Asian Mums are more SUPERIOR?
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Chenonceau:
Haven't visited this site for a few months. This is an excellent post! This Chinese Mother thingy got me thinking for a while these two days, and sometimes, I do have to turn to some of the skills Amy Chua uses. However, the same parenting style CANNOT be applicable to all children. We as parents really have to adjust our styles and ways according to our children's needs and personalities.I am not weighing in on the debate Pro-Drilling or Against-Drilling. Because, I do both depending on the situation. I rather suspect that most Mommies here do too. We all do a bit of both I think. I am also not telling other mommies/daddies what best they should do because I am not in their situation.
I went and dug out The Daughter's report book. Here is my story.
The Daughter scored 79 for English, 88 for Math in P1. She placed in the bottom 25% of her YEAR. However, in P1 she scored 99% for Chinese because Grandma plied her with assessment books. Little Boy's grades followed the same pattern.
English, Math and Science were my subjects to coach. Chinese was Grandma's. We took very different approaches. I looked past the grades in P1 & P2 for both my kids. In P1 & P2 my objectives were (1) they get used to school, (2) they adapt well socially, (3) they learn basic self-management skills, (4) the kinda keep up, (5) they like learning (6) they understand the value of diligence and discipline, and (7) they take full ownership of their studies.
These were all specific qualitative aims I had in mind. Not quantifiable but I wanted to focus on laying this foundation so that I would have a strong foundation of work ethic and self-management skills to build on in Upper Primary.
P1 & P2: Foundational Study Skills
I expected my kids to pack their bags, take notes, keep track of homework etc... That's tough you know for the little ones. So many times, they forgot their books. My son lost his exam schedule and I didn't help him get another. For 3 weeks, he went to school with his transparent exam pencil box because we didn't know when exactly his exams where and which day was what exam.
How to get good grades like that?
Nonetheless, whilst they were thus struggling, I was always warm and supportive ... and I gave a lot of loving advice. Next time, you need to remember this and that and the other. I had high expectations (about specific behaviors, not grades) but I tried not to help. I didn't gloat or say \"Hah! You deserved it!\" That's very mean and discouraging. Every boo boo was an opportunity to talk about how my child could manage himself better.
I gave very little drills at this stage. If they remembered to do their homework, I was happy. My kids \"failed\" at this stage but neither really failed as in score below 50. I did not allow that to happen. Their lowest grades were still 70+. I reckoned that that was what I could live with... believing that catch up was imminently possible from a 70s range.
P3 & P4: Transiting From Skills Focus to Grades Focus
By P3, they pretty much got the hang of the skills required to keep one's head afloat in school. They took notes, their bags were neat and they owned their study process completely because whilst I was encouraging and free with my advice, I tried not to help too much. So, about P3, I began to set grade goals (90+ for every subject).
At first, neither kid believed they were capable (since neither had ever scored in that range before except for Chinese), but I told them that I knew they could do it.
I began to PROPOSE drills, and because both are close to me, they do bend to my wishes even when gently proposed. Mostly I gave them past year exams from other schools. I planned the schedule and checked in every weekend to see if everything was done, and done well. At this stage, I was still refining study skills. I wanted to see careful work, good handwriting... I was less fussy about grades than I was about general work quality. I threw absolute hissy fits when work was shoddy and careless, but looked past genuine errors and absolute scores.
By end-P4, they were hitting the 90s in English, Math and Science. Strangely though, their Chinese grades dropped to the 80s. I kept telling Grandma that the way she taught the children Chinese made them feel like they didn't own the process. When they did well in Chinese, Grandma felt proud that she was a good teacher and hardworking too and conscientious. But my kids felt dispossessed of their glory. Their Chinese marks belonged to Grandma. Also, as you move into P4, the syllabus changes. Whether Chinese, English, Science or Math, the kids nowadays are no longer tested what is in the textbook.
By P3 & P4, kids are tested OUTSIDE of what is stated in the textbook. Grandma was still drilling textbook material. To score in the 90s for Science, Little Boy had to do independent internet Science research! We constructed Powerpoint slides, put him in a Professor's geeky glasses and made him present his findings. To score in the 90s for English, we were reading tons of storybooks and practising how to create metaphors, analogies and alliterative effects (e.g., Pretty Puddle of Pungent Poo). We read poetry. Basically, there was no way to drill our way to success because there was no way to predict what would be tested. Anything could be tested, and so I took a blunderbuss approach - LEARN EVERYTHING INTERESTING and HAVE FUN. Look at what teacher taught, ask questions of yourself and look for the answers on your own. Never mind if not in syllabus. You learn more and you won't die, and you'll have fun.
