Advice - Divorce or Not to Divorce

[Mamamal]

[quote]VVJJ, I had heard alot of people said that they suffered when they just divorce and it will take them 2 to 3 yrs to recover and lead a better life. I found myself in this early stage and suffer mentally. Especially when I saw a happy family, spouse holding hand, talking to each other. Those happy moment will appear in my mind and all gone now. May I know how do you walk out of saddness? Sad[/quote]
I am in the same situation as you, Windy. Though the papers have not been officially signed, hb has moved out, in a way separated. Have to keep telling myself that i have to be forward-looking and not look back... I am also telling myself to accept the truth, even though very often i have to pinch myself to remind myself that this is not a dream.

[VVJJ]

Hi Windy,


Of course life is never easy though i made up my mind to proceed with the divorce. For a start, i rented a place. I do not want to return to my parents place. Just wanted a place to reflect and move on. It’s tough. I will think of how that woman must be happy to take over my position. I put on a smile whenever there’s friends gathering. I envy my good friends for having doting husbands even till now. Same, I will eny those strangers who are holding hands, smiling to their spouses etc.

However, one can never be aone to fight this battle. It happened during that time one of my good friends went thru the same scenario as i do. We supported each other a lot during that period. At the same time, i started to mix with more colleagues and friends. I improved on my outlook. Ex husband ever commented that i’m fat after birth. This hurts me as i’m expecting twins during then and suffering cos of all his acts with that woman. How can he compare me to a woman who’s 16 yrs his junior? My aunt also told me that being a woman, one must have confidence in order to look good. I also concentratedon my career and kids. My career is important to me and i have wasted much time on my ex husband that i nearly lost my job. Kids are important to me and i have wasted much time on him that i neglected their feelings.

I don’t cope myself home now. Whenever kids are with their dad, i will out, either just plain window shopping or having coffee sessions with friends. This helps to take away memories of him.

Today, I still think of him occassionally. But i know things will never be the same. He has his family and I have my own life. My biggest regret is not able to give the kids a complete family, especially my sons. They will know my story when they grow up. But i will also not stop them from seeing their dad since he loves them a lot.

Windy, it’s not a easy path. I once nearly lost my life cos i thought it’s end of the world for me. I’m grateful I’m still here and sharing my experience with you. Be brave. There’s no right or wrong answer. Move on for whatever decisions you made.

vvjj

[fussyMummy]

Hi Windy


I divorced due to my ex have affair with my best female friend....is ridiculous right? But then it really happened...

Well, there was 4 years ago, and I already divorced... I can understand how you feel, as for myself not 100% get over for it. Not because of love, is those situation I face with...

My current colleagues all with happy family... Every lunch time they chit chat about their hubby, their family , I felt out and just keep silence with my meal...So even said she doesnt want to me single mum like her, she rather die.. You know the way she mentioned, just like take a knife and chop me off...

Sometimes bring kids to somewhere, sure have someone ask : where is your hubby/Where is your daddy (to kids)...Of course I cant tell whole world I am a divorcee right? Just smiles and change subject...

And there are 2 times I lost a job during interview, the reason is I am a single mum. The boss said I sure always on urgent leave due to kids sick or blah blah blah.... Upset very long about it, but what to do, life still need to move on...

Till now I dont wish to step into any relationship. One of the guy friend said my heart totally \"blocked\", dont allow even a tiny ant to step in... Is a joke or? I just smile...
And yet I darent to have any close female friend after get hurt...
I dont know how long more I stay like this \"situation\".... just pass a day by day... Work hard for my kids .

[Funz]

Gosh, as I read some of your accounts here, I cannot help but curse and swear at the men involved. I can only imagine the blow dealt to your confidence and self esteem.


I had a friend who dropped everything including a flourishing career to move to China with her then husband who was posted there. That did not stop her husband from straying either. She was even prepared to ‘share’ her husband with the other woman. But in the end, she realised that she was only torturing herself. So she came back and went through a divorce. Her confidence was so shaken that she doubted her capabilities and employability. Took her a long time to get over it and pick herself up. She has since remarried and is doing well.

