桃花谈
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SAHM_TAN:
I guess it's the 'ying & yang' thingy at work. I noticed the more kancheong parents are, the more slacked kids will be. If we take a step back, surprisingly kids do pull up their socks. What I drill to my kids is positive learning attitude and they have to take responsiblity for their own work.This is the only thing that is causing friction bet my kids and I. They are good kids and I do not understand my Achilles' heel abt the learning part. I think it's the fear. From both my hubby's and my educational experience we should be more secured in this area. But I keep thinking now is different and that they have to do extremely well in studies becos we do not have financial inheritance for them.
Although the friction is caused by studies and learning, the damage done is much wider. This is the period of mini tests for dd1 and I have decided to do what I envision instead of what I fear. I always wanted to put relationship above results and know that values and character is more important than results. Of course there are parents who can accomplish both but for me I find that more and more I'm sacrificing relationship for results.
I've learned not to judge my kids' result. (This is not easy, especially when I see careless mistakes everywhere :slapshead: but gonna zipped) I will browse through their papers, accept whatever marks they got and just sign - on the condition I do see them putting in effort beforehand to prepare.
My dd won't even revise if she has her way. She always says she knows everything & that it's boring to revise. But I wanted her to get into the habit of preparing. So I insist she must at least glance through. If she revise sufficiently, I would be ready to accept whatever results she achieved. That's like our little pact since p1.
Nowadays whenever her classmates mentioned their parents gonna scold them for their results, my dd always feels so fortunate compared to them & proudly declare 'my mummy never once scold me over my marks'. Not even when she only gets 70 marks for tingxie as long I noticed her learning the day before. -
flametree:
Haha, you two not alone. My friend's hubby also exactly the same, gives all income to wife to manage. We were all quite amazed when she told us that, and thought she's the only fortunate one!Hi sleepy,
I think your hubby and mine are the \"near extinct\" type on earth.
My hubby is exactly like yours in terms of financial side.
flametree -
This one specially for SAHM_TAN (whom I think is a very conscientious woman who is trying very hard to stay ‘balanced’…)
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My second sis is a quiet girl since young. She is 5 years older than me and now in her early 50s.
Being a year younger than my eldest sis and positioned 2nd child in the family, she had her fair share of doing house chores and taking care of the younger siblings when we were young.
Our relationship is an OK one. She was the one who taught me how to use a pad and how to use skin care (Kose, Kanebo, etc) when I was in my teens.
We don’t really share much of our private lives. I know that she is a perfectionist, extremely hardworking, obedient, filial, can take hardships and pains, talks little and keeps a lot to herself, and prideful.
Like all the girls in my family, she is Chinese educated (somehow, my dad sent all daughters to Chinese school and boys to English. Seemed like he believed Chinese educated women make better wives and English is necessary for men to make a living).
She did reasonably well for her A levels in ACJC, BUT she didn’t choose to continue to the uni but went to work in a bank after her A levels. There, she met her husband and she married at age around 24.
Years later after her marriage, she told me about her decision of not continuing study was because she didn’t want to burden my parents financially and she chose to marry young was because she wanted to get out of my crammed house as fast as she could.
She dreamt of starting a new family so that she could have a ‘dream’ one that will not be anything like my family.
So, when she met my brother-in-law, an English educated relatively high flyer working in the bank, she hopped into marriage when he proposed.
It was later then she realized they are not compatible coz my brother in law is more ‘ang mo pai’ and she more Chinese type = both don’t really have many common interests (remark: that’s why I married a Chinese educated man coz I can’t stand ang po pai man as a spouse and so I know what she meant. How to tahan if my spouse cannot discuss 孔子、孟子, 金镛 etc with me? Ang mo pai to me = shallower. Hahaha…don’t stone me…)
I know my sis has all along felt shameful for being borne into my family with my dad who womanized, my second brother who took drugs, the seemed never ending problems in the house, etc. None of her current family members know about her actual family background coz she would not breathe a word to them coz ‘disgraceful’. Basically, my family to her is 羞于启齿.
