桃花谈

[chloecube]

if we cannot do any good, then dont do any bad.


after following this thread for a week or more. i find that there are some improvement in my life (though not significant, such as lesser shouting and fights)and this does rub off on my kids and family members.
will continue to practise it. i hope this thread will not eventually die off.

thank you all

[Imami]

My homework.


Sorry I drag this long. I kept re-working, re-visiting Insider’s topic so that my homework be ‘within topic’. As I have mentioned before, I dread writing this. Becos it means opening up my old wounds again. Something that I rather do away with… As I trace back my life, I realize how I hv forgotten a lot things (as in, I don’t think of them anymore until now).

I grew up in a rough neighbourhood where many neighbours were secret society members, gambling den operators, prostitutes, loan sharks etc. Our family lived there for closed to 25 years before we shifted (when I was 15). My mum kept in touch with those neighbors. Some of them had passed away. From what I see, it’s really 出来混的，总有一天要还 (Hahahha very hkg drama hor). Those who ever kill/maim someone had very jia lat ending. One was thrown out of his family home, left living in the streets for years. One was knocked down by a car and died a blood death. One lost his mind and spend his remaining days in IMH. Those in vice trades were not any better. Most were in poor health during their twilight years. So, for my own sake, 我想做多一点好事，积点阴德。

I thought I was a kind person. At least until 10yrs ago. I would stop anyone from stepping on ants/insects on the pavement. I would feel sad when I see people plucking plants because I believe the plants would feel the pain. I get very angry with people who are nasty to small animals.

I was shown a Buddhism book when I was very young, before pri sch. It’s a very simple book with minimal words but descriptive pictures. I remembered how my mum would "read" it to me and explain the 道理 in the book. "Read" becos my mum is illiterate. I remembered pictures about building bridges/schools (mum said rich people shd donate to build schools, roads and bridges so as to better the people’s lives and at the same time their own lives). I remembered picture about plucking flowers (mum said if one "plays" with flowers/plants, one’s children may met with the same fate). I remembered picture about giving food to people (mum said we shd donate to poor people). I wished I had kept it, now want to find similar book also dunno where to find.

When I was little, I would feel apologetic whenever my father spit onto the pavement. In an attempt to "atone on behalf of my father", I would swallow some saliva whenever he spit. I imagined that I had a deal with Heaven - I couldn’t stop my father from spitting and sinning. But I hope I could swallow his phlegm (yucks I know), thinking that I could "atone" on his behalf. It’s like I "clean up" his act. Do you understand? Silly right? Sounds like defending my foolishness but if thoughts really count, I thought I was so filial. I couldn’t hav been more than 7 YO then. I think if I propose this to my son, now five, he would reply - Eek! Dun want! so dirty. Tell father don’t spit la. Ha, logical thinking.

I was molested by my cousin when I was around 5-6. That was the time when I was left in my grandmother’s care while my parents were working. I didn’t tell anyone except my then bf, just before he applied for the rom date. I wanted him to know, just in case this news might change his mind. He was very understanding and never mind it a bit. We ROM in less than a month from the time he learned about it. This incident didn’t affect me a lot but it had shaped how I teach my son about loving/respecting his body and privacy.

When I was in Pri 3, I joined the Red Cross CCA group. One of the activities was to visit the old folks home. I remembered how I was popular among the old folks becos I would try to speak in Cantonese and hokkien to them (these old folks couldn’t speak mandarin). When the event was over and we were all back in the bus, I was crying non stop. My friends and teachers were shocked and didn’t understand. I didn’t understand it too but I just couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t bring myself to tell them- I felt sorry for the old folks. Becos of this incident, I hv never gone to an old folks home again.

At 14, my best friend stole my ATM card and withdrew all my money. For some strange reason, my then working in the bank bro, found out and alerted the family. My mum managed to retrieve all my money from my friend and according to my wishes, they didn’t report my best friend to the police. Things went back to normal but I was never the same again. I was heartbroken. I could not understand, to this day, why she would do this to me when we were best friend. At least I thought We were best friend. It still hurt for me to realize that our friendship was not worth the $700+ that she had stolen from me. There is (still is) a little part of me that never really trusted people anymore.

I am no longer in touch with this friend. But the hurt still lingers. How do I 放下？

I met my hubby during the last year of our tertiary education. Marrying him was one of the best things that happened to me. While he loved me to the bits, I was never good enough for his mum. She had never failed to remind me about how good her son was. Naturally, becos of this, my mil was not one of my fav persons.

Around 10 yrs ago until recently, I stopped being kind. I decided there was no point being kind. My mum was so kind and nice all her life. Is she living any better? No leh. The saying 不是不报只是时辰未到 seem such a myth. I didn’t kill people put fire or that sort of things. I think I can 一手遮天. U get the idea what sort of person I am la.

I recalled how I earned my first "good" from my mil. She asked for the gender of my baby when I was about 5 month pregnant. Hubby told her it’s a boy. She replied a very cold "good". Hubby shot back,"why? If girl then not good la?!" I don’t need to elaborate on my relationship with my mil, you shd get the drift.

The time when I was pregnant was the happiest part of my life. except for one incident when I was so angry that I was shaking uncontrollably and my voice suddenly turn hoarse, I was mostly happy. I exceptionally enjoy the communication with my foetus. He hardly gave me any prob. I was happily eating, gaining weight, active and healthy. Most of all, I was laughing a lot.

My son arrived a week before the expected due date.

During my last gynae appt. Doc said my son’s head had not engaged and he would probably be delivered after cny (which was about one week later).

I was upset because I didn’t want my son to be born on the same day as my mil (her bday would be one week later, around cny). Can you imagine every year I have to celebrate my son’s bday with someone I don’t like?! Urghhhh… Cannot let it happen! During some quiet moment, I stroke my tummy and talked to my son. I told him,"xb (my son’s nick), mummy is ready. Can you please come out sooner? Tonight also can!"

That midnight, my water bag burst. My son 真听话。 ask him to come early, tonight also can, he really listen.

Things spiral downwards from the time I went into labour. I had a bad delivery with complications. I guess the 时辰到 了（ remember the 不是不报，只是时辰未到 ). I shall 轻描淡 写the darkest 2yrs of my life. A time of 怨天怨地就是不怨自己 and 'it’s the world’s fault!"。 If u use science to explain, I was probably post natal depression. But I believe there are another underlying reasons for my ‘misfortune’.

There were times when I was screaming until I ended up with a injured voice cord (and couldn’t speak for almost two weeks). Sometimes I yanked my hair so hard that a whole bunch just fell off. Once I bang my head against the wall so hard, that I black out. 自残是可耻的••• but somehow the physical pain I had inflicted on myself could take away my emotional pain.

There was a night when I was sitting on the parapet, outside the balcony. I lived on 22nd floor. Drop down, sure die. I held on to my sleeping infant. Then My son sneezed. Instinctively, I brought him back inside and hence, never jumped.

It didn’t help that my infant was always into trouble in school. I thought I had a problematic child, until I read one of Dr Shichida’s books on right brain training. In it, he explained how kids "turn naughty" as a way of seeking help. They need help but dunno how to seek help/what to do, that’s why they try to attract attention. Then it hit me hard - my infant was seeking help perhaps becos he knew I needed help. Ha, what an irony! There I was, the ‘She who is the mightiest of all’ didn’t realise I AM the problem but an infant knew! This realisation didn’t bring me out of my rotten state but it set the stage for the better days ahead.

The turning point came when I realised there was only my child with me when I was in those shitter than shit situations. He was sort of "thru thick and thin" with me, never forsaking me. One can use science to explain - oh, young children are ‘programmed’ to tag themselves to an adult as they also have survival instinct. But this does not explain why I can feel his love and concern for me. The little person who brought me so much pain (not that it was his fault) and yet, so much joy and pride. God has all along been very kind to me. Knowing how lousy I am as a mother, he gives me a wonderful son. Someone who doesn’t judge me, doesn’t despise me, loves me anyway. Someone who will come checking when he hears mummy screaming in fright," Mummy, is it a lizard? Or cockroach? I help you chase it away!"

Such a lovely and kind child. 人之初性本善。 ah, what happened to me? How can I stop working hard to be a good person? 有人说 儿女是来讨债的，我这个好像是来点醒我的.

I brought him to this world. But he keeps me here. If he didnt sneeze, we could hv been on 晚报 headlines already. Weird as it may sound, he is the only one who gives me unconditional love (not the other way). No matter now bad I look (trust me, after screaming like mad and yanking my hair, most kids would be frightened), whenever I cry, he would drop everything and hug me, telling me he loves me.

On my lonely way out of The dark tunnel, I did a lot of soul searching, crying and thinking. I could see for myself how my unstableness was affecting my infant. I began to see the link that many bad things happen becos of an earlier cause. Eg becos u didn’t keep the food properly, all the ants come and then the food cannot be eaten anymore. 一定要找出恶性循环的出口， if not, things will just get worse. 靠山，山倒。靠人，人跑。靠自己吧。靠自己走出一条活路吧。

It was through my son that my mil suddenly saw the little good in me. That I could be a capable mother. That my son grew so well in my care. She was always singing praises about my son to my sil (but of cos, it caused some tension between mil, sil and me).

I had earned some respect, through my son, from my mil. We were distant, speaking only when necessary.

Things took a turn after she fell sick. Although she has 3 kid’s, with one working in the same hospital in which she under went her op, she sometimes end up not having anyone with her when going for check up or review.

I felt very sorry for her. I am also someone’s mother. What if one day I end up like her (hey, highly possible - I only got one son! She got 3 kid’s also like that)? I also have a mother. I would feel very sad that my mum ends up like that. I decided call her and offered to send her to her reviews or settle her meals. That was how things turned around. These days, she would ask what I want to eat and cook for me when she knows I would be coming for dinner. These days mil and me can sit and chit chat for almost two hours at one go. Never in my dream have I thought this would happen. So those of you who think you are "suffering under your mil", believe me, things will change and it wont cause you a hand and a leg.

A lot of what insider had shared really did happen, either to myself or I see it on someone. I hv seen for myself how 之前种下的恶果， 后来长出了恶苗 . I haven’t figured out who/what/how certain things link up in my life but surely, it seems to me that the most impt thing is to be kind and filial.

Academic pursuit is still very relevant and important. But it should not be pursue at the expense of moral education. I believe, this is all the more important when it comes to bright kids. My son’s Chinese teacher once told me,‘An average person will live his life only one way, ie. To walk a straight path (aka be a good man). A very bright person has a choice - to walk a straight path or crooked path (i.e. be a bad person). Make sure your son walk a straight path.’ She come across as someone very cautious and wise, knowing more than she is showing. For her to tell me this, I believe she could have ‘seen/known’ something about my son that I don’t. Her words still ring in my mind every now and then and serve as a reminder for me to emphasize cultivation of the goodness of human nature my son’s soul and mind.

In summary, here’s what I learn from following this thread:
嘴教不如身教.多讲不如多想.
如果修心太难,那就先修口.修了口,如果修心还是不行,那就修行.成功的修了口和行,修心应该不难了.
孩子像小树,灌毒药,就长毒苗

[insider]

Imami


Thanks for taking the time and guts to write…

Your account is ‘interesting’ and I can see more ‘good’ than ‘bad’ from your past experiences.

Now I working. Will elaborate more when free.

Good job!!

[insider]

Maybe can watch the below first when free to reflect on what childhood can do for kiddos...



[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTU9cX0n60o][/youtube]

[Busymom]

Imami, the way I see it, (perhaps due to your mom) you have 善根 in you from young, so your son is probably your 福报 rather than 讨债的.


Sometimes when I look at my DD, I also feel that she is a blessing to me right now. And the blessing could be due to my filial piety towards my mom when I was expecting DD. Sometimes, it's just as simple as that.

Only problem now for me is, my mom was really the only person I gladly would be filial to, anytime and for anything. She has now passed on. So how ah... got to work on being filial to my dad and ILs, but kinda hard at times.

Guess that is my test. :sad:

[Imami]

Busymom:

Imami, the way I see it, (perhaps due to your mom) you have 善根 in you from young, so your son is probably your 福报 rather than 讨债的.


Sometimes when I look at my DD, I also feel that she is a blessing to me right now. And the blessing could be due to my filial piety towards my mom when I was expecting DD. Sometimes, it's just as simple as that.

Thanks Busymom.

My mum is another best thing that ever happened to me. Like Insider’s mum, she is 目不识丁but she has much more depth than many educated folks!

[Imami]

insider:

Imami


Thanks for taking the time and guts to write...

Your account is 'interesting' and I can see more 'good' than 'bad' from your past experiences.

Now I working. Will elaborate more when free.

Good job!!

Most welcome Insider. I am glad to have finally pass up something that I think can ‘see the world’. As I write, there was a part of me which wonder if I would be judged from now on. I do know, from experience, being able to consolidate and to share it, is part of the healing process.

[insider]

Imami:

Most welcome Insider. I am glad to have finally pass up something that I think can ‘see the world’. As I write, there was a part of me which wonder if I would be judged from now on. I do know, from experience, being able to consolidate and to share it, is part of the healing process.

Imami

Can share about what triggered you to decide not to be kind anymore about 10 years ago?

Can give an example of what you meant by you can 一手遮天？

Can also share something about your dad (you close to him? his character, etc) ?

Do you have other siblings?

Your son now is 5 years old? You plan to have another one??

[chloecube]

I think you might be referring to the 因果book

I spent sometime looking for it too, until I saw it in one of the temple when I went to pray for my FIL
Its free-printing donated by some one, took 1 home to read and explain to kids,at the same time to "refresh" my mind (yes, sometime u really need reminder to be good), some are too profound for my kids to understand. the book contain illustration, if they cant understand the words, then see picture.

The temple is called “万佛林” at bedok.

[Imami]

insider:

Imami

Can share about what triggered you to decide not to be kind anymore about 10 years ago?

A lot of different and little things. One day I just realised it didn’t pay to be nice anymore. There were people I knew who were plain nasty but nothing bad seemed to happen to them. Moving up the corporate ladder was not based on how much hard work you have put in. So long as you can smoke very well, know how to tango with the bosses, how well you can play the corporate game, and then you win liao. No matter how good I actually am/ how hard I work.

Who your father is, is actually quite important. How wealthy your family is, is actually quite important. I felt I was bypassed as potential hire simply becos i was not a local grad. I saw how my second brother struggled with life, being sidelined and having to work so much harder. If only we had enough money to also put him through uni education. Life was so unfair. Not everyone has a fair chance in life.

When the Lehman Brothers incident happened, I saw how people 家破人亡。One very close family member was made to leave the company simply because his boss didn’t like him and his attitude (this family member thought being late for 5min was no big deal and argued so to the boss. The boss hated his guts and forced him to leave). I saw how power could enable you to do what you want to do.

When my eldest brother and his wife were getting married, there were a lot of quarrels. Everything and anything also can quarrel. All I saw was how my mum was ‘bashed’ by my brother, his wife and her mother. When my niece and nephew (a pair of twins) were born, we were so happy. Becos my second brother and wife didn’t have any kids then, this twin was　过房 to them as god children (dunno if I use the correct term?). Unfortunately, we were hardly allowed access to them. As their only aunt, I had NEVER carried my niece and nephew BEFORE. Never.