\"The grades will come\" I promised them. Back then, it was me putting on a brave front and being a brave mother so that my children would have the strength to carry on and keep trying. I couldn't tell them I didn't believe in them. In this way, I concur with Amy Chua... the best thing you can do for your child is to believe in him.
Meanwhile, Grandma went on drilling from the textbook. And whatever I said to her, she wouldn't budge from her time-tested method. She had been a Chinese Teacher in the past and had tutored even Mrs Carmee Lim's daughters (ex-Principal of RGS). She thought she knew best but her methods were outdated and designed for a syllabus and an approach that was past.
P5 & P6: ABSOLUTE Grade Focus
In P5 and P6, I became Tiger Mother. The Daughter came home one day in P6 and waved a Science paper scored 98% in my face. I said \"It was an easy exam. The PSLE won't be this easy.\" The Daughter has never forgotten that scathing comment.
I reckoned that by P5 & P6, my kids had amassed enough resilience and process skills to take some knocks and I did knock them about, though never as hard as what Amy Chua seems to have done.
Starting P5, there was a consistent practice schedule which intensified as we moved into the 2nd quarter of P6. I devised the schedule collaboratively with my kids and I was sensitive to their mental and physical states. I had no qualms about deleting work if I thought it was too much. I wanted to manage my kids energy levels. Must always have time to recharge even if grades suffered meantime. The rule in the house is to NEVER TOUCH BOOKS 3 days before and exam paper. And I made sure I allocated whole days or whole weeks of NO BOOKS so that they could play to their hearts' content.
There was a constant process of watching and adjusting. There was a lot of trust and dialogue. I worked them hard but I made sure that I was there to encourage and listen to their problems. But they still owned their study process. I proposed a work schedule and they decided if they could manage. More often than not, they would ADD in stuff and tell me \"Mommy, I can try.\" They knew that the PSLE was an important exam.
I also built in a natural reward into the work schedule. If they somehow did their work fast and well, they had that extra time to play. I never gave more work when they finished theirs earlier than I had expected. And whenever I could, and they had finished earlier than expected, I would take time off work to play with them. Go somewhere they wanna go... do something they like... together.
Results
The Daughter placed consistently in the top 3 places from P5 to Sec 2. In Sec 3, she was handpicked for an accelerated program where the others were smarter and just as driven as she. To keep up, she really pushed herself. End Sec 3, she was in hospital with pneumonia, a result of 2 months of flu and insufficient rest. She was so motivated that it had become a problem. I went to school and got an exemption for one month of homework... plus I locked up her laptop. She vegetated at home that month.
Little Boy is now in P5. He looks at the work schedule that we worked out and if I decide to delete an item, he will say \"Leave it in Mom. I will try.\"
Unfortunately, The Daughter's Chinese marks at 'O' levels went down to the 50s. She hated Chinese and rebelled completely against Grandma's micro-managing ways. Little Boy's Chinese dropped to 79 for the first time in end-P4. So, I've taken over Chinese from Grandma too... and I'm doing it my way now. Read a lot, have a lotta fun, and to hell with textbook. I will be introducing exam practices later in the year however. Learn and have fun first. Drill later.
Both drill and no-drill are important to me.
My Objective
I don't need my kids to be the best in class... but I want them to be the best they can be. If what they can be is 80+, then fine... and seriously, The Daughter's class now is full of people who are so smart she and I feel stupid. That's fine. We're not as smart. And we don't need to be.
She got where she was not because she was smart, but because she was motivated. Motivation can get a child farther than a parent's best wishes and most beautiful dreams. The Daughter is no longer at the top of her class anymore, but that is fine because I know she has reached her potential and maybe even a little beyond. The same with Little Boy. I know he can manage 90+ in every subject if he wants to. Even Chinese.
The trick is to make them want to. And the first step is to turn the ownership of the study process over to them... and make them own it. This should be done early enough (I think). I have just sacked Grandma and turned the ownership of Chinese over to Little Boy. He used to roll his eyes when Grandma complained he was slow. Today, in the car, he said \"Mom, I have a problem. I am slow in my compo. Others have done 1.5 pages, I've only done 1.\"
He now owns his problem and I play the familar supportive role \"Oh never mind... you keep on reading those books and one day, the grades will come. I promise\" and I look at him with a confident smile. This way, he will keep on trying... and he will end up where he ends up in Chinese. And I will still be happy even if it isn't 90+.
