Advice - Divorce or Not to Divorce

[Funz]

Gosh, as I read some of your accounts here, I cannot help but curse and swear at the men involved. I can only imagine the blow dealt to your confidence and self esteem.


I had a friend who dropped everything including a flourishing career to move to China with her then husband who was posted there. That did not stop her husband from straying either. She was even prepared to ‘share’ her husband with the other woman. But in the end, she realised that she was only torturing herself. So she came back and went through a divorce. Her confidence was so shaken that she doubted her capabilities and employability. Took her a long time to get over it and pick herself up. She has since remarried and is doing well.

Now 2 of my close frens are saying that their marriage is heading down the divorce path and another 1 has just finalised hers. The one who has just divorce did so due to a 3rd party in her husband’s life. As for the other 2, they are quarrelling a lot with their husbands. Neither parties have been unfaithful but they say it is a matter of inability to communicate with their husbands and differing expectations.

I can understand having a divorce due to a 3rd party and in the case of another fren, cos the husband was abusive. But communication and expectations? Dunno, but I feel that those are things that can be worked out. Maybe easier said then done but when there are kids involved, divorce shouldn’t be the 1st solution for any unhappiness within a marriage.

Courage to all those whose spouses have failed them. Move on for there will definitely be better days ahead.

[fussyMummy]

Hi,


I do a lot of things before I decided to divorce.

I seek help from my ex-in law, seek help from my parents, his sibling, his friends, requested them to talk to my ex... I even seek counseling from Family Service... I smsed him; wrote him a note; wrote letter...I cooked dinner for him everynight, and waited for him to come home.. yet always just are kids and me...

After 2 years time I gave up, so what others think I am prettier :laugh: and nicer than that 3rd party? But realised that once a man/woman doesnt love you anymore, no matter how much things you do also pointless..\"no sound if clap only with one hand\"... :xedfingers:

Lucky thing is I never even think or miss him after divorced.

Whatever is, try not to divorce.. dont think about it but get other solution first. Divorce is a journey which full with hurt, which very difficuit to heal...

For those with happy family, treasure and enjoy it.... :love:

For those not so lucky fellow.. blessing always be you.. Be patience and there is always a better tomorrow....

Gosh.. I am very smart to say/write... but for doing so positive way, kill me better.. :stupid: :idea:

[leesf]

As I read through this Forum it seems the divorce cases are usually the hb has an affair.


For my case is different. My relationship with hb has got worse after 14 years of marriage. It seems to get worse when I stopped working 4 years ago & he became the sole bread winner. I would say our family is considered middle income & I am given a fixed amount of monthly allowance of about $1500/- This allowance contributes mostly to household & my own personal expenses.

My hb is a workaholic. When he comes back home he will face the PC till dinner time. After dinner he will continue till sleeping time. He hardly has time for the family. At first I thought he is real busy but he has time to do things for friends like booking tickets, chatting with friends or even browse interent. I always complain he has no time for us especially our 11yr old son. We always argue over this issue. So everytime when he talks to my son is always reprimanding him, like sit properly at dinner table, when sitting in the car must put his leg down, never flush toilet bowl properly etc. Once he even threw the story books away when my son did not keep them. To me all these are small matters as compared to other issues if our son involves in fighting or misbehaves. But he said I always interfere in the way he teaches the kid. I believe in soft approach but he prefers to use cane. As time goes by I stop telling him about issues over our son as he would use drastic action to punish our son.

My hb thinks he is doing his duty as a husband/father as he does not gamble/womanize & he gives us the necessities. He always says he is the head of the family & we should listen to him. When we go marketing he will ask our son to carry all the stuff usually is 3-4 bags. Usually I will carry 1 or 2 bags & the rest carried by my son. My hb carries nothing. When I ask him why don’t he helps to carry he asks me back : "If you can’t carry them, give them all to our son. Why can’t you let him carries all since he eats so much? When I am working outside did I ask him to help me or not?" Things like that can make us argue & quarrel & our poor son will be ‘kena’ scolding by the father again. He will start scolding our son like, "Its always because of you that make us quarrel."

It looks like I am grumbling over very trivial matter as compared to other hb who gambles/womanzise. But everyday we have to see his face to live our life. I can’t make a decision even like buying a desk for our son. As I am working part-time only I know my financial situation will not be as comfortable as now. So its either I choose a comfortable life or a more life which I want to live. I’m also afraid if we end up in divorce how is it going to affect our son. Morever, there is no ground for divorce unless we live separately for 3 years.

