Do you cane your daughters when they misbehave?

[micollh]

started using ruler and hand on her bckside and hand after she turn 4… some frens support as they did the same… some object as they said no beating on girl…but i feel this way works faster than explaining/talking… but not sure if will have side effect… haven read all the threads…

[Imami]

mummy of three:

Cane, spare the rod spoil the child.

I don't cane, or for this matter, I don't use any \"weapon\" at all.I just use my hand to smack. And i smack hard. Dont pray pray.

The reason I don't use \"weapon\" is because I am worried that I may lose control and hurt the child in the end. While the idea is that kids learn to comply faster/better when dealt with pain (from the smacking/caning), the children should not ended up being hurt.

I know how trying it is to have a stubborn/forgetful kid. I know how frustrating to have to repeat and repeat.... And yes, repeat. The is a tendency to vent the frustration onto the child when one is angry, over and aboe what is necessary. When one is angry, the strength exerted thru the cane may be too much for the child.

When I use my hand to smack my child, I feel the corresponding pain that he feels. This way, I know how hard is hard (on him).

Hence, I have never used a cane on my child. He is probably one of the few who doesn't know the power of Mr Cane. B

[Imami]

When smacking/caning is meted out, the parent should also drive the point across (what the child did to warrant a whacking session). The pain should serve as an indication of the seriousness (of the mistake) but it should not replace the explanation part. And no, smacking and shouting at the same time is of no use.

[mummy so kiasu]

Imami:

mummy so kiasu:

I had read from parenting articles & websites that \"time out\" is a more effective method than caning. It seem to me that caning is more commonly used by the Chinese & the practice seem to be pass down by our parents generation. Sometime doubt it effectiveness. Caning can be a two edges sword. If you do it too frequent, then it will not mean anything to the child (got used to it) or worse still become rebellious.

Time out doesn't work for my child leh.... Whenever I say,\"ok, you go and stand at the corner and think about it.\", my child would go all berserk as if I am abandoning him. Before he was three, he would cry and scream like someone was skinning him whenever I wanted to give him time out. After three, he would just hug my legs like hanging on his dear life, weep a little... :faint:

So time out doesn't work in my case. Looking sternly at him, then telling
him what he did wrong and finally explaining why works better for me. I don't puke blood this way.

Maybe different type of method works on different kids. We need to find out which method works better for us. Whereas for your case is reasoning out with him.

[concern2]

Last time I used the cane and they tried to shied their buttocks with their hands, my hands went over to pull their hands away and the cane landed on my knuckles. Eee-ouuuch! Mummy hand-eye coordination very bad siah, throw the cane away…

[MrBig]

Ichigokun:

@MrBig

But I think the earliest group with such thinking is Chinese. Confucius philosophies appeared 500 years before the bible.

Um... So yeah. Maybe different religious and race groups learnt from each other in the past so this punishing children thing came to \"flourish\"

Hi Ichigokun,
Agree. Acutally not disputing which came 1st or later.

[Imami]

mummy of three:

Imami:

[quote=\"mummy of three\"]Cane, spare the rod spoil the child.

I don't cane, or for this matter, I don't use any \"weapon\" at all.I just use my hand to smack. And i smack hard. Dont pray pray.

The reason I don't use \"weapon\" is because I am worried that I may lose control and hurt the child in the end. While the idea is that kids learn to comply faster/better when dealt with pain (from the smacking/caning), the children should not ended up being hurt.

I know how trying it is to have a stubborn/forgetful kid. I know how frustrating to have to repeat and repeat.... And yes, repeat. The is a tendency to vent the frustration onto the child when one is angry, over and aboe what is necessary. When one is angry, the strength exerted thru the cane may be too much for the child.

When I use my hand to smack my child, I feel the corresponding pain that he feels. This way, I know how hard is hard (on him).

Hence, I have never used a cane on my child. He is probably one of the few who doesn't know the power of Mr Cane. B

:goodpost:
How old is your child and what’s the worst he did?
For me, the worst was to lie.
Not small lie, is about schoolwork.[/quote]My child is four. He doesn’t really lie yet. Inflate some of better behaviour yes, but not exactly lying yet.