Not the Only Approach
I consciously took an approach where I focused first on Foundational Study Skills to the detriment of grades. It worked for me. I am sure there are other parents who focused on both at the same time quite successfully. I am sharing my story because it isn't a usual approach, but it worked for me.
I showed the article to DS1 and DD1 yesterday. DD1 said, \"Mom, you are more a Western mom.\" in the afternoon. In the evening, DS1 said, \"Mom, you are definitely a Chinese mom. You made me study till late when I was P1, you made me practise on the piano until I perfected every technique. The only difference is you've never insulted me.\"
I sat DS1 down for a short chat that lasted two hours. DS1 is now 16 and into his final year in the university and he has gone past his teenage rebellion (which didn't last very long anyway). Over the last two weeks, we have been working on his new path: applying a place to do PhD before he enlists for NS. We discussed why I did the things I did, how I have 'evolved' as a mother, and how it has all been a learning process for me as well. In the end, he agreed the Chinese mother method did work, minus the discouraging, scary parts, replaced with love and encouragement, and given the rights to discuss his interests.
With DD1, I've never had to be a Chinese mother. If I had been, it would be really painful for the both of us. I knew it from the start. She is motivated by nature, and always wanting to do well. Her nursery teacher told me that. She was only three. DD1 will be starting her uni this year at 14, entering the uni with an exceptional GPA of 3.9 out of 4, without me ever knowing her syllables. Instead of asking her to work hard, I had to ask her to go and sleep most nights. From young, she had never allowed her spelling or tingxie to fall below 100%. For a disciplined child, more discipline would only cause anxiety. So with DD1, I gave a lot of leeway, but I was always strict in that she could not go out and hang out with her friends in shopping centres or fast food restaurants. She could go for movies, for a meal and to buy stuff, but never to hang out.
If we read Amy Chua's book in totality, she admitted in the end that when Lulu rebelled at 13, she went through a very dark part of her life. Fortunately for me, my son never rebelled, maybe because I was blessed enough to have many children (5 in total) to worry about that not all the attention was on him. Also, I have never forced him to do beyond his potential.
I've never thought I'm a great mom, but I was always happy with my children's small achievements. But with DS2, I was totally thrown off track. I have no clue what to do with him. This child is tested profoundly gifted and was also diagnosed with ASD. Though gifted, his learning capabilities were totally impaired by anxieties. I went through the whole healing process with him. Some will remember the dark moments I went through last year as well. I turned to professionals and spent lots and lots and lots of money. To my BIG, BIG, BIG surprise, he made a 180 degrees changed just over two months and begin to function almost normally now. We are so happy with his change, and the teachers are surprised as well.
With a special needs child who is exceptionally gifted, I know the methods I used for DS1, DD1, DD2 will be different, and I'm still learning what's the best. Parenting is indeed a learning process: for me, for Amy Chua and for every mother or father. -
Chenonceau:
Haven't visited this site for a few months. This is an excellent post! This Chinese Mother thingy got me thinking for a while these two days, and sometimes, I do have to turn to some of the harsh methods Amy Chua described. However, the same parenting style CANNOT be applicable to all children. We as parents really have to adjust our styles and ways according to our children's needs and personalities.I am not weighing in on the debate Pro-Drilling or Against-Drilling. Because, I do both depending on the situation. I rather suspect that most Mommies here do too. We all do a bit of both I think. I am also not telling other mommies/daddies what best they should do because I am not in their situation.
I went and dug out The Daughter's report book. Here is my story.
The Daughter scored 79 for English, 88 for Math in P1. She placed in the bottom 25% of her YEAR. However, in P1 she scored 99% for Chinese because Grandma plied her with assessment books. Little Boy's grades followed the same pattern.
English, Math and Science were my subjects to coach. Chinese was Grandma's. We took very different approaches. I looked past the grades in P1 & P2 for both my kids. In P1 & P2 my objectives were (1) they get used to school, (2) they adapt well socially, (3) they learn basic self-management skills, (4) the kinda keep up, (5) they like learning (6) they understand the value of diligence and discipline, and (7) they take full ownership of their studies.
These were all specific qualitative aims I had in mind. Not quantifiable but I wanted to focus on laying this foundation so that I would have a strong foundation of work ethic and self-management skills to build on in Upper Primary.
