Failing relationship with Son
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mummy OnABudget:
Basically we suspect he is doing all this for attention,he knows hes smart but using his smartness in this wy is not right.
If you are right that he is attention-seeking, then perhaps you can assess how much non-schoolwork-related attention he gets from you? If it's very little, it may be that that is the reason. If he has been doing well in the past, he may feel that he is valued primarily for his results and good behaviour, and this is a way to testing to see how you react when his results dip? He is only a child, and however smart, he may not see that he is actually doing harm to himself and your relationship. It may help for the adults in his life to give him more positive attention aside from schoolwork so he feels valued for himself. Just some thoughts. -
每个孩子都是独特的个人，必须根据他的需要适当地给予关心，给予信心，给予照顾和温暖。不过，无论你用什么方法教导他，照顾他，启发他，你必须让孩子感受到你在关心他，接受他，了解他，支持他；对他的感情和思想，做亲密的肯定的支持。如果在这方面失败了，对孩子而言，爱就成为支配和控制。
孩子需要你关心他的愿望，但不希望你支配他的愿望；需要你了解他的困难，但并不希望你做太多的干预；需要你的同情和支持，但并不希望你责备和凌辱；他也期待你的协助，但不希望你替他做抉择；需要你的指导，但无法接受你严格的管教和训练。
It is like flying a kite, holding the string tightly and keeping the kite near you will be a disaster, going with the wind, letting go of the string lightly but staying in control helps the kite soar.
Just my thoughts on this.
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mummy OnABudget:
Since you are SAHM, can't you send and fetch your son from school? Some parents do that. This will stop gallivanting.sahm but going back for school soon yea i do use that sappooach but hes not listening and all he replies is i dont know why lah >
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maybe try letting him taking up some "sports", like badminton, tennis or squash.
Instead of gallivating around, used the time for sport with his "best friend". -
Mummy on a Budget
It is not my intention to judge, but just sharing what I have learnt.
I have 3 gals, the youngest of which is a special needs child. My eldest gal is P3 this year, and she is artistic by nature - a lot of doodling, craft and dance. At the same time she day dreams a lot. She takes longer than usual to eat her meals, take her shower, complete her tasks cos she tends to be get distracted a lot. She is also stubborn, and has her own mind about things. Because of this, she challenges a lot of things, even simple things like doing her school work, doing chores and eating vegetables. Basically she wants to have her own way, which at her age could be unfeasible or inappropriate in my perspective.
We clash quite a lot, and I have my fair share of shouting, coercing, persuading, coaxing, explaining and negotiating. Recently I have added caning to my bag of tools cos she really tips the scale at times. Our relationship is push-pull – at times I feel that I am pushing her away when she really provokes me to the breaking point, other times I pull her back by initiating things that she likes and bond with her. I am grateful that my DH is very involved with the kids and I sometimes fall back on him when things get too much to handle.
It can be really tough to manage when there is still a middle child who learns from the elder one, and a special needs youngest whom I need to devote a lot of time to (which is a totally different story in itself). I have not found the right balance with my eldest gal yet, and I still make a lot of mistakes when dealing with her. Many times I am laden with frustration, guilt and anger when I deal with her. But other times I feel happy and at peace when we share joyful moments together. I am not a perfect parent, but I refuse to think that my relationship with her is failing. Focusing on the good helps me maintain my sanity and gives me the drive to want to do more and learn more.
Sometimes giving ourselves and our children some space does help. I am learning to let go of certain things, and not to be too uptight. It can be very tiring, but that is parenthood.
Hope this helps in providing another perspective to your issues. My two cents worth. -
Write your son a letter. This will help you and your son to see things from other perspectives.
Give some time and space to yourself and your child.
Take care and this episode will blow over soon. -
I am sorry to know about your falling relationship with your son. If I am not wrong, your boy did well in P5 & he is in the top class this year. Could it be too much stress given by the school & yourself? Try to talk to him to find out his concern. Counseling might help to a certain extend. Try to sort it out as soon as possible so that he could focus on his PSLE.
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sweetbaby:
I think the challenge comes in \"getting your child to see\" and \"getting your child to open up\".
:hugs: Your DS is lucky to have a mom who cares so much and never gives up on him. Have you tried the school counsellor and AED LBS? Hopefully your boy sees that everyone are on his side and open up to talk about why he is acting out.
At the same time, similar thoughts would have gone through the child's mind hoping that or expecting that the adults can \"see from his point of view\" and \"get the adult to open up and accept the behaviour of the child, without being judgemental.\"
It's not easy and it takes time and it takes both hands to clap.
Plus, it takes both side to \"see each others' perception\" and \"to open up to new and more effective way of communication.\"
I'm not going to say what your child did is right or wrong. I want to further explore, at a deeper level, the thoughts that have led to these behaviour.
\"We think and so we act out this way.\"
And most likely, the emotional tank which only parents can feel is depleting and the current behaviour may be one of the ways to substitute what is being lost or not being gained.
Personally, I always recommend this book \"The 5 Love Languages of Children\" to my parents...it's really interesting and it explains what kind of emotional support children need.
You can read it at the amazon home page. Here is the direct link to amazon website.
http://www.amazon.com/5-Love-Languages-Children/dp/0802403476
I found this great 2 pages summary online.
http://crcpeninsula.org/Five_Love_Languages_of_Children.pdf
Or you can borrow from the library.
http://catalogue.nlb.gov.sg/cgi-bin/cw_cgi?fullRecord+17974+3002+14289536+1+0
My 2 cents,
John -
mummy OnABudget:
I have a few thoughts - do you know anything about his best friend? Must understand the partner in crime, and who is the motivator, your son,or the friend. Or some kids when they get together, they just egg each other on. You may need to distance his friend by introducing more positive influences, or co-opt the friend by inviting him home. Find out more.
The ongoing issue of not wanting to do homework fighting in school going gallivanting with his best friend has made me reach my peak of anger till i burst out shouting then crying then asking him what more u expect from mummy have done so much for u with all your teachers we are trying to help u and yet u are not even helping yourself what u want us to do.
His teacher and me have setup a way to stop the gallivanting is when he reaches school he has to call me within 30mins from the time he leaves home and he has to call the teacher with the home phone when he leaves school and after every home work is done he has to report to her.
And yet he still thinks he can get away with things am sending him for another behavioural assement i have even told him u are making me feel like jumping down the block and just dont care anymore.
:?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?:
Are they clever boys feeling aimless and sick of school? Or stressed out boys feeling sick of school? Feel aimless - introduce new hobbies, activities. Stressed out - find ways to relieve stress. Take concrete measures. Words don't help.
Do they know what they want after PSLE? Do they have good relationship with the teachers? Or have they already been labelled and condemned by family and school?
If they don't know what they want, time to sit down and ask them t think about future careers. Do not tell them - if you do badly you end up in some low- wage jobs. They already know that. Give them a beautiful vision to work towards.
Teachers? At p6 you have to face them day in day out. It has to be at least bearable.
Labels? If they have already been condemned, there is nothing to lose even if they go gallivanting or have one more fight.
Create a new space in which they can grow. A place where they can have a new start. It can be taking up sailing - wind, wave, discipline - rock climbing, something \"manly\", adultish, suitable for their temperament and energies. When you reaffirm their identities, they will settle down. It may not be in time for PSLE, but it will still be a very valuable year that shape the rest of their teenaged years. Worth sacrificing some A's for. -
ammonite:
Well said, ammonite. You sound really experienced
I have a few thoughts - do you know anything about his best friend? Must understand the partner in crime, and who is the motivator, your son,or the friend. Or some kids when they get together, they just egg each other on. You may need to distance his friend by introducing more positive influences, or co-opt the friend by inviting him home. Find out more.mummy OnABudget:
The ongoing issue of not wanting to do homework fighting in school going gallivanting with his best friend has made me reach my peak of anger till i burst out shouting then crying then asking him what more u expect from mummy have done so much for u with all your teachers we are trying to help u and yet u are not even helping yourself what u want us to do.
His teacher and me have setup a way to stop the gallivanting is when he reaches school he has to call me within 30mins from the time he leaves home and he has to call the teacher with the home phone when he leaves school and after every home work is done he has to report to her.
And yet he still thinks he can get away with things am sending him for another behavioural assement i have even told him u are making me feel like jumping down the block and just dont care anymore.
:?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?:
Are they clever boys feeling aimless and sick of school? Or stressed out boys feeling sick of school? Feel aimless - introduce new hobbies, activities. Stressed out - find ways to relieve stress. Take concrete measures. Words don't help.
Do they know what they want after PSLE? Do they have good relationship with the teachers? Or have they already been labelled and condemned by family and school?
If they don't know what they want, time to sit down and ask them t think about future careers. Do not tell them - if you do badly you end up in some low- wage jobs. They already know that. Give them a beautiful vision to work towards.
Teachers? At p6 you have to face them day in day out. It has to be at least bearable.
Labels? If they have already been condemned, there is nothing to lose even if they go gallivanting or have one more fight.
Create a new space in which they can grow. A place where they can have a new start. It can be taking up sailing - wind, wave, discipline - rock climbing, something \"manly\", adultish, suitable for their temperament and energies. When you reaffirm their identities, they will settle down. It may not be in time for PSLE, but it will still be a very valuable year that shape the rest of their teenaged years. Worth sacrificing some A's for.
Are you in the helping profession too?
I think the challenge for most parents is that they are enmeshed in this situation and it can be really blinding. Let's say if I'm in this mom's shoes, I think I won't be able to think rationally and sensibly too...hehe...
Maybe the mother needs a third party (maybe a social worker or a trusting relative) who she can trust and can work with her so as to alleviate the situation?
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