Living with Depression

[Sun_2010]

Totally agree with Desert wind.

Why not give him a surprise welcome with your DD?

Your DD is surely gonna love that

[duriz]

Sun_2010:

And would it help to know that many of us are swimming in the same boat. :hugs:

I'm so sorry I missed this Sun_2010.
Try the pointers when you have time, I think they are very useful.
My best wishes and thoughts go to you and yours as well :hugs:

[Funz]

Thank you Duriz. Good pointers.


Desertwind, we did not quarrel. I refuse to engage in a quarrel whenever he is in such a mood. But DD is just so super sensitive and observant. We have been to the airport to send him off and pick him up. He is not seeing things in perspective. He says he is travelling a lot but actually, not so much. In fact this is the first trip he is making in 2 mths. This trip we will not be able to pick him up at the airport as he is coming back while the kids are at school and I’m at work. In fact, most of his timing is such, either he comes back late at night, arriving like at 11+pm or in the middle of the afternoon. Not calling him also not true, when a person is overseas working how many times does he want the family to call. If we are in the same time zone, I will call him roundabout dinner time and again before the kids go to bed for them to say goodnite and at times, after the kids have settled I will call him again. And we will sms each other as well. If in a different time zone, then sms him here and there but will try to make sure that the kids get to talk to him at least once a day.

Tell him I love him? Too angry, way too angry now.

Sun2010, there’s a lot more that I want to hurl in his face.

Come out of this stronger? Maybe. What doesn’t kill us will only make us stronger. But I’m afraid it will change how I see him. How will it affect our relationship going forward? I don’t know.

The things I am feeling now, all the emotions, the jumble of it, anger, guilt, sadness, worry, despair, etc. I need to sort through them. Right now, anger is at the forefront.

[schweppes]

Funz:

The things I am feeling now, all the emotions, the jumble of it, anger, guilt, sadness, worry, despair, etc. I need to sort through them. Right now, anger is at the forefront.

:hugs: to you Funz.

Take care and may you find peace through it all

[ZacK]

Do hang in there and let your positivity carry you thru... I am sorry I have no solutions for you.


You would probably have tried before but I think it is impt for your DH to first acknowledge that this is a problem and that he must want to see improvements in himself... Only then will he be cooperative by seeking professional help.

Wrt your DD, have you explained to her abt DH's condition and perhaps have her understand what is going on... Admit to her that you may not have the solutions but you are working on it. Make her a part of what you are doing so that she feels that she is \"helping\" out... I feel that your DD is feeling insecure because she does not know what is going on and she is feeling helpless.

Do take great care

[Blobbi]

I’ve been reading this thread but have kept silent because I don’t know what to say.


If it helps, you sound like Mother Theresa, having had to put up with all that bs for years.

Hugs to you and your kiddo - the proverbial silver lining is that you have her and she has you.

My advice is in the short term, get angry - you have every right. And then let it go. When things are calm again (hopefully soon), plan for counseling, mend the relationship in whatever way you want. You can’t repair the jet plane when it’s flying; only when it lands. From your previous posts, I can tell you’re a strong, capable woman. You will know how much you and your kids can stomach for the longer haul.

Further thought: yes, if it’s depression, you should give him some leeway. But then who bears the brunt? You and the kids?? I hope he understands that it’s his responsibility to pick himself up. Surely he will want his kids to be strong enough to overcome the difficulties that they will face in their lives too. As a parent, he has to set the example.

[janet88]

Funz:

Not calling him also not true, when a person is overseas working how many times does he want the family to call. If we are in the same time zone, I will call him roundabout dinner time and again before the kids go to bed for them to say goodnite and at times, after the kids have settled I will call him again. And we will sms each other as well.

Tell him I love him? Too angry, way too angry now.

The things I am feeling now, all the emotions, the jumble of it, anger, guilt, sadness, worry, despair, etc. I need to sort through them. Right now, anger is at the forefront.

I can sense lots of anger and frustration. It's terrible when hubby doesn't acknowledge there is a problem.
Hope you will be able to seek professional help to work out this marriage.

[janet88]

Hubby was retrenched few years back, then took a job at SCS in the East and we stay in the West. He was always busy (although I do not call him unless necessary). Working until 8-9pm everyday. Sales rep called him on Sat/Sun and public holidays...demanding that he does the quotation for them. That was how my depression started. Bcos we hardly have a chance to talk plus he is physically around but mentally very frustrated.


