Living with Depression

[schweppes]

Funz:

The things I am feeling now, all the emotions, the jumble of it, anger, guilt, sadness, worry, despair, etc. I need to sort through them. Right now, anger is at the forefront.

:hugs: to you Funz.

Take care and may you find peace through it all

[ZacK]

Do hang in there and let your positivity carry you thru... I am sorry I have no solutions for you.


You would probably have tried before but I think it is impt for your DH to first acknowledge that this is a problem and that he must want to see improvements in himself... Only then will he be cooperative by seeking professional help.

Wrt your DD, have you explained to her abt DH's condition and perhaps have her understand what is going on... Admit to her that you may not have the solutions but you are working on it. Make her a part of what you are doing so that she feels that she is \"helping\" out... I feel that your DD is feeling insecure because she does not know what is going on and she is feeling helpless.

Do take great care

[Blobbi]

I’ve been reading this thread but have kept silent because I don’t know what to say.


If it helps, you sound like Mother Theresa, having had to put up with all that bs for years.

Hugs to you and your kiddo - the proverbial silver lining is that you have her and she has you.

My advice is in the short term, get angry - you have every right. And then let it go. When things are calm again (hopefully soon), plan for counseling, mend the relationship in whatever way you want. You can’t repair the jet plane when it’s flying; only when it lands. From your previous posts, I can tell you’re a strong, capable woman. You will know how much you and your kids can stomach for the longer haul.

Further thought: yes, if it’s depression, you should give him some leeway. But then who bears the brunt? You and the kids?? I hope he understands that it’s his responsibility to pick himself up. Surely he will want his kids to be strong enough to overcome the difficulties that they will face in their lives too. As a parent, he has to set the example.

[janet88]

Funz:

Not calling him also not true, when a person is overseas working how many times does he want the family to call. If we are in the same time zone, I will call him roundabout dinner time and again before the kids go to bed for them to say goodnite and at times, after the kids have settled I will call him again. And we will sms each other as well.

Tell him I love him? Too angry, way too angry now.

The things I am feeling now, all the emotions, the jumble of it, anger, guilt, sadness, worry, despair, etc. I need to sort through them. Right now, anger is at the forefront.

I can sense lots of anger and frustration. It's terrible when hubby doesn't acknowledge there is a problem.
Hope you will be able to seek professional help to work out this marriage.

[janet88]

Hubby was retrenched few years back, then took a job at SCS in the East and we stay in the West. He was always busy (although I do not call him unless necessary). Working until 8-9pm everyday. Sales rep called him on Sat/Sun and public holidays...demanding that he does the quotation for them. That was how my depression started. Bcos we hardly have a chance to talk plus he is physically around but mentally very frustrated.


I had insomnia and couldn't sleep even with sleeping pills. I dread bedtime bcos I would be wide awake and a complete zombie
Broke down easily bcos of fatigue. Saw a doctor and she started me on anti-depressants. Hubby still didn't understand that this is not a condition that you can snap your fingers and tell another person to get out of it.
It was terrible stage then.

[Blobbi]

Janet, tks for sharing. Kudos to you for recognizing you had a problem and doing something about it. It’s difficult to gather the courage to get help, but you did that. Not easy. You’ve also shown that things can work out well!


My friend’s hubby was prone to being morose. I don’t think he was depressed, but his way out was to take it out on the family. I really feel for her and her kid because they’ve put up with so much over the years. They went for counseling several times. She told me that the counselor finally told her husband to just wake up; sometimes you need a third party to say that for the message to sink in. The good news is that he’s come round to participating positively in the family.

Most of us recognize that we don’t always live for ourselves, and that we have a duty to our family. But sometimes in the haze of depression, it’s easy to lose our way.

[toddles]

Funz:

skunk:

he needs a total lifestyle change. And a total change of heart, to give up chasing material possessions, and find inner peace.


I was under medication for Bipolar Depression for a number of years, but i've been medication-free for the last 7 years.

I found religion, I found Peace, because I've managed to give up all my expectations of Life and all it has to offer. Rich or poor, to have or have-not, does not matter to me anymore. I've given up all my emotional baggage, and it has set me free.

Living in a stressful environment, always trying to keep up with the Joneses, or carrying around emotional baggage from the past is bound to make anyone mad/ develop mental illness.

Oh yah, a highly regimented lifestyle, wake up early, sleep early and eat healthily, will change the chemical balance in his body and make him less depressed

First hand tips from someone who survived it and tells the tale

kaitlynangelica:

Dear Funz,

Personally, I feel that a lot seems to have to do with your hubbby's attitues and outlook towards life. Some of the practica things I can think of:

2) Bring him on a mission trip to some country which is rampant with poverty so that he realises how blessed we are.

HTH.

Hi there,


Funny you should mention mission trip to some improverish country. I mentioned that to him too. Told him to take time out to do some volunteer work. He seems receptive but I know that he will not act on it.

As for reading, he is not one who reads, has never been able to finish a single book. He has however been down loading audio files of books on how to be positive, etc. Those self help, inspirational stuff. I personally do not put much stock in such things.

I tend to agree with Skunk, he has to search within himself to find the strength to overcome all these unhappiness whether it be with the help of a doctor or discovering religion or whatever.

Hi Funz,

I have two/three close relatives who grapple with depression, and also a friend who is in it now.

The one thing that I would agree is the long term solution is religion. Not trying to be preachy or single out a religion, but from experience, it's the one thing that can change a person from the inside out.

not religion per se in observing rituals or meditation ala lky's maranatha, but really searching and finding what life is about, what am I here for, what i am living for, and what i have to look forward to.

all this has made an integral difference in my life, and whatever wonky chemical compositions my body is genetically disposed to throw at me, I know I have some crucial compass, a true north to fall back on.

