桃花谈
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Unfortunately, even if the decision to let the patient go is in the interest of the patient, to lessen his/her suffering or to allow the patient to go in a dignified manner, we could be saddled by whispers and gossips of relatives who think that we did it out of convenience for ourselves. And we ourselves would be wondering if we had really done enough for the patient. It is really a very difficult decision to make to let someone close go, especially if the person is already in a coma.
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When my late dad was battling cancer, we were keen to try any possible therapy that we could afford.the social worker however , told us that instead of focusing on trying these methodsp to prolong his life (meaning confirm terminal stage already) , we should stop experimenting and learn to accept, help him accept and try to live a quality last stage of his life together . Trying to delay the inevitable at the expense of the sick’s welfare may be a selfish act by the family members (who are not prepared to live with the loss) who must understand that for every living minute, the patient is suffering.
Personally, I was quite mad at her suggestion. But on hindsight, it was not without reason. But there will alwaysa a nagging thoughof did we do enough to source for a miracle. -
My friend was hoping to get an ‘opinion’ from me but I was ‘clever’ enough to give by not giving…
I used to understand from the Master of my friend (that rich builder man whom I mentioned earlier who works like a 驴子转磨) that it is a sin to end one’s parent’s life even that was done with good intention. That if one were to do so, will incur many bad seeds (and therefore my friend was advised to do chanting to soften any bad impact incurred by him from such bad seeds when he instructed the doc to stop further efforts in saving his late dad). Friend told me must get parent’s permission well before such kind of decision is needed in case this decision ever need to be 'applied' one day.
I never give my friend any direct answer (I am concerned about 'sinning' coz her mum never gives any permission) but refer her to watch the below clip, telling her maybe she can have a clearer picture on what to decide after watching it. (This Master talks about it is only right to let someone go if it is necessary. He never mentions about permission and sin, etc, in this clip, and so what we listen may only be a small part of the whole process.)
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrpYPBA7zHM][/youtube]
So as in reading any information that seems conflicting, I need to digest and form an opinion of my own. My thought is such that have to let that person, whether that person is my parent or my spouse or my kid, go, but ideally I have to get that person’s permission first.
I imagine myself one day falls into critical condition, then instead of letting me go, my family instructs the doc to rescue me at all cost. Then the medical team sends me to the ICU, then start to strip me and start to do whatever they want on my body. At that critical moment, maybe my sub conscious mind may still be working; maybe I am preparing to go by doing my peaceful last minute chanting. But all these ICU havoc may disrupt my last minute peacefulness and I may end up dying in the op theatre, naked with open wounds, confused and painful with no peace at all at my final moment. I might have died alone without any close ones with me (Buddhists believe after death, the soul can still linger on for a few hours).
In a nutshell, I want to go as peacefully as I can, amid maybe huge pain, without unnecessary ‘commotion’.
Even if I can be rescused, the ‘me’ after being rescued is likely to be a ‘half dead’ person (taken that the condition is critical to begin with). So why don’t I choose to die ‘happier’ than to live as a ‘half dead’ person?
I told my family that I am not afraid of death and accept it as a cycle of life. That if anyone in my family dies, it is just that the one has completed this life’s mission and he / she has to continue with the next. I specifically share with my daughter that mum thinks I have a high chance to reincarnate well in my next life and so if anything ever happens to me, ‘congratulate’ me instead of feeling sad. If she is feeling painful, then chant for me (if she turns to be a Christian later, then just pray for me). Do nothing but chanting coz that’s the only thing that can help a dying person.
I always encourage my kiddos to live to their lives’ fullest. That must always work and enjoy life (my ‘theory’ of get 70 marks can oredi and the efforts needed to achieve the next 30 marks should be spent in playing). I tend to believe at that particular last moment of 回光返照，one’s brain will ‘screen’ the snap shots of all major good and bad events of his/her life for the last time. This fast motion ‘movie’ played ideally should be full of fun, compassion, kindness, etc instead of mostly suffering, hatred, grievances, complaints, regrets, etc. Then, that’s a life that I would term worth living…
PS:
I used my friend’s story to get my mum’s permission ‘cunningly’.
