how to improve wife and my parents relationship

[atrecord]

It’s quite a tough situation to be in, although I do not mean to rub it in.


There is no shortage of DIL–MIL problems, and it’s so difficult for the husband/son to be stuck in between.

In this case, if it is based purely on what is said, then the wife/DIL comes across as very unreasonable. But there could of course be a reason behind it, so it’s impt to find out about that.

While a wife and a mother are 2 different parts of a man, and these should be viewed separately and not mixed together, it might not be so straightforward for everyone.

If a son is very filial and close to the parents, it would not be easy to accept that his wife is so disrespectful to his parents. A friend of mine also once told me that he might consider divorcing as the misunderstanding between his wife and his mother was so bad that her wife would not visit the PILs place during CNY, etc… This is different if the in-laws treat the wife badly and the husband understands it and agrees with the wife.

The only way out is to find out what inherent problem there exists, and try to solve it. Even if a solution is not found, at least understanding the problem will help improve the situation. As it is, it’s a case of the wife being so unreasonable beyond comprehension. Not healthy…

[janet88]

Hi w_y_chung,

I urge you to find out the cause of this unhappiness. There must be a reason for this.

[w_y_chung]

dolphinsiah:

Good moring Chung,


After reading what you have written....I can imagine what you are going through.... :stupid:
especially now you have a child...
But it seems that your story is not complete...leh...
why does your spouse behave like that towards your parents...
Was there any misunderstanding between them... :?
Or you did something very wrong...like have an affair....
and now she is holding everything against you....

So what is the other side of the story....just KPO a bit :roll:

Hi Dolphinsiah,

It really beats me how she developed this idea towards my parents.
She avoided to meet them even before meeting them for the first time. At that time I thought it could be due to i) we are not steady enough yet, or ii) she is very shy.

No I didn't have an affair. Even so she should avoid me not my parents I suppose, and more likely take the chance to complain to my parents!

Yes this is purely my side of the story.
I wish I know what's on her mind...
any idea on how to extract info this from her?

[markfch]

deleted

[w_y_chung]

qms:

Could thread starter have married the wife, thinking that she would change? :scratchhead:

Well, I thought over time she'll feel more comfy to talk to my folks.
Apparently I was too optimistic. Now I can only :?

[w_y_chung]

3Boys:

Ask her, how would she feel if her future children-in-law basically cold-shouldered her?


Don't reconsider this marriage on account of this, but nonetheless, don't allow her to use that posture to bully and intimidate you, and stop you from confronting the issue.

Good idea, I pose her the question. I was thinking I use myself vs her parents but I was afraid she takes it as a threat / revenge from me. Future children-in-law is neutral.

Actually what shocked me was that her frequent use of 'reconsider marriage' (she did not say divorce). Makes me wonder how much confidence / respect she has on a marriage at times. But then, maybe just because she is angry at that moment and not choosing her words carefully.

[w_y_chung]

MMM:

I only have 1 comment.


As potential MIL one day, I hope that we don't lose our son the moment he is married.

haha. Even though my daughter is not even going to day care, I already thought about how I would behave when she brings home her boyfriend one day. hahahaha :?: maybe I am one of those nitpicking FIL :lol:

[sleepy]

w_y_chung:

qms:

Could thread starter have married the wife, thinking that she would change? :scratchhead:

Well, I thought over time she'll feel more comfy to talk to my folks.
Apparently I was too optimistic. Now I can only :?

Have you asked her directly what's bothering her?

My dh can ask me anything, I will share with him my inner most thoughts. Isn't communication the foundation for a good marriage?

[w_y_chung]

Hi Buds,


Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

buds:

may i just point out that you did play a part in allowing it to deteriorate. I do not think such a blatant form of disrespect should be tolerated from the beginning. It also seems that you've been doing more of the giving in as well by agreeing to her requests and forceful \"village attendances\".

Indeed. I did not know how to handle the situation right from the start.
In fact, I don't blame her for what happens now. Both of us 'worked together' to create this problem...
She might seem forceful on the 'village attendances' but I take it as how intense she values her family i.e. my in-laws.
What I want is to show her I have the same strong feeling towards my 'out-laws'... that's all I want her to know. not punish/blame her. no point. what happened has happened.

buds:

I acknowledge my ILs, i cook, clean the home, take
care of them when they're ill and take them out for makan & window
shopping, buy them stuff... (etc) but i have never been treated nor been
acknowledged as being a part of the family... i've always been treated as
an outsider, the she devil who stole their son away (despite staying with
them all these time.. :() I can empathise how your parents feel in your
instance. Not respected.. avoided.. neglected.. un-acknowledged.. not
important.. an outsider.

*pat on shoulder* you've done a lot and played your part already. It is sad to hear some how your in-laws cannot feel your sincerity and effort in becoming part of the family.

buds:

I can sense that you are trying ways and means to break through to your
spouse and this was one of the ways which may or may not reach your
spouse in the way you hope it to be..

sometimes I thought I can talk to my sister-in-laws better than with my wife. But then, more likely because there is a specific topic (e.g. trip) to talk about.

buds:

It used to start out with
letters during the old days when i was younger... then with sms-es... and
now we do that via emails even. :lol: The idea is never to leave unhappy
stuff left unsaid.. un-acknowledged.. left to dissolve without any closure..
So when we cannot talk, we write. We pen our feelings down.. to be
better understood without a high-pitch exchange of hurtful words.

I think this is where I failed badly. I do not dare to share my negative feeling completely with her at these incidents, and instead only had the argument with her, leaving her thinking I am being nasty to her but not knowing what was on my mind.

buds:

You sound like an extremely tolerant, patient & understanding husband.

If I am as understanding as your said, then I would have able to hold my temper and not scold her..... I never claimed I am perfect.

buds:

I sincerely hope you can come out of this situation unscathed (from the
wrath of your spouse) and also come to a solution to this unhappiness
you've been experiencing. Hope things will work out for all of you..

Thanks!

[w_y_chung]

duriz:

My SIL is one such example.

I do not want to comment on her behavior whether it is respectful or not to your parents. So please don't flame me if what I write below is hard to interpret and sounded like I criticize her.

Assumption: It could be her up-bringing that she was taught to behave this way. If so, it is not 'her' fault.

If your SIL however insists your brother to do all the things she does not do, then, I think there is an imbalance in the treatment / double standard and it also means she knows what should be done but not doing it.