Now 2 of my close frens are saying that their marriage is heading down the divorce path and another 1 has just finalised hers. The one who has just divorce did so due to a 3rd party in her husband’s life. As for the other 2, they are quarrelling a lot with their husbands. Neither parties have been unfaithful but they say it is a matter of inability to communicate with their husbands and differing expectations.

I can understand having a divorce due to a 3rd party and in the case of another fren, cos the husband was abusive. But communication and expectations? Dunno, but I feel that those are things that can be worked out. Maybe easier said then done but when there are kids involved, divorce shouldn’t be the 1st solution for any unhappiness within a marriage.

Courage to all those whose spouses have failed them. Move on for there will definitely be better days ahead.

[fussyMummy]

Hi,


I do a lot of things before I decided to divorce.

I seek help from my ex-in law, seek help from my parents, his sibling, his friends, requested them to talk to my ex... I even seek counseling from Family Service... I smsed him; wrote him a note; wrote letter...I cooked dinner for him everynight, and waited for him to come home.. yet always just are kids and me...

After 2 years time I gave up, so what others think I am prettier :laugh: and nicer than that 3rd party? But realised that once a man/woman doesnt love you anymore, no matter how much things you do also pointless..\"no sound if clap only with one hand\"... :xedfingers:

Lucky thing is I never even think or miss him after divorced.

Whatever is, try not to divorce.. dont think about it but get other solution first. Divorce is a journey which full with hurt, which very difficuit to heal...

For those with happy family, treasure and enjoy it.... :love:

For those not so lucky fellow.. blessing always be you.. Be patience and there is always a better tomorrow....

Gosh.. I am very smart to say/write... but for doing so positive way, kill me better.. :stupid: :idea:

[leesf]

As I read through this Forum it seems the divorce cases are usually the hb has an affair.


For my case is different. My relationship with hb has got worse after 14 years of marriage. It seems to get worse when I stopped working 4 years ago & he became the sole bread winner. I would say our family is considered middle income & I am given a fixed amount of monthly allowance of about $1500/- This allowance contributes mostly to household & my own personal expenses.

My hb is a workaholic. When he comes back home he will face the PC till dinner time. After dinner he will continue till sleeping time. He hardly has time for the family. At first I thought he is real busy but he has time to do things for friends like booking tickets, chatting with friends or even browse interent. I always complain he has no time for us especially our 11yr old son. We always argue over this issue. So everytime when he talks to my son is always reprimanding him, like sit properly at dinner table, when sitting in the car must put his leg down, never flush toilet bowl properly etc. Once he even threw the story books away when my son did not keep them. To me all these are small matters as compared to other issues if our son involves in fighting or misbehaves. But he said I always interfere in the way he teaches the kid. I believe in soft approach but he prefers to use cane. As time goes by I stop telling him about issues over our son as he would use drastic action to punish our son.

My hb thinks he is doing his duty as a husband/father as he does not gamble/womanize & he gives us the necessities. He always says he is the head of the family & we should listen to him. When we go marketing he will ask our son to carry all the stuff usually is 3-4 bags. Usually I will carry 1 or 2 bags & the rest carried by my son. My hb carries nothing. When I ask him why don’t he helps to carry he asks me back : "If you can’t carry them, give them all to our son. Why can’t you let him carries all since he eats so much? When I am working outside did I ask him to help me or not?" Things like that can make us argue & quarrel & our poor son will be ‘kena’ scolding by the father again. He will start scolding our son like, "Its always because of you that make us quarrel."

It looks like I am grumbling over very trivial matter as compared to other hb who gambles/womanzise. But everyday we have to see his face to live our life. I can’t make a decision even like buying a desk for our son. As I am working part-time only I know my financial situation will not be as comfortable as now. So its either I choose a comfortable life or a more life which I want to live. I’m also afraid if we end up in divorce how is it going to affect our son. Morever, there is no ground for divorce unless we live separately for 3 years.

[Windy]

Hi leesf, for your case, divorce is not solution. Maybe you should find a full time job and start to groom yourself so hb will be surprised by your changes. 3 yrs ago, I left my job which I had worked for 8 yrs to be stay at home mom to look after my children, that was the year which my hb started to chg and take me for granted. They always think that we housewife is \"黄脸婆”which means aunti. I rejoined workforce and started to dress up but of course can't change his clubbing habit and I chose to \"D\". However, I look better now because got money to dress up, so hb said I look beautiful but also cannot chg him. He die die want to contiune his night life. No choice. But almost every two week I need to wept once after I had file my D. First, I started to feel lonely, then,I worried for my future and my children future, then, my son's teacher emailed to me and said that my son cannot concentrate in his study and did badly in his mock exam. Every week there is something up there to worry you, do not know when will it stop. So no joke to D. I D because my hb had spent alot of money to maintain his life style and keep saying not enough money to spend, and he was unhappy about the monthly expense that he need to pay for the family. He can pay $100 to the PRC instead of giving $10 to the children. Worry he spend until bankruptcy and I need to cover for him.


If I am in your case, I will change myself first and see any improvement. Also tried to communicate to him, unless he got an internet gf and he don't love you anymore, if not, do not run into Divorce if possible.

I will pray for you and wish to thank all who had shared as now I know I am not alone. I had problem communicating to my friend who know about my situation, they just felt that I am odd to them because they had a happy family. So now also not many friends. Mentally, emotionally, physically, financially and socially affected after D. Please think twice!

Now, I am in the end of the world stage, very hurt and keep reminding myself to be strong! :stupid:

[Finally1972]

After knowing he is cheating but of course he denied & refusal to talk.

I didn’t cry and somehow I felt a relieved to know the truth instead of guessing everyday.

I wonder why some have the strength to forgive & forget and stay on in marriage, would it be the same? It is tough decision & I know I wouldn’t be able to continue my future with him. Therefore I’m planning to file for a "D" but unsure how to tell my 2 children. (They are my biggest worries as I’m afraid it will affect them badly)

Anyone can advise me on the procedure, cost and recommand a lawyer.

Thank you.

[fussyMummy]

Hi,


Dont always think "D" can solve the problem, esp you have kids. In fact it create more problem & trouble which will make you feel yourself miserable.

Serious, I went throught this path, know how deep of the hurt to myself, and kids too… The story wont be end, if you need some maintance from him…

Finally1972, before think of "D" , maybe you can take out a paper and a pen, write about how good is your hubby is… try to solve out the problem and if possible, forgive him (Of coz depends on his reaction also)

I "D" mainly due to he is a drinker+gambler (I have to bear all the expenses and always feel so "malu" when there are someone knock on the door and chase $$), the last stage is he has affair with my best female friend. I gave up this "relationship" after 2 years of "work hard" to solve it…

"D" are many things to be consider.

Three major things :
(1) Accomodation - where will you and your kids stay after "D", purchase a flat or stay with parents. You have to make sure you have enough $ for this.
(2) Children Custody
(3) Maintance Fees

A lot of things concern with $$$ will keep appear… A lot of incident you need to face it by yourself with super strong mind (as you have kids)…

I attended to Family Court many many times, most of the time due to he doesnt attend it, so the case postpone…(wasted my annual leave)… Upset, angry, feel it ridiculous… but what else can I do…???

Try for other solutions before you need to go to this stage…

I totally can understand how Windy feels…

Windy, Jia You ah…

[leesf]

Hi Windy,


Thanks for your reply. The reason why I be a SAHM is because I don’t think I can cope with work/child/housework at the same time. As I was in accounting line there are times when I need to work late. My hb used to work late too so 1 of us has to make some adjustments. The solution is I become a SAHM. MY hb is one who never helps in housework. At times he travels overseas too & he needs someone to help him in his paperwork. (He is self-employed) My son also needs someone to be there to push him to do his homework. I am doing all these for the family but he does not seem to appreciate & take things for granted. Sometimes I just wonder why do I do all these for?

Its difficult to communicate with my hb. He always said there is nothing to talk as we always end up arguing. A leopard will never change its spots. No matter how I try to ask him to change his way of displining the kid he always said we are depending on him so he can do whatever he wants. I try not to take things too hard over these years or else I will go crazy. I know D is not the solution. A friend of mine actually commented because I am not working, I try to find fault here & there. Yes, I agree even friends will not understand our situation.

In the end, we just have to be strong and carry on with our lives. But I did learn something, all married women should be financially independent because if anything happens, be it good or bad, money matter is always the main issue.