I related to her my friend’s predicament (my mum knows all my close friends quite well since they were around 14). I asked her what my friend should do.
My mum replied already 86, should let her go and don’t her into longer torture. Sort of ‘automatically’, she also gave her ‘instructions’ of what to do if she were to be ever in such situation. She said don’t save, be beside her, and allow her to go. She then later shared the instructions with my second sis (who talks to her everyday). So, in a sense, we have her permission to ‘end her life’ if one day the situation requires us to do so, without the probable ‘sin’ that may have to be incurred for doing this bad deed with a good intention.
I think it is 'clever' of my mum to share her instructions with my second sis too coz this will prevent any probable future 'disputes' among her 6 children coz at critical moment, some may say to save and some may say don't save then unnecessary quarrels when quarrels among siblings are what hurt my mum the most...
So now, we have obtained our mum's 圣旨! Hooray! -
insider:
:thankyou: for sharing thisMy friend was hoping to get an ‘opinion’ from me but I was ‘clever’ enough to give by not giving…
I used to understand from the Master of my friend (that rich builder man whom I mentioned earlier who works like a 驴子转磨) that it is a sin to end one’s parent’s life even that was done with good intention. That if one were to do so, will incur many bad seeds (and therefore my friend was advised to do chanting to soften any bad impact incurred by him from such bad seeds when he instructed the doc to stop further efforts in saving his late dad). Friend told me must get parent’s permission well before such kind of decision is needed in case this decision ever need to be 'applied' one day.
I never give my friend any direct answer (I am concerned about 'sinning' coz her mum never gives any permission) but refer her to watch the below clip, telling her maybe she can have a clearer picture on what to decide after watching it. (This Master talks about it is only right to let someone go if it is necessary. He never mentions about permission and sin, etc, in this clip, and so what we listen may only be a small part of the whole process.)
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrpYPBA7zHM][/youtube]
So as in reading any information that seems conflicting, I need to digest and form an opinion of my own. My thought is such that have to let that person, whether that person is my parent or my spouse or my kid, go, but ideally I have to get that person’s permission first.
I imagine myself one day falls into critical condition, then instead of letting me go, my family instructs the doc to rescue me at all cost. Then the medical team sends me to the ICU, then start to strip me and start to do whatever they want on my body. At that critical moment, maybe my sub conscious mind may still be working; maybe I am preparing to go by doing my peaceful last minute chanting. But all these ICU havoc may disrupt my last minute peacefulness and I may end up dying in the op theatre, naked with open wounds, confused and painful with no peace at all at my final moment. I might have died alone without any close ones with me (Buddhists believe after death, the soul can still linger on for a few hours).
In a nutshell, I want to go as peacefully as I can, amid maybe huge pain, without unnecessary ‘commotion’.
Even if I can be rescused, the ‘me’ after being rescued is likely to be a ‘half dead’ person (taken that the condition is critical to begin with). So why don’t I choose to die ‘happier’ than to live as a ‘half dead’ person?
I told my family that I am not afraid of death and accept it as a cycle of life. That if anyone in my family dies, it is just that the one has completed this life’s mission and he / she has to continue with the next. I specifically share with my daughter that mum thinks I have a high chance to reincarnate well in my next life and so if anything ever happens to me, ‘congratulate’ me instead of feeling sad. If she is feeling painful, then chant for me (if she turns to be a Christian later, then just pray for me). Do nothing but chanting coz that’s the only thing that can help a dying person.
I always encourage my kiddos to live to their lives’ fullest. That must always work and enjoy life (my ‘theory’ of get 70 marks can oredi and the efforts needed to achieve the next 30 marks should be spent in playing). I tend to believe at that particular last moment of 回光返照，one’s brain will ‘screen’ the snap shots of all major good and bad events of his/her life for the last time. This fast motion ‘movie’ played ideally should be full of fun, compassion, kindness, etc instead of mostly suffering, hatred, grievances, complaints, regrets, etc. Then, that’s a life that I would term worth living…
PS:
I used my friend’s story to get my mum’s permission ‘cunningly’.
I related to her my friend’s predicament (my mum knows all my close friends quite well since they were around 14). I asked her what my friend should do.
My mum replied already 86, should let her go and don’t her into longer torture. Sort of ‘automatically’, she also gave her ‘instructions’ of what to do if she were to be ever in such situation. She said don’t save, be beside her, and allow her to go. She then later shared the instructions with my second sis (who talks to her everyday). So, in a sense, we have her permission to ‘end her life’ if one day the situation requires us to do so, without the probable ‘sin’ that may have to be incurred for doing this bad deed with a good intention.
I think it is 'clever' of my mum to share her instructions with my second sis too coz this will prevent any probable future 'disputes' among her 6 children coz at critical moment, some may say to save and some may say don't save then unnecessary quarrels when quarrels among siblings are what hurt my mum the most...
So now, we have obtained our mum's 圣旨! Hooray! -
Laura02:
Now we have just admitted my MIL into hospital. She has been getting weaker over the years and her dementia has been getting worse. She has a fever of 37.5oC and has been constipated for 4 days. The doctors said that they will do their best, but given her already frail condition, to prepare for the worse. They also asked if we wanted them to resuscitate her if her condition deteriorated.
My MIL is back with us
I'm glad.
My mom used to say that if I felt that something bad was about to happen, I should tell other people of my \"feelings\" and the bad wouldn't occur. I don't know how much of this is psychological, or just :xedfingers: -
Laura02:
Very happy to hear about your mil's recovery, Laura :snuggles:Laura02:
Now we have just admitted my MIL into hospital. She has been getting weaker over the years and her dementia has been getting worse. She has a fever of 37.5oC and has been constipated for 4 days. The doctors said that they will do their best, but given her already frail condition, to prepare for the worse. They also asked if we wanted them to resuscitate her if her condition deteriorated.
My MIL is back with us
I'm glad.
My mom used to say that if I felt that something bad was about to happen, I should tell other people of my \"feelings\" and the bad wouldn't occur. I don't know how much of this is psychological, or just :xedfingers:
Separately on \"voicing out when one has a bad feeling about something\" - I don't really do it. Except for my parents, I hardly feel comfortable telling anyone if I hv a bad feeling that something is going to happen. Some people may just blame me if my \"prediction come true\".
But strangely, I also have this sixth sense at times. -
Laura02:
My late grandma used to tell us the same thing too. If we had a premonition or bad dream, we should tell someone. Then the bad thing would be less powerful or go away.Laura02:
Now we have just admitted my MIL into hospital. She has been getting weaker over the years and her dementia has been getting worse. She has a fever of 37.5oC and has been constipated for 4 days. The doctors said that they will do their best, but given her already frail condition, to prepare for the worse. They also asked if we wanted them to resuscitate her if her condition deteriorated.
My MIL is back with us
I'm glad.
My mom used to say that if I felt that something bad was about to happen, I should tell other people of my \"feelings\" and the bad wouldn't occur. I don't know how much of this is psychological, or just :xedfingers: -
jedamum:
Yup. I feel the same way too ... for me, there are many \"what ifs\" & self blame ... :sad:When my late dad was battling cancer, we were keen to try any possible therapy that we could afford.the social worker however , told us that instead of focusing on trying these methodsp to prolong his life (meaning confirm terminal stage already) , we should stop experimenting and learn to accept, help him accept and try to live a quality last stage of his life together . Trying to delay the inevitable at the expense of the sick's welfare may be a selfish act by the family members (who are not prepared to live with the loss) who must understand that for every living minute, the patient is suffering.
