桃花谈
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Imami:
Okey Okey, what I meant was Insider is very strict teacher, (where got others require homework, right. so you will be very good student, looking forward to reading your homework:)
eh ruohoo, 什么意思leh？ I was still scratching my head on what insider had said. Then wah, your post lagi best - catch no ball. Explain leh...ruohoo97:
:rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Dear Insider, 严师出高徒！ :salute: -
SAHM_TAN:
Yes, SAHM_TAN, that's a good start to try not to jump coz most of the time, it is nothing...Hi insider,
Just drop a note to thank you.
Today dd1 did something \"suspicious\". Your post abt paranoid surface in my mind. So I kept quiet. Usually I will jump and not just at her. I thought, I think back to my past and think some more and breathe. Took 2 hrs.
I asked my dd1 fr another angle, re-affirmed some rules, found out what happened and the matter is not \"suspicious\".
Thank you. Less one nail in the wooden post.
You remember about my sharing of my elder son's 3-am-friend-visit stunt when he was about 16 three years ago?
I can 'hold' my temper / curiosity for very long even towards a tricky boy like my son coz of the faith that I have in him that usually there's a reason for him to do something in some ways that I may not approve but nevertheless, my disapproval doesn't mean that we have to be in confrontation manners with almost every time we can sort out amicably...
Slowly improve on the instinctive 'jump' part in you and all in the family will also learn from you and all will be happier...
PS:
My elder son, if born to be someone else's, such as my second sis', son, may have got strangled long ago oredi.
His thinking is far away from mine. I am highly logical and he is highly creative and so we cant' really see eye-to-eye in many things. I prefer things to be done in a 1-2-3 manner while he can complete the same thing in a 1-3-2 manner.
I appreciate this son for giving me many tests to 'hold' my 'jumps' in many instances through the years and learnt from him that there are many ways to do the same thing and mine is definitely not the only way.
Very humbling experiences...
------------------------------
The question that may make one jump:insider:
My maid reported something to me this morning about my son. He actually sneaked in a friend at around 3 am for the past two days into his room. Fortunately, the one who came is a boy and not a girl, a classmate whom I know (this boy excels in sports and bad in academics. Heard from my son many national teams invited him to join but then his dad insists \"no\" for such invitation). He plead with my maid not to tell me but my maid knows such thing cannot be hidden away from me.
The emotional shock is normal. The fury of \"HOW DARE HIM...\" swamped over me and I recognised the feelings.
Went to work as usual to let the waves subside in me first and now I figured out how to deal with him when he returns at around 6 pm after his CCA from school.
The approach would be to ask him after a good dinner together whether his classmate X has any family problem and if yes, whether I can help. From there, see how he is going to spin his real or fake story...
Will update...
The answer:insider:
Essence of the exchange:
Me: Son, is there something that I don’t know that happened for the past two nights?
Son (puzzled face): What? Nothing special.
Me: Is X in any troubles? I heard auntie said that he came to our house at around 3 am for the past two nights.
Son: Oh, X. Ya, I meant to inform you but I forgot.
Me: Why so late?
Son: We have this ACES dance coming up and I am in charge of all the music mixings. I need X’s help to finish them in time.
Me: But for X to come at that kind of hour is too much. Don’t you think it is highly unusual for a child to go out at 2+ am to someone’s house?
Son: X stays so close to us and he is not a child anymore. His dad allowed him to walk to our house.
Me: You don’t find that it will be troubling for mummy to know someone actually visited us at 3 am without my knowing?
Son: I told sis and auntie about X’s coming and just that somehow I forgot to inform you.
Me: But auntie told me she wasn’t aware of X’s visit.
Son: Not true. I told sis and auntie at around 9+ that X would be coming and to wake me up in the event that I fall asleep and if they are still awake (note: I verified with them later and it was true that he had informed both. My maid is an Indonesian and so some communication breakdown here when she conveyed to me the msg).
Me: I don’t like people to visit us at that kind of hour. Can I take it that you understand this and it will not happen again?
Son: OK but actually it is really nothing coz we are really rushing for work and not playing.