[Windy]

Hi leesf, for your case, divorce is not solution. Maybe you should find a full time job and start to groom yourself so hb will be surprised by your changes. 3 yrs ago, I left my job which I had worked for 8 yrs to be stay at home mom to look after my children, that was the year which my hb started to chg and take me for granted. They always think that we housewife is \"黄脸婆”which means aunti. I rejoined workforce and started to dress up but of course can't change his clubbing habit and I chose to \"D\". However, I look better now because got money to dress up, so hb said I look beautiful but also cannot chg him. He die die want to contiune his night life. No choice. But almost every two week I need to wept once after I had file my D. First, I started to feel lonely, then,I worried for my future and my children future, then, my son's teacher emailed to me and said that my son cannot concentrate in his study and did badly in his mock exam. Every week there is something up there to worry you, do not know when will it stop. So no joke to D. I D because my hb had spent alot of money to maintain his life style and keep saying not enough money to spend, and he was unhappy about the monthly expense that he need to pay for the family. He can pay $100 to the PRC instead of giving $10 to the children. Worry he spend until bankruptcy and I need to cover for him.


If I am in your case, I will change myself first and see any improvement. Also tried to communicate to him, unless he got an internet gf and he don't love you anymore, if not, do not run into Divorce if possible.

I will pray for you and wish to thank all who had shared as now I know I am not alone. I had problem communicating to my friend who know about my situation, they just felt that I am odd to them because they had a happy family. So now also not many friends. Mentally, emotionally, physically, financially and socially affected after D. Please think twice!

Now, I am in the end of the world stage, very hurt and keep reminding myself to be strong! :stupid:

[Finally1972]

After knowing he is cheating but of course he denied & refusal to talk.

I didn’t cry and somehow I felt a relieved to know the truth instead of guessing everyday.

I wonder why some have the strength to forgive & forget and stay on in marriage, would it be the same? It is tough decision & I know I wouldn’t be able to continue my future with him. Therefore I’m planning to file for a "D" but unsure how to tell my 2 children. (They are my biggest worries as I’m afraid it will affect them badly)

Anyone can advise me on the procedure, cost and recommand a lawyer.

Thank you.

[fussyMummy]

Hi,


Dont always think "D" can solve the problem, esp you have kids. In fact it create more problem & trouble which will make you feel yourself miserable.

Serious, I went throught this path, know how deep of the hurt to myself, and kids too… The story wont be end, if you need some maintance from him…

Finally1972, before think of "D" , maybe you can take out a paper and a pen, write about how good is your hubby is… try to solve out the problem and if possible, forgive him (Of coz depends on his reaction also)

I "D" mainly due to he is a drinker+gambler (I have to bear all the expenses and always feel so "malu" when there are someone knock on the door and chase $$), the last stage is he has affair with my best female friend. I gave up this "relationship" after 2 years of "work hard" to solve it…

"D" are many things to be consider.

Three major things :
(1) Accomodation - where will you and your kids stay after "D", purchase a flat or stay with parents. You have to make sure you have enough $ for this.
(2) Children Custody
(3) Maintance Fees

A lot of things concern with $$$ will keep appear… A lot of incident you need to face it by yourself with super strong mind (as you have kids)…

I attended to Family Court many many times, most of the time due to he doesnt attend it, so the case postpone…(wasted my annual leave)… Upset, angry, feel it ridiculous… but what else can I do…???

Try for other solutions before you need to go to this stage…

I totally can understand how Windy feels…

Windy, Jia You ah…

[leesf]

Hi Windy,


Thanks for your reply. The reason why I be a SAHM is because I don’t think I can cope with work/child/housework at the same time. As I was in accounting line there are times when I need to work late. My hb used to work late too so 1 of us has to make some adjustments. The solution is I become a SAHM. MY hb is one who never helps in housework. At times he travels overseas too & he needs someone to help him in his paperwork. (He is self-employed) My son also needs someone to be there to push him to do his homework. I am doing all these for the family but he does not seem to appreciate & take things for granted. Sometimes I just wonder why do I do all these for?

Its difficult to communicate with my hb. He always said there is nothing to talk as we always end up arguing. A leopard will never change its spots. No matter how I try to ask him to change his way of displining the kid he always said we are depending on him so he can do whatever he wants. I try not to take things too hard over these years or else I will go crazy. I know D is not the solution. A friend of mine actually commented because I am not working, I try to find fault here & there. Yes, I agree even friends will not understand our situation.

In the end, we just have to be strong and carry on with our lives. But I did learn something, all married women should be financially independent because if anything happens, be it good or bad, money matter is always the main issue.

