don't really know how to talk to wife

[Happie Mummy]

To Joule,


I think it maybe better not to retalliate with any verbal resentment on the spot when she makes a 'not-that-appreciative-comment', coz the word u say, the way it'll sounds, the tone u'll have and the facial expressions u'll wear will definately not be what your underlying objective to be put across, rather more of venting or voicing out your '不满' over her comments. And this will NOT solve the issue but only lead to further comments being made and the vicious cycle continues. When in argument, any word may sound sarcastic or harsh to both party even when it may not actually mean so.
Better to find a good time to talk it out nicely when u r feeling neutral (not after an argument). May try text her or email her (since she's always on email), make a date with her, tell her upfront that you would like to have a good talk with her as you are feeling rather down recently. Dun say that u \"need to talk to u(her) regarding some prob i (you) feel between us\" / \" i need to talk to u regarding our prob\"... The key phrasing is \"talk WITH you\" not \"talk TO you\" coz the later sounds like \"YES u r the one at fault so i have to talk TO you\" and dun say \"regarding our prob\" as she may not even see or feel that there's prob between u 2. Since u do feel that there's still love between u 2, just that communication is becoming an issue, hearing u say that u r down n need a talk, she may be concern enough to agree on the date without wearing a protective shield n start acting defensive thinking of all the 'allegation' u r going to shoot at her n start planning her argumentative replies even before u meet.
If she does agree to meet, bear in mind that this session is to VOICE OUT how u feel, to BRING TO HER AWARENESS of how u feel, not telling her how unhappy u r with her, how wrong u find her doing these m that... NOT a complain session. Once u start sounding 'finger pointing', naturally her defensive shield will wrap her up and nothing u say will get into her.
Try think of a 'prob' in urself for every prob u finds in her. Make it sound fairer that u o not just point out her prob, but u did do some self reflection and u wan to share with her your penny of thoughts.
For the way she makes comments over u :
\"not sure if I'm being over sensitive, but I feel that when u say..... I feel... I know u may not mean it that way but I think I'll take it better if you say it....\"
For her being engaged with her stuff online :
\"sometimes I do wonder if I'm being too needy for u. At times, after a long day at work, coming back home, i do wish for some time to simply nua n relax with u even if we were to do nothing, watch tv, chat a little as u r my charger to my life, spending time with u recharges my energy. Hence when I see u occupied on ur lappie or phone, I feel very distanced. I do wish to spend more time with u\"
...........
My point is, putting urself down at the 1st place doesn't mean u r at losing end or inferior. It's just an opening to feel that u see it as \"it's US\" not \"I think YOU...\" taking her defensive shield off her allows her to listen to wat u gotta say.
Mind not to turn it into an interrogation session questioning her \"why do u say this...How do u think Ill feel.... Why can't u....don't u think.... Can't u see....\" coz her replies will definately turns u off.
If u think u can't say these to her in this way when facing her, put theses into words in a letter (good thing abt letter writing is that u can vet thru again n again to get the most appropriate phrasing, and these words can be undo unlike spoken Words once said can't take back ), hand the letter to her to read when u meet. Reading letter also 'force'her to finish reading all that u wan to say rather than her jumping to her defense interrupting ur points. But crucial thing is do it face to face so u can immediately add on n follow up after she reads.
If there's still love, let her feel that u r troubled coz u care for ur relation.
Just be mindful to 'share n voice out' not 'complaining' or 'thrashing out all faults'...
I hope this can be helpful

[Imami]

ammonite:

roll me all the way home.\"

:rotflmao: 滚回家？

ammonite:

they were surprised that dear old mum can actually run.

Yup, it happens to me too. My child was so amazed that his mummy could run and jump.

[Imami]

Jennifer:

slmkhoo:

[quote=\"Jennifer\"]Ya, my hubby does not do the above. My younger boy does


Last week, my younger boy was told: I am not as sporty as you, into so many types of games. I do not feel motivated to play tennis or soccer with you. Badminton and table tennis I can do.

Sad, right?

I don't see it as sad, just reality. You don't expect him to like all the things you like, so he has to learn to do the same. You are preparing him well for later life. I don't feel at all guilty when I tell my kids that I will not do certain things with them because I don't enjoy them, and they accept that.

I felt sad due to a reason I cant post here.[/quote]Whatever the reason, don't dwell on it too much/long :hugs:

[Joule]

Happie Mummy:

To Joule,

.....
I hope this can be helpful

yes thank you

I will read it again

anyway like I said before we do not have a 'major' problem

(well, as major as I can imagine anyway)

we still get along, it is only when argument and misunderstanding happen

then I get reeaal mad

we are still generally ok

yesterday we averted an argument over kid after kid sleep

it was a good 'save'.

we managed to catch ourselves before argument escalated

so she went to play her iPad candy game and I went out for walk (and ice cream, hur hur)

I'm ok with her not paying attention to me as long as it's not too bad

relationship is made out of togetherness and separateness anyway

[sleepy]

Jennifer:

I was very much a stay at home person - everyday at home was a playday when the boys were younger.

