In-law problems?
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Sori, I accidentally clicked ‘submit’ twice, how to delete double post?
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Chenonceau:
So maybe marry angmoh better hor... Then maybe a different set of angmoh mil problem.
My MIL is educated. I kinda think education has nothing to do with it. I think that MIL just presume too much. The Chinese mentality is that when you marry a man, you cease to exist. You become part of that man's life. My in-laws would come into our room or my house and make off with MY belongings and lend them to other people without asking me. They asked my husband instead. Hence, it becomes a tussle over influence and power.
Chinese MIL believe that the grandchildren belong to them and they have rights to decide for them. Chinese MIL believe sons and daughters-in-law belong to them and they have rights to decide for them too. Chinese MIL believe that all that the son owns belongs to them... house, furniture, children, maid and wife. This gives them the confidence to come over to your house to tell the maid what to do, re-arrange your furniture the way they like, and lend your things to people THEY like. This means that nothing the DIL has belongs to her. Her husband is MIL's son. Her children are MIL's grandchildren. Her house, her furniture and her personal belongings also belong to MIL.
Even very educated MIL can have this proprietary attitude. My MIL is quite well educated. She reads poetry and plays the guzheng... paints Chinese brush painting and does calligraphy. BUT, she still disses my daughter and favours my son... and ignores me.
Very traditional chinese mil are like that. Grandsons are emperors and granddaughters are like grass. A friend complained to me that her mil forbids her granddaughter to eat chicken drumsticks because it's reserved for her precious grandsons. So the poor little girl only gets chicken wings.
Chenoneau, your mil sounds really mean and nasty. Reminds me of those chinese tv serials where the mil tortures the long-suffering dil throughout the show. -
It's really not easy to forgive and forget, especially if you still have to see the person frequently and struggle to be civil
Angelight:
[/quote]Thanks, Sun. Am trying...trying very hard indeed.
Then just do that - bury it and let go...
Sun_2010:
[quote=\"Angelight\"]Hi chenonceau,
You are blessed to have a hubby who stands by you and speaks up for you to his mum. :hugs:
It's NEVER easy to live with MIL under the same roof. Been there, done that. And never want to try again. I was preggie with DD then and stayed with in-laws until confinement over. Almost got post-natal depression...those were the days, just want to bury it forever. :sad:
:hugs: -
sall:
Sori, I accidentally clicked 'submit' twice, how to delete double post?
I will help you delete it. -
mummy of 2:
It's really not easy to forgive and forget, especially if you still have to see the person frequently and struggle to be civil
I know watcha mean, mummy of 2. :snuggles:
It is easier said than done most times. :roll:
But yes, we have to move on whether we like
it or not. Especially when one has gone through
hell and back just to preserve one's sanity and also
save one's marriage. I have no respect for MILs who
like to say it's fine to change wives cos it's your right to
change but you only have one mom that you cannot change.
The one mom who brought you into this world and raised you well.
As for more educated MIL = to better MIL... :faint:
Soooo not true. Mine is an educated MIL hor. :roll:
She treats me like crap. I still have this thorn in my flesh each time
i have to deal with her or even talk to her.. and it hurts from time
to time but i try to conceal it out of respect for elders and out of
respect for my husband. It is very hard to respect a person who
doesn't deserve my respect. She told me to my face once and i
remember that loud and clear. Respect is earned, not granted.
I hold her to that. So keep earning lor...... :preen: -
cwc:
Seriously, thanks for all the compliments (Chenoneau, RRMummy)....dun really deserve it cos' I dun do that much esp now got helper, but mentally it is stressful, very, since I am also picky and petty type.
It's true that we are faced with choices everyday and in the end we have to live with our choices good / bad. I have no advice to share but really marvel at your patience thus far..hope and pray that things will work out some how some way soon.. remember to take good care of yourself.
A little story to share http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/when-adversity-comes-knocking -
sall:
It's ok lah... I try not to think of her as nasty lor... It's just a natural tussle over resources (children, husband, belongings). I try to frame the issue logically and take logical steps to counter it. Try to keep my emotions in check. But in my more depressed and tired moments, I do feel some self-pity but well... I think I'm better off than many DIL so... ok lah.
So maybe marry angmoh better hor... Then maybe a different set of angmoh mil problem.Chenonceau:
My MIL is educated. I kinda think education has nothing to do with it. I think that MIL just presume too much. The Chinese mentality is that when you marry a man, you cease to exist. You become part of that man's life. My in-laws would come into our room or my house and make off with MY belongings and lend them to other people without asking me. They asked my husband instead. Hence, it becomes a tussle over influence and power.
Chinese MIL believe that the grandchildren belong to them and they have rights to decide for them. Chinese MIL believe sons and daughters-in-law belong to them and they have rights to decide for them too. Chinese MIL believe that all that the son owns belongs to them... house, furniture, children, maid and wife. This gives them the confidence to come over to your house to tell the maid what to do, re-arrange your furniture the way they like, and lend your things to people THEY like. This means that nothing the DIL has belongs to her. Her husband is MIL's son. Her children are MIL's grandchildren. Her house, her furniture and her personal belongings also belong to MIL.
Even very educated MIL can have this proprietary attitude. My MIL is quite well educated. She reads poetry and plays the guzheng... paints Chinese brush painting and does calligraphy. BUT, she still disses my daughter and favours my son... and ignores me.
Very traditional chinese mil are like that. Grandsons are emperors and granddaughters are like grass. A friend complained to me that her mil forbids her granddaughter to eat chicken drumsticks because it's reserved for her precious grandsons. So the poor little girl only gets chicken wings.
Chenoneau, your mil sounds really mean and nasty. Reminds me of those chinese tv serials where the mil tortures the long-suffering dil throughout the show.
I think I've given a lot of myself and sometimes regret but then I always bounce back and think... well... why regret? I have other joys, and after all these years, I have developed a strange sort of fondness for her. So weird right? -
buds:
I really :salute: you for what you are able to endure. I know I will never speak to her ever again if I have a MIL like yours. At least mine is SIL whom I only have to tolerate once a week (and that is already too frequent for my liking :roll: ) but no choice cos she has the right to visit her mother. But she conveniently forgets that the house belongs to her brother and his wife, not her parents. She can't do what she likes and when she likes it. There are many stories that I can tell but I don't want to reveal the details in case she or someone close to her also comes to this forum. It's not about me being petty. It's about me deserving respect as co-owner of the house she so likes to visit, and respecting my house rules and privacy :stompfeet: . I also hate that she takes her parents totally for granted :mad: . Will tell you more when we do meet up.mummy of 2:
It's really not easy to forgive and forget, especially if you still have to see the person frequently and struggle to be civil
I know watcha mean, mummy of 2. :snuggles:
It is easier said than done most times. :roll:
But yes, we have to move on whether we like
it or not. Especially when one has gone through
hell and back just to preserve one's sanity and also
save one's marriage. I have no respect for MILs who
like to say it's fine to change wives cos it's your right to
change but you only have one mom that you cannot change.
The one mom who brought you into this world and raised you well.
As for more educated MIL = to better MIL... :faint:
Soooo not true. Mine is an educated MIL hor. :roll:
She treats me like crap. I still have this thorn in my flesh each time
i have to deal with her or even talk to her.. and it hurts from time
to time but i try to conceal it out of respect for elders and out of
respect for my husband. It is very hard to respect a person who
doesn't deserve my respect. She told me to my face once and i
remember that loud and clear. Respect is earned, not granted.
I hold her to that. So keep earning lor...... :preen: -
We WILL catch up... :snuggles:... so you can unload and feel better when you get home and ready to face yet another weekend with a smile. Oh she'll be soo scared with your smile awrite.. :evil:
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i think some kids in law do look down on their not so educated/uneducated in laws which translates into misunderstandings, dislikes etc.
they just didnt want anything to do with their inlaws be it before or after marriage.
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