P1 & P2: Foundational Study Skills
I expected my kids to pack their bags, take notes, keep track of homework etc... That's tough you know for the little ones. So many times, they forgot their books. My son lost his exam schedule and I didn't help him get another. For 3 weeks, he went to school with his transparent exam pencil box because we didn't know when exactly his exams where and which day was what exam.
How to get good grades like that?
Nonetheless, whilst they were thus struggling, I was always warm and supportive ... and I gave a lot of loving advice. Next time, you need to remember this and that and the other. I had high expectations (about specific behaviors, not grades) but I tried not to help. I didn't gloat or say \"Hah! You deserved it!\" That's very mean and discouraging. Every boo boo was an opportunity to talk about how my child could manage himself better.
I gave very little drills at this stage. If they remembered to do their homework, I was happy. My kids \"failed\" at this stage but neither really failed as in score below 50. I did not allow that to happen. Their lowest grades were still 70+. I reckoned that that was what I could live with... believing that catch up was imminently possible from a 70s range.
P3 & P4: Transiting From Skills Focus to Grades Focus
By P3, they pretty much got the hang of the skills required to keep one's head afloat in school. They took notes, their bags were neat and they owned their study process completely because whilst I was encouraging and free with my advice, I tried not to help too much. So, about P3, I began to set grade goals (90+ for every subject).
At first, neither kid believed they were capable (since neither had ever scored in that range before except for Chinese), but I told them that I knew they could do it.
I began to PROPOSE drills, and because both are close to me, they do bend to my wishes even when gently proposed. Mostly I gave them past year exams from other schools. I planned the schedule and checked in every weekend to see if everything was done, and done well. At this stage, I was still refining study skills. I wanted to see careful work, good handwriting... I was less fussy about grades than I was about general work quality. I threw absolute hissy fits when work was shoddy and careless, but looked past genuine errors and absolute scores.
By end-P4, they were hitting the 90s in English, Math and Science. Strangely though, their Chinese grades dropped to the 80s. I kept telling Grandma that the way she taught the children Chinese made them feel like they didn't own the process. When they did well in Chinese, Grandma felt proud that she was a good teacher and hardworking too and conscientious. But my kids felt dispossessed of their glory. Their Chinese marks belonged to Grandma. Also, as you move into P4, the syllabus changes. Whether Chinese, English, Science or Math, the kids nowadays are no longer tested what is in the textbook.
By P3 & P4, kids are tested OUTSIDE of what is stated in the textbook. Grandma was still drilling textbook material. To score in the 90s for Science, Little Boy had to do independent internet Science research! We constructed Powerpoint slides, put him in a Professor's geeky glasses and made him present his findings. To score in the 90s for English, we were reading tons of storybooks and practising how to create metaphors, analogies and alliterative effects (e.g., Pretty Puddle of Pungent Poo). We read poetry. Basically, there was no way to drill our way to success because there was no way to predict what would be tested. Anything could be tested, and so I took a blunderbuss approach - LEARN EVERYTHING INTERESTING and HAVE FUN. Look at what teacher taught, ask questions of yourself and look for the answers on your own. Never mind if not in syllabus. You learn more and you won't die, and you'll have fun.
\"The grades will come\" I promised them. Back then, it was me putting on a brave front and being a brave mother so that my children would have the strength to carry on and keep trying. I couldn't tell them I didn't believe in them. In this way, I concur with Amy Chua... the best thing you can do for your child is to believe in him.
Meanwhile, Grandma went on drilling from the textbook. And whatever I said to her, she wouldn't budge from her time-tested method. She had been a Chinese Teacher in the past and had tutored even Mrs Carmee Lim's daughters (ex-Principal of RGS). She thought she knew best but her methods were outdated and designed for a syllabus and an approach that was past.
P5 & P6: ABSOLUTE Grade Focus
In P5 and P6, I became Tiger Mother. The Daughter came home one day in P6 and waved a Science paper scored 98% in my face. I said \"It was an easy exam. The PSLE won't be this easy.\" The Daughter has never forgotten that scathing comment.
I reckoned that by P5 & P6, my kids had amassed enough resilience and process skills to take some knocks and I did knock them about, though never as hard as what Amy Chua seems to have done.
