parenting style

[peterch]

KoalaMummy:

My ds1, in P4 this year, is a rather smart kid, but very lazy, only likes to play computer games and watch tv.


His cousin (my dh's younger brother's son), in P3 this year, though not as smart as my boy (street-wise) is very hardworking. He got into GEP, 2nd stage. (His mom is a ex-teacher and a SAHM.)

Even though nobody is comparing, yet, i felt a bit disappointed in my ds. I wonder if i've been too lax with him. My dh and I never really pressurise him in his schoolwork. We want him to have a 'fun and memorable' childhood. however, now i began to re-think if this is not right. what do you parents think? what is your parenting style and how has it influenced your kids?

Hi, my DS is in P4 as well. I have the same situation as yours.

What I did so far.... I let him watch TV and play games during weekends only, as weekdays are full with enrichment classes or cca, and really stop any of those 2 weeks before CA or SA. So far, this could work well for him and me

I am starting to let him make his own 'time management' and try to make him to follow what he made on his own

[mrswongtuition]

KoalaMummy:

My ds1, in P4 this year, is a rather smart kid, but very lazy, only likes to play computer games and watch tv.


His cousin (my dh's younger brother's son), in P3 this year, though not as smart as my boy (street-wise) is very hardworking. He got into GEP, 2nd stage. (His mom is a ex-teacher and a SAHM.)

Even though nobody is comparing, yet, i felt a bit disappointed in my ds. I wonder if i've been too lax with him. My dh and I never really pressurise him in his schoolwork. We want him to have a 'fun and memorable' childhood. however, now i began to re-think if this is not right. what do you parents think? what is your parenting style and how has it influenced your kids?

First thing you must ask yourself, are you disappointed because you know he can do better?
Or are you disappointed because your nephew did better than him?

If it's my son, I will be disappointed because I know he's capable of more.
From educator's POV, learning must be consistent and relevant.

Psst, kids who get into GEP or pass GEP cos of 'training' or cos they are hardworking usually find it though to cope in GEP class.
One of my student in NYPS GEP told me that he has classmates whose parents signed them up for those GEP prep class and they got into GEP, now struggling like mad and not doing very well.
He observed that those who got in based on natural ability (no training), coped better.
And he also said that some students who did not make it into GEP but passed first round and got good grades will join them for certain classes/activities.

So don't be too upset that your son did not make it. If it's not meant to be now, it's alright cos he'll be presented with more chances in future.

[comfy]

KoalaMummy:

My ds1, in P4 this year, is a rather smart kid, but very lazy, only likes to play computer games and watch tv.


His cousin (my dh's younger brother's son), in P3 this year, though not as smart as my boy (street-wise) is very hardworking. He got into GEP, 2nd stage. (His mom is a ex-teacher and a SAHM.)

Even though nobody is comparing, yet, i felt a bit disappointed in my ds. I wonder if i've been too lax with him. My dh and I never really pressurise him in his schoolwork. We want him to have a 'fun and memorable' childhood. however, now i began to re-think if this is not right. what do you parents think? what is your parenting style and how has it influenced your kids?

I know you want your ds to have a 'fun and memorable' childhood, me too!
But my thinking is what is fun and interesting for my dd, is to give her a good foundation in helping her cope with her school life. In this way, she will enjoy learning in school and have a great time. School here is bascially a word-based teaching. So I try to nurture her to have a love for words.So that when she was in P1, she could ease into the academic environment and cope very well.
Take heart, it is still not too late to talk to your ds how you feel and your expectation of him. You have to be clear of what is your expectation of him so that you can help him achieved.

[markfch]

My 6 yr old ds is also lazy and like yours, loves to play computer games (like 2 hrs on weekdays & many more on weekends). Think we all know that unless one is a genius (how many are there?), we would not be successful in life with laziness. To swap laziness with its opposite twins diligence, there is motivation (which is internal) and there is incentive (external). For my ds, I guess motivation is definitely not there. So I got to work with incentives which unfortunately cost money.


I use incentives a lot on my ds cos he responds to it. I know a lot of parents are against this form of ‘bribery’, but I believe that if a kid is incentivised and does well academically, slowly his pride will internalise and get him motivated to continue the good performance. Of course upfront motivation is the best, but we got to make the best use of our own individual situation. I give my ds lots of incentives to aim for, different prizes for achieving different targets. Long term & short term targets. You may wish to consider that as a possibility.

But the one thing I never do is to openly compare between top performing kids & ds. Or use them as an example to pressurise ds. Doing so will definitely break the goodwill between the two of us. I believe boys even at a young age will start to treasure their pride and ego. I mean if ds starts to compare me with my millionaire relatives … you get the drift.

Just thinking, if the problem your ds appears lazy is that he does not understand what is taught in sch and does not believe that he’ll do well even if he trys, then you have a different set of problems. I mean you can offer me $10 mil to win olympic gold but I know I’ll never make it so I also won’t be incentivised no matter what. In that case, you may have to spend time coaching him or engage external help. I think for kids who are not inherently motivated to study, a system of incentives & extra coaching (from parents or external) will be most fruitful.