Personally, I was quite mad at her suggestion. But on hindsight, it was not without reason. But there will alwaysa a nagging thoughof did we do enough to source for a miracle. -
The ‘case’ with mum’s permission to share (pls allow me to comment and don’t add on first):
Mum had several suitors during her tertiary years and had sex with almost every one of them; sometimes could ‘two-time’ at same time, using one to spite another other whom she had more feelings.
She married one these suitors and gave birth to three kids. He knew about her past but appeared accepting her for who she was. During serious courtship time, she strayed once and was discovered by her husband-to-be who forgave and eventually they got married.
She gave birth to her first child who is well liked by her in laws. However, she couldn’t get along with her in laws and quarrels broke out frequently between herself and her husband due to these in laws.
She gave birth to her second and third children. Somehow, her in laws do not like these two kids and showed their dislike obviously that she feels is hurting them. During quarrels, she was hit several times in separate occasions by her husband, who after hitting her agreed to mend his way. She was hurt and confused and considering a divorce.
During her ‘down’ time, she discovered her husband ‘porning’. She is someone with high sexual drive but the husband cannot satisfy (or rather, so far, she yet to find a man who can satisfy her). She yearns for good sexual pleasure and began reminiscing one of her suitors, Mr B, who was one of her favourite boyfriends then.
Out of the blue when she was thinking of this Mr B, he came looking for her after about 20 years of not seeing each other. They met and rekindled the old flame.
She confessed to her husband, wanted a divorce and husband refused. Still having some ‘sense’ with her, she cut her ties with Mr B but she can never really be the same person again, 朝思暮想 about Mr B, about her incomplete life, about regrets, etc.
She loves her 3 kiddos. At now around 40+ and financially independent, she is just so lost and questioning herself, “What am I?”
PS: Somehow, I have a friend who resembles the above. She is the 校花 of my sec school, like swamped with boys, young men, middle age men, old men, lesbians, etc, throughout her growing up years and she also struggled a lot during those years. Two years ago I just attended her daughter’s 21st birthday and was glad to see that she really 靠岸 oredi. Probably will use this girl as part of my comments later.
PS2: Recently a bit busy. So please wait for next writing… (this case is a typical 桃花 case…) -
Mummy,
Stay away from Mr B.
Stay away from all men at the moment.
Try to salvage your marriage for the last time and if your husband ever raises his hand to hit you just one more time, file for divorce and get out with your children.
I support your divorce if your husband hit you but I would never support it if you are leaving coz of Mr B whom I assessed can be a worst person than your husband if you really goes with him in the future.
Your own parents cant get along well and mum had an extra marital affair in the past and your dad knows about it. EMA cannot be justified under any circumstances and so you may want to dig deep in yourself how your mum’s EMA has affected you to perhaps having a ‘bo chup’ attitude towards EMAs and sex. I feel this is one of the main knots in you that you still fail to untie. Much as you do not want to be ‘loose’ but you have been quite loose since young. This ‘looseness’ can be partly due to your internal hollowness in your own family who was in constant fighting, resulting in your sub-conscious desire to find someone who can protect you (and thereby, your multi-relationships during your school years which unfortunately was coupled with multi-sexual relationships).
Perhaps you know that your mum’s 桃花 rubbed on you and ‘lightened’ up those 烂桃花 stars above you, with most men whom you met were more interested in sex than in love. I am thinking about you sharing with your mum about your intention of EMA and hear what she has to tell you (whether she will confide in you her own experience, whether she feels sorry towards your dad, and whether she will take better care of your dad for being so nice to keep quiet even though he knows about her affairs).
This 桃花 light seems to originate from your mum and therefore I hope you can find ‘solution’ with / from her. If this ‘light’ cannot be deemed, then you know who will be affected (your spouse and your kids).