Starting P5, there was a consistent practice schedule which intensified as we moved into the 2nd quarter of P6. I devised the schedule collaboratively with my kids and I was sensitive to their mental and physical states. I had no qualms about deleting work if I thought it was too much. I wanted to manage my kids energy levels. Must always have time to recharge even if grades suffered meantime. The rule in the house is to NEVER TOUCH BOOKS 3 days before and exam paper. And I made sure I allocated whole days or whole weeks of NO BOOKS so that they could play to their hearts' content.
There was a constant process of watching and adjusting. There was a lot of trust and dialogue. I worked them hard but I made sure that I was there to encourage and listen to their problems. But they still owned their study process. I proposed a work schedule and they decided if they could manage. More often than not, they would ADD in stuff and tell me \"Mommy, I can try.\" They knew that the PSLE was an important exam.
I also built in a natural reward into the work schedule. If they somehow did their work fast and well, they had that extra time to play. I never gave more work when they finished theirs earlier than I had expected. And whenever I could, and they had finished earlier than expected, I would take time off work to play with them. Go somewhere they wanna go... do something they like... together.
Results
The Daughter placed consistently in the top 3 places from P5 to Sec 2. In Sec 3, she was handpicked for an accelerated program where the others were smarter and just as driven as she. To keep up, she really pushed herself. End Sec 3, she was in hospital with pneumonia, a result of 2 months of flu and insufficient rest. She was so motivated that it had become a problem. I went to school and got an exemption for one month of homework... plus I locked up her laptop. She vegetated at home that month.
Little Boy is now in P5. He looks at the work schedule that we worked out and if I decide to delete an item, he will say \"Leave it in Mom. I will try.\"
Unfortunately, The Daughter's Chinese marks at 'O' levels went down to the 50s. She hated Chinese and rebelled completely against Grandma's micro-managing ways. Little Boy's Chinese dropped to 79 for the first time in end-P4. So, I've taken over Chinese from Grandma too... and I'm doing it my way now. Read a lot, have a lotta fun, and to hell with textbook. I will be introducing exam practices later in the year however. Learn and have fun first. Drill later.
Both drill and no-drill are important to me.
My Objective
I don't need my kids to be the best in class... but I want them to be the best they can be. If what they can be is 80+, then fine... and seriously, The Daughter's class now is full of people who are so smart she and I feel stupid. That's fine. We're not as smart. And we don't need to be.
She got where she was not because she was smart, but because she was motivated. Motivation can get a child farther than a parent's best wishes and most beautiful dreams. The Daughter is no longer at the top of her class anymore, but that is fine because I know she has reached her potential and maybe even a little beyond. The same with Little Boy. I know he can manage 90+ in every subject if he wants to. Even Chinese.
The trick is to make them want to. And the first step is to turn the ownership of the study process over to them... and make them own it. This should be done early enough (I think). I have just sacked Grandma and turned the ownership of Chinese over to Little Boy. He used to roll his eyes when Grandma complained he was slow. Today, in the car, he said \"Mom, I have a problem. I am slow in my compo. Others have done 1.5 pages, I've only done 1.\"
He now owns his problem and I play the familar supportive role \"Oh never mind... you keep on reading those books and one day, the grades will come. I promise\" and I look at him with a confident smile. This way, he will keep on trying... and he will end up where he ends up in Chinese. And I will still be happy even if it isn't 90+.
Not the Only Approach
I consciously took an approach where I focused first on Foundational Study Skills to the detriment of grades. It worked for me. I am sure there are other parents who focused on both at the same time quite successfully. I am sharing my story because it isn't a usual approach, but it worked for me.
I showed the article to DS1 and DD1 yesterday. DD1 said, \"Mom, you are more a Western mom.\" in the afternoon. In the evening, DS1 said, \"Mom, you are definitely a Chinese mom. You made me study till late when I was P1, you made me practise on the piano until I perfected every technique. The only difference is you've never insulted me.\"
I sat DS1 down for a short chat that lasted two hours. (DS1 is now 16 and into his final year in the university and he has gone past his teenage rebellion (which didn't last very long anyway). Over the last two weeks, DS1 has been excited about finding the right PhD program and hoping to complete his postgrad degree before he enlists for NS at 21. We all thought going to the army at 17 ahead of his peers is not a good idea.) We discussed why I did the things I did, how I have 'evolved' as a mother, and how it has all been a learning process for me as well. In the end, he agreed the Chinese mother method did work, minus the discouraging, scary parts, replaced with love and encouragement, and given the rights to discuss his interests.