:hi5:

I'm a 宅女. Very hard to drag myself out of the house unless necessary. So when kids were young, there were no walks in the garden (although right in front of my block) or trips to playground. We merely 宅 at home together everyday

I don't even play with my kids. I asked them to play with each other. Kiddy toys bores me. I only like the rolling on bed westling and tickle them silly kind of playing

I did start to exercise since last March because of some drastic weight gain which scared me off my favourite couch. After reaching an exercise peak end of last year, I started to slow down again because of recurring knee pain, hip pain. Aiyo, I'm better off not exercising since I don't have these problems when I was a couch potato

Anyway, not renewing my gym membership and have since removed all cardio exercises like kickboxing and zumba. Now only intending to continue with ABT exercise classes twice a week since I'm taking classes together with dh.

Hey, I can't swim at all & can't jog at all (unless 50m counts).
But who cares :evil:

[sleepy]

slmkhoo:

Married a man who ran several times a week so tried to pick it up, but really hated it. So I stuck to swimming. Now my 13yo daughter runs with her daddy (who has slowed down due to age and knee problems!).

Your dh is into marathon? I agreed with your earlier post that couples don't have to do everything together la

My dh has been doing 10km so far although he's rather serious, would train in gym with specific machines to target certain muscles group, take ABT class to improve core strength, etc etc on top of his weekly run.

He also likes golf but I have no intention of joining him. I don't quite get the merit of sweating profusely under the sun risking pigmentation. So I avoid outdoor exercises until I could figure out how to play golf or jog with a huge umbrella :rotflmao:

[Jennifer]

sleepy:

Jennifer:

I was very much a stay at home person - everyday at home was a playday when the boys were younger.

:hi5:

I did start to exercise since last March because of some drastic weight gain which scared me off my favourite couch. After reaching an exercise peak end of last year, I started to slow down again because of recurring knee pain, hip pain. Aiyo, I'm better off not exercising since I don't have these problems when I was a couch potato

Anyway, not renewing my gym membership and have since removed all cardio exercises like kickboxing and zumba. Now only intending to continue with ABT exercise classes twice a week since I'm taking classes together with dh.

Hey, I can't swim at all & can't jog at all (unless 50m counts).
But who cares :evil:

I am worse than you - cant swim, cant jog N cant cycle. Bugs my younger boy a lot bcos he wants to do the above but no kaki.

My elder boy told me cycling is fun after he went for cycling with his CCA club friends and the night cycle the school organised.

I am shocked to hear that you aren't into your exercise regimen anymore due to \"injuries\". Hv you visited a sports injury specialist? Do take care.

[sleepy]

Jennifer:

I am shocked to hear that you aren't into your exercise regimen anymore due to \"injuries\". Hv you visited a sports injury specialist? Do take care.

Thanks!

My gym trainer advised me to cut down on cardio exercises. I'm fine with weight training and floor stretching exercises (so will be continuing with my ABT classes) but gotta stay away from jumping kicking twisting kind of intensive cardio to avoid recurring knee pain.

Jennifer:

I am worse than you - cant swim, cant jog N cant cycle. Bugs my younger boy a lot bcos he wants to do the above but no kaki.

My elder boy told me cycling is fun after he went for cycling with his CCA club friends and the night cycle the school organised.

I learned cycling when I was in p2. I seriously doubt I could pick it up any new sports in adulthood. Tried learning swimming when in Sec 1 and in my early 20s but to no avail.

My dh has been bugging me to learn inline skating the last 2 years. I obviously :siam:

[Jennifer]

sleepy:

Jennifer:

I am shocked to hear that you aren't into your exercise regimen anymore due to \"injuries\". Hv you visited a sports injury specialist? Do take care.

Thanks!

My gym trainer advised me to cut down on cardio exercises. I'm fine with weight training and floor stretching exercises (so will be continuing with my ABT classes) but gotta stay away from jumping kicking twisting kind of intensive cardio to avoid recurring knee pain.

Jennifer:

I am worse than you - cant swim, cant jog N cant cycle. Bugs my younger boy a lot bcos he wants to do the above but no kaki.

My elder boy told me cycling is fun after he went for cycling with his CCA club friends and the night cycle the school organised.

I learned cycling when I was in p2. I seriously doubt I could pick it up any new sports in adulthood. Tried learning swimming when in Sec 1 and in my early 20s but to no avail.

My dh has been bugging me to learn inline skating the last 2 years. I obviously :siam:

inline skating - I tried. but with wobbly legs, really CMI. In the end, sold the equipment to someone.

[buds]

Dowan to talk to Joule oredi. He doesn't know how to talk to me. Keep asking me change avatar. Either I am a distraction or I am not distracting him enough. No fun. Avatars are supposed to be fun.. for fun. :roll:


But aniwaes, am gonna share something shared by a friend of mine..