Me: Maybe you should do your activity schedule properly so that you don’t have to stay up so late to rush for the project.
Son: If I want to do it anyhow, I would have finished it few days back but I keep thinking I can improve on it and so I want to perfect it (note: past few days I have seen him working on his keyboard with some computer music software thing that I don’t know how they work actually).
Me: Try work within your time limit and sometimes have to make do with your best work.
Me: I am surprised that X’s dad allowed him to walk himself at that kind of hour to our house.
Son: X’s dad is strict in certain ways and not so in another. You remember X used to stay in the Philippines (he has a Filipino mum and a Singaporean dad) and only came to Singapore two years ago. Probably his dad knows that I am a good boy and therefore allowed him to come. He quite poor thing lah. His stepmum and his step sisters don’t like him and he cannot go into sports that he like. He doesn’t like to stay at home.
Me: What happened to X’s Filipino mum?
Son: She passed away in the Philippines and therefore X has to come to Singapore to stay with his dad and actually he prefers to go back to the Philippines but his dad wants him here.
Me: Oh, that’s sad. Next time when X comes, you inform me earlier so that I can prepare some delicious snack for him but not at that kind of hour again, OK?
Son: Thanks mum! -
Imami:
Yes, this is considered as 施财.
I just gave away $10k of my hard earn money to a family member ...Is this considered 施财?
Recently about the four kids who lose both their parents one after another and now all four become orphans - readers if can try to donate some money to these kids. Their journeys ahead are very very tough...Imami:
Yes.施智慧得智慧 shd be teaching someone? Like be generous sharing one's knowledge?
If whatever you share and people can learn = 施智慧 = positive energy = your 无明 will be lessen for you to receive more 智慧.
If one were to 施牢骚 excessively to 'incite' others to also fall into having the same 牢骚, then is 施愚昧，得愚昧...... -
ruohoo97:
Okey Okey, what I meant was Insider is very strict teacher, (where got others require homework, right. so you will be very good student, looking forward to reading your homework:)[/quote] :evil: I hv the first draft already. Supposed to be editing it to be shorter but these two days, something distracted me and I was thinking if I shd add it in, and if so, how to add in... :sad:
eh ruohoo, 什么意思leh？ I was still scratching my head on what insider had said. Then wah, your post lagi best - catch no ball. Explain leh...Imami:
[quote=\"ruohoo97\"] :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Dear Insider, 严师出高徒！ :salute:
高徒 ah, 笨徒 more likely. I think insider will :slapshead: if she is to teach me. But oh, she cannot see 牛屎 .... :rotflmao: :siam: -
insider:
Can you elaborate on 施财 ? Is lending money also 施财？ or it must be donate or give away? Does the purpose matter?
Yes, this is considered as 施财.Imami:
I just gave away $10k of my hard earn money to a family member ...Is this considered 施财?
Recently about the four kids who lose both their parents one after another and now all four become orphans - readers if can try to donate some money to these kids. Their journeys ahead are very very tough...Imami:
Yes.施智慧得智慧 shd be teaching someone? Like be generous sharing one's knowledge?
If whatever you share and people can learn = 施智慧 = positive energy = your 无明 will be lessen for you to receive more 智慧.
If one were to 施牢骚 excessively to 'incite' others to also fall into having the same 牢骚, then is 施愚昧，得愚昧...... -
Thanks, Insider, for this thread. It is very thought- provoking and enlightening.
I’ve been wondering about the 施财 (as well as volunteering)- I’ve a special needs child and most of my resources (time and money) are spent on him. This means that I may not have the resources to donate/ volunteer even though I would love to. Is that considered selfish? For instance this saturday, my friend has asked for volunteers to clean somebody’s house. Saturday is also the time when my son has lots of therapies. Should I get someone to bring my son to his classes (would that be irresponsible of me?) and volunteer? Would that be "hypocritical" in a sense- that I choose to help somebody else instead of concentrating on my son’s well-being? -
ArielMermaid:
Hi Arielmermaid, though your question is for Insider, I hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts..Thanks, Insider, for this thread. It is very thought- provoking and enlightening.
I've been wondering about the 施财 (as well as volunteering)- I've a special needs child and most of my resources (time and money) are spent on him. This means that I may not have the resources to donate/ volunteer even though I would love to. Is that considered selfish? For instance this saturday, my friend has asked for volunteers to clean somebody's house. Saturday is also the time when my son has lots of therapies. Should I get someone to bring my son to his classes (would that be irresponsible of me?) and volunteer? Would that be \"hypocritical\" in a sense- that I choose to help somebody else instead of concentrating on my son's well-being?
Our kids are our 'direct' responsibility. If the person who takes over your task of going with your child is someone close and whom your child can relate well to, and feel at ease with, e.g. your spouse or parents/in-laws, and whom can take instructions correctly from the therapists, then it should be all right. If not, it may result in undesired consequences, like $$ going down the drain cos your child refused to coorporate etc. Perhaps, a change in timing for the therapy can be arranged so you can fulfill both obligations? -
Imami:
Emm…I think when you lent the money to your that relative, you don’t really have the intention of him returning? If that’s so, then is 施财.
Can you elaborate on 施财 ? Is lending money also 施财？ or it must be donate or give away? Does the purpose matter?
If you are expecting him to return, then it is not but it’s doing a good deed to 解人之危.
If you are expecting him to return but subsequently he doesn’t due to his difficult circumstances and you take the matter lightly (without cursing him and telling everybody about this person borrowed your $$$ and never returns), then is 施财.
If he subsequently has the money but doesn’t return, you have the right to ask for the money to pay back. If he doesn’t and you accept it as a lesson, it is also considered 施财.
If you not expecting him to return and if he returns, then is not 施财 but a good deed.
When we 施财, we do it within our means. Most of the time, we do have the means to 施财 coz this amount of money can be $1 to $1 million depending on our own family circumstances. It’s more like the % of how much we have and can afford that counts. (for example, a person making $1000 but donating $30 every month is ‘kinder’ than a person who donates $100 out of his $10,000 salary.)
Perhaps to add one last thing here, how the receiver makes use of the 财 that we 施. If the money is used to take drugs or to buy weapons to rob and kill, then it becomes a negative seed, whether we know or we don’t know (know will be a ‘badder’ seed and if unknown will still be a bad seed). If we lend someone $2000, then someone uses it to buy a gun, and then kill someone = it becomes a 共业 that we have indirectly participated in the murder (similar to 我不杀伯仁，伯仁却因我而死）.
So must 施财 ‘intelligently’… -
concern2:
Thanks concern2 for chipping in.ArielMermaid:
Would that be \"hypocritical\" in a sense- that I choose to help somebody else instead of concentrating on my son's well-being?
Hi Arielmermaid, though your question is for Insider, I hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts..
Our kids are our 'direct' responsibility. If the person who takes over your task of going with your child is someone close and whom your child can relate well to, and feel at ease with, e.g. your spouse or parents/in-laws, and whom can take instructions correctly from the therapists, then it should be all right. If not, it may result in undesired consequences, like $$ going down the drain cos your child refused to coorporate etc. Perhaps, a change in timing for the therapy can be arranged so you can fulfill both obligations?
concern2's reply is correct.
We have to do things within our means. Most of the time if we think hard enough, we do have the means...
PS:
This question is similar to Nihauma's question about she doesn't have enough money to give her dad. If really no money, then she can don't give but to give in terms of 'in kind'.
Everything we do, we do our 'best' and our best is always good enough though it may not be good enough in the eyes of others. As long as 问心无愧, then just live peacefully... -
so by doing good deeds, we are adding positive point
what if we are supposed to help but didnt managed to help?
for instance, if a person sees an injured cat in the drain, but didnt stop to help, probably due to following reasons ,
1) afraid of animal
2) scare of blood
3) no idea how to help
3) or maybe afraid of public glares (some ppl are shy abt doing good deeds in public)
for situation like this is, able to help but didnt help (with reasons), does this lead to points being deducted ?
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