In-law problems?

[pineapple tarts]

"Jia You" minnie2004, may buddha bless u.

[minnie2004]

Things were not right even before I got married. My parents invited my then future MIL to our renion dinner on CNY eve. It was a tradition for my parents to cook a big dinner on that day, usually with over 10 dishes. Its not a simply task and it took them a whole day to prepare. And yet after the dinner, instead of showing any appreciation, she complained to his son, i.e. my then boyfriend that our kitchen was too small and the dishes were too cold! I was so mad :x


A few years back when she had an open-heart surgery, we flew all the way to the U.S. to visit her with our 9-month old DD. I helped take care of her, cooked bird's nest for her even though I've never done it for myself. She took it all for granted as if I owed her something. Once I made a comment that her house was very dirty when doing cleaning for her. She heard it and became extremely offended, saying \"who's going to clean the house while I'm sick\". I became a scapegoat for her being sick and left living alone. She even said to DH behind my back, which i overheard, that \"this woman has no \"jiao yang\" (not well-brought-up)\" for not washing the dishes as I was too busy tending my baby, who's crawling around all day in a non child-proved house. In the meantime, her own \"well-brought-up\" sons were watching tv and chitchating. Eventaully we were even kicked out of the house and had to move to a hotel.

Below are some hightlight of what she said to me:
1. \"If I died tonight, I will become a ghost to catch you”
2. “Who asked you to come here? Even brought the baby. How can you take care of me with the baby here?”
3. “I can’t go to sleep with the baby crying like that”
4. \"You have done nothing for me” even after I helped her cleaned up her place, cooked her bird's nest etc.
5. “The helper (part-time) was hired to serve me, not you guys”
6. “Get out! I need to rest”, when I asked her how she was feeling.

Looking back, I don't know if i shud laugh or cry. I tried to forgive her as she just went thru a major surgery at the time but she has been mean to me ever since.

Sorry to bore you with my long post. Once I started I just couldn't stop :rant:

[tree nymph]

minnie2004,

no, not long post.

yah, i think she is quite unreasonable. Aren't you glad that you are far far away from her?

[minnie2004]

I'm already considered lucky compared to some of you who live with your MILs. It's unimaginable for me! DH is planning a vacation to U.S. this summer to visit MIL. I already told him I won't stay in her house (who would be stupid enough to return to a host who's kicked you out before?). I'll just join part of the trip and come back early myself. Although I'll be worried about my kids but I have no choice.

[auntieM]

Hi minnie2004,

You mean you will be leaving kids behind wth hubby and MIL whle you head back early?
Are your hubby aware of her ‘hostile’ attitude towards you?
Your MIL reminds me of the show ‘The Joy Luck Club’
Must have been really difficult for you.

[minnie2004]

Dear auntieM,

Yes that’s what I intend to do since there’s no way that me and MIL can live under one roof. My DH is well aware of her hostility towards me that’s why he can’t really say no. I think his mom also doesn’t want me in her house anyway.

He always thinks I’m over-reacting but the problem is he can’t fully get the hidden meaning of some of MIL’s sarcastic remarks in mandarin. He always says it’s no bid deal because he simply doesn’t get it! He knows his mom was being unreasonable most of the time but she is afterall his mom.

[Andaiz]

minnie2004:

He always thinks I'm over-reacting but the problem is he can't fully get the hidden meaning of some of MIL's sarcastic remarks in mandarin. He always says it's no bid deal because he simply doesn't get it! He knows his mom was being unreasonable most of the time but she is afterall his mom.

minnie2004, I totally feel for you, and am very encouraged by your strength :snuggles: . You are right on both these counts lah (highlighted in brown) !

Sometimes, DH's would have built up their defence mechanism over the years - not because of language issues but because it is easier to cope :roll: and live day-to-day by blocking these hurtful words out.

What they don't let affect them=doesn't affect them, and when it doesn't affect them=it does not matter. (although sometimes I think it becomes repressed medical symptoms, but that's another story).

Thanks too for acknowledging that she's afterall his mother...and therefore you respect her enough to not say \"no\" to DH and the kids staying over at her place this hols. :celebrate: must be a painful decision! :love:. Kudos to you indeed!

[shine_fs]

Hi all


I love to read this topic cos most of us have the same 遭遇.

:celebrate:

[rugrats_pat]

Hi Ladies, it took me almost 2 weeks to finish reading this thread right from the start. I could really relate to this thread!


Though my story is not as enduring as buds and tree nymph, I too had my share of woe.

As a starter, this is something I want to share... How to go about POISONING your mother in law

Poison your Mother-in-law.... with......
A long time ago, a girl named Li-Li got married and went to live with her husband and mother-in-law.In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn't get along with her mother-in-law at all.

Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law's habits. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.

Days passed days, and weeks passed weeks. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting. But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish.

All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing the poor husband great distress.
Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-law's bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it.

Li-Li went to see her father's good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs. She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all. Mr. Huang thought for a while, and finally said, Li-Li, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you. Li-Li said, \"Yes, Mr. Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do.\"

Mr.Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs.

He told Li-Li, \"You can't use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious. Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body.
Every other day prepare some delicious meal and put a little of these herbs in her serving. Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspects you when she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. Don't argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen.\"

Li-Li was so happy. She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law.
Weeks went by, and months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr.Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper,obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother. After six months had passed, the whole household had changed.
Li-Li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset. She hadn't had an argument in six months with her mother-in-law, who now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with.

The mother-in-law's attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in-law one could ever find. Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter.

Li-Li's husband was very happy to see what was happening.

One day, Li-Li came to see Mr. Huang and asked for his help again. She said, \"Dear Mr. Huang, please help me to keep the poison from killing my mother-in-law! She's changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not want her to die because of the poison I gave her.\"

Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head. \"Li-Li, there's nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. The herbs I gave you were vitimans to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her.\"

MORAL: Friends, have you ever realized that how you treat others is exactly how they will treat you? In China it is said: The person who loves others will also be loved.

[rugrats_pat]

And so of course in our real world, “The person who loves others will also be loved” doesn’t really quite work this way.