With DD1, I've never had to be a Chinese mother. If I had been, it would be really painful for the both of us. I knew it from the start. She is motivated by nature, and always wanting to do well. Her nursery teacher told me that she will be 'somebody' when she was only three. DD1 will be starting her uni this year at 14, entering the uni with an exceptional GPA of 3.9 out of 4, without me ever knowing her syllables. Instead of asking her to work hard, I had to ask her to go and sleep most nights. From young, she had never allowed her spelling or tingxie to fall below 100%. For a disciplined child, more discipline would only cause anxiety. So with DD1, I gave a lot of leeway, but I was always strict in that she could not go out and hang out with her friends in shopping centres or fast food restaurants. She could go for movies, for a meal and to buy stuff, but never to hang out.
If we read Amy Chua's book in totality, she admitted in the end that when Lulu rebelled at 13, she went through a very dark part of her life. Fortunately for me, my son never rebelled, maybe because I was blessed enough to have many children (5 in total) to worry about that not all the attention was on him. Also, I have never forced him to do beyond his potential.
I've never thought I'm a great mom, but I was always happy with my children's small achievements. But with DS2, I was totally thrown off track. I have no clue what to do with him. This child is tested profoundly gifted and was also diagnosed with ASD. Though gifted, his learning capabilities were totally impaired by anxieties. I went through the whole healing process with him. Some will remember the dark moments I went through last year as well. There was misdiagnosis, wrong methods, ambitious program, KPI-driven schools and teachers which all went wrong. I turned to even more professional professionals and spent lots and lots and lots of money with no expectation or hope, just doing these routinely as a mum and proving to the educators that I was doing something. To my BIG, BIG, BIG surprise, he made a 180 degrees change just over two months when I found the right help. He is now beginning to function normally - just like he did when he was little. We are so happy with his change, and the teachers are surprised as well. He is beginning to learn again and I'm just so glad because he has discovered that he can learn in school.
With a special needs child who is exceptionally gifted with a learning impairment, I know the methods I have used for DS1, DD1, DD2 will not be totally applicable. I am also aware nobody can really help me because he is probably one of only 2 or 3 in Singapore and maybe one of at most 100 in the world. I'm resigned to the fact that I'm pretty much on my own with ad-hoc help from friends like those on this website. I'm still learning and discovering what's the best way to realize DS2's potential. Although I do not know how yet, and therefore cannot have a plan like Chenonceau's, I know I will be fine as long as I am willing to learn and adapt accordingly. Parenting is indeed a learning process: for me, for Amy Chua, for you and for every mother or father. I guess that's the fantastic calling we are privileged with. -
Thanks so much, Chenonceau and 2ppaamm for your invaluable sharing.
After reading your posts, I felt I have to reflect on my role as an Asian Mother. Inevitably, our society has made us behave somewhat like Amy Chua, or rather had made me. I am a SAHM, ex-teacher and have 3 girls. My eldest will be 9 this year, followed by my 5yo and the youngest turning 3 in Oct.
All along, I had viewed achieving excellence as the topmost priority in all domains of my girls' activities, especially so for my dd1. I started her rigorous routine before she started her formal education in Primary school. She learnt the piano and swimming. She had come in tops for two consecutive years in her school and outdone almost all her peers. She would be taking her grade 5 piano theory and practical exams this term. It was tough at the beginning because of our power struggles, but recently, I had seen a change in attitude. I realised after she had tasted the fruits of success and diligence, she developed an intrinsic motivation to work harder. She no longer needed my help in her work, she would do everything cheerfully and willingly, occasionally with my guidance. She devised her own way of learning and had become more auto-pilot. I am thankful for this change because I never want her to feel that she should give up easily. I believe in her and will not accept a \"I can't do it.\" as an excuse simply because I know it's a mismatch to her personality.
While on the other hand, I see a different learning style from my dd2. I know I shouldn't compare her with dd1, who since young, had exhibited a more focused attribute, a superb memory and also a fast acquisition of knowledge. I realised my dd2 is easily distracted, has shorter attention span and somewhat unretentive of information given. However, after reading your posts, I knew what I used to do with my dd1 is not going to work for dd2. I have to learn to understand her all over again. I hope I am not too late. I realised she is a giving, endearing, candid child who is willing to learn, but shadowed by her elder sis's achievements. She tries to live in her elder sister's shoes which proved too big for her fill. I realised that if I continue to impose my expectations on her, it'll probably ruin her and push her further away. I agree with 2ppaamm that parenting is a learning process, and I have to learn to adapt accordingly. Since she is still young, I am going to try out Chenonceau's approach and hope it'll work out for dd2. Also, I have to remember there is more to my girls' well-being than just academic excellence or excelling aesthetically. Thanks for the prompt reminder. I need to learn from more experienced mummies like you, really appreciate that.
