Raising Resilient Children

[Sun_2010]

Strparent:

Sun_2010:

Why do boys have to make sounds when they deliver their master strokes ?

Sun2010,

I don't know about young boys nowadays, but in the past, one of the inspirations for making irritating noise when showing yr kanghu were from this guy :evil:

Thank god for him, it gives me a warning and time to react before the kick reaches me , haha

Strparent:

Funz:

Me I tell DS, you can play rough and hit and punch Daddy as hard as you want. But with Mummy, you must always be gentle. Only hugs and kisses and snuggles for Mummy.

and Funz, you pian sim :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

but yes, it is a GOLDEN rule for DS also, he is not allowed to hit girls ( mum and DD especially ).
Think he got the message le ( after he kena mao by me , when he hit his sis a few yrs ago )

With DD being 6 yrs older its the other way around at home. When she kicks the sheer force can send even me reeling back. I had to constantly remind her that no kicks allowed, especially when tussling with DS. He could fly outta the window with her donkey kicks :scared:

But probably its time I let DS know that Golden rule ...

[Sun_2010]

Chenonceau:

Sun_2010:

We do have ocassionally fun freestyle wrestling at home. started off as toddler cuddlings, but it is now a venue to let him know what is allowed and what is dangerous What should he do when he is hurt?
A little learning , a little fun

You've given me food for thought. I too worry about him not knowing the limits. That is why I say a blanket no to fighting. What better than play to teach him the limits?

Sun_2010, you're a wise Mommy and you taught me something.

Chen that would be a first. I have enormously benifitted from your sharings, the conscious deliberation behind actions to change behaviour and so much more.

Thats why we are here - to share and learn :hugs:

[Chenonceau]

markfch:

Err, does that make him a softie by your standard? His defence mechanism is to avoid trouble by moving away, failing which he'll cry and complain to T.

Mine was born aggressive. At 7 months, he fought with his sister over a soup spoon and guess who won the spoon and who ran away crying to hide her face in my hug. I was shocked too to see my baby reach out with clawed hands and scratch his sister's face from forehead to chin. Another time, I caught him BITING his sister with gums that had NO TEETH.

I have to temper his natural aggression by teaching him to move away and restrain his temper.

markfch:

Secondly, I'm also worry that someone may get seriously hurt during the scuffle - like your case of the bully hitting the floor hard.

That is my worry too. It wouldn't do to take matters in your own hands, cause grievous injury and then have to suffer the full consequences of the law. My fear is not for now. It is for later, when he reaches his prime... goes out to a pub and bashes up people because I have taught him that it's okay to. Or lets loose his punches and offends a teen gang wielding parangs.

markfch:

Erm, you know that I've to ask you this right? What strategy did you guys deploy? What makes a bully fear more than me fearing him? Quick, tell me, pleeease.

Strategies are developed for the situation so my strategy may not work in yours. In our case, both children were in lower primary. Kids that age all fear teachers. Also, our schools have rules and discipline. I needed a strategy that would stimulate the application of the school's disciplinary processes.

I noticed that when other Mommies complained (because us Mommies had talked before about this bully) the teacher always said that both children were at fault, and therefore he refused to take any action against the boy apart from a scolding and getting his Father in.

Since I was working towards a counselling solution, I told my boy a few things
(1) Don't provoke him... avoid him... do everything you can NOT to start anything
(2) Wait long enough and he will STILL punch you or do something so wrong that I can pursue it and not let go till a counsellor is brought in
(3) A punch won't kill you but the Teacher will go for him
(4) Keep a tight rein on your fear and your temper
(5) I am here for you. Whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger.

Our strategy was simply to wait (coiled to strike) for the inevitable and then push our advantage there. If you give a bully enough rope, he will hang himself. Which the bully did, because he became more and more reckless... and one day, he stole my son's textbook, rubbed off my son's name and wrote his own.

It was THEFT.

At that point, I went to the school and presented the case to Teacher, HOD and VP. All 3 went into a fair amount of sabre rattling whilst I stood by and looked... and my son stood by and looked. The bully was absolutely petrified then, and that was the point when my son learnt that bullies too are afraid of something. You just gotta find out what it is and make it happen for them.

A bullying situation is exactly that, it is a SITUATION. This means that it involves more people than just the bully and your child. If you can read the situation and harness counter measures inherent in the situation such as...
(1) having other good friends who will stand up for you
(2) making sure you look so completely innocent so the Teacher KNOWS who to punish
... then you don't have to hit anyone. Knowing my son, if he has to hit someone to save his life, he will... because that is in his nature. Him being whom he is, I have to tame the beast, not let it loose.

Through it all I wanted to teach my son 3 things
(1) if you use your brain to THINK, there are other ways to stop the bullying
(2) control your fear
(3) control your anger

India achieved independence through a strategy such as this. Mahatma Gandhi adopted a no violence solution resulting in the international community putting pressure on England to give India its independence in 1947. If India had not won the first battle against colonial bullying, would Singapore have won ours? England was not afraid of India, but it was mindful of the rest of the world. To pull off the non-violence solution, Gandhi had not only to have himself no fear... nor anger. He had to lead his people through fear and anger control.

I have known no other leader before nor after Gandhi who could do that.

Shimon Peres is another good example of a man strong enough to master himself. He was a seasoned soldier... battle hardened. He had fought and killed or be killed. No one can call him a coward. But he pushed for peace in the Middle East because he knew that peace within a framework of law and order brings happiness to millions of people.

In general, I am not for the excesses of anger, threats and sabre rattling. These things can go down a slippery slope and where it all ends up is beyond control. I still go back to the idea that the kindest and gentlest people are the strongest people because they have learnt to master themselves. They're not afraid and they control their anger. And the lessons of peace (without being a pushover) began for my son from the age of three. What we teach our children to be... they will be that when they are grown. And when they are grown, they will define the world we live in. I want my son to love peace. A man of peace has no fear and no anger and that was what I wanted my boy to learn. These lessons apply in families too. Fear and anger are what leads to a lot of DIL and MIL problems but we all still need to live together in peace without coming to blows just because one party bullied another?

Still... when a man must fight, then he has to... and he has to know how.

[Chenonceau]

Sun_2010:

Chen that would be a first. I have enormously benifitted from your sharings, the conscious deliberation behind actions to change behaviour and so much more.

Thats why we are here - to share and learn :hugs:

Awwwwwwwwwwww! :snuggles:

[Strparent]

Nicely written , Chenoceau :celebrate:


No worries, I hear you and I understand you. And DW is also not afraid of no dark alleys. :imanangel:

Believe me, I am as peace-wanting as all of you , but I do know we do not live in a perfect world, and our kids must know that they will be instances that they cannot simply just cower and ask for help ( which may not be available sometimes ), they must know how to stand up for themselves and face their biggest fear.

My DS is even more peace-loving than me ( that should be easy though ) :evil: , but he will not allow bullies to take advantage or push him around. Like I said before, he is like a policeman, a few teachers had said that about him before.

My DD is the timid one, she is only aggressive against her brother :oops: because she knows the Golden Rule. However, I have a Joker card, so normally she gets it from me as well when she crossed the line. :nunchuk:

[Chenonceau]

Strparent:

My DS is even more peace-loving than me ( that should be easy though ) :evil: , but he will not allow bullies to take advantage or push him around. Like I said before, he is like a policeman, a few teachers had said that about him before.

So cute! Scrappy Doo!!

[Busymom]

Just wondering, would you send your son to some martial arts or self-defense classes? If yes, at what age?


I am kind of torn about this. Worried on one hand that he might hurt his friends in school in case of any dispute; on the other hand, think it is good to have some training for self-defense, just in case.

I know some parents send their children to attend such courses when they are still young.

Any thoughts?

[Busymom]

Chenonceau:

Busymom... I wouldn't have done anything differently. It's good time to teach your daughter that friendship should not be bought (by not buying the 3 tubes of glitter glue, you've given action coaching). What I might have added is that friendships are often tested by such events and that if she is patient enough, a true friend will always come around (because I know that the little girls will forget the incident soon enough and be friends again). Meanwhile to get her through her pain, I will be very attentive and huggy and I'll let her know that Mommy will always be her friend...


Then I will wait for it to blow over. I find that moments when a child has just been hurt are wonderful teachable moments. So... in between offering your child emotional support to give pain relief, you would also help her a few steps towards understanding a healthy notion of friendship. Dun worry lah... you've done great.

:udawoman:

:thankyou:

It is reassuring to hear that from you! :hugs:

Will be checking with her tonight if any of her friends make any comment about the incident again

[markfch]

Chenonceau:

Strategies are developed for the situation so my strategy may not work in yours. In our case, both children were in lower primary. Kids that age all fear teachers. Also, our schools have rules and discipline. I needed a strategy that would stimulate the application of the school's disciplinary processes.

I noticed that when other Mommies complained (because us Mommies had talked before about this bully) the teacher always said that both children were at fault, and therefore he refused to take any action against the boy apart from a scolding and getting his Father in.