I had insomnia and couldn't sleep even with sleeping pills. I dread bedtime bcos I would be wide awake and a complete zombie
Broke down easily bcos of fatigue. Saw a doctor and she started me on anti-depressants. Hubby still didn't understand that this is not a condition that you can snap your fingers and tell another person to get out of it.
It was terrible stage then.

[Blobbi]

Janet, tks for sharing. Kudos to you for recognizing you had a problem and doing something about it. It’s difficult to gather the courage to get help, but you did that. Not easy. You’ve also shown that things can work out well!


My friend’s hubby was prone to being morose. I don’t think he was depressed, but his way out was to take it out on the family. I really feel for her and her kid because they’ve put up with so much over the years. They went for counseling several times. She told me that the counselor finally told her husband to just wake up; sometimes you need a third party to say that for the message to sink in. The good news is that he’s come round to participating positively in the family.

Most of us recognize that we don’t always live for ourselves, and that we have a duty to our family. But sometimes in the haze of depression, it’s easy to lose our way.

[toddles]

Funz:

skunk:

he needs a total lifestyle change. And a total change of heart, to give up chasing material possessions, and find inner peace.


I was under medication for Bipolar Depression for a number of years, but i've been medication-free for the last 7 years.

I found religion, I found Peace, because I've managed to give up all my expectations of Life and all it has to offer. Rich or poor, to have or have-not, does not matter to me anymore. I've given up all my emotional baggage, and it has set me free.

Living in a stressful environment, always trying to keep up with the Joneses, or carrying around emotional baggage from the past is bound to make anyone mad/ develop mental illness.

Oh yah, a highly regimented lifestyle, wake up early, sleep early and eat healthily, will change the chemical balance in his body and make him less depressed

First hand tips from someone who survived it and tells the tale

kaitlynangelica:

Dear Funz,

Personally, I feel that a lot seems to have to do with your hubbby's attitues and outlook towards life. Some of the practica things I can think of:

2) Bring him on a mission trip to some country which is rampant with poverty so that he realises how blessed we are.

HTH.

Hi there,


Funny you should mention mission trip to some improverish country. I mentioned that to him too. Told him to take time out to do some volunteer work. He seems receptive but I know that he will not act on it.

As for reading, he is not one who reads, has never been able to finish a single book. He has however been down loading audio files of books on how to be positive, etc. Those self help, inspirational stuff. I personally do not put much stock in such things.

I tend to agree with Skunk, he has to search within himself to find the strength to overcome all these unhappiness whether it be with the help of a doctor or discovering religion or whatever.

Hi Funz,

I have two/three close relatives who grapple with depression, and also a friend who is in it now.

The one thing that I would agree is the long term solution is religion. Not trying to be preachy or single out a religion, but from experience, it's the one thing that can change a person from the inside out.

not religion per se in observing rituals or meditation ala lky's maranatha, but really searching and finding what life is about, what am I here for, what i am living for, and what i have to look forward to.

all this has made an integral difference in my life, and whatever wonky chemical compositions my body is genetically disposed to throw at me, I know I have some crucial compass, a true north to fall back on.

It's not so much searching for a 'solution within yourself' as mentioned, esp since oneself is sunk to the depths of despair. trying to dig deeper might only uncover more abysses. Rather, the solution is in focusing on a greater purpose, a higher being who is personal and real.

As someone close to a depressant, I would say, some times it helps to harden ourselves and distance ourselves from those emotions, for a while, even a day, if it's not possible to shut ourselves out from the negativity for any longer cos it's just so in your face and you see the person everyday.

It's important to retain your own sanity. Take care of yourself. Otherwise if you fall too, you can't even help him. the trick is to appear sympathetic whilst guarding yourself closely against empathy. your children need at least one of you to be functioning.

Practically, if he is inertiaed on a voluntary humanitarian trip, perhaps if you can use yr kids as an 'excuse', to say you'd really like them to experience some World Vision type of thing, and that THEY'd really like him to come along, then go ahead and plan everything and just kidnap him on the day (you seem the capable sort hee) and GO. It might really precipitate real lasting change. Don't need to go far. SEA has plenty of opportunities. even batam, which is just a ferry ride away.

If DH has close friends who are true believers (e.g. been part of a faith for a considerable time, and whom you deem are balanced individuals, who have good life perspectives), perhaps get in touch with them and see if they can invite him to join them or just be in social contact with him a bit more, and when he's comfortable can naturally invite him to join their activities.

It's a long and tough road. I always think it's sometimes easier to be physcially ill cos there is no dispute on medication etc. With psychological issues, the person usually denies the problem, refuses help, and the torture just continues. Chin up. We're all here listening and giving you all the support we can.