Sorry I sound so long winded cos as a fellow parent, I share your anguish.

[Blobbi]

Very interesting topic!


For me, I also want my kid to have a happy, memorable childhood. But I don't think it means no effort or no stress. My take is, people feel happy when they find a connection with what they're doing, and they feel happiest when they've achieved something. So I really try hard to connect my son to learning. His reward is from satisfying his own curiosity. I've found out that, at least in my son's case, a little praise can go a long way, so I have to be sparse in this area. I used to give him rewards, but oddly enough, it takes away from the satisfaction he gets from his own effort.

Easy to say, very difficult to do! I cant foist what he dislikes on him; that doesn't seem fair. But i sure can encourage what he likes to do in the first place. It may seem frivolous, but we've built a lot of paper aeroplanes to figure out what flies best and why. He'll also appreciate when he's older that I've stepped in to place limits on activities that (this one definitely is a judgment call) have less merit.

DS btw is not a I'll-do-as-you-say kid. Quite the opposite. I find it very challenging, sometimes outright taxing, but also very refreshing, especially as he gets older. What i'm trying to say is, he isn't nor did he start out as the perfect kid (just my perfect kid ;)), and I've definitely worked hard to shape our home environment to be conducive to learning. I tell him- I'm the parent, I have more life experience, so I know what's best for him in the long run. And for the first time, he can't argue against that!

Koalamummy, if you feel strongly about it, it's not too late to change the situation. It does take (a lot of ) time and resolve. Maybe the trick is to look a little further down the road and ask yourself if you like what you see.

All the best!

[duriz]

BlurBee:

4.走开,能不能让我安静一会儿会使他们觉得自己是多余的人,产生无以名状的孤独感.倘若你的确想独自呆一会儿,可以耐心向孩子解释:我很乐意与你在一起,只不过现在太忙,请原谅.

10.你滚吧,想去哪里去哪里最后通牒式的话让孩子没法应对,
他虽然不想离家出走,但更不想就此低头.任性的孩子可能会逞一回英雄真的离家出走了.

:goodpost: Blurbee
Words never to be spoken to our children.
And twelve tips to live by.

Thank you for sharing.

[duriz]

KoalaMummy,


I hope your little computer whiz find his calling in life.
And you will be the guiding light that leads him to it.
He is very young and you have the ability to steer him towards the positive, as you see fit.
No fret.
Remember how we were when we were young?
No doubt, terribly incorrigible (sometimes) in our Moms' eyes.
But they never gave up and tried and tried.
Did we all become doctors and lawyers and millionaires?
Perhaps some of us but the bulk of us only hope to do good by our loved ones, live as meaningful a life as possible and contribute to the community the best we can.

Add oil buddy!

:hugs:

[Blobbi]

duriz:

KoalaMummy,


I hope your little computer whiz find his calling in life.
And you will be the guiding light that leads him to it.
He is very young and you have the ability to steer him towards the positive, as you see fit.
No fret.
Remember how we were when we were young?
No doubt, terribly incorrigible (sometimes) in our Moms' eyes.
But they never gave up and tried and tried.
Did we all become doctors and lawyers and millionaires?
Perhaps some of us but the bulk of us only hope to do good by our loved ones, live as meaningful a life as possible and contribute to the community the best we can.

Add oil buddy!

:hugs:

:goodpost: !!!

Duriz, you're the woman! I wanted to write something like this, but came out like uh, that. Completely agree with you!!! I hear you on this!

[duriz]

Blobbi:

DS btw is not a I'll-do-as-you-say kid. Quite the opposite. I find it very challenging, sometimes outright taxing, but also very refreshing, especially as he gets older. What i'm trying to say is, he isn't nor did he start out as the perfect kid (just my perfect kid ;)), and I've definitely worked hard to shape our home environment to be conducive to learning. I tell him- I'm the parent, I have more life experience, so I know what's best for him in the long run. And for the first time, he can't argue against that!

Thank you Blobbi but I'm humbled by reading about everyone's experiences.
From what I'd read, you're doing great by your DS.
Sure it can be a challenge, no one said parenting was going to be easy.
My DD is very young compared to most children here.
It's a pleasure and a learning experience for me to come by here everyday.
I thank you in return :celebrate:

[KoalaMummy]

BlurBee:

[Editor's note: Topic selected & edited for http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/bringing-kid-great-personality.]


This is something my DH sent to me today. :lol:

培养一个有灵性的孩子
by 玄原寺on Friday, October 1, 2010 at 11:04am

最好不要对孩子说下面十句话：

1.你为什么就不能够像--- …孩子被对比,很可能增加他们本能的敌对情绪,甚至耿耿于怀.
应该向孩子讲清楚你的具体要求.重点放在你希望他改变的不良行为上.

oops, can't read this in office, i presume it's in chinese character cos i only see ===... can anyone translate or capture it in picture format so that i can read. :lol: