桃花谈
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So strange…
As if one of my friends knows that I am ‘preaching’ over here, he sms me out of the blue:
"insider 啊，人生工作以外还是工作，也没见得日子过得比别人好、比别人开心。人生有什么意义呢？”
This friend is a builder (constructs buildings). 5 years older than me. Very busy man. The amount of jobs he gets per year should be able to give him very comfortable life (if I take per building construction is $1,000,000, he just makes a 15% is $150,000 profit per construction and if one year he only takes 5 jobs, that’s a very comfortable profit of at least half a million per year).
BUT he never stops working. Day in day out, plagued by workers’ problems, problems with building owners, problems with govt authorities, etc, etc.
So, even he is rich, his 福报 is no good coz he has very little time to 清心寡欲 to happy go lucky around. He is likely to die painfully from diseases (high blood, heart attack, etc) coz of the too much stress that he has been putting himself into while doing his 驴子转磨，兜来兜去兜到死 meaningless lifestyle.
Just returned his sms to ask him to cut his workload by 50% and start to 修身养性, told him that the money he is working for is really useless coz the quality of his mental life is no different whether he makes a $2 million per year vs $200,000 per year…
This one will meet up with him to try to ‘wash’ his brain… (he is a Buddhist with a "Master’ behind him. He does daily chanting of scripture coz that’s what the Master asked him to do for him to 消业. Master told him his 福报 is poor no matter how. However, I don’t believe in this. I strongly believe in CREATION, then we can create or destroy our own 福报. Well, that’ll be my main objective to meet him, that we cannot fall into the self fulfilling prophecy of poor 福报 means he will be destined to be such. He can definitely change it!!!) -
An interesting read that resonates w what insider is selflessly sharing http://www.esotericscience.org/article16a.htm
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我妈常说，本性难移。所以我以为我需要接受＂ 有魔陪伴＂. So, the key is to remove, not to keep it dormant… 儿子有双明亮爱笑的大眼睛。 when I "erupt", I could still see the fear in his eyes. Because I dont like to see this fear in his eyes, I want to control/don’t erupt. I "know" the pattern of eruption Liao. So I just need to make sure I don’t go off the tipping point, then I won’t be shaking. By the way, the seed is surely a trans-generation thing? Won’t be same generation?
On the 不知足. I still think "if only you (can be anyone) what what what or this this this, then good lor" but for some strange reasons (maybe becos of age). The thoughts would end up with"becos I not good enough , that’s why he not good enough lah’. Quote u an example.
Recently, I started browsing the in-laws thread and realized wah, so many dills got so many complaints about their mils. It brought back so many memories and I would go,"eh, u not alone la, I also Kenna this before." there was one particular one on washing dishes. I couldn’t remember what the poster said in exact now but it was something like "I am not going to wash your plates lor!" then I thought of my second sil and my mum.
This second sil is our first 媳妇。This sil dutifully washes the dishes after every family dinner. This has been the case for about 20 yrs. The few times she didn’t do it was when she hurt her wrist. Does she resent that( washing for years)? I dunno, I don’t think so. I knew some of my sil’s friends. One of them ever said sil had mentioned that my mum was a very good mil and she (sil) felt that she has two mums. My mum dotes on her, always thanking her for taking good care of her husband (my bro). Then I thought to myself, 因为我没这么好嘛，家婆当然没怎么疼我啦。
好教的小孩。I always thought teaching kids is a partnership between the parents and the kid. The parents must know how to teach to suit the kid. So I am always very proud to say 我儿子很听我的话 hehhee. I think I know how to speak to him so that he understand. So it’s not me but him?
不争一日长短，只在乎千秋霸业- 这象 及了老公和儿子！
I need to revisit the 修口修行修心。 u mentioned that if I succeed in all three, my 福报 will be great. Is this applicable for all people? How come your builder friend seems to get a different comment? -
Imami:
Then I thought to myself, 因为我没这么好嘛，家婆当然没怎么疼我啦。
Yes, that's a good example...Imami:
好教的小孩。I always thought teaching kids is a partnership between the parents and the kid. The parents must know how to teach to suit the kid. So I am always very proud to say 我儿子很听我的话 hehhee. I think I know how to speak to him so that he understand. So it's not me but him?
I am a bit concerned about \"the parents must know how to teach to suit the kid'.
