桃花谈
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ammonite:
I second what ammonite has said although I am not very sure what she meant in some parts of her post. Very often, we only remember what we have given and hardly remember what we have gained. If one have been following this thread, one would read about my little one and the bits about how he had touched and led/taught me, despite being so little. I want to be a good mother to him (and any more children if I can have) not just because he is my son. But because of what he has done/brought for me. as I look back my life thus far, raising him is the greatest achievement I have made. While I saw my father shed tears of joy when he witnessed certain of my life milestones, I think the thing that make him beaming with the most pride was seeing me with my son in my arms.
Obviously not insider, but just wanna share my personal take on this because you got me thinking. For me, it boils down to self knowledge and self awareness. If you know yourself well, it will not be a sacrifice but a clear choice forward.vinegar:
为别人，掏尽了自己，值得吗？？can i chk with u,i am trying to relate this.Is that mean we shld not sacrifice our happiness bcoz of our parents or children?i always wonder...to what extend,we could sacrifice without losing ourselves.
My first child was unexpected and he changed my entire direction. I had a very good chance of winning a postgrad scholarship at an Ivy league university and had plans to work overseas subsequently in an international organization. It was what I always wanted to do.
I was faced with the choice of aborting or keeping the baby. Dh left the choice to me, as he was also not prepared. Financially, he was a big fat zero having just finished his postgrad. When I saw the scan showing ds's heartbeat, I knew I would keep him. Even though it never crossed my mind that I would become a mother before this, I knew right away that I would be a stay home mum.
I informed dh of my decision, and he just said ok to everything. Of course there were difficult times when I think what would be if I had chosen differently, but I always knew clearly that if I had done so, i would always doubt myself. So essentially this is the correct choice for me, a path of no regrets.
And of course, kids don't remember well. I know that as an adult, they will not remember all the things I have done for them when they were little babies, the hours I spent taking them out to play, doing dough craft with them, reading with them etc. I understood at that point that these memories are for ME to cherish. Their every milestone, their funny words and riddles, their moments of epiphanies. They will not remember. So actually I am doing it for myself.
I also find fulfillments in other things to preserve my adult identity. I do actively sit down and make plans and follow through. In this way, I check my direction at least once a year.
While I am not sure if I have the ‘self knowledge and awareness’ mentioned by ammonite, I have come to accept that I need to choose and I have chosen my son over career. while I am quite sure of a bright career path ahead of me if I had chosen to press on at the expense of my family, I am not sure if it would be equally/more satisfying than this route that I have chosen. In any case, there is no turning back and so I may as well do my best with the situation. Even if there is a chance to wound the clock back, I am likely to stick to the same decision.
To witness our children’s growing up is priceless. To be able to play an important role in a child’s life is a privilege. -
In everything we have decided to do, we shall attempt to do it 无怨无悔.
I think the most difficult thing is not to expect any returns. This is very difficult coz one is likely to expect ‘returns’ when she has ‘sacrificed’ and given up some parts of herself along the way.
Whether SAHM or FTWM is really not much of a difference as long as one can take either role on willingly, knowing that you gain some, you lose some…
My sis’ disappointment in life lies mainly on her hard efforts don’t seem to pay off, like have raised three kids so painstakingly and like have spent all her cells working for her family but then at the end all at home don’t seem to be appreciative of her blood and sweat. There comes the hollowness (perhaps similar to a kid who may work so hard for an exam but at the end didn’t get a satisfactory score and start to wonder why had to work so hard in the first place).
Children to me are my kids but also not my kids per se.
To me, I am sort of raising human begin for the society instead of for myself. While I have an attachment with them, I also have sort of an ‘de-attachment’ with them coz I know they have their own paths to walk and the sooner they can be on their own, the sooner it is satisfying for me. In that sense, each of us lives our own lives, be responsible on own to search for our own unique happiness…
To give and then to expect returns = likely to have disappointment…
PS:
My daughter knows about my idea to 出家 when the time is right. Initially she was not receptive. But now, she accepts coz she knows that path is something that I want and whatever that can make me happy she will give her blessings regardless of how much she still wants to call me ‘Mummy’… -
hi insider,
Your 要做不要怨, 要怨不要做 is to me like 一觉惊醒梦中人. I enjoy keeping the house clean and it really bothers me to have 3 boys (the adult one included) not share the same idea. At times I did blow up and then you will see 3 boy mice scuttling to undo whatever damage they did. will keep this as my 座右铭.
On the idea of karma catching up with one, share experience. Long time ago, my car was damaged by unknown vehicle in the carpark late at night. Fortunately, damage was only couple of hundred dollars but it still stung (I was parked properly). Fast forward to years down the road. My dad’s vehicle was banged by another car…and that owner happened to stay in my block (talk about coincidence). The owner wanted to settle it out of insurance (minor only). I think his wife was trying to settle for lesser payment (FYI, my dad didn’t make any money out of it, only asked for what’s necessary to cover the repairs). She then told me that she actually saw the vehicle that crashed into my car…and then went all mysterious and refused to say which unit it was.
by that time, the sting of having to bear another person’s fault was over and since the wife didn’t want to share further, I left it as that. Just thought to myself this IS karma indeed. She knew and she didn’t tell (she could have anonymously left a note) - and she HAD to tell me only much later. -
好一个无怨无悔。
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hquek:
Glad to read this. A few years back, I lang gar my husband’s car in a car park. Yup, car park (so pai she, where got people lang gar in car park, at 20km/h some more!). I was trying to pick up my son’s balloon, lost sight of what’s in front, steer too much to the right and BANG into another car parked nearby. I panicked, not knowing what to do. There was an obvious option – to run away of course. I surveyed the surrounding to make sure there was no witness and no security camera. Guess what I did?hi insider,
On the idea of karma catching up with one, share experience. Long time ago, my car was damaged by unknown vehicle in the carpark late at night. Fortunately, damage was only couple of hundred dollars but it still stung (I was parked properly). Fast forward to years down the road. My dad's vehicle was banged by another car....and that owner happened to stay in my block (talk about coincidence). The owner wanted to settle it out of insurance (minor only). I think his wife was trying to settle for lesser payment (FYI, my dad didn't make any money out of it, only asked for what's necessary to cover the repairs). She then told me that she actually saw the vehicle that crashed into my car...and then went all mysterious and refused to say which unit it was.
by that time, the sting of having to bear another person's fault was over and since the wife didn't want to share further, I left it as that. Just thought to myself this IS karma indeed. She knew and she didn't tell (she could have anonymously left a note) - and she HAD to tell me only much later. -
Hi Insider,
Thanks very much for your sharings thru your life experiences. I have never thought of the good and bad seeds in us until I came across this thread. Ever since I followed your thread, I have tried to control my temper and expectations of my son.
If you don't mind, I would like to know in terms of your kids upbringing, did your husband and you share the same Philosophy ? For example, most mothers would tend to be more uptight over our kids academic performance compared to the fathers who tend to be on the easy side.
In what way did your husband help to nurture your kids to where they are today ?
I am really curious a lady like you (a capable & sensible wife & mother) what more does your husband need to contribute to the kids (not referring to financial part) ?
In our family, me & my husband will take turn to go thru son's homework. Actually I will check most of it because i am more Kiasu. At times, if I am busy or taking a nap, then husband will auto go thru his tuition/school homework. My husband is very hands on since the birth of our boy. He will go marketing every Sunday and come home to make porridge for him when his is still a baby/toddler (that time I know nuts about cooking) despite we have a maid. He knows how to bath and change diaper too. Very different from my other friends husband who simply do nothing to help. My husband is also a filial son to his and my parents.
My parents like him very much till today after into our 9 years of marriage. He is not the proud type despite earning five figures and driving a luxury car. We are now staying comfortably in a private condo and I just became a SAHM last year.
He is comfortable with my decision and every month he would transfer few thousand dollars (equivalent to my last salary) for my allowance. He pays for everything at home.
I am very blessed to be married to him
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My turn to hand up some homework. Basic background, am a FTWM with 3 kids, staying with mil who helps take care of DD3 while DS1 n DS2 are at full day childcare centre. Hubby’s parent divorce when he was in his teens. My parents are simple traditional people, mum SAHM while dad toil to support the family, now both happily retire.
Hubby has career luck, he has a promotion every 2-3 years and earns big bonus, but the money he earns is not able to cover his big spending habit. He will give treats to friends, colleagues, sometimes help to pay for things but might or might not get the money back, he will bring the family out for makan, buy toys for the kids, always lost control of his spending and end up with huge credit card bills which we are still struggling to settle, basically, his whole salary goes to paying the debts, that leaves me to support the family expenses. He surrendered his financial affairs to me cos he can’t handle it, so every month I’ll take his whole salary and stress myself up on how to divide the money, which bill to pay 1st……
I was brought up in a traditional family, I always wanted to be like my mum, bring up my kids myself, my way, but due to hubby’s financial problem, I’m not able to do so and this makes me unhappy, I will get angry with little things like baby not sleeping at night (cos I’m tired and need to get up early for work the nxt day); get agitated at the slightest issue and always shouting and screaming at the older kids. I realise that I’ve created a vicious circle when I saw my DS1 shouting and screaming at DS2……
After reading your thread, I tried to tame my temper and the whole atmosphere in the house changed, kids are happier, I take a step back and re-position my mindset, if cannot change the situation, accept it, I become a calmer person.
I’m blessed as I always able to 心想事成, eg, passing an exam, being together with my then bf now hubby and a little girl to complete the family. I find that when I sincerely wish for something, usually I will get it, that is also why when I have bad thoughts, I will quickly brush them off my mind, scare that it will become true.
Was talking to someone the other day and he asked me, where/what will I see myself 5-10 years down the road? Better or worse? I answered better and happier. Somehow something or someone just drop this thinking into my head – have to believe that life will be better, than it will get better. -
Hi insider,
Just want to tell you that I’ve printed out a chart for myself with 7 boxes (as a start). Then I’ll chop on each it each day when I do not shout at my kids.
Wish me luck!!! -
blessedwife,
u r a very lucky woman! -
Giggler1:
Insider,Hi insider,
Just want to tell you that I've printed out a chart for myself with 7 boxes (as a start). Then I'll chop on each it each day when I do not shout at my kids.
Wish me luck!!!
I did the same too...but lazier than Giggler. I just manually record it in the notebook....
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