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E3:
dd1, who since young, had exhibited a more focused attribute, a superb memory and also a fast acquisition of knowledge. I realised my dd2 is easily distracted, has shorter attention span and somewhat unretentive of information given.
Unless you have DD2 tested, it won't be clear that DD1 is smarter etc... Intelligence manifests in different forms. The Daughter always seemed smarter than Little Boy. She is extroverted you see. She speaks as she thinks and from there, it was clear that she had a good mind.
Little Boy needs to process things for about a week before a piece of gold drops from his mouth. For example, a neighbour asked Little Boy how old he was when he was 4. His jaw dropped to the floor and the lift came and went before he found his tongue. When I asked him why he took so long to answer. He said he needed to think.
\"Think?\" I screeched silently inside. \"Think what? You KNOW how old you are. Just say lah...!!\"
I seriously thought he was far less clever than The Daughter who could chat and charm the socks off Santa Claus and had a clever repartee for everyone. The Daughter babbled recognizable words at 9 months. Little Boy was 2 before he opened his mouth and articulated a COMPLETE SENTENCE, no less.
Yet, the Little Boy who dropped his jaw at a simple question was the same one who at 3.5 years explained to his best Aunty friend that he had found a way to make his Mommy do what he wanted... \"I ask, and my Mommy say 'No'. I ask and I ask and I ask and my mommy say \"Yes\". What was amazing was that he had not only figured it out, he could articulate it clearly and with insight.
On another occasion, I was trying to soothe Little Boy's hurt feelings by telling him that he was a special boy for some specific reason. He came back to me after 5 to 10 minutes of reflection saying \"Mommy, I am not the special one. You are. You do things differently from other mommies and that is what makes ME different and special\". He was 4. Go figure how his little brain had gone and done all the mental acrobatics in order to push the logic that far eh?
I realised that Little Boy just needed time to think through events and data from every possible angle before he concludes... and that he was often very insightful in his conclusions. He takes longer to respond, and seems unresponsive. He won't commit, so he seems to not be able to retain info.
But in truth, he retains everything and analyzes everything and often pushes the logic farther than what any other one of us in the family does. This helps him do well in Science.
For a long time, I worried that he was dumb. I never told him though... And slowly, his own brand of intelligence came through clearly and it was different than his sister's. Very different.
In fact, his sister feels intimidated when he joins in our current affairs discussions. His sister thinks it is embarassing to lose a point of argument to Little Boy's implacable and coherent logic. I had to ban him from our discussions for a bit till his sister had developed a bit more confidence. They are 7 years apart.
DD2 could be MORE intelligent than DD1, just differently so... It may be premature to conclude that DD2 is inferior to DD1 on the points you mentioned? It is even more important to steel yourself to have faith and to believe in DD2 simply because you probably naturally don't as yet.
It was a struggle for me to keep believing in Little Boy. -
insider:
Thanks insider. I am aware of people's reactions towards my two girls. It doesn't help when dd1 outshines her. That's why I have a soft spot for my dd2. I will remind others of dd2's sweet nature. I guess being the middle-child, she has learnt to be more sensitive, and constantly aware of her surroundings in order not to make the same mistakes made by her sisters. She is also more independent, as she would prepare the stuff her Kindy teacher told her to bring to school for show-and-tell herself. After she had found the stuff, then she'll inform me. Dd1 depended on me to prepare for her when she was in Kindy. Now, at times, she still does that. She'll say I am busy, can you help me look for...First-borns do have their privileges.
I am constantly aware of the differences in their learning styles, temperaments, etc, and I know their strengths and weaknesses. It's only if those teachers could be kinder not to let my son feel so inferior and small and shamed, esp in front of the whole class of other children... (I didn't visit the school to protest for such nasty comparison. I told my son that though academically he is nowhere close to his sister who has photographic memory, he does have several qualities that his ultra stable sister does not have and he should always feel good about himself and discount those words that were meant to put him down though they were meant to be with good intentions. ).