After she married, she tried to leave my family alone so that she didn’t need to feel worried or troubled (she is someone who will do best if she knows anyone has troubles and so in order not to do, the best is not to know. Anything she does, one can expect nothing but the BEST efforts).
My sis until today still couldn’t shake off her ‘shame’ of being a Chinese educated woman. During her working years, she was looked down upon many times by those English educated colleagues and her poorer command of oral English probably resulted in her superior passing her whenever promotions were concerned. There is this bitterness in her about being a very good worker but then was sidelined as a result of not being able to command more powerful English language. When her kids were smaller, I used to tell her to try to develop a love for Chinese in them, she used to brush me off about “Chinese is useless.” I felt very sad whenever I heard this coz I have always love the language that I feel is many times richer than English.
She changed job after she married and the boss liked her enough to give her promotion up to an Asst Manager level within 3 years. My sis worked like a cow. Actually whoever who can employ her is very lucky coz she will put in 101% of her efforts into any task that she is given. Well, she is a perfectionist afterall.
My sis HATES sex from Day One of her marriage. She said whenever my brother in law wants, she just had to oblige and felt like being raped. She cannot understand why people can find sex ‘enjoyable’. She quarreled with my brother in law many times about this matter.
Then, her children arrived one after another. Her first two children were daughters and she wanted a son (she is prideful. If no son she feels 没有面子 in front of her in laws. Perhaps this is the ‘Chinese’ in her). Her third child is a son and a quite sickly one. So, she resigned and stayed at home to take care of her three children altogether.
Once being a SAHM, she moved her ‘perfectionist’ mentality into the ‘amazing’ journey of grooming her kids in their academics…
To be continued… -
insider:
errr....personally i dont 诵经拜佛 at all coz those are considered 'rituals' to me.
For people who are not vegetarian, don't 诵经拜佛， how to 修？Imami:
[quote=\"insider\"] to 修 and 修
more important is to practise (修) those things that are important to be a good person (仁) and these things are usually written in 佛经.
That's why I read a lot of 佛理 and try to understand a lot on what certain 佛经 is trying to teach, then I attempt to digest and practice.
When I am older, maybe I will start to 诵经, coz by then I think I would have understood more of the 经 and so when I start to chant, it will become more meaningful.[/quote]Hi insider, I’m very glad that you truly understand what pure Buddhism is all about. I always feel that it’s a pity that Buddhism has somehow been “contaminated” by Taoism and traditional beliefs, and misunderstood by many when some of these rituals and beliefs have been modified and incorporated into Buddhism.
The true meaning of 诵经 is to understand and meditate on the 佛经. Chanting repeatedly while understanding the meaning helps to remind us of the 佛理 and to calm the soul. It’s more meaningful, rather than to chant the words mindlessly without understanding the meaning.insider:
Yes, I agree with you with regards to the \"拜佛\". Actually, it's 心中有佛, 佛在我心. 我既是佛, 佛既是我也.Another thing is about 拜佛.
Actually I dont quite get this meaning of 拜佛 coz as far as I know, I am the 佛 (my honest understanding). So 拜佛 to me actually means to empower the deepest sense of 仁慈 that I am capable of within myself (佛性).
As said, I don't go to temple often and the temple is in my heart.
I just read and reflect a lot...I think the more appropriate term for me to use is I 参佛 and not really 拜佛.insider:
In essence, Buddhism is a philosophy, a way of life.You catch the ball?
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sleepy:
From young, I have to figure out a lot of things on my own with minimal or no guidance. What makes sense and what doesn't make sense - all these I need to process on own to form personal opinions.
I guess you have high 悟性 so it's possible to read and internalise 佛理...
I like to compare listening to 道义 as attending a group tuition on 佛理 . It's much easier to understand, sort of simplified to my (low) level of 悟性
rather than asking me to read up on my own
I dont have the 'luck' of meeting a good Master yet and so I have to read and again, to figure it out on own.
I have the advantage of experiencing enough of life and so my readings tend to make perhaps more sense than those who haven't have the 'opportunity' to been through what I have been through.
My personal experience leads me to believe that all kids can figure things out themselves with minimal guidance and sooner or later they would be able to do so = too much guidance may not be good coz it 'retards' the natural capability that each supposes to have. That's why my parenting style of leaving my kids more or less on their own and waiting for them to 开窍 on own. (my 'effortless' parenting concept...)
Think my greatest joy so far is find the meanings of living and appreciate life as really beautiful... -
My second sis - Part 2
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That time when she became a SAHM, her kids were new born, 2 years old, and 4 years old.
Her ‘missions’ were to
-\tCook well
-\tMaintain the house well
-\tTeach well
She would wake up at about 5 am in the morning to prepare breakfast for the husband and kids and then go market daily to buy fresh produce (she doesn’t believe in frozen food).
After breakfast, she would drive and drop the husband off the MRT station to go work (husband worked in Raffles Place).
She started to research on how to teach phonics to young children (she knew about phonics coz I sent my elder nephew to phonics classes a few year earlier than that).
She began teaching with all the teaching materials that can put some preschool teachers to shame.
Then she researched into enrichments and off the two elder ones started their piano, ballet, advance reading with Lorna Whiston, swimming, abacus, etc, etc.
After sending her husband off to the MRT, she would send the kids to childcare and return home to do housework and prepare dinner. You cannot find a single strand of hair in her house – that’s her STANDARD of cleanliness (she ever tried to have a maid but the maid was fired coz ‘not clean enough’.)
If the kids had enrichment classes, she would drive to childcare and then do the pick-send-send-pick errands.
She did this with a little baby in tow.
She spent all her waking hours tending to the house and taking care of her kids with minimal attention to herself and her husband (weekends were all burnt in waiting for kids in enrichment centres).
She was building her PERFECT FAMILY.
After her first daughter entered primary one, she started her quest on real academics.
She learnt EVERYTHING possible about primary school curriculum. Her knowledge on primary school maths again can put many teachers to shame (I can say she can solve ANY problem in primary school maths coz think she has almost EVERY assessment book that was available in the market at that time).
Her two daughters are the 100/100 most of the time in school for ALL subjects. The extent that she was willing to go to include writing and pasting Chinese words on the wall facing the dining table, so that her kids could read and ‘revise’ the important words ‘conveniently’. She was her kids main tuition teacher but they still had to attend external creative writing, Toast Master activities, etc.
The kids did very well in EVERY enrichment that they were enrolled, achieved all the grading and obtained all the Golds; basically 文武双全. These two were the envy of many parents.
Her 101% dedication to her children’s education saw ‘light – her two daughters were selected for GEP…
To be continued… -
insider:
Insider jie,Usually there’s no ‘right’ answer. In every decision that we make, we activate a series of ‘seeds’ and started a chain of events and the ultimate outcome usually is about the same as whether one choose this (such as being a SAHM or being a husband making $5000) or that (such as being a FTWM or a husband making $10,000). But people continue to struggle to find the ‘right’ answer and henceforth the unnecessary stress, resentment, bitterness, etc, generated within a family.
Meant to ask you about this too. Don't quite understand.
Does it mean whether I quit my job to stay home with kids or continue working, my kids' 品性will turn out the same way nevertheless?
The amount of time I spend with them by staying home makes no impact on making them a better person?
Like imparting them the right values such as empathy, fillial piety, responsiblities and survival skills such like time management.
And of course, mostly we're just having fun cuddling and tickling each other. I happen to be a goofy & playful mum. My kids' exact words 'mummy, you're too childish, just like a kid' and I don't think they meant it as a compliment :rotflmao:
I really love every moment at home with my kids (except when they were squabbling which I find really irritating). Have been a SAHM for 10 years, best job ever
And I would like to think my presence at home makes a positive impact on my kids' well being :please:
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sleepy:
Does it mean whether I quit my job to stay home with kids or continue working, my kids' 品性will turn out the same way nevertheless?
