桃花谈
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insider,
i feel ur sis is too perfectionist…making her life very miserable… -
My Second Sis - Part 3
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My sis continued ‘grooming’ her two daughters and her younger son followed the trail of his sisters.
However, this son is ‘special’.
He didn’t seem like to learn.
He closed his eyes when she tried to teach.
He didn’t like to write nor read.
He looked ‘blur blur’.
He hated to go to preschool and so far is the child who holds the longest record of time required to settle into preschool in my knowledge – a solid 18 months of crying and vomiting and all kinds of stunt before he finally settled in.
Her son is a very quiet boy of few words. He wasn’t co-operative with teachers during his primary school years with them always complained to my sis that he dreamt a lot and not paying attention in class. His academic results during lower primary school years were less than satisfactory. He anyhow did homework and made people around him puked blood.
My sis was very worried coz this one is her precious SON. How can he not performing when his sisters made it to the GEP? She spent a lot of time and energy tussling with this little boy, 软硬兼施, but all not effective. This boy continued to live in his dream world, totally bo chup and defiant when forced (a lot of fights at home).
Came GEP screening. He was selected. Then my sis realized, ahhh…, so that’s the reason for his ‘weirdness’…
To communicate more effectively with her son, my sis went on to research on ‘How to bring up a Genius?”. (remark: never let my this sis embark on any research, coz she will be very thorough and after the research, she sort of can be the ‘professor’ of that research subject. She is just plain ‘scary’ when she sets her mind to pursue on something)
However, no matter how she tries (until today), she still cannot communicate effectively with her son.
Her son has a mind of his own, doesn’t take instructions at all, will do things to let one vomit blood (such as splashed body soap all over the bathroom whenever he showered; used up half a tube of toothpaste PER brush, etc). He spends a lot of time playing computer (if don’t allow him to do so, he will lock himself in the room and refuses to come out of it at all). He can stare at you and don’t utter a single word at all if he is not in the ‘mood’ to take your questions.
This son sort of 差点买了她的命.
Her first daughter did OK in her PSLE at 260 (expectation then was above 260 and so kind of ‘short’).
Second daughter (think) at 263.
Son at 271 (this one seldom studied during his primary school years that got my sis so worried sick during his PSLE).
Three of them went to the R schools; all excel in CCAs.
My eldest sis’ daughters one has 248 and the other one has 220 for PSLE.
My daughter is 261 and son is 218-228 (cant remember).
All the above kids (except her second daughter and her son think IP without O levels) have a max difference of 7 points in their O levels (as compared the best with the worst, the difference is a mere 7 points, min 4 and max 11). <edited>
Her eldest daughter got AAA/B in her A levels. She was rejected by NUS Business during her year of application, despite after a very satisfactory interview with her sterling CCA records. She refused to go anywhere else then and took a gap year to work. In that subsequent year, she followed some friends and applied to another uni and went in.
Her second daughter got AABB in her A levels. She cried when she got her results coz she was thinking of going LSE to pursue econs but then with these grades is impossible. She was so confident that she could make it to LSE (think something went wrong during the exams) She ended up in a school not of her choice too.
Her son now is in Year 6 of school.
My second sis was disappointed with her two daughters.
Her daughters also seemed disappointed in themselves.
I think my sis got doubly disillusioned when my eldest sis’ two daughters obtained AAB/C and AAB/B respectively and my daughter has a GPA of above 3.9 from poly, all with minimal coaching and tuition.
She used to bug and bug my eldest sis and me with good intention to pay more attention to our kids’ education coz it is so so so difficult to stay ahead.
For my eldest sis is she has no means, in terms of intellectual and financial, to support her kids.
For me is I believe in let nature take its course.
So, we ignored her bugging and let our kids be more or less on their own.
As good sisters, we are NEVER competitive against each other and would celebrate each other’s success (all my family members have the ‘generous’ blood running in us). However, the ‘results’ might have shown that actually she didn’t really have to work that hard in the first place to give her children all the ‘headstarts’ when the outcome up to now for about 18 years worth of hardwork is actually not great a difference among the children seen.
To be continued… -
Mawar:
Trust me. Many of us went through that. I used to wonder what I got myself into when the kids came. My orderly world was turned upside down. The monsters even poked holes in my potted plants!!! :mad: When the toddlers threw tantrums, I threw even bigger ones. I used to think I was not cut out to be a mother.[/quote]Thanks for sharing mawar, :hugs: based on what you hv posted from other threads, I actually think quite highly about you. U always come across as someone quite sensible and with an excellent humor! To read how u also feel the same in the past, makes me feel better.
