How to teach children to handle bullies

[hihikitty]

jtoh:

Funz:

Sometime after the June holidays last year, DD became a bit emotional and was not as enthusiastic about school. There were a couple of days where she came home with her eyes swollen from crying. Found out from her later that a girl in her class has been scolding her and telling everyone not to be her friend. She mentioned this girl many times before, some incident involving herself others of that girl and her other classmates.


Well I told her if that girl is so nasty then stay away from her instead of seeking her out to play with you. And if that girl be being particularly nasty for no reasons, let the teachers know. It seems the girl will do things like scold her friends or throw their stuff across the room and such.

Towards the end of last year and early this year, I keep hearing DD talking about this girl again. But this time, it seems she keeps including this girl in her little 'plans' be it bringing snacks to school to share with friends, to exchange stickers, etc. I asked her if the girl's attitude has changed. She said actually no, she is still as nasty. I asked her then why is she including that girl in all her 'plans'. She said Mummy, she is in my group, there is no avoiding her as I have to work with her. So I am trying to turn her into my friend. If I am her friend, maybe she will be nicer and not scold me all the time.

Her version of Sun Tze Bing Fa, keep thy friends close and thy enemies closer? Haha. Anyway, I told her that is a good idea but do not let it become a situation where you keep having to buy her favour. DD actually scoffed at me and told me please lah mummy, I am not buying her favour, I am just including her in my 'plans' so when she gets nasty, and I exclude her, she will feel the loss.

Damn, is that my scatter brain, emotional DD talking? Sounded a bit sociopathic.

Smart girl!

High EQ. A natural people mgr.

[baglady]

Funz:

She's in P2 this year.

Wow v impressive! Useful skills for corporate world when she grows up!! My boy is a bit 'sotong' when it comes to such things. He doesn't really bother with bullies and just ignores them. Maybe it's not a bad thing! Or maybe he's still too young? He's 28 mths.

[toddles]

baglady:

Funz:

She's in P2 this year.

Wow v impressive! Useful skills for corporate world when she grows up!! My boy is a bit 'sotong' when it comes to such things. He doesn't really bother with bullies and just ignores them. Maybe it's not a bad thing! Or maybe he's still too young? He's 28 mths.

haha! I dunno whether I'd be impressed or worried if a 28 mth old could pull off such social manoeuvers...

[snowman.022851697]

Ignore bullies = deviates bullies’ interests from him (bullies want to see the reaction as well) = no more bullying


Talk back to bully = bully gets excited = quarrel = fight = weird things happen = adults intervene = both parties punished.

Talk back to bully = make bully excited = encourage bully to bully more (thats the kind of reaction he wants so that he can ‘intimidate’ the victim more) = more bullying

[Chimmy]

snowman.697:

Ignore bullies = deviates bullies' interests from him (bullies want to see the reaction as well) = no more bullying


Talk back to bully = bully gets excited = quarrel = fight = weird things happen = adults intervene = both parties punished.

Talk back to bully = make bully excited = encourage bully to bully more (thats the kind of reaction he wants so that he can 'intimidate' the victim more) = more bullying

This is the advice that many books offer and what experts recommend. However it does not always work. My son has been ignoring all the namecalling but the taunting continued and more boys joined in. He is seen as an easy target. Many mothers say that the victim should shout back and it solved the problem for their kids. Sometimes, situations are not that simple. Teachers tend to just say 'ignore the bully' and 'don't be so sensitive' or that 'boys will be boys'..... While as an adult, we have the maturity to handle such situations, a young child or teen needs more constructive help and teachers and parents need to actively teach kids in their care that such teasing is not okay.

[Chenonceau]

Maybe you try this...


1) Find a resource that the other boys really like. Something with cool factor. Something that others can't or won't get from anywhere else at least in the beginning. Use that resource wisely to garner support and good reputation.

2) Talk to your boy EVERYDAY and debrief what went on in school and how to defuse situations. To do this you need to hold your emotions in check. It will be tempting to get angry. Don't. Approach the events of the day coolly and logically. Strategise how to deflect bullying and garner support. I taught my son to avoid and to refrain from retaliating. However, I made sure I was there to provide emotional support everyday. It was a 3 month long ordeal of everyday problemsolving. Debrief every event and help him to deflect. At the same time, you are also providing emotional strength and support. You msu stay close to your son because you don't want him turning to secret societies for protection. YOU must provide the unflagging support.

3) Teach your boy to lie low and await opportunities to strike back. This can be a long wait because you want an opportunity that allows you one HARD strike that puts them outta action completely. With my son, I waited 3 months. The opportunity came when the bully stole a textbook from my son, rubbed away my son's name written in pencil and wrote his own in pen. However, the depressions on the page made by the pencil were still there as evidence. I went to school and threatened to involve the police, saying it was a crime etc... Actually, I was waiting for the bully to punch my son. Your son must lie low because whatever punch comes his way must be COMPLETELY unprovoked. This makes it easier for the authorities to step in and decide who is in the wrong.

4) In secondary school, teachers and parents both have lessened control over social situations. Teachers' interventions won't help. Your son must learn to cope and you need to be there to help him think up creative ways of coping from one event to another. All the time, keep a lookout for the kind of opportunity that will allow you to strike HARD with the full support of the authorities and the law (if necessary). With my son, I kept telling him \"My love... the worst thing that can happen is that you get beaten up. You won't die. And you give Mommy an excuse to go there and put him in a boys' home\". As a result of my big (but still elegant) commotion about theft+school reputation+delinquent+crime+dun put stop to it the boy will turn into worse criminal, the school examined the bully's family background and placed him in mandatory counselling.

I don't believe in getting angry. But when I do, I make it count. I won't be happy with a mild \"stop bullying my son\". I want concrete measures and punishments that WORK!! Bullies are like that. Give them enough rope and they will hang themselves. So you give rope and give rope and give rope... and when the opportunity comes, you pull tight... and when you intervene it is with full force of the school's discipline and counselling structure.

Actually, as a parent, I make sure I do the necessary groundwork with the teachers. I actively build a relationship with the teachers and Heads. I am always positive about the school so when I actually do go to school to complain.... people take me very seriously. Even when I complain, I speak nicely and gently (in tone) but the content of what I suggest is tough. Harsh truths in gentle language commands respect.

Hope this helps.

[smurf]

Very clever, Chenonceau!

[Chenonceau]

smurf:

Very clever, Chenonceau!

:oops: Not really lah... I actually sound a bit evil... It's just that when my son was bullied, it brought out the worst in me...

I find it very hard to forgive people who have hurt my kids in some way. One girl copied The Daughter's essay WHOLESALE in Sec 1, and scored top marks whilst The Daughter scored 1 mark less.

Till today, I still feel irritated when I see the girl. :nunchuk:

[smurf]

Hmm, I totally understand. Coz my boy used to be bullied by other children, verbally.

[jtoh]

Chenonceau:

smurf:

Very clever, Chenonceau!

:oops: Not really lah... I actually sound a bit evil... It's just that when my son was bullied, it brought out the worst in me...

I find it very hard to forgive people who have hurt my kids in some way. One girl copied The Daughter's essay WHOLESALE in Sec 1, and scored top marks whilst The Daughter scored 1 mark less.

Till today, I still feel irritated when I see the girl. :nunchuk:

How did she manage to copy your dd's essay? Wasn't the teacher suspicious when she saw two similar essays?