Raising Resilient Children

[Chenonceau]

Busymom... I wouldn't have done anything differently. It's good time to teach your daughter that friendship should not be bought (by not buying the 3 tubes of glitter glue, you've given action coaching). What I might have added is that friendships are often tested by such events and that if she is patient enough, a true friend will always come around (because I know that the little girls will forget the incident soon enough and be friends again). Meanwhile to get her through her pain, I will be very attentive and huggy and I'll let her know that Mommy will always be her friend...


Then I will wait for it to blow over. I find that moments when a child has just been hurt are wonderful teachable moments. So... in between offering your child emotional support to give pain relief, you would also help her a few steps towards understanding a healthy notion of friendship. Dun worry lah... you've done great.

:udawoman:

[Chenonceau]

Strparent, you’ve got a little Scrappy Doo there eh?


My DS got into a fight when he was THREE. His 4 yr old friend wanted to put the toad back into the swimming pool. He disagreed because I had told both boys that without a place to rest, the toad would drown. So, the 2 boys rolled around in the backyard (with the adults in the kitchen) a bit, he grabbed his friend and pushed him into the pool. His friend could not swim. Luckily we heard the splash and came out to fish the boy out before he drowned. I was quite at a loss what to do because the other boy’s Mom clearly expected me to give my boy a scolding, but my boy had done what he had done to save a toad’s life.

But I did tell him that if he had used his brain, he would have found another way to handle the issue that did not involve violence.

4 years later, he met a school bus bully. He remembered the lesson he had learnt and had enough self-control to come home and ASK me whether in that situation it was ok to throw a punch. My husband and I were tickled silly. He had actually bothered and waited to ASK!! Anyway, I said no… and I sat him down to generate a few avoidance strategies e.g., sitting far away… looking like he was asleep… looking indifferent.

2 years later he met a bully who pushed him up against the wall and threatened to kick his groin. That bully had changed places so many times that year because other parents had asked for him to be removed from their child’s table. I left my son next to him for 3 months. My son was so terrified that his schoolwork suffered. I asked for a place change only when my son lost his fear of the bully. One of the strategies we had devised and implemented worked so well that the school counsellor stepped in. My son hopped into the car that day and said "Every bully fears something more than I fear him. I will no longer fear bullies again."

Some weeks later my son came back and told me that the bully is quite a poor thing child because he is always beaten up by his father and older brothers. Inside every bully, there is a frightened child who has been made to give in to fear… so he learns to use fear to get what he wants. It seemed that DS had overheard the bully confiding in a friend. I was quite happy that DS had not only had learnt not to fear, he had also learnt to understand.

So, I guess 3 months of terror and poor grades were quite worth the life lesson.

[Strparent]

Chenonceau:

he met a school bus bully. He remembered the lesson he had learnt and had enough self-control to come home and ASK me whether in that situation it was ok to throw a punch. My husband and I were tickled silly. He had actually bothered and waited to ASK!!


\"Every bully fears something more than I fear him. I will no longer fear bullies again.\"

Some weeks later my son came back and told me that the bully is quite a poor thing child because he is always beaten up by his father and older brothers. Inside every bully, there is a frightened child who has been made to give in to fear... so he learns to use fear to get what he wants. It seemed that DS had overheard the bully confiding in a friend. I was quite happy that DS had not only had learnt not to fear, he had also learnt to understand.

So, I guess 3 months of terror and poor grades were quite worth the life lesson.

Chenoceau,

Your DS is really cool. Thanks for sharing , are you a child psychologist / counsellor or something ?

I am indeed impressed with his logical thinking, and self-restraint ! LOL, asking if okay to throw a punch, most boys don't have to think twice..... errr, boys from the past anyway. Nowadays too many softies due to mummies' overly protection - juz generally speaking, no offence. Boys will be boys, and there will come a time that you wont be able to be there to protect them, and will they be able to handle physical confrontations ?

But it's true what you said about bullies - normally there is a reason behind. From my personal experience, most bullies back off if you show no fear and confront back. I said most, because there was once in the amy, that theory failed me, and I got plummeted badly :censored: , LOL. But I still got up and fight again if called into action, so he knew I was beatable but not a pushover.

As for ScrappyDoo, his mum and aunt never fail to said \" Just complain to teacher la'. come on, this is the real world, and the teachers have enough problems. As long as he is not the one who starts, I wont blame him if he gets physical defending his or someone else being hantum.