[Funz]

Hi leesf,


Sounds to me like your DH is jealous of your DS. I am no expert here but I think it is a very common mistake that women make once we have children. Everything we do is for the children. We cook the kid’s favourite food, we schedule our activities around theirs, etc. Could your DH be resentful because of that?

I had at 1 point considered separating with DH. Those were pretty rough years. And looking back, I think we were pretty lucky that no ‘interesting’ parties entered either of our lives. DH was out most nights coming back only at 2-3am and off to work again at 7am. On weekends, he will be glued to the comp. I thought he was working all the time initially but eventually found out that he was surfing the web, and playing interactive games with a few of his frens. He was very short tempered with DD, in fact bordering on abusive, slapping her and yanking her up by her arm. We had countless quarrels. I could have easily walked out of the marriage as I am financially independant and I have a very strong family support. But somehow I felt that our problems were not that serious and we should be able to work things through. Part of our problem was cos DH suffers from depression and understanding that helps me deal with some of the situations that surface. The turning point came about 4 years ago when he came to me and we had another huge fight. By then, I had kind of withdrawn from him and we hardly talked. After that fight, we promised ourselves and each other that we will make this marriage work.

Try to work things out with your husband. Divorce may seem like a good solution but it brings with it many other issues. And do you really believe that it will benefit your son.

[buds]

Windy:

If I am in your case, I will change myself first and see any improvement. Also tried to communicate to him, unless he got an internet gf and he don't love you anymore, if not, do not run into Divorce if possible.

This is a strong move and decision on your part, Windy. You have a
positive mindset. You have also tried your best in re-evaluating the
situation you were in and work all the negatives into a positive. :salute:

Windy:

I will pray for you and wish to thank all who had shared as now I know I am not alone.

Windy:

I had problem communicating to my friend who know about my situation, they just felt that I am odd to them because they had a happy family. So now also not many friends. Mentally, emotionally, physically, financially and socially affected after D. Please think twice!

To protect the sacredness of a marriage, a couple should preferably
communicate with one another regardless the problem. This is thee
most 'ideal' situation if a couple can still level up for an honest to
goodness, no holds barred discussion. However this may not always
be the case.

A familiar line of \"Never wash your dirty linen in public\" can ring true
to a certain extent. There will be people who will not understand... and
will never understand as they may be living in more peaceful lives with
less major turbulences. These friends may not be helpful after all, even
though they are prepared to be there to hear you rant. While one can
go on and on ranting, the other party may not want to hear all the vivid
details of the crumbling marriage... whose fault it was... why does this
happen to me... and many other stuff. While most men believe, the
privileged information of a marriage should remain only between the
husband and wife and only husband and wife... there will be the odd
and off occasions where the heart is just dying to pour out.

Know that you're never alone. There a few avenues one can reach out
to and share any insecurities one may have... dead-end mental blocks...
or just to pour out your heart... Because of these kind people, anyone in
a similar situation can seek solace in finding someone who WILL and who
genuinely tries to understand.

There are Family Service Centres almost in every neighbourhood. If you
need a listening ear or someone who can provide neutral and objective
perspectives to your lives or issues at hand, open yourselves up to speak
to or approach any staff at an FSC near you.You can call ComCare
@ 1800-222-0000 to find out the FSC serving your area.

You may click this link to the MCYS website to know more.>http://app.mcys.gov.sg/web/faml_supfaml_familyservicesctr.asp

There is also the Samaritans of Singapore available for that chat you
have been dying to have with someone... about something... and they
are even toll-free.

Samaritans of Singapore
Tel : 1800 221 4444

Here are a few other helplines you can reach out to :

1. SOS Hotline
DAILY & 24 hours
Tel : 1800 221 4444

2. Parentline
Mon-Fri 9am to 5pm
Tel : 6289 8811

3. Counselling and Care Centre
Mon-Fri 8:30am to 5pm
Tel : 6536 6366

4. Care Corner - Mandarin Counselling Centre
DAILY 10am to 10pm
Tel :1800 353 5800

5. Family Service Centre Hotline
Mon - Fri 9am to 5pm
Sat 9am to 1pm
Tel : 1800 838 0100

6. SAMH Helpline
Mon - Fri 9am to 6pm
Tel : 1800 283 7019

7. AIDS Helpline
Mon - Fri 8am to 5pm
Tel : 1800 252 1324

8. MCDS Family and Child Protection & Welfare Branch
Mon - Fri 8:30am to 5pm
Tel : 1800 258 6378

9. AMP Hotline
Mon - Fri 2pm to 7pm
Tel : 6345 2911

Another avenue is of course a forum. Though as public as it may be. :lol:

The power of a forum can work in different ways... some forums build
friendships... some forums provide networking avenues... some forums
are genre-specific and only targetted at only one main missions - tho' a
few has proven not to be helpful. Here in KiasuParents, while one can
treasure the anonymity of the real person behind the computer screen,
it is also one of the better avenues where will find other people who hv
been there done that... who can try to turn your life around... or provide
that encouragement for one to soldier on. Every single one of us could
use that pat on the back... or that smile of the day... or that shoulder to
cry on... or that listening ear. To be heard. To be understood.

