and when the time is right, the 'right' one will be sent to redeem the family. So, just have to wait...Oh, and the abusive step mum family story. That complicated story linked to what I heard my other relatives said about how the state of her descendants now are the karma results of her acts previously. I feel sad when I hear this not because I don't totally disbelief karma- but it is like to tell the descendants 你活该,you suffer for your ancestor actions, I tend to think it is like ...why like that?
Not sure you know what I am trying to say. Find it difficult to express what is going on in my mind during these times. -
Hi insider,
Yes. Do agree that from the perspective of the traditional pov,my dad was the most successful one, leaving behind a brood of five grandsons despite he was the one who married the latest.
He was a great man. But one who has difficulty connecting with his family members. In my memory, he was always helping others, and an absent and authoritative father figure.
Hey, I think I will dream of him again tonight. The past few times when I read your thread and went to bed thinking of similar issues. , I dreamt of my dad. -
insider,
i understand what u mean…I feel happier as working mum too.Too bad,there is no way i could return to workforce at this moment.
One thing i lost ever since i bcome SAHM is self-respect.DH doesn’t respect me as before…take me for granted most of times.So I took ur advices,pamper myself when necessary. -
insider:
But in my heart I was quite clear of why he had to go through these and I was glad that his actual sufferings were mere two weeks.
I can relate to this.
My 大姑 felt giddy and vomit on 3rd day of this year's CNY. She fainted, heart beat stopped for 30mins. They managed to resuscitate her. But she was in coma and left on 10th day of CNY. She was a very kind person when she was alive. Always helping those in need. So despite that her funeral was during CNY, alot of people turned up to send her off. In addition, my mum was saying due to her good deeds, she only left on 10th day as she wanted everyone to pray to heaven god first. Though it was sudden but she left in quite a good way. Without her really suffering.
My grandpa on the other hand has been sick for the last 15 years. He is 89 this year. Stroke after stroke. In and out of hospital. My uncle (from step grandma) has been taking care of him all this while. Seeing how my auntie left in a good manner, mum told me that uncle felt really emotional about it. Afterall he has been taking care of them for so many years. Mum said that when grandpa was young and in China, he had to force people to get rid of ancestor tablets etc... and all other \"not so good\" stuff. So now the spirits are torturing him. They don't want to make death easy for him....
Then there is my step grandma. She was a typical wicked stepmum when she was young. Always ill treat my mother, etc... Now she trust my mum most as my mum has been treating her well despite all that has happened. She has 2 kids (my uncle and auntie). Both are not doing \"well\" and her mental health has been so so. Mum always felt that it's because of my step grandma's \"bad\" deeds in the past that is now affecting her 2 children. -
Hi insider,
Learnt new things today after reading all the posts.
That is one of the main purposes of a marriage is that we marry someone who is definitely not an identical piece of ourselves so that we can learn to be a better person over the long run.
Also about the Money Bowl Theory, I always don’t want to take hb’s money one. Like to be as independent as I can. Now I know where his money don’t come in so easy. -
vinegar:
vinegar,insider,
i understand what u mean....I feel happier as working mum too.Too bad,there is no way i could return to workforce at this moment.
One thing i lost ever since i bcome SAHM is self-respect.DH doesn't respect me as before...take me for granted most of times.So I took ur advices,pamper myself when necessary.
I share with you one of the smses that my second sis sent to me last May when i encouraged her to come out for a coffee with me and she said no followed by:
\"No thanks. I need to cook dinner. To b frank wif u, I wish I never get married, so I could have my own career, freedom and many much more. I was too stupid to quit d job n so naive wanted to be a gd mother. But what to do? It's too late to regret. Thanks anyway.\"
Above is her exact sms.
Her 3 GEP kids are around 22, 20, and 18 this year.
Her life is really so unfulfilling.
I have to go back to my earlier Guiding Principle:
要做不要怨
要怨不要做
如果要做又要怨 will achieve lesser than 干脆不要做.
Dont fall into the vicious cycle.
If now you have to be the SAHM, then be the best that you can be.
不要怨 coz it's your choice, else your 'nails' maybe flying around and all at home will 难过......
Just have a maybe 3-year or 5-years plan, then maybe one day you can come out to breathe again. MUST live this period of time more cheerfully!
Will share the story of my second sis when i free, about why she seems a bit like is the creator of everything but blames the things that she has created herself...
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