To be honest, he’s not that bad. It’s just that I find myself repeating and repeating and ….. yes, repeating the same things e.g. sit properly when you eat/don’t move(when I trim his hair)/keep quiet (in library or cinema) you know? I suppose these are nothing unusual, it’s just that I am short fused. If I had been a more patient person….

If there is any ‘worst’ incident, it was probably the one he throw a huge fuss over keeping his toys. He was about three and a half. I told him it’s time for shower and to keep his toys. I needed to repeat myself a few times. He ended up venting his frustration on his toys. In my moment of anger, I gave him a slap. The impact was so hard that he toppled over. I was shocked by my own action. Imagine I didn’t do it bare handed. Imagine I had a cane instead. Or a wooden spatula (like my colleague had). Or anything. I could have really hurt my child beyond the skin and his esteem/feelings.

He learnt that lesson well. I never had an issue with him keeping his stuff anymore, never reach the boiling point anymore, never need to whack him that hard anymore.

I learnt my lesson well too. I thank God that except for the red iron palm mark on his cheeks, my child was unscathed. Imagine I whacked a little higher, around his ear. He might lose his sense of hearing. And all the more, I felt that I was right about it – not to use a weapon against a young child.

Lying is certainly unacceptable. As a child, the only time I got whacked by my father was because I had lied about having to stay back in school when I was actually attending a classmate’s bday party. Back then, I only knew that I earned it (the belting – my father whacked me with his belt, the end with the buckle) because I lied. Years on, as a parent, I wished they explained to me that other than the lying, there was safety issues involved. That happened shortly after the two boys disappeared (they were never found) and it was understandable that they were worried. I could imagine the anxiety of running around/nearby the school, looking for me.

I also wished they looked into the reason for my actions (why I lied). In most cases, one lies because one does not want the disapproval one expects to receive for telling the truth. Like for my case, I expected to be met with a “NO” if I were to ask if I could attend my classmate’s bday party. Hence I lied (bad move though…).

Realising this, as a parent, I try to give my child the assurance that he could be truthful to me without any consequences. It is not as if he has never gotten himself into hot soup. It is not as if he is always the ‘naughty one’, sometimes it’s just being in the wrong place/doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. Last week, he got chided for knocking a smaller built child off her feet. His face said it all when I saw him. The teacher said he ‘pushed’ the girl. In front of the teacher, I told my child,” tell mummy what happened. Don’t worry, I am not going to scold you. I just want to know what has happened.” My child hesitated for a while but responded with,” I saw mummy here (at the childcare centre) already and I want to quickly go pee pee so that mummy does not wait too long. I didn’t see Beatrice (that other girl whom my child knocked into) coming and bang into her. I didn’t push her….”

Knowing that someone you loved is always behind your back, believing in you, understanding you - is very important. It is a very important ingredient needed for a young person to build up his/her sense of self-worth and self-confidence.

[Imami]

concern2:

Last time I used the cane and they tried to shied their buttocks with their hands, my hands went over to pull their hands away and the cane landed on my knuckles. Eee-ouuuch! Mummy hand-eye coordination very bad siah, throw the cane away...

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: I am sorry but the way you put it was very comical!

I don’t know if there will come a point when I seriously need a cane? I hope not…

[BeContented]

Imami:

concern2:

Last time I used the cane and they tried to shied their buttocks with their hands, my hands went over to pull their hands away and the cane landed on my knuckles. Eee-ouuuch! Mummy hand-eye coordination very bad siah, throw the cane away...

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: I am sorry but the way you put it was very comical!

I don’t know if there will come a point when I seriously need a cane? I hope not…

Think my kids are past the age of using cane Liao. But I still threaten them that since I have stopped using it, dun ever make me angry enough to 'reactivate' it.
At P5 & P6, they should be able to listen :roll: & differentiate right from wrong. But at this age, their hormones & defiance also acting up, sometimes finding it real hard to manage MY anger

[concern2]

Imami:

concern2:

Last time I used the cane and they tried to shied their buttocks with their hands, my hands went over to pull their hands away and the cane landed on my knuckles. Eee-ouuuch! Mummy hand-eye coordination very bad siah, throw the cane away...

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: I am sorry but the way you put it was very comical!

I don’t know if there will come a point when I seriously need a cane? I hope not…

Glad you thought it is funny. I prefer to see the lighter side of things - sometimes, even tho at that point you really feel like killing someone :rotflmao: