Advice - Divorce or Not to Divorce

[Windy]

After reading a few stories realised something in common, those man are educated with good career path initially but very sad ending. Is it worth? If my HB still insist his unacceptable life style, will he get the similar ending I wonder??? I really want to help him but was always being turn down. I think only God can help him. Good luck to him. :roll:

[Ahmih]

insider:

If someone is your good friend, then you should know about her stamina in a sense how much stress she can take and whether if moving on with the marriage can do more good or harm.

When seeing friends in difficult marital issues, gotta do a 'situation analysis' for them on their financial and emotional health + physical safety and then plan accordingly. Advice and encouragement to divorce may have to be given in the event that you foresee your friend maybe hurt or or even killed if carry on to be in a marriage...

Thing about my GF, she tells me she and her HB now got taboo topics on: their relationship, the monthly household $$ allowance, intimacy and pretty gals on street.

When together, HB behaves like a good HB, she'll be 'gd' too. She used to be a chatty person, now tune down becos she feels he's not interested to hear her. She doesn't carry her full range of emotion or self. Like a 'lite' version of her character without her heart and feelings of emotions. Then when she goes see her counselor, she breaks down and cries. Counselor said she suppressing emotions... that's why...

The rest, if she brooches the topics, either her HB gets protective or claimed she's paranoid and over sensitive. So, best for her not to talk about them least the balance is upset. now her HB also careful about his bank details.

She feels it's so 'perfectly-patch' on the 'surface' but quite hollow inside. What does this tell? Can her marriage still work given time?

She's normal on most days and a goody mom. however, when she finds out her HB download porn, google at young gals or even MIA that she can't get him on phone, her 'Hyde' self emerges. She gets impatient and full of anger in her. No way to release them except diffuse internally and sometimes spill onto her kids. During such time, she can come across as 'mean' and a 'horror'mom' to people who don't know. She doesn't abuse her kids, just 'bad' in relating to them.

To continue her marriage, she has to 'suppress' her true self is that workable? Being herself, loyalty is topmost importance. I think she has great difficulty buying the message that her HB now = faithful. A tiny suggestion of otherwise will almost ignite her self-doubt and all the pain all over again. Poor gal....

[Windy]

Ahmih, I had the similar behaviour like your friend. I felt sorry for my children as I had change from a loving mom to an uncaring mom after I realised abt my HB affair. I am still thinking to divorce or not to divorce till today. As I am monitoring my HB, and found out that he had left the 1st PRO and he still call another PRO and check if she is working so he will go to KTV and sit with her. I had already told him that I am going to file a divorce and willing to change my mind if he determine to change but sadly he just came back from drinking tonight. :stupid: Sometime, I think maybe after divorce I can go back to my own self and love my children more. But the feeling of divorce is very insecure and lonely as I had already went for consultaion by a lawyer. I even call the PRO and warn her not to entertain my HB anymore. :x

[Busymom]

Hi Windy


Would you want to share what does the lawyer think should be your next course of action? Does he think you have a strong case or would you still need to have some hard evidence if you choose to divorce? Understand that it may not be advisable for you to say too much at this juncture, but perhaps wise Insider could give you some pointers to consider as well?

[Windy]

I will win the case as I had 2 confession note for adultery signed by him. Everytime when I caught him red handed, I will forced him to sign confession note, so I caught him twice. A letter which he would agreed with divorce if he visit the KTV again. A voice tape recording when his china PRO came over to my house and pour out everything. A letter to stated that a certain amount that he had agreed to pay to me every month. He will agreed to pay me 45% of his salary, our house and the children custody and he will not contest. He don't favour divorce as it don't sound good but no choice if I insisted. Told him that he can revoke if he had change his life style, but he will not change, I know. He don't want me to know any new guy after divorce, but told him I can't promise. We will still stay togather for the children and will not tell them until they grow older. This is my plan. :roll:

[Andaiz]

Windy:

We will still stay togather for the children and will not tell them until they grow older. This is my plan. :roll:

I agree with Insider that this may not be the best option as the children will learn this \"coping\" mechanism and see nothing wrong in being in an (emotionally) abusive marriage.

Windy, could you share why you want to still stay together? Is it to maintain some semblance of a family for the children? Not sure how old they are but would it not confuse them?

Could this arrangement be because of financial or other issues?

Just my 2 cts worth - if possible, try to make a clean break as possible. You can still be parents to the children - this is separate from your marital relationship (even staying under the same roof).

Windy:

He don't want me to know any new guy after divorce, but told him I can't promise.

That's another consideration....how're either of you (more you, than him I guess) going to tell the children when you meet someone you think you want to live the rest of your life with?

It's a very selfish request from him though.

[Ahmih]

Windy:

I felt sorry for my children as I had change from a loving mom to an uncaring mom after I realised abt my HB affair...


...Told him that he can revoke if he had change his life style, but he will not change, I know. He don't want me to know any new guy after divorce, but told him I can't promise. We will still stay togather for the children and will not tell them until they grow older. This is my plan. :roll:

Windy I think I understand how you feel. On one hand you have your kids best interests at heart and the other hand, your husband is causing a great injustice to your efforts through his actions and behavor.

Making a choice is never easy, especially when it involves more than jus yourself. My GF is swinging from one end to the other too. One moment she is going to sign on the line, the next, she gets soften by his words and slight 'good behavor'. Sure, maybe her HB 'sin' doesn't deserve a divorce, but it is no less 'sin' of the same nature, lust. And this can be a root for much misery be it now or later.

Another penny regarding divorce: Have to be prepare for a scenario where your HB default on the monthly alimony. My GF bro said the same to my GF. Some guys after a while or even immediately after divorce, they don't want to support their family. Then what are you prepare to do and what can you do. Know your options.

As for my GF, she had another session with HB and counselor and now HB 'sing' a different tune again. Saying porn is 'alright' since he cut down on his 'portion of time spent' and that he spent all his time with family now. What abt his pact with my GF? She stays so that he quits totally? Gone with the wind I guess. And he also avoided telling the new counselor that he had a prior agreement with the last counselor to follow-up with addiction problem. He told the counselor he didn't see any problems here at all. Except my GF, always looking at the negative - porn. Duh??? His words chilled my GF further. But she's also havn't got the courage to take that final step. It's a big decision afterall...

[mintcc]

Windy:

Told him that he can revoke if he had change his life style, but he will not change, I know. He don't want me to know any new guy after divorce, but told him I can't promise. We will still stay togather for the children and will not tell them until they grow older. This is my plan. :roll:

Glad you have taken the steps to protect youself. As for knowing a new guy after divorce. It will be non of his business even if you do. As for the children, I am not too sure that staying together and not telling them is the best. Perhaps you might want to do some research in the area on what is the best way to talk to the kids about the divorce...

[winth]

[buds]

Define broken... :idea:


Is it broken pieces ie.quarreling, no children maintenance,
EMA, (etc) .... within a family still bound together? Or is it
a family already separated by divorce? It seems tt some
posts refer to already separated family members and a
handful still together... as in living together and still
legally bound together on paper.