It's not so much searching for a 'solution within yourself' as mentioned, esp since oneself is sunk to the depths of despair. trying to dig deeper might only uncover more abysses. Rather, the solution is in focusing on a greater purpose, a higher being who is personal and real.

As someone close to a depressant, I would say, some times it helps to harden ourselves and distance ourselves from those emotions, for a while, even a day, if it's not possible to shut ourselves out from the negativity for any longer cos it's just so in your face and you see the person everyday.

It's important to retain your own sanity. Take care of yourself. Otherwise if you fall too, you can't even help him. the trick is to appear sympathetic whilst guarding yourself closely against empathy. your children need at least one of you to be functioning.

Practically, if he is inertiaed on a voluntary humanitarian trip, perhaps if you can use yr kids as an 'excuse', to say you'd really like them to experience some World Vision type of thing, and that THEY'd really like him to come along, then go ahead and plan everything and just kidnap him on the day (you seem the capable sort hee) and GO. It might really precipitate real lasting change. Don't need to go far. SEA has plenty of opportunities. even batam, which is just a ferry ride away.

If DH has close friends who are true believers (e.g. been part of a faith for a considerable time, and whom you deem are balanced individuals, who have good life perspectives), perhaps get in touch with them and see if they can invite him to join them or just be in social contact with him a bit more, and when he's comfortable can naturally invite him to join their activities.

It's a long and tough road. I always think it's sometimes easier to be physcially ill cos there is no dispute on medication etc. With psychological issues, the person usually denies the problem, refuses help, and the torture just continues. Chin up. We're all here listening and giving you all the support we can.

[autumnbronze]

janet_lee88:

I had insomnia and couldn't sleep even with sleeping pills. I dread bedtime bcos I would be wide awake and a complete zombie
Broke down easily bcos of fatigue. Saw a doctor and she started me on anti-depressants. Hubby still didn't understand that this is not a condition that you can snap your fingers and tell another person to get out of it.
It was terrible stage then.

Hi janet_lee88,

Thanks for sharing.

I am glad you were able to pull through out of it :hugs:

[DesertWind]

Dear Funz,


Just to share about my own experience.

There was a short period of time (before I conceive my son) when I was depressed. Not the funny \"oh I am depressed because I have a bad day..\" type but really, really down... The feeling was horrible to say the least and I have never felt this way in my life. It was as if my mental strength was very weak like many, many steps below normal. And I thought the description \"DOWN\" was really accurate. Emotionally I was also a roller-coaster. One minute I felt OK, next minute I was down again. To the extent that I actually told my hubby to bring me to a doctor to see if he could give me something to stabilize my emotions. The doctor prescribed anti-depressants (Xanax) if I am not wrong. When we went to the pharmacy to get it, it hit me that SHIT! I am taking anti-depressant, surely this can't be a long-term solution? I better buck-up and lift myself out of it instead of wallowing in it!

What happened to cause the depression was due to the fact that I was very stressed out by my work and very unhappy due to the politics in the office. No sense of belonging despite 6 years there plus I felt colleagues were shunning me when I fell out of my ex-boss's favour. I could feel the impending anger from my ex-boss and the vibes scared the hell out of me! Also I realized I will have to quit my job and the thought of going through interviews also seemed like an insurmountable task. The helplessness was also crushing me because no way could I have left without a job as I needed the income to support my family.

It was also a period when I did not go to my church for a long time and so I was not spiritually strong as well.

My husband told me to snap out of it but I could not - I would be ranting and raving about my office situation repeatedly until anybody also can die! He tried to talk to me to tell me surely it couldn't be that bad and I would find a new job. Yah right! When I was in that frame of mind, on & on the stories went....My hubby prepared a chocolate dessert to celebrate Valentine's Day with me at home and I did not even noticed it! On that Valentine's evening dinner I was still talking on & on, up & down instead of concentrating on the dinner. Until hubby was so fed-up he shouted at me to STOP IT! I was scaring him! And why didn't I APPRECIATE the fact that he had taken the TROUBLE and PAINS of making the chocolate dessert for me?

I was like \"What? Why are you scolding me? Hey, I am the depressed one here! You ought to sympathize with me! Who cares about dessert when there are so many issues in life?\" Actually until now sometimes I still ask him why he scolded me when I was down? Couldn't he \"manjar\" me a bit more? The dessert so great meh?

Yes, SELFISH MYOPIC ME, indeed!

This roller-coaster period took place for about a few months to almost a year I think. In between I force myself to go back to church to have some spiritual strength again. Then after I have enough spiritual strength, I prayed to God to help me during this time when I could not help myself. Also I prayed that I would have a new job offer and a new work environment totally different from my old one.

After that, I got a call from my ex-HR manager who just happened to call me to ask me whether I knew of anybody interested in a new position? I said why not consider me? So I went for the interview and got a job offer.
At the same time I was also tested positive for pregnancy at the pre-employment check-up! Can you imagine the mixed feelings? I was almost sure the job offer will be pulled back!

But yes miracles do happen! My new boss told me the offer still stands and I was to join them asap! When I joined my new company I was 3 months pregnant. So THANK GOD I was able to carry my baby in a much better environment and I was much happier then! With my job situation resolved, I gradually gained back my strength, climbed out of fear and by & by my mental resilience came back!

Looking back now - horrible time & I never ever want to be in that situation again!

Hope our sharing can in some ways help you too Funz!
:celebrate:
(edited for grammatical errors, cannot tahan...)

[autumnbronze]

Dear DesertWind,


:ugogirl:

Gosh, in reading your post, your experience kinda reminds me of the mythical sacred bird, the phoenix :hugs: :hugs: