Raising Resilient Children

[Chenonceau]

Yuppy!! All the best!! Whatever it is you decide, go for it gal!!

[Busymom]

Strparent:

Busymom:

5. Don't do anything but wait for next year to see if something like that happens again??

6. Tell DD to ignore TM and her friends to the best of her ability. She doesn't have to respond to whatever they say

7. Tell her to \"fight\" back verbally so that this group of girls would stop targeting her. ?

Hi Busymom,

I am guessing that TM is quite a popular person in class, as some friends in the same circle seem to be mimicking her actions against yr DD. As you know, strength in numbers is very common. However, that is tantamount to be like bullying ( verbal ).

Hi Strparent, I am not sure if TM is popular in class. Maybe she has some better friends (which does not include DD), maybe she chooses to be nice to certain people (but not DD), maybe. All that I know is that TM wasn't invited to certain birthday parties... Then again, just hearing from DD, not sure if there were other reasons. And maybe DD also wasn't invited to all parties...

Strparent:

Anyway, I would choose option 6, to ignore them as much as possible. And that means forgo-ing the playing with them as well. She will lsoe a few so-called friends, but there are still others around. The best way to deal with bullying is to ignore them, yet showing them that you are unafraid and unaffected by their actions. As long as it does not come to physical bullying, why bother to fight back ? Then you become as bad as them.

Agree about becoming as bad as them. No, I didn't teach DD to retaliate by saying nasty things back to them. What I have suggested in terms of \"fighting back\" is to hit the ball back to their courts, or so to speak. For e.g., if TM says DD is the most stupid girl around, DD could ask TM to either prove it with exact incidents or to dare TM to say that to her teacher to prove it. If TM couldn't, at least DD shows that she is not taking insults sitting down. Or if TM says things like the teacher must to blind to choose DD as the class monitor, then DD can also just threaten to tell the teacher that. I feel that TM is doing all this to DD because it feels good to win, when you can't beat the other person on other things.

Strparent:

My DD had similar incident way before, but now she has a nice clique of friends who invite each other to their homes occasionally, and they always hang out together during recess and playtime. :please:

:please: this is so nice... and I wish that day will come earlier for DD. She has that in preschool including sleepovers, but so far, this hasn't happened in the primary school.

Strparent:

insider:

rolling eyes on an adult is a strict no-no, and its implication is the same as someone who is swearing.

I seldom see boys roll eyes coz its a 'sissy' behaviour. Your boy mixes with many girls and picked it up from them or learned from our hopeless local drama?
Emm...none of my kids dares to roll eyes in front of me (if behind my back then I don't know lah). If they do (when below 12) , first will be a talk, second time will be a reminder, third time one stroke, fourth time three strokes, etc.

LOL, so true Insider.

DD only started rolling her eyes when she was 10, but now after kena err, 'reminders'... she doesn't do it much anymore. It didn't help when some people said she looks cute rolling the eyes :slapshead:

DS never roll eyes, only do the STARE or GLARE - that was also stopped. Even now at 13, he knows he cannot get away with the STARE that easily with me :imanangel:

And swearing is a definite NO WAY JOSE :nunchuk:

About rolling eyes, actually I haven't seen it from my kids. Maybe need to pay more attention to see if they do anything like that or not.

But the \"yah yah\" reply, definitely have from DD.

[Busymom]

LOLMum:

:ugogirl: all the best to your talk with TM's mum.


hope she is receptive to feedback and discussion and not be on the defensive and attack mode.

Thank you, LOLMum.

Actually, I am really having second thoughts... maybe chicken out

[Busymom]

Chenonceau:

Yuppy!! All the best!! Whatever it is you decide, go for it gal!!

Thank you once again. Probably not today at the meet-the-parent. Given that it happens at the music class outside the school, maybe will be more appropriate at the upcoming concert.

Plus, if things don't turn out well, at least I know I won't have to face her for some time after the concert... If I do it today, I still have to face her next week... :rotflmao:

[Busymom]

markfch:

Funz:

DD did this eye-rolling thing with me when she was in P1 as well. It is one thing when a teenager does this to you but a 7yr old...hmm. Well to me it is a sign of disrespect and I had to nip it in the bud. Both her behaviour and what I did that triggered it.

You have this problem too? I think ds picked this bad habit up from the older kids in school. Between K2 and P1, for better or worse, he has lost a lot of innocence.

Funz:

The temptation to smack her at on the head to stop this behaviour is strong, oh yes, very strong.

Whoa you're fiercer than me. I was only tempted to slap the butt. Sometimes I think I've too much patience for ds.

Funz:

But yup, you're right, not gonna help. So sat her down immediately and told her I do not like that kind of response, it is rude and I expect better of her. I admitted that I should not have been talking over her and, well, essentially nagging, and we made a deal. She cannot roll her eyes at me or anyone for that matter and if she finds me nagging, she has to come up to me and tell me she gets what I am saying and to trust that she will act on what I was nagging about.