See, how unreasonable/childish I was?

insider:

Can give an example of what you meant by you can 一手遮天？

I was very demanding and mean. The only right person in the world was me and me only. Bosses included. It helped that I had extremely good memory and worked fast. I was like a talking and walking company encyclopaedia. Because I was a pioneer in that company and had been there for a long time, i knew a lot of things. I was overly critical over work and along the way, created much disharmony in the office and made some enemies along the way. One of the colleagues who ‘suffered’ at my hand was a young girl. She was my assistant. Even though I had left that company, we kept in touch. To this day, this young girl still addressed me as “sista”, would call me out for tai tai catch up and would look for me when she needs advice on babies (she is now married with a kid). So as you can see, while I was a tyrant who went around trashing people, I was also very blessed to have someone like her, who didn’t bear any grudges. During our most recent lunch date, she thanked me for being so strict with her when she first joined the company and that she had learnt a lot from me. But of cos, she is the only one exception and I am extremely grateful that I have this one exception.

I had scolded a banquet manager, a waitress and a childcare centre teachers. I had screamed at a childcare centre principal too. I don’t even want to recall how many consultants/project members I have put down.

Funny the big bosses in USA (I worked for a US company) liked me. I was placed on a through-train management programme and headed/held key positions in many projects. I thrived on my bosses’ favoritism. I knew I should not be like that but I didn’t care. It was not important, because I was seeing result of my new belief (that being kind doesn’t pay). See where I am now? I am fierce and ruthless (I would drop consultants off the team without considering their rice bowl safe or not). But because I had the bosses pecking out of my hands, I thought I rule my world. I was tasked with overseeing the 26 offices in the whole Asia Pacific and Europe and had a dotted reporting line to big big bosses in California. A big and important portfolio for a young executive. Such responsibility fed my bad behavior.

insider:

Can also share something about your dad (you close to him? his character, etc) ?

I was quite close to my father. When I was a little girl, I would climb up to his lap every night to watch tv, until I was erm… too big to fit into his lap hahahah…

He would always give me $10/$20 to buy books. Given my family financial situation then, $10 is a lot. For the young me, he was very knowledgeable, could talk to me about the stars, how the planets orbit around the sun. He hardly smile (not a happy person, u can tell), but I could always put a smile on his face. He had always wanted a daughter. When my mother was pregnant with her first baby, my father thought of two names – one for a boy and the other for a girl. But this girl’s name was never used until many years later, when I was born.

My father didn’t have a good childhood/family upbringing. When he was still in his mum’s tummy, his father was killed during a fight which broke out due to racial disharmony (See people, maintaining racial harmony is very impt de). His mother blamed this unborn son for her husband death. If not for this accident, I believe my father would grow up differently. I think to a large extend, he is what he is because of his childhood. His mum re-married but the step-father died young. To make ends meet, his mum took up the job to clean the ship hulls. That is a very tough and demanding job which requires her to be away from home for close to a week each time. My father has two elder siblings and they sort of take care of him during the growing up years.

From the way I wrote, it is not difficult to tell that I am not close to my paternal grandparents. They had long passed away by the time I was born.

My father has a bad temper, has a small money bowl and big patch of 无明 (hahahah…. I think la). He has good mind, is good with numbers but poor people skills.

My father is not a good husband but to me, he is a good enough father. I grow up knowing/deciding I don’t want to marry a man like my father (oops).

insider:

Do you have other siblings?

Yes, I have 2 brothers. I am the youngest.

insider:

Your son now is 5 years old? You plan to have another one??

Yup, son just turn 5 in Feb. We have always wanted to have at least 2 kids. Unfortunately, the second one has never arrived (yet). The hope is getting dimmer and dimmer. Someone told me,”Give up hope la! When u give up, then will have liao!” It will be one of my greatest regrets in this life to leave with only one child.