Up to now this moment, you still cannot feel secure and grounded and therefore your 朝思暮想 of Mr B. To be honest, Mr B is NOTHING base on your description so far. He is a 烂桃花 and can be a super 烂 one if you choose to see him again. Heed my advice to nail a guiding principal into your brain, ‘DON’T EVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN”. Please don’t find troubles and let this 孽缘 pass. STOP thinking about him else he can hear your ‘invisible calling’ (the way that you thinking of him and he appeared quite right away to ‘catch up’ with you.)
You are very right to acknowledge that you are the cause of everything. The power of 心想事成 can really be scary. You are in quite deep 无明 stage that you could even consider a man such as Mr B.
Your husband, overall, I tend to assess that he is quite a nice man whom you seem to have taken him for granted. Despite your past affairs, he has been accommodating and forgiving. However, you have to also bear this in mind that a man is likely to hold some grudges in his heart no matter how forgiving he is, esp you strayed one time after another. While you sought and obtained his acceptance, you cannot really expect him to be as ‘normal’ as other men who have never been through betrayal. That’s why he letting go of his suppressed anger and hit you at times coz he is just a human afterall.
While I can empathise with your husband’s suppressed anger, I cannot accept him to hit you time and again, esp you have children around and it is very very bad if they ever know that their dad hit their mum (a lot of scarring /bad seeds can happen if they ever witness this).
You said you love your kids and I sincerely believe you mean what you said. So, stop 胡思乱想 about sex, about Mr B, about any other man. Focus in building a good relationship with your husband. Make your 心想as to be with him for the rest of your life, and then this may rub on him to respond more positively towards you to achieve the 事成. If you really cannot work out with him, then consider a divorce. But after divorce, you try to abstain from any man for a minimum period of two years coz if you jump into any relationship too soon, the outcome is likely to be another regret.
Remember you have to be responsible towards your kids. If you can’t ‘behave’, unlikely they will be able to ‘behave’ and the cruelty of vicious cycle will always repeat itself to taunt you, and forever, you may not be able to find peace.
I update a recent story that I shared earlier, about my friend’s brother got involved with a China woman who bore him a two year old child. Few days ago, this brother officially brought up divorce with the wife and informed his parents his decision. His parents objected the divorce. He tried to explain to them how nice and how nice this woman is and that he no longer loves his wife. I saw the woman’s picture and she looks literally like a slut (men will die for her kind). But in this brother’s eyes, she is THE ONE and he will 抛 his well-educated 妻 and 弃 that innocent 女 for her. It is so so so clear in EVERYONE’s eyes that he is making the wrong move but he BELIEVES that he is right.
So, don’t be like this brother in such kind of helpless 无明. When you can’t think well, just hold this guiding principle with you, “DON’T TALK TO MR B AGAIN” while in the meantime, sort out your life with your husband (whom actually I think deserve you to treat him better).
You mentioned about having 师父 around you. Then maybe you can ask them for something to wear to dim your 桃花 stars coz if you don’t dim, then you may get into this kind of 无明 struggles again and again (all these men appear coz of your ‘calling’ and so you have to stop ‘calling’ them!). You know it is very torturous (coz of your 多愁善感 or 感情丰富） and you may also know that one day your child may follow your footsteps.
So, be the Leader and break the vicious cycle (base on your narration of your childhood, you are a woman of strength and actually with wisdom too; just that your 桃花 stars are simply too bright that obstructed your vision. I sympathize with your sister coz she attracted the super 烂桃花. If this 桃花 light cannot be dimmed, your sons may turn up to be molesters themselves coz they will get the ‘light’ from you. So, it is something that you really have to 修 in order to ‘save’ them. No kidding…)
PS: About your in laws prefer your eldest child and ‘dislike’ the younger ones, you may not want to take it too personally. Sometimes 缘分浅, then relationships become like this. 缘分 cannot be forced and 无缘 means 无缘。莫强求, accept it and usually once you accept, things tend to get better.
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