[Chenonceau]

My dear Strparent… if I have to, I might myself throw the punch. In the wild days of my youth, I confronted a pickpocket in Spain, my knife in hand to get back my friend’s wallet. Of course, I was very young and very stupid then.


I don’t think I need to teach my son that it’s ok to throw a punch. My job is to teach him that it isn’t EVER ok to throw a punch because we live in a society of law and order. If he ever finds himself in a situation where he REALLY needs to throw a punch, he probably will. I’m not saying that you are wrong. We all lived through different things and see things differently. Also, I am a woman. Men and women see things differently. And it wouldn’t do for our Daddies to start thinking like Mommies.

I’m not a child psychologist. I’m an Industrial Organizational Psychologist. But well… in the past 2 years, I have come to realize that a lot of what I know professionally can be adapted for use with kids. Other things that I didn’t know about developmental psychology, I just read up the research and experimented. It’s been a good learning experience for me to bring up my kids.

[Sun_2010]

Strparent:

Boys will be boys, and there will come a time that you wont be able to be there to protect them, and will they be able to handle physical confrontations ?

Haha StrParent,
I agree .I mean we expect our kids to fend off a bully but i wouldnt want him to have a friendly tussle with his friends?
For me its ok to fight occasionally but not with vengence. Its ok for fun, its ok for defense.
Yes i am worried, kids dont fight with thoughts of consequence, they dont understand the what is dangerous, and i am a typical paranoid mum.
We do have ocassionally fun freestyle wrestling at home. started off as toddler cuddlings, but it is now a venue to let him know what is allowed and what is dangerous What should he do when he is hurt?
A little learning , a little fun

But realise of late, at 7 he can execute some kicks that my old bones cant take.

Reading this thread reminds me to start talking more about bullies and how he should react.

PS - Why do boys have to make sounds when they deliver their master strokes ?

[Chenonceau]

Sun_2010:

We do have ocassionally fun freestyle wrestling at home. started off as toddler cuddlings, but it is now a venue to let him know what is allowed and what is dangerous What should he do when he is hurt?
A little learning , a little fun

You've given me food for thought. I too worry about him not knowing the limits. That is why I say a blanket no to fighting. What better than play to teach him the limits?

Sun_2010, you're a wise Mommy and you taught me something.

[Funz]

Me I tell DS, you can play rough and hit and punch :nunchuk: Daddy as hard as you want. :evil: But with Mummy, you must always be gentle. :please: Only hugs and kisses and snuggles for Mummy. :hugs:

[Strparent]

Sun_2010:

Why do boys have to make sounds when they deliver their master strokes ?

Sun2010,

I don't know about young boys nowadays, but in the past, one of the inspirations for making irritating noise when showing yr kanghu were from this guy :evil:

http://i41.tinypic.com/24n1en4.jpg\">

Funz:

Me I tell DS, you can play rough and hit and punch Daddy as hard as you want. But with Mummy, you must always be gentle. Only hugs and kisses and snuggles for Mummy.

and Funz, you pian sim :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

but yes, it is a GOLDEN rule for DS also, he is not allowed to hit girls ( mum and DD especially ).
Think he got the message le ( after he kena mao by me , when he hit his sis a few yrs ago )

[autumnbronze]

Funz:

Me I tell DS, you can play rough and hit and punch :nunchuk: Daddy as hard as you want. :evil: But with Mummy, you must always be gentle. :please: Only hugs and kisses and snuggles for Mummy. :hugs:

Tee heee, that's what DH tells DS1

[markfch]

Strparent:

I DO NOT encourage DS to fight ( and he seldom does ) but boys will be boys. When you play football, basketball, rugby... fights and scuffles are common.

My situation is different. DS never hits anyone in his entire life. He just doesn't have that aggressive streak in him. Err, does that make him a softie by your standard? His defence mechanism is to avoid trouble by moving away, failing which he'll cry and complain to T. Edit: Ok lah, nowadays he seldom cries liao, but still complains.

I'm ok with that, as long as he has a way to 'defend' himself, and not just keep quiet while being pushed all over the place. Secondly, I'm also worry that someone may get seriously hurt during the scuffle - like your case of the bully hitting the floor hard.

Chenonceau:

One of the strategies we had devised and implemented worked so well that the school counsellor stepped in. My son hopped into the car that day and said \"Every bully fears something more than I fear him. I will no longer fear bullies again.\"

Erm, you know that I've to ask you this right? What strategy did you guys deploy? What makes a bully fear more than me fearing him? Quick, tell me, pleeease.