I also told ds it's rude to do that, especially to your parents. DS is reading this as I type. He says that it's not rude - this rolling eyes - to small children, it's just funny. I told him someone commented that this action is very sissy. If he does it again, that's what I'll call him

He said, \"No!\"

insider:

markfch, I seldom see boys roll eyes coz its a 'sissy' behaviour. Your boy mixes with many girls and picked it up from them or learned from our hopeless local drama?

Just let him read your post, insider. I think fear of being called sissy may have killed that habit of his. Thanks .... no need bear hug or death grip, haha.

Well done! You achieve your objective without lifting a finger...

[Busymom]

markfch:

Chenonceau:

Kekekekeke!! I made fun of my DD at the rolling eyes stage. I told her that her eye balls will fall and roll on the floor, and quite away. A few times, I bent down and picked up her eyeballs. I also rolled my eyes at her to irritate her.


Then we talked.

This is funny and very creative. Gets everyone in the right mood for discussion and compromise. Next time I will adapt your method to handle ds's other idiosyncrasies. They will appear, it's just a matter of time.

Agree! Sometimes being funny can be more effective than \"nag until the cows come home\".

[Busymom]

markfch:

Busymom:

2. I will get to meet TM's mother in a couple of days at the upcoming meet-the-parents session in school. Should I have a word with her about her two DD

Any advice on which course of action I should take?

Just thinking out of the box here. What about buying TM a gift and praising her in front of her mum? If you praise high enough, you can be sure it'll reach TM's ears.

For one, it tells TM that you know her mum. Two, nothing motivates like a good comment. Three, a little 'bribery' can do wonders, keke. Four, it's less confrontational.

kekeke.. I know where you are coming from, especially about good comment motivates and do agree with you on that. But that would contradict myself in front of DD, when I told her she shouldn't buy friendship with gifts.

Ok, baking the cookies is also a bit of a bribe, but at least we are doing it for the whole class, not just TM.

[Busymom]

Sun_2010:

markfch:

[quote=\"Busymom\"]
2. I will get to meet TM's mother in a couple of days at the upcoming meet-the-parents session in school. Should I have a word with her about her two DD

Any advice on which course of action I should take?

Just thinking out of the box here. What about buying TM a gift and praising her in front of her mum? If you praise high enough, you can be sure it'll reach TM's ears.

For one, it tells TM that you know her mum. Two, nothing motivates like a good comment. Three, a little 'bribery' can do wonders, keke. Four, it's less confrontational.

IMHO
My first reaction would be No way!

But on second thoughts I do believe, a person may not be as good as you tell them they are but will sure try hard to become as good.
But really that works if you genuinely think that the person is not very arrogant and is willing to change.
And you should not be feeling indignant.

For me and my ego, probably this would fail.[/quote]ha ha... I also have super high ego... this will fail with me.

As to whether TM will change, I have only seen her once at a concert ages ago. Not enough to assess her personality other than hearing what someone said about her and her sister.

[Funz]

markfch:

Funz:

The temptation to smack her at on the head to stop this behaviour is strong, oh yes, very strong.

Whoa you're fiercer than me. I was only tempted to slap the butt. Sometimes I think I've too much patience for ds.


I also told ds it's rude to do that, especially to your parents. DS is reading this as I type. He says that it's not rude - this rolling eyes - to small children, it's just funny. I told him someone commented that this action is very sissy. If he does it again, that's what I'll call him

He said, \"No!\"

insider:

markfch, I seldom see boys roll eyes coz its a 'sissy' behaviour. Your boy mixes with many girls and picked it up from them or learned from our hopeless local drama?

Just let him read your post, insider. I think fear of being called sissy may have killed that habit of his. Thanks .... no need bear hug or death grip, haha.

Markfch, I am a mama bear whereas you are a teddy bear. Haha. I'm definitely fiercer.

That sissy label cured him huh? Too bad it cannot be applied to DD. Well she hardly rolls her eyes at me anymore. So I guess our deal worked out. More in my favour then hers cos I still nag at her.

[Funz]

Busymom:

Funz:

[quote=\"Busymom\"]
Just today, the two met again in an external music class. They are usually not in the same class, but there was a group practice today. TM's sister (in the same primary school and at least 2-3 years older than the 2 girls) who was also there, apparently came to DD and said to her that she is the most stupid girl in the world. According to DD, TM did tell her a few days ago that her sister commented that DD is the most stupid girl in the world. DD doesn't know what was the incident that could have caused the sisters to make that sort of remark about her.

Oh boy! Deja vu. DD too had a similar encounter with her frenemy's older sister some time back. Out of the blue when the group of girls including L were playing, the older sis of L came up to DD and told her L will not be her friend as she is an awful person and a lousy friend and told DD to go away. When confronted like that by an older girl, DD was basically stunned. So she left the group and went to the library. Luckily for DD a few of the girls from that group joined her and that sort of cushioned the rejection.

:hugs: as a parent, it is sad to know such things happening to our precious, but it will be a bigger shock to me if I know that my child does this to another person, and especially to someone younger.

This is one of the reasons that make me think of speaking to TM's mother.[/quote]Yah :hugs: to you too.

Problem with DD is she still wants to be friend with this girl. Told her choice is hers and she knows what L is like so DD will just have to grow thicker skin and let those hurtful remarks just slide off her.