The amount of time I spend with them by staying home makes no impact on making them a better person?
emmm...I hate to say this but in my understanding is 'Yes', the kiddos will be about the same.
with you staying at home, they may develop in certain areas and miss developing in other areas.
without you staying at home, they may also develop in certain areas and miss developing in other areas. (if you are living your life happily as a SAHM is still ok, but if were to live like my second sis, then it's a very negative nail on her kids that she should actually choose to work!)
So, the 'net net' will not be so much of a difference over the long term whether you stay at home or you work as far as children are concerned (provided you have reliable alternative care at home / childcare and physically you can juggle between work and home 'efficiently'). However, you yourself may have gained coz you enjoyed those moments with them.
Basically, anyone who cannot stay at home and be a happier mum and wife needs to find ways not to take up this role and go out working else the family is likely to be filled with much negative energy = futile and really pointless...
The REAL problem happens when a woman doesnt like to work and also cannot be a good SAHM and so which ever way also net loss... -
concern2:
thanks...how shld i explain in \"layman\" terms to children? For e.g. son asks why that uncle so rude n inconsiderate?(pointing at the man who took the seat without asking)
Vinegar, I face similar situations as you. Just to share how I deal with it:vinegar:
insider,
Sometx,we meet nasty ppl, for e.g. inconsiderate driver,unreasonable elderly who cut quene..etc..My son always asks:why this people like that? will they go to hell?
i tried to explain to him abt karma,not sure whether he understands. Other than that,i asked him what he learnt fr. here,for e.g.knowing it's caused inconvenience n unhappiness to others,we shld not do that.Don't do to others if we don't wanna other to do onto us...basic form of respect.
Is this the correct way to teach n guide our children?
I find explaining karma rather abstract for kids, cos then, you have to bring in the concept of reincarnation (more or less), then kids will start asking more and more, which I can't answer. To make things simple, I would explain 'positive' and 'negative' energy. When you are positive, you attract good things and good behavior(from others), and when you are negative, you experience bad luck/ misfortune. They have been briefed by me about what constitute positive and negative energies, so most of the time, if they encounter negative behaviour from other people, I would get them to remain positive. That kind of works for us, and easier for the kids to manage themselves.
It takes the kids to experience for themselves and to understand such 'energies' and how to practice them in real life, so I make it a point to point out to them whenever appropriate. For instance, they might get angry with each other and start chasing each other, then one falls and get cuts/bruises. Little things like that is easily a cause and effect, and negative energies resulting in misfortune. Building upon this, I believe, makes understanding about \"karma\" easier later in life.
That said, of course, I will be ALL EARS to as to how to better guide the children! -
insider:
insider,sleepy:
Does it mean whether I quit my job to stay home with kids or continue working, my kids' 品性will turn out the same way nevertheless?
The amount of time I spend with them by staying home makes no impact on making them a better person?
emmm...I hate to say this but in my understanding is 'Yes', the kiddos will be about the same.
with you staying at home, they may develop in certain areas and miss developing in other areas.
without you staying at home, they may also develop in certain areas and miss developing in other areas. (if you are living your life happily as a SAHM is still ok, but if were to live like my second sis, then it's a very negative nail on her kids that she should actually choose to work!)
So, the 'net net' will not be so much of a difference over the long term whether you stay at home or you work as far as children are concerned (provided you have reliable alternative care at home / childcare and physically you can juggle between work and home 'efficiently'). However, you yourself may have gained coz you enjoyed those moments with them.
Basically, anyone who cannot stay at home and be a happier mum and wife needs to find ways not to take up this role and go out working else the family is likely to be filled with much negative energy = futile and really pointless...
The REAL problem happens when a woman doesnt like to work and also cannot be a good SAHM and so which ever way also net loss...
thks so much
i think i finally got what u mean(sorry a bit slow)...I'll try my best to be a good sahm n enjoy to be one....
i think what u mean if we r happy to be SAHM,will bring positive energy n happiness to family.
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