Children are wonderful...Chenonceau:
You are right. Everytime dd2 doesn't seem to know the stuff dd1 already figured out at her age, I will feel a little exasperated. If I don't get fast responses from her, I will start thinking negatively on what could have gone wrong with my approach or is there a disability in dd2? Is she dyslexic? Is she hyperactive? She doesn't seem as \"settled\" as dd1. At times, like your Little Boy, she'll make similar comments like, \"I am thinking.\" or \"Let me think.\" However, I noticed that although she started speaking slower, she is the most expressive now. She outtalks dd1 in both languages. Dd1 was only fluent in mandarin at her age because she was under the care of grandparents. She picked up English only at about 4 plus after I stopped work. Perhaps, I got anxious seeing that dd2 seemed less focused, so I started working with her earlier as compared to dd1. Although she's making babysteps progress, but I guess I'll have to also watch my pace so that I don't cause her to lose interest. Most importantly, she has to enjoy the learning process. Thanks again for your sharing.It may be premature to conclude that DD2 is inferior to DD1 on the points you mentioned? It is even more important to steel yourself to have faith and to believe in DD2 simply because you probably naturally don't as yet.
It was a struggle for me to keep believing in Little Boy. -
As I read the article posed by the TS, I cant stop but ask myself, "Are we becoming more like western parents?"…
Some parents are following advise from western experts and some western nanny programs… Some of us are not bringing up our chlid like how we are brought up anymore -
As I think through this article, I begin to also look at the difference between my American friends, both Asian and the white.
The Asians, particularly those who migrated to the US in their childhood, or 1st generation to be born there, tends to be more driven and do better in school. Many of the Asians, be they Chinese, Korean or Vietnamese, went to top unis (though not necessarily the Ivies due to the cost). They do well at work and are good employees. The whites are generally more laid back, more outspoken and confident. They also enjoy sports.
Despite being academically superior, we rarely see any Asians who are successful entrepreneurs or hold C-level positions at big MNCs. We see many Asians doing very well in piano and violin at a young age, but not many are world renown musicians as adults. I can’t think of any really successful entrepreneurs apart from Yahoo’s Jerry Yang and YouTube’s Steve Chen, both of whom were from Taiwan and went to US as a boy. For top positions in big MNCs, I can only think of Nelson Chai (former CFO of Merrill Lynch), a US born Korean. For politicians, I can only think of Elaine Chao (Labour Secretary in George Bush’s cabinet). On the other hand, we see most leadership positions held by the whites (though increasingly, we’re seeing more Indians). The most successful entrepreneurs are also predominantly white.
I suppose how we bring up a child does make a difference to what they become in adulthood. The method a parent uses really depends on the child’s temperament and inclinations and how much the parents can let go. There’s nothing wrong in either outcomes. But Amy Chua’s method is unlikely to bring up an entrepreneur (though a child brought up under such circumstances may develop a rebellious streak and turn entrepreneurial). But then again, there’s nothing wrong in being a mid-level employee with a comfortable pay check. We don’t need to raise an entrepreneur or CEO.
But I think there may be some value in looking at how the Taiwanese and Koreans raise their kids. They’re amongst the most entreprenerial amongst the Asians (not just in US, but also in their home country) and are also filial and respectful towards their parents. 1 of my daughter’s friend, a Korean boy, told me, to them, their father in like God. Such is the profound respect a Korean child has for his parent.
At the end of the day, more than getting the grades or qualification, I feel that the best thing a parent can do for their children is to help them discover their interests, strengths and weaknesses so they can end up pursuing what they enjoy and can excel in. It’ll be really sad if they got pushed into doing something they have no interest in when they could have excel in something else. -
Just for laughs, see this girl's satirical take on Tiger Mummy's article.
http://shanghaishiok.com/2011/01/14/why-chinese-girlfriends-are-superior/
I'm not a practioner of any of the habits she describes, but I sure know girlfriends who are!
-
toddles:
:rotflmao:Just for laughs, see this girl's satirical take on Tiger Mummy's article.
http://shanghaishiok.com/2011/01/14/why-chinese-girlfriends-are-superior/ -
Just my 2 cents… I believe that if you are forced into doing sth that you aren’t interested, it is not possible to give your best. Although mrs chua may think she knows the best for her child, let her daughters have a say too, then they can come to an agreement. Forcing a child to do what u want them to do because u think it’s the best might give excellent results at the beginning, but if the child isn’t interested in it, how do you continue all the way past adulthood and beyond?
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