Raising Resilient Children

[markfch]

prata_queen:

We seem to have 2 camps replying to the original topic vs my post on male teachers. Sorry markfch for ‘hijacking’ your thread!

Don't worry about it. You're more than welcome to post here. I also get to learn from some of the tips provided.

Chenonceau:

And it looks like you're doing a fine job too... for if you don't have faith in your son, who else will?

Thanks Chen. Yalor, I'll never give up on my son.

[markfch]

insider:

If a child has a certain inclination towards something, over the long run, the child will still go towards that direction REGARDLESS of how parents try to mould /unmould etc. We may think that we have successfully achieved our 'objective' now by trying to do/advise something against something, but the long term effect may still be null. We may have lived in the illusion of that we have done something right for our kids but only time can tell whether such actually build or harm our kids in their overall emotional development journey (academic journey is always far easier to build than the emotional one)

Hey insider,
Your post worries me leh. I would hate to imagine that after all the effort - I certainly put in my share of the effort - I put in, in the end they'll all come to naught. :gloomy:

That's very sad isn't it? Surely I can mould and influence ds's character; I just need to find the right 'ingredients'.

Funz:

My biggest flaw is being too prideful. I did not like the idea of my child apologising when she has done no wrong. It is ok to still be friends with L but there is no need to go begging for her friendship. That is my pride speaking.

But .... but, that is not pride (the bad kind). That's just standing up for one's right. I would have told ds not to write such letters when it's obvious that he's not in the wrong. I would not stop him if he does, but then the rule I'll communicate clearly to him is, I do not want to hear any complains about L henceforth since he has made his choice.

[Busymom]

My DD also came to tell me something tonight, as she was telling me, I could feel my fever going up another notch and the splitting headache that I was having getting worse :mad:


She was sitting in a group of 5 girls during today's arts class. They were making rabbits with clay. Someone in the group commented that she doesn't like pink. My DD agreed that she too doesn't like pink. According to DD, someone then said pink colour is babyish. Yet another girl asked S why had she used pink to paint her rabbit if she doesn't like pink. S said that she thought pink looked nice on the rabbit. S then turned around and said that my DD was rude to make that comment about pink being babyish and questioning her about using pink if she doesn't like the colour. DD said she wasn't the one, S refused to listened and apparently no one owned up for making that comment. DD said she got into a big arguement with the rest as a result. Thereafter, S even told the arts teacher that DD didn't wash her paintbrush (which DD said she did) but got told off by the teacher instead to mind her own business. I guessed S wasn't happy and sort of told the whole group not to talk anymore, otherwise teacher would scold all of them.

When the lesson was over, DD tried to make peace with the all the 4 girls, but they apparently said no and it will be forever :roll: . As she didn't want to be without friends (this was in her own words and amongst the 4, there was someone whom she played with during recess everyday), she agreed to give them something nice in return - not sure if this was her suggestion or her friends' suggestion. The bribe is 3 tubes of glitter glue (not sure why it is 3 and not 4).

I asked her if she could have really said that pink was babyish but forgotten. She said no. She also said that she thought another person's comment about S using pink despite it being a colour that she doesn't like was rude. In fact, she was quite sure who made that second comment. I said to her then why didn't she turn to this other girl, TM, and ask her to own up saying that. DD said that she tried but got interrupted by S and she didn't have a chance after that. She also said she wasn't sure who made the comment that pink colour is babyish. I said this is a trivial thing to spend time arguing with her friends. If no one wants to believe her words, just ignore their comments and move on. She said she was afraid that if she didn't clear herself, S might complain to the teacher that she made that rude remark about pink colour being babyish. I told her she doesn't have to be worried about this, as that is just an opinion about a colour. There is nothing rude about it, just look at how teacher told off S to mind her own business about the paintbrush. DD said she is a chicken (yes she can be irritating so with her teachers in school), she is worried about getting scolded by the teacher.

I asked her what is she going to do about the 3 tubes of glitter glue. Buy with her pocket money? She asked if we have some at home. I said no, we do not! :mad: Told her that she shouldn't be buying friendship with bribes, especially if she believes she had not made those comments. To me, even if she had made those comments about pink colour, it is a moot point. She had gone to them to try to make up, but got rejected. To be accepted, she had to give them something nice. This is what I disagree with! Ask her if such friends are worth having? She said no. I told her that there is no need to buy those glue. She can go tell the other 4 girls that I said no. If they try to be difficult, she can go and tell her form teacher about it.

Would anyone have done this differently?

[Strparent]

I think too many parents are trying to impose their adult instinctive 'feelings and reactions' onto their DDs and DSs. They are just young children, we should just talk to them, and guide them and advise them.

Young children below 9 having friendship issues are common, but they will all blow over. They will look back and laugh next time - don't we all do that ?? :scratchhead:

markfch:

His answer was, \"I want to be kind, but if a big bully bullies me more than twice, I'll go report to the teacher.\" Oh yah, forget to add, my ds can be quite a complain king. That's his defence mechanism; a good one as I forbid him to retaliate physically if anyone hits him.

markfch,

I like this statement by yr DS. This is similar to what I advised to my DS when he was in P2 and then again in P5, when he encountered a tough bully. Only difference is the the physical part - boys ma. I thought scuffles and fights are part of the growing up process ? :oops: Even in the army, it is common, but usually soon after, all is forgotten and everybody gets on with each other again....usually.

I think for P3 and below, the incidents are minor. Different kids have different 'rough levels'. So it is not a big bully issue. When you reach upper primary and sec, similar cases are different.

For me, it is simple, do not retaliate the first time, warn him that if it happens again, you will fight back.....and mean it.

Everyone knows most bullies will back off if you are not afraid of them anymore.

In P5 there was this big boy who almost everyone is afraid of. He has been hitting , kicking many classmates, and all are a bit fearful of him when it comes to playtime. My DS was afraid of him the whole of P4. In P5, I told him enough is enough, stand up to him...and DS did. Maybe he got lucky, during the scuffle, the bully hit the floor hard, and started crying. That was that, no more nonsense from that boy. The other classmates were surprised and talked about the never-imagined scenario of the bully crying for days after that and so, a new policeman was born.

I DO NOT encourage DS to fight ( and he seldom does ) but boys will be boys. When you play football, basketball, rugby... fights and scuffles are common.

[Chenonceau]

Busymom... I wouldn't have done anything differently. It's good time to teach your daughter that friendship should not be bought (by not buying the 3 tubes of glitter glue, you've given action coaching). What I might have added is that friendships are often tested by such events and that if she is patient enough, a true friend will always come around (because I know that the little girls will forget the incident soon enough and be friends again). Meanwhile to get her through her pain, I will be very attentive and huggy and I'll let her know that Mommy will always be her friend...


Then I will wait for it to blow over. I find that moments when a child has just been hurt are wonderful teachable moments. So... in between offering your child emotional support to give pain relief, you would also help her a few steps towards understanding a healthy notion of friendship. Dun worry lah... you've done great.

:udawoman:

[Chenonceau]

Strparent, you’ve got a little Scrappy Doo there eh?


My DS got into a fight when he was THREE. His 4 yr old friend wanted to put the toad back into the swimming pool. He disagreed because I had told both boys that without a place to rest, the toad would drown. So, the 2 boys rolled around in the backyard (with the adults in the kitchen) a bit, he grabbed his friend and pushed him into the pool. His friend could not swim. Luckily we heard the splash and came out to fish the boy out before he drowned. I was quite at a loss what to do because the other boy’s Mom clearly expected me to give my boy a scolding, but my boy had done what he had done to save a toad’s life.

But I did tell him that if he had used his brain, he would have found another way to handle the issue that did not involve violence.

4 years later, he met a school bus bully. He remembered the lesson he had learnt and had enough self-control to come home and ASK me whether in that situation it was ok to throw a punch. My husband and I were tickled silly. He had actually bothered and waited to ASK!! Anyway, I said no… and I sat him down to generate a few avoidance strategies e.g., sitting far away… looking like he was asleep… looking indifferent.

2 years later he met a bully who pushed him up against the wall and threatened to kick his groin. That bully had changed places so many times that year because other parents had asked for him to be removed from their child’s table. I left my son next to him for 3 months. My son was so terrified that his schoolwork suffered. I asked for a place change only when my son lost his fear of the bully. One of the strategies we had devised and implemented worked so well that the school counsellor stepped in. My son hopped into the car that day and said "Every bully fears something more than I fear him. I will no longer fear bullies again."

Some weeks later my son came back and told me that the bully is quite a poor thing child because he is always beaten up by his father and older brothers. Inside every bully, there is a frightened child who has been made to give in to fear… so he learns to use fear to get what he wants. It seemed that DS had overheard the bully confiding in a friend. I was quite happy that DS had not only had learnt not to fear, he had also learnt to understand.

So, I guess 3 months of terror and poor grades were quite worth the life lesson.

[Strparent]

Chenonceau:

he met a school bus bully. He remembered the lesson he had learnt and had enough self-control to come home and ASK me whether in that situation it was ok to throw a punch. My husband and I were tickled silly. He had actually bothered and waited to ASK!!


\"Every bully fears something more than I fear him. I will no longer fear bullies again.\"

Some weeks later my son came back and told me that the bully is quite a poor thing child because he is always beaten up by his father and older brothers. Inside every bully, there is a frightened child who has been made to give in to fear... so he learns to use fear to get what he wants. It seemed that DS had overheard the bully confiding in a friend. I was quite happy that DS had not only had learnt not to fear, he had also learnt to understand.

So, I guess 3 months of terror and poor grades were quite worth the life lesson.

Chenoceau,

Your DS is really cool. Thanks for sharing , are you a child psychologist / counsellor or something ?

I am indeed impressed with his logical thinking, and self-restraint ! LOL, asking if okay to throw a punch, most boys don't have to think twice..... errr, boys from the past anyway. Nowadays too many softies due to mummies' overly protection - juz generally speaking, no offence. Boys will be boys, and there will come a time that you wont be able to be there to protect them, and will they be able to handle physical confrontations ?

But it's true what you said about bullies - normally there is a reason behind. From my personal experience, most bullies back off if you show no fear and confront back. I said most, because there was once in the amy, that theory failed me, and I got plummeted badly :censored: , LOL. But I still got up and fight again if called into action, so he knew I was beatable but not a pushover.

As for ScrappyDoo, his mum and aunt never fail to said \" Just complain to teacher la'. come on, this is the real world, and the teachers have enough problems. As long as he is not the one who starts, I wont blame him if he gets physical defending his or someone else being hantum.

[Chenonceau]

My dear Strparent… if I have to, I might myself throw the punch. In the wild days of my youth, I confronted a pickpocket in Spain, my knife in hand to get back my friend’s wallet. Of course, I was very young and very stupid then.


I don’t think I need to teach my son that it’s ok to throw a punch. My job is to teach him that it isn’t EVER ok to throw a punch because we live in a society of law and order. If he ever finds himself in a situation where he REALLY needs to throw a punch, he probably will. I’m not saying that you are wrong. We all lived through different things and see things differently. Also, I am a woman. Men and women see things differently. And it wouldn’t do for our Daddies to start thinking like Mommies.

I’m not a child psychologist. I’m an Industrial Organizational Psychologist. But well… in the past 2 years, I have come to realize that a lot of what I know professionally can be adapted for use with kids. Other things that I didn’t know about developmental psychology, I just read up the research and experimented. It’s been a good learning experience for me to bring up my kids.

[Sun_2010]

Strparent:

Boys will be boys, and there will come a time that you wont be able to be there to protect them, and will they be able to handle physical confrontations ?

Haha StrParent,
I agree .I mean we expect our kids to fend off a bully but i wouldnt want him to have a friendly tussle with his friends?
For me its ok to fight occasionally but not with vengence. Its ok for fun, its ok for defense.
Yes i am worried, kids dont fight with thoughts of consequence, they dont understand the what is dangerous, and i am a typical paranoid mum.
We do have ocassionally fun freestyle wrestling at home. started off as toddler cuddlings, but it is now a venue to let him know what is allowed and what is dangerous What should he do when he is hurt?
A little learning , a little fun

But realise of late, at 7 he can execute some kicks that my old bones cant take.

Reading this thread reminds me to start talking more about bullies and how he should react.

PS - Why do boys have to make sounds when they deliver their master strokes ?

[Chenonceau]

Sun_2010:

We do have ocassionally fun freestyle wrestling at home. started off as toddler cuddlings, but it is now a venue to let him know what is allowed and what is dangerous What should he do when he is hurt?
A little learning , a little fun

You've given me food for thought. I too worry about him not knowing the limits. That is why I say a blanket no to fighting. What better than play to teach him the limits?

Sun_2010, you're a wise Mommy and you taught me something.