Raising Resilient Children

[Chenonceau]

markfch:

Just let him read your post, insider. I think fear of being called sissy may have killed that habit of his. Thanks .... no need bear hug or death grip, haha.

You clever Daddy!! :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[Sun_2010]

markfch:

Busymom:

2. I will get to meet TM's mother in a couple of days at the upcoming meet-the-parents session in school. Should I have a word with her about her two DD

Any advice on which course of action I should take?

Just thinking out of the box here. What about buying TM a gift and praising her in front of her mum? If you praise high enough, you can be sure it'll reach TM's ears.

For one, it tells TM that you know her mum. Two, nothing motivates like a good comment. Three, a little 'bribery' can do wonders, keke. Four, it's less confrontational.

IMHO
My first reaction would be No way!

But on second thoughts I do believe, a person may not be as good as you tell them they are but will sure try hard to become as good.
But really that works if you genuinely think that the person is not very arrogant and is willing to change.
And you should not be feeling indignant.

For me and my ego, probably this would fail.

[Busymom]

Chenonceau:

Do you think this helps? http://petunialee.blogspot.com/2009/07/only-lovely-may-pass.html

:salute: beautifully written and I admire your truly positive attitudes.

Chenonceau:

There will be unpleasant people everywhere keen to pick a fight. Don't focus on them. The more unpleasant they are, the more irrelevant they should become in your life and your DD's. Why? Because the more you spend time thinking about such people, and spending energy dealing with them, the more you take time away from growing other friendships, learning other cool things, and helping others ...

Another timely advice! Maybe I'm getting old and becoming more grouchy.. seems to have less patience these days :oops:

Chenonceau:

I would teach my DD that such people are not worth the time of the day... whether to respond to or to deal with or to even think about. Hence, I would encourage her to avoid if possible, and if need to pick a fight, pick the right one. It's a hard lesson to learn but one worth learning because nothing great was ever achieved without the person achieving it in the face of detractors and haters.

Because of her happy-go-lucky nature (and also a bit blur generally), I feel that she does move on and doesn't think too much about it, until reminded (e.g. time to attend a particular class and you see her concern returning or will display some unwillingness to attend the class).

I have always been telling her to ignore ill meaning comments. Have also been telling her since her preschool days that not everyone can be good friends with her. It takes two hands to clap and there are friends who are worth making, and some who are not (some super competitive personalities will always find her a threat). My initial response was also no different this time, until the encounter with the elder sister which I thought was uncalled for and should be stopped, since there will be other encounters with the elder sister (same school, same external music teacher, participate in same concerts occasionally).

Secondly, the fact that the two have to sit together in class (the seating arrangement is allocated by the teacher, but it probably changes from term to term), it is really hard for DD to avoid getting bombarded on a daily basis by this person as long as they sit together... Hence I thought it is also time for DD to learn to be more assertive and protect herself. Like some of those girls were saying, that because she is so chicken... so meaning that she is an easy target to verbally abuse.

Chenonceau:

Ironically, as your DD grows in stature in other areas of her life and helps others more, these bullies' influence will wane... also, as your DD avoids them, there will be less too fuel the bullies' fire... and soon the fire will burn smaller and be easier to put out. You won't be able to achieve anything if you spend your time fighting petty battles.

As mentioned, because she is sitting next to TM, and in the same grouping for certain subjects with TM and a couple of TM's friends, it is hard for DD to avoid working with them. During recess, DD tends to play with the boys in the class. According to her, only herself and another girl (this is her good friend) are playing together with the boys. Not sure what other girls are doing though. I know she goes to the library quite often as well.

Chenonceau:

Of course, I know your problem isn't petty. It hurts and anything that hurts ISN'T petty. What I am saying is that you mentally MAKE it petty, and that might reduce the hurt.

I am fine with some hurt... but am just concerned about any possible long term effect on her.

Chenonceau:

At the same time, I would look for other ways to help my DD maintain a state of emotional equilibrium - other CCAs, family outings. AND, I would privately grumble once in a while about this girl and how unacceptable the behavior so that it helps my DD let out steam, and learn that the behavior is unacceptable. But I won't do this too much because the strategy is really to treat these people as if they don't exist.

I would also ask my DD about it on a regular basis. Enough attention from me to dress and disinfect the emotional wound so that it does not fester. If it festers, my DD will end up thinking all day about it.

Thank you, these are good concrete steps to bear in mind when dealing with such incidents in school.

Plus, learning from your caterpillar example, I have spent the whole evening yesterday baking cookies for her classmates. Not sure how effective cookies can be as compared to caterpillars afterall, once the cookies are eaten and get digested, the goodwill will also be forgotten... and maybe not everybody is as greedy as DD is about food...

Still, my two kids are more happy than anything to be able to play with dough and cookies cutters. So it was still an evening well spent, except that it was actually very tiring on my legs at the end as it was very time-consuming to do a small batch at any one time due to the capacity constraint of my oven...

[Busymom]

Funz:

Busymom:

Just today, the two met again in an external music class. They are usually not in the same class, but there was a group practice today. TM's sister (in the same primary school and at least 2-3 years older than the 2 girls) who was also there, apparently came to DD and said to her that she is the most stupid girl in the world. According to DD, TM did tell her a few days ago that her sister commented that DD is the most stupid girl in the world. DD doesn't know what was the incident that could have caused the sisters to make that sort of remark about her.

Oh boy! Deja vu. DD too had a similar encounter with her frenemy's older sister some time back. Out of the blue when the group of girls including L were playing, the older sis of L came up to DD and told her L will not be her friend as she is an awful person and a lousy friend and told DD to go away. When confronted like that by an older girl, DD was basically stunned. So she left the group and went to the library. Luckily for DD a few of the girls from that group joined her and that sort of cushioned the rejection.

:hugs: as a parent, it is sad to know such things happening to our precious, but it will be a bigger shock to me if I know that my child does this to another person, and especially to someone younger.

This is one of the reasons that make me think of speaking to TM's mother.

[LOLMum]

:ugogirl: all the best to your talk with TM's mum.


hope she is receptive to feedback and discussion and not be on the defensive and attack mode.

[Chenonceau]

Yuppy!! All the best!! Whatever it is you decide, go for it gal!!

[Busymom]

Strparent:

Busymom:

5. Don't do anything but wait for next year to see if something like that happens again??

6. Tell DD to ignore TM and her friends to the best of her ability. She doesn't have to respond to whatever they say

7. Tell her to \"fight\" back verbally so that this group of girls would stop targeting her. ?

Hi Busymom,

I am guessing that TM is quite a popular person in class, as some friends in the same circle seem to be mimicking her actions against yr DD. As you know, strength in numbers is very common. However, that is tantamount to be like bullying ( verbal ).

Hi Strparent, I am not sure if TM is popular in class. Maybe she has some better friends (which does not include DD), maybe she chooses to be nice to certain people (but not DD), maybe. All that I know is that TM wasn't invited to certain birthday parties... Then again, just hearing from DD, not sure if there were other reasons. And maybe DD also wasn't invited to all parties...

Strparent:

Anyway, I would choose option 6, to ignore them as much as possible. And that means forgo-ing the playing with them as well. She will lsoe a few so-called friends, but there are still others around. The best way to deal with bullying is to ignore them, yet showing them that you are unafraid and unaffected by their actions. As long as it does not come to physical bullying, why bother to fight back ? Then you become as bad as them.

Agree about becoming as bad as them. No, I didn't teach DD to retaliate by saying nasty things back to them. What I have suggested in terms of \"fighting back\" is to hit the ball back to their courts, or so to speak. For e.g., if TM says DD is the most stupid girl around, DD could ask TM to either prove it with exact incidents or to dare TM to say that to her teacher to prove it. If TM couldn't, at least DD shows that she is not taking insults sitting down. Or if TM says things like the teacher must to blind to choose DD as the class monitor, then DD can also just threaten to tell the teacher that. I feel that TM is doing all this to DD because it feels good to win, when you can't beat the other person on other things.

Strparent:

My DD had similar incident way before, but now she has a nice clique of friends who invite each other to their homes occasionally, and they always hang out together during recess and playtime. :please:

:please: this is so nice... and I wish that day will come earlier for DD. She has that in preschool including sleepovers, but so far, this hasn't happened in the primary school.

Strparent:

insider:

rolling eyes on an adult is a strict no-no, and its implication is the same as someone who is swearing.

I seldom see boys roll eyes coz its a 'sissy' behaviour. Your boy mixes with many girls and picked it up from them or learned from our hopeless local drama?
Emm...none of my kids dares to roll eyes in front of me (if behind my back then I don't know lah). If they do (when below 12) , first will be a talk, second time will be a reminder, third time one stroke, fourth time three strokes, etc.

LOL, so true Insider.

DD only started rolling her eyes when she was 10, but now after kena err, 'reminders'... she doesn't do it much anymore. It didn't help when some people said she looks cute rolling the eyes :slapshead:

DS never roll eyes, only do the STARE or GLARE - that was also stopped. Even now at 13, he knows he cannot get away with the STARE that easily with me :imanangel:

And swearing is a definite NO WAY JOSE :nunchuk:

About rolling eyes, actually I haven't seen it from my kids. Maybe need to pay more attention to see if they do anything like that or not.

But the \"yah yah\" reply, definitely have from DD.

[Busymom]

LOLMum:

:ugogirl: all the best to your talk with TM's mum.


hope she is receptive to feedback and discussion and not be on the defensive and attack mode.

Thank you, LOLMum.

Actually, I am really having second thoughts... maybe chicken out

[Busymom]

Chenonceau:

Yuppy!! All the best!! Whatever it is you decide, go for it gal!!

Thank you once again. Probably not today at the meet-the-parent. Given that it happens at the music class outside the school, maybe will be more appropriate at the upcoming concert.

Plus, if things don't turn out well, at least I know I won't have to face her for some time after the concert... If I do it today, I still have to face her next week... :rotflmao:

[Busymom]

markfch:

Funz:

DD did this eye-rolling thing with me when she was in P1 as well. It is one thing when a teenager does this to you but a 7yr old...hmm. Well to me it is a sign of disrespect and I had to nip it in the bud. Both her behaviour and what I did that triggered it.

You have this problem too? I think ds picked this bad habit up from the older kids in school. Between K2 and P1, for better or worse, he has lost a lot of innocence.

Funz:

The temptation to smack her at on the head to stop this behaviour is strong, oh yes, very strong.

Whoa you're fiercer than me. I was only tempted to slap the butt. Sometimes I think I've too much patience for ds.

Funz:

But yup, you're right, not gonna help. So sat her down immediately and told her I do not like that kind of response, it is rude and I expect better of her. I admitted that I should not have been talking over her and, well, essentially nagging, and we made a deal. She cannot roll her eyes at me or anyone for that matter and if she finds me nagging, she has to come up to me and tell me she gets what I am saying and to trust that she will act on what I was nagging about.

I also told ds it's rude to do that, especially to your parents. DS is reading this as I type. He says that it's not rude - this rolling eyes - to small children, it's just funny. I told him someone commented that this action is very sissy. If he does it again, that's what I'll call him

He said, \"No!\"

insider:

markfch, I seldom see boys roll eyes coz its a 'sissy' behaviour. Your boy mixes with many girls and picked it up from them or learned from our hopeless local drama?

Just let him read your post, insider. I think fear of being called sissy may have killed that habit of his. Thanks .... no need bear hug or death grip, haha.

Well done! You achieve your objective without lifting a finger...