Since I was working towards a counselling solution, I told my boy a few things
(1) Don't provoke him... avoid him... do everything you can NOT to start anything
(2) Wait long enough and he will STILL punch you or do something so wrong that I can pursue it and not let go till a counsellor is brought in
(3) A punch won't kill you but the Teacher will go for him
(4) Keep a tight rein on your fear and your temper
(5) I am here for you. Whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger.

Our strategy was simply to wait (coiled to strike) for the inevitable and then push our advantage there. If you give a bully enough rope, he will hang himself. Which the bully did, because he became more and more reckless... and one day, he stole my son's textbook, rubbed off my son's name and wrote his own.

It was THEFT.

At that point, I went to the school and presented the case to Teacher, HOD and VP. All 3 went into a fair amount of sabre rattling whilst I stood by and looked... and my son stood by and looked. The bully was absolutely petrified then, and that was the point when my son learnt that bullies too are afraid of something. You just gotta find out what it is and make it happen for them.

A bullying situation is exactly that, it is a SITUATION. This means that it involves more people than just the bully and your child. If you can read the situation and harness counter measures inherent in the situation such as...
(1) having other good friends who will stand up for you
(2) making sure you look so completely innocent so the Teacher KNOWS who to punish
... then you don't have to hit anyone. Knowing my son, if he has to hit someone to save his life, he will... because that is in his nature. Him being whom he is, I have to tame the beast, not let it loose.

Through it all I wanted to teach my son 3 things
(1) if you use your brain to THINK, there are other ways to stop the bullying
(2) control your fear
(3) control your anger

That's a good read, Chen. Yes, most lower primary kids are still afraid of teachers.

[corneyAmber]

Busymom:

My DD also came to tell me something tonight, as she was telling me, I could feel my fever going up another notch and the splitting headache that I was having getting worse :mad:


She was sitting in a group of 5 girls during today's arts class. They were making rabbits with clay. Someone in the group commented that she doesn't like pink. My DD agreed that she too doesn't like pink. According to DD, someone then said pink colour is babyish. Yet another girl asked S why had she used pink to paint her rabbit if she doesn't like pink. S said that she thought pink looked nice on the rabbit. S then turned around and said that my DD was rude to make that comment about pink being babyish and questioning her about using pink if she doesn't like the colour. DD said she wasn't the one, S refused to listened and apparently no one owned up for making that comment. DD said she got into a big arguement with the rest as a result. Thereafter, S even told the arts teacher that DD didn't wash her paintbrush (which DD said she did) but got told off by the teacher instead to mind her own business. I guessed S wasn't happy and sort of told the whole group not to talk anymore, otherwise teacher would scold all of them.

When the lesson was over, DD tried to make peace with the all the 4 girls, but they apparently said no and it will be forever :roll: . As she didn't want to be without friends (this was in her own words and amongst the 4, there was someone whom she played with during recess everyday), she agreed to give them something nice in return - not sure if this was her suggestion or her friends' suggestion. The bribe is 3 tubes of glitter glue (not sure why it is 3 and not 4).

I asked her if she could have really said that pink was babyish but forgotten. She said no. She also said that she thought another person's comment about S using pink despite it being a colour that she doesn't like was rude. In fact, she was quite sure who made that second comment. I said to her then why didn't she turn to this other girl, TM, and ask her to own up saying that. DD said that she tried but got interrupted by S and she didn't have a chance after that. She also said she wasn't sure who made the comment that pink colour is babyish. I said this is a trivial thing to spend time arguing with her friends. If no one wants to believe her words, just ignore their comments and move on. She said she was afraid that if she didn't clear herself, S might complain to the teacher that she made that rude remark about pink colour being babyish. I told her she doesn't have to be worried about this, as that is just an opinion about a colour. There is nothing rude about it, just look at how teacher told off S to mind her own business about the paintbrush. DD said she is a chicken (yes she can be irritating so with her teachers in school), she is worried about getting scolded by the teacher.

I asked her what is she going to do about the 3 tubes of glitter glue. Buy with her pocket money? She asked if we have some at home. I said no, we do not! :mad: Told her that she shouldn't be buying friendship with bribes, especially if she believes she had not made those comments. To me, even if she had made those comments about pink colour, it is a moot point. She had gone to them to try to make up, but got rejected. To be accepted, she had to give them something nice. This is what I disagree with! Ask her if such friends are worth having? She said no. I told her that there is no need to buy those glue. She can go tell the other 4 girls that I said no. If they try to be difficult, she can go and tell her form teacher about it.

Would anyone have done this differently?

Another vote from me for the same action. The kids are blackmailing yr girl emotionally...time should solve the issue and if it does not, then they were never friends to begin with as this issue is quite trivial to lose your girl as a friend.