While some others choose to repair what damage has been done... a few
others may decide to take the high road... know that every single one of
us lead different lives with different people... in different lifestyle settings
and also with different beliefs/faiths... but i do know one thing is, that the
power of support can truly lift one up from however low one can be at
that point in life.

Having/Being in a good family is also an asset. It can provide for family
support and close ties of kinship is known to be one of the strongest
bonding for life. A family not only provides love, food and shelter but
comfort and protection too.

So, do take a moment to come out from those times of exasperation
that... whatever route we choose, we should try to allow our love for the
children and find that support in them to be strong and they should know
that through times of adversity, we, as parents will be there for them...
all the way. I for one.. have the most supportive parents in the world
and thanks to them and the strong family relationship we have built
through all our happy moments in life and in great adversities, we have
found strength in each other. We know that whatever the issues at hand
are, as a family we can go through it together hand in hand. I hope to be
able to follow this trait in my parenting ways with my children, in the
hope that they understand through any stress or future road blocks...
just like my parents... i too can and will be there for them.
No matter what.

Hence if you have still have your own family who can still be there for
you, find comfort in them. That said, not all families are similar.. some
have gone through tough roads that may not necessarily have helped
them be what and who they are... and even so, there is strength that
has been inbuilt since then to the point now. Pick up that strength from
there to help you move on.

Windy:

Now, I am in the end of the world stage, very hurt and keep reminding myself to be strong! :stupid:

But at the end of the line, with all the effort you have put in from what
is left of that strength you have garnered and it still didn't seem to work
for you... but do know this. A wise friend once told me, the road to self
reproach will never end... Try not to dwell on the what ifs... or think of
the bad times alone... Use the good ones to carry on of what's left.

Before we took the vow to be together with someone else, we have been
on our own... and managed. Though the journey back to be on your own
will prove to be challenging and mind boggling... life is too short to be
bogged down by the many insecurities in life... find solace in the good
stuff that you still have now.

Know that what you've done for the marriage, for the spouse, for the
children..... for the family..... was done sincerely from the love in your
heart..... Know that you did well and meant well for your own efforts
were the foundation of the good things that you still have now. It was
not for the sole reason of the other party indefinitely. Pat yourself on
the back for that.

No person man or woman will find it easy being separated from that
union that they had and vowed to protect and nurture.. They say that
time heals all wounds. So, take all the time you need..... for yourself
and for the future that can behold more happiness or sadness, however
you want it to be... however you choose for it to be.

Last but not least, you are never alone. :grphug:

[winth]

Funz:

Hi leesf,


Sounds to me like your DH is jealous of your DS. I am no expert here but I think it is a very common mistake that women make once we have children. Everything we do is for the children. We cook the kid's favourite food, we schedule our activities around theirs, etc. Could your DH be resentful because of that?

Try to work things out with your husband. Divorce may seem like a good solution but it brings with it many other issues. And do you really believe that it will benefit your son.

Totally agree with Funz!
For married mums, most of us and even I do fall into this similar mistake of putting my sons' privileges first, no matter how hard I remind myself. Children always seem to be at the vulnerable end and need mothers to be there. This causes jealousy and hubbies might turn to some other outlet. They might not even be aware that it was jealousy in the first place.

Divorce brings you other problems and is usually the last resort, never the first.

As this problem has been there for a number of years, conversations might not start as spontaneous as it used to be. Let say my hubby glues himself to the PC after dinner. I will settle my son by telling him what he's expected to do (learn spelling, do homework, be in bed by 9pm etc cos he's already 11 year-old) I will make a cup of coffee for DH, sit beside him and ask what he's doing, pretending to show interest in your war and conquer games. (believe me: i have done that before, i even set up an online login to his latest game and told him to teach me how to play. After 2 nights of playing, I slowly influenced him and told him this game is quite 'boring', why not we watch DVD together?)

Your son is already 11, he will need both of you to guide him before he turns into a young teenager. Another set of problem will start once he enters secondary school. Don't let this be your problem, let your hubby solve this together with you.