In-law problems?

[24hr-mum]

they hv strong sense of insecurity. whole mind is only abt winning favor frm sons and grandchildren

[qizai]

Thanks, janet_lee88, growie and 24hr-mum for your comments!


Nobody enters marriage wanting to live life grappling with these issues, everybody wants their marriage to be lovey-dovey and passionate.

But unfortunately for many ladies, and the occasional bloke like me, in-law issues come in various annoying shapes and sizes.

Instead of waiting for that person to die, which could be at least another 20 years or so, we have to make those issues as minor as possible, instead of letting it dominate our lives.

To be as minor as possible, maybe a good way would be treating the problem like a neighbour's dog pooing at ur doorstep, or an irksome cockroach hiding under the cabinet, or the lizard on the wall that you cannot seem to chase away.

As long as we do not have to deal with them everyday, our focus should be on beautiful things in our life, not the ugly ones.

Well, hope I don't come across as too mean in saying all these, but if you never have a mean MIL in your life, then a good way to get the feel is to imagine a situation where you have to face a mean colleague/boss in a job that you can never quit for the next 30 years.

[24hr-mum]

u r talkg abt not hvg to face mil everyday.

for me few years ago, i had to face my mil 24/7 for 6 yrs…it was super depressing…no one will understand unless they had stayed wif one like that

[janet88]

Hi 24hr-mum,

It’s sad and a torture to have put up with such misery after getting married.

Usually for the men to face their in-laws, it’s chicken feed. It’s the reverse for women though. For me, if I don’t have to face them, I’m very happy and relieved…even if there is abalone and birds nest, no thanks.

[phankao]

24hr-mum:

u r talkg abt not hvg to face mil everyday.

for me few years ago, i had to face my mil 24/7 for 6 yrs............it was super depressing...............no one will understand unless they had stayed wif one like that

Only 6 years? ;D MIL has lived with me for 12 years. There's really not much choice for a place for her to stay. Actually we have the least amount of space for her. sigh. She treats the whole house like her own.

I was telling my hubs that I wonder whether there will come a day SOON when our house can be our OWN, the way it should be. Who knows, maybe MIL will live past 100yrs - only few yrs more but still so strong!

I find it so unfair that our ILs both never had to have anyone live with them, but we have to. Which means MIL had her own household to run whatever way she liked with no interfering ILs or parents. Really not fair. Even my own mother never had to have her parents or ILs live with her but i think if MIL is not around anymore, the next one to move in might be my own mum.

I really wish we could afford a house with several separate wings!

[24hr-mum]

hi phankao,


there was a time when we thot of buying cluster house - whc had 3 levels, so each generation can occupy one flr. but i told my hubby, it poses even worry for becos whenever my mil sees my kids go up n down the stairs, she will sure be the one to accompany them walk up n down the stairs even tho she is so frail herslf. there is a risk of both the old n the young falling down esp since her style is to hold my kids’ hands ALL the time, even after we are already at door step when coming hm from outside, she still holds on to my girl’s hand with one hand, and will try to balance herslf wobbly cos she needs the other hand to take off her shoes (she cant use one feet to take off the shoe from the other feet)

after mil move out, i even dont want cluster house so i can hv the excuse of no space. but anyway the best shield was my maid. my mil moved out becos she cant tahan hving to compete for the kids first with me but later also compete against the maid. so my maid was my saving grace:）
i was preg wif #3 then and even tho i was preg, i was filled with anger everyday cos my mil wld blackface me over many things - my girl dont her to bathe her but prefer me, dont want to hold her hand, when my boy cry i forbid her from sayang the naughty boy, when i brg kids out for dinner wf my girl friends n she had to dine alone, etc she even want to follow me to church’s couple empowerment course ! things were so bad i threatened to move out and file a ‘D’.

those days i wld nvr forget. can forgive but nvr forget.

when she stayed wif me, most of the time after dinner i stayed in my rm wif my kids. my rm has tv, bar fridge, many things to make me self -sufficient and no need to go kitchen or living rm so i can avoid my mil.
i nvr ventured into living rm or kitchen. only my rm n study rm. it was how i prevented my kids from becoming tv addict cos my mil n bil who also stayed wif me, wld watch tv whole nite after dinner at living rm.

there was this song abt a prostitute whose house was only a room.
my hubby teased me and said my situation was like that too.

[24hr-mum]

i told my hubby, even if u give me 100 million, i wld nvr stay wif his mum given any choice. i wld rather stay in a 1rm flat.

[phankao]

24hr-mum:

i told my hubby, even if u give me 100 million, i wld nvr stay wif his mum given any choice. i wld rather stay in a 1rm flat.

The only alternative is MIL or my mum go stay in old folks' home lor. But hubs won't ever agree. But yes, it would be nice to have a much larger place. Not everyone can afford. We don't have a study room. Our kids study in whatever available space they can find, be it on the dining table, their own room, beds, window ledge, balcony, etc. Our room is not that big either, unlike yours. I strangely have a disapproportionately large bathroom. But .... i no longer talk to my MIL - give up liao! Waste energy! :roll:

[24hr-mum]

to elaborate, my mil was super distrustful of my maid even tho she was transferred from my godfather’s son’s - tried n tested to be reliable. even tho my maid has worked for me for 3+ yrs already, my mil is still the same.


she wld rather go out and buy lunch for me than let my maid cook for me if she (my mil) has no time to cook for me.

[MummyThreeStreams]

I don’t live with my in-laws nor parents. DH and I were very clear that after we got married we would ‘separate’ from our folks and set up our own home, even if it meant renting. We wanted to establish our own separate identity as a couple and family unit, and not just be someone’s child. I also saw how my SIL (DH’s brother’s wife) was unhappy staying with my in-laws.


I know we are fortunate to have the freedom to live on our own, and not everyone has that option. But this living apart has meant that we have a cordial relationship with the in-laws, even if we may not agree to everything they do. My BIL and SIL have since moved out and the situation has also improved. I think living together, especially straight after marriage, is very stressful and i have seen a number of my friends’ ‘suffering’, and the relationship with their in-laws and even spouses suffer.

I have two friends in particular who are living in big houses with their in-laws. They save on rent, and housework etc., so their husbands don’t want to move out. But it’s so unfair to my friends. They are like prisoners at home. And the thing is, their in-laws are not that terrible people!

And look at my situation. I don’t live with the old folk, but I see them quite frequently because they come to my place to help me with my kids. They are not very unreasonable people, and I don’t have serious problems with them, but even then I do get stressed and annoyed from time to time. But I can always wave goodbye to them at the end of the day and that’s that. Imagine if I had to face them 24/7!

I think no matter how nice the old folks are, it will be hard becaues there will always be a power struggle, or turf issues, or different expectations/habits. It’s hard enough having to adjust to living with your new spouse, imagine having to adjust to your MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL etc… So, I always advise my friends to establish their own home first.

It’s not being unfilial. It’s about preserving the family ties in the long run. We will be happy to live together next time, if they need us to e.g. illness, very old age etc. etc. but only AFTER we have firmly estalished our home and family. It will not be a breeze, but we would be able to approach it from a much stronger position.

Just my two cents worth, especially since my friends are having these problems now. I don’t know how to help them since their husbands are not convinced.