:hugs: aiyo… SAHM Tan, why you say until like that…. I always feel a stinging feeling in my heart whenever I heard the “I'm not really cut up to be a mother”. Especially in recent 2 years, I hear this more often. In the past, it was only me saying it. And because I feel this way, I can empathise with fellow mummies who feel the same.Imami:
[quote=\"SAHM_TAN\"]
I'm not really cut up to be a mother. I have a really good childhood. But I've never envision myself to be a mother or a wife. I kinda flow with life.
So to have 3 kids is really a shock to me.
Don’t be so hard on yourself, I am quite sure you have done well. Keep up with the composure and give yourself a pat on your back!
I still have this \"I am not cut to be a mother\" in me. In many aspect, people think I do well - I cook for my family, I am a very hands on mum (no maid, always taking care and handling the well being of my son etc), very keen to find out about child care/nurturing/enrichment classes etc but somehow I feel a void within. I always feel that I miss something.
Some time back, my sil (bro's wife) told me- she was surprised that I could manage my son so well. She said when I was pregnant, she did worry about me, how I could cope with a kid when I myself was a kid. She wondered how my husband and I would juggle with a baby after she saw how her own sister had problem dealing with her own kid. She also doubted my decision to send my son to infant care when he was only 2-3 months old. Basically, she felt I would be \"cannot make it\". But she was surprised how well I managed, making very bold decisions for my son and him emerged from those bold decisions well.
Even my mil is won over. So in a way, I am a mother who can produce result (meaning a good mum) but for some strange reason, I always feel a void. Like there is still something that I have not done wel... :sad: -
Insider, just wondering - when u have " to be continued" as the last paragraph, shd we stop posting until u finish your story?
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Imami:
Insider, just wondering - when u have \" to be continued\" as the last paragraph, shd we stop posting until u finish your story?
hahaha... please post as you wish hor...
I will mark \"Part xxx\" as a sign for readers to continue from previous part.
I may stop for a while when I have no time to write and so cannot be so 'selfish' to stop others from writing while I not writing... -
My Second Sis - Final Part
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In her quest for perfection, my sis seems to have lost herself completely.
She lives a life of 5 am to 12 am daily, keeping her house clean, her family well fed, and her kids’ studies well.
She only has a friend from her sec school. This friend married a rich man and has a son. It doesn’t help that this son is a 不争气 son who went overseas to play more than to study and her husband has EMA outside and this friend has to keep quiet about it coz she doesn’t want to lose her family. So, these two will sulk about lives together when they talk (all negative talks and nothing positive from each other).
My sis’ health is not very good now due to long term of slogging in her ultra clean house. There was a stage when she went into depression when her husband was retrenched from the banking job. All along I have heard of she saying 做人没意思、孩子大了我可以死了一了百了、etc kind of comments. Her kids took her suicidal thoughts as ‘jokes’ and that she always ‘say but never do’ and told me not to take her words seriously. Told me as long as get As then mummy will be happy oredi. “My mum is seow one” was one of the comments from her eldest daughter when I tried to have a serious talk with her.
Fortunately, her husband now is trading at home and making even more than his old monthly salary. So, the family still can live comfortably financial wise.
Now her kids are big and they are seldom home. She still cooks at home, asking them to come back and eat coz ‘eat outside not healthy’. But kids this age would spend a lot of time in school and most time will makan with friends. That makes her suffering from the empty nest syndrome. Her not-so-good relationship with her husband coupled with her menopause symptoms compounded her ‘grief’.
As she has spent most of her time with her kids all these years dealing mainly with back-to-back academic stuff (at times could be quite ‘unpleasant’ among the parties), her children’s emotional bonding with her is not strong and so they don’t really pay attention to her needs and continue to enjoy their youth and whatever.
Now that her daughters’ wings are strong to fly, they don’t really listen to her anymore (now is quarreling about coming home late, wearing less than decent clothing, occasional pubbing issues, etc). Her son continues to ‘ignore’ her. Nobody takes her seriously at home. She is being taken for granted.
My sis is a good woman. So responsible. So filial (she will call my mum EVERYDAY to chat with her for about an hour to keep my mum occupied).
I am so sad that though given with sufficient intelligence and wealth, she doesn’t really get to have a fulfilling life.
I know what her problem is but I can’t enlighten her coz of her staunch ‘perfectionist’ nature that if anything with flaw/s = her fault.
She simply carries those ‘shame’ about her own family background unnecessarily hard on herself. These past hurts still haunting her.
She fails to be like me to take a step back to reflect on all the positive points that we can learn from our negative experiences. (as long as one refuses to acknowledge the existence of a past bad experience = trying to escape = suppressed negative energy hidden in the conscious / subconscious).
It will be difficult to let her see that she is the creator of everything but now she blames the things that she has created. 超级无明, that I wonder will she ever ‘wake up’ before more serious thing happens to her.
She is now sort of go back to the time when she was 24 years old, dying to get out from the family, to be free again.
I am not sure on her death bed, what her last thought will be…
Really life is actually so simple, why many have to live it in such a complicated manner?
人生…不就是那短短的几十年吗？
为别人，掏尽了自己，值得吗？？
Why many simply cannot live for self but have to live for others?
PS: I tried numerous times to get her out to talk but she always replies, “Not free”. Those times when we met at my mum’s house were not convenient to talk… -
insider,
Ur sis calls ur mum everyday.Can her mum try to talk to her?
I call my mum when i am free. My mum is the one who always "psycho" me like what u do…I feel it helps a lot.
I don’t really get it…it has been so long oredi,why does she still shame abt her family background?there is nothing wrong wf her past.Everyone has their past.
I come fr. poor family.I am chinese educated too.But I nvr feel ashamed abt my background.My father is intelligent,well educated but bad temper n character(gamble,womanizer,etc).
My mum worked as babysitter,cleaner,to raise us.My brother is doctor,now own chain of clinics.while,i am as not as successful as my bro,i am contented wf what i’ve now.
为别人，掏尽了自己，值得吗？？can i chk with u,i am trying to relate this.Is that mean we shld not sacrifice our happiness bcoz of our parents or children?i always wonder…to what extend,we could sacrifice without losing ourselves. -
Imami:
To read how u also feel the same in the past, makes me feel better.
Trust me. Many of us went through that. I used to wonder what I got myself into when the kids came. My orderly world was turned upside down. The monsters even poked holes in my potted plants!!! :mad: When the toddlers threw tantrums, I threw even bigger ones. I used to think I was not cut out to be a mother.Mawar:
[quote=\"SAHM_TAN\"]
I'm not really cut up to be a mother. I have a really good childhood. But I've never envision myself to be a mother or a wife. I kinda flow with life.
So to have 3 kids is really a shock to me.
I still have this \"I am not cut to be a mother\" in me. In many aspect, people think I do well but somehow I feel a void within. I always feel that I miss something.
for some strange reason, I always feel a void. Like there is still something that I have not done wel... :sad:[/quote]Ladies, try to be more forgiving on yourself. Yes, we grown up being conditioned to be over achievers. I realised very quickly the initial few months when I stayed home that I'm not as capable as I would like to be. The consolation is in kids' eyes, mummy is always the best so I guess at least I don't have to worry about them judging me. I try not to bash myself up. To be happy at home, I learn to forgive & embrace my imperfections. -
vinegar:
Obviously not insider, but just wanna share my personal take on this because you got me thinking. For me, it boils down to self knowledge and self awareness. If you know yourself well, it will not be a sacrifice but a clear choice forward.
为别人，掏尽了自己，值得吗？？can i chk with u,i am trying to relate this.Is that mean we shld not sacrifice our happiness bcoz of our parents or children?i always wonder...to what extend,we could sacrifice without losing ourselves.
My first child was unexpected and he changed my entire direction. I had a very good chance of winning a postgrad scholarship at an Ivy league university and had plans to work overseas subsequently in an international organization. It was what I always wanted to do.
I was faced with the choice of aborting or keeping the baby. Dh left the choice to me, as he was also not prepared. Financially, he was a big fat zero having just finished his postgrad. When I saw the scan showing ds's heartbeat, I knew I would keep him. Even though it never crossed my mind that I would become a mother before this, I knew right away that I would be a stay home mum.
I informed dh of my decision, and he just said ok to everything. Of course there were difficult times when I think what would be if I had chosen differently, but I always knew clearly that if I had done so, i would always doubt myself. So essentially this is the correct choice for me, a path of no regrets.
And of course, kids don't remember well. I know that as an adult, they will not remember all the things I have done for them when they were little babies, the hours I spent taking them out to play, doing dough craft with them, reading with them etc. I understood at that point that these memories are for ME to cherish. Their every milestone, their funny words and riddles, their moments of epiphanies. They will not remember. So actually I am doing it for myself.
I also find fulfillments in other things to preserve my adult identity. I do actively sit down and make plans and follow through. In this way, I check my direction at least once a year. -
insider:
the 'net net' will not be so much of a difference over the long term whether you stay at home or you work as far as children are concerned
However, you yourself may have gained coz you enjoyed those moments with them.ammonite:
these memories are for ME to cherish. Their every milestone, their funny words and riddles, their moments of epiphanies. They will not remember. So actually I am doing it for myself.
This is indeed true. My dh teased me for being 自high, I was super elated when dd2 was born because this time round I wouldn't miss any of my baby's 1st milestones. I practically cuddled her throughout her waking moments, I really enjoyed carrying her :rotflmao:
One tiny bit of regret is I probably should have tried for a 3rd child (babies are soooo cute!!). Now I'm too old already la.
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