While this statement is true to a large extent, if parents do not treat kids with utmost sincerity and unconditional love without the thought of 'manipulation', then the kids will see through the 'lies' sooner or later and then start to rebel. ('unconditional love' usually got 'hammered' in face when kids fail to meet academic expectations...)
Parents have to be role model - that's Priority Number 1 - and kids will follow even if parents give minimal 'teaching'...
I have very strong emotional connections with my two elder 19 and 21 years old kids (the younger 10 years old not up to that level yet).
When I say 'emotional connections', it refers to a point when I don't really need to say much and don't expect them to 听话 anymore and I have full faith that they will travel the correct path and will turn to me whenever they are in doubts for unconditional support. At this point, I may sometimes have to 听 their 话 and let them guide me...
Perhaps you can think along this line to build strong emotional connections with your child - with Open and Sincere Two-Way Communicatons - gradually reversing the role for child to be the Leader and then you the follower...(perhaps tentatively target at when your son is around 18 years old then you are prepared to 'surrender' yourself to him...)
You are lucky to have an 'easy' child to begin with and so don't need to feed him too much in terms of direct teachings. Just need to be a good Self and that's the best teaching for him.Imami:
Huh? Don't quite understand these questions...
1)\t u mentioned that if I succeed in all three, my 福报 will be great. Is this applicable for all people? How come your builder friend seems to get a different comment?
2)\tBy the way, the seed is surely a trans-generation thing? Won't be same generation? -
insider:
Maybe let me expand on my “the parents must know how to teach to suit the kid”. Then you see if my thinking is flawed?
I am a bit concerned about \"the parents must know how to teach to suit the kid'.Imami:
好教的小孩。I always thought teaching kids is a partnership between the parents and the kid. The parents must know how to teach to suit the kid. So I am always very proud to say 我儿子很听我的话 hehhee. I think I know how to speak to him so that he understand. So it's not me but him?
While this statement is true to a large extent, if parents do not treat kids with utmost sincerity and unconditional love without the thought of 'manipulation', then the kids will see through the 'lies' sooner or later and then start to rebel. ('unconditional love' usually got 'hammered' in face when kids fail to meet academic expectations...)
Parents have to be role model - that's Priority Number 1 - and kids will follow even if parents give minimal 'teaching'...
I have very strong emotional connections with my two elder 19 and 21 years old kids (the younger 10 years old not up to that level yet).
When I say 'emotional connections', it refers to a point when I don't really need to say much and don't expect them to 听话 anymore and I have full faith that they will travel the correct path and will turn to me whenever they are in doubts for unconditional support. At this point, I may sometimes have to 听 their 话 and let them guide me...
Perhaps you can think along this line to build strong emotional connections with your child - with Open and Sincere Two-Way Communicatons - gradually reversing the role for child to be the Leader and then you the follower...(perhaps tentatively target at when your son is around 18 years old then you are prepared to 'surrender' yourself to him...)
You are lucky to have an 'easy' child to begin with and so don't need to feed him too much in terms of direct teachings. Just need to be a good Self and that's the best teaching for him.
What I mean is, in all aspect (be it academic, moral/social education), the parents need to be able to lower down to the kids’ level and see what blind spots the kids are facing. Cannot all the time“我妈妈也是这样教我的” or to repeat the same words again and again despite the kid catch no ball.
My son was upset with my husband recently, over keeping the toys. After a playing session, we expected our son to keep his toys but he insisted the father to keep with him. Some unhappiness broke out when my husband lost his cool. My son came to me with a sulky face, hoping that I could help him nudge his father. Instead of passing judgement (actually I already judged that the father was right, son should keep his toys himself), I asked him to explain and I stated my stand (that he should keep his toys). Son explained that it would be more fun to keep the toys together as they played together and that that was what they did in school. Some kind of camaraderie, rather than pushing the job with the father. So I told him that his father might not have understood what he was trying to do (camaraderie). This time he would keep the toys himself and then go and explain to the father what he was trying to do. Son agreed and the father and son ended the evening in a good note. That’s one example of what I mean by “parents must know how to teach”. Cannot hurt their feelings but yet can deliver the necessary.
Nothing along the line of manipulation. Parents and care givers should not manipulate the children. I believe this (to manipulate the kids) breeds a bigger problem to come. 在孩子的心里，父母by default are held in high regards. So I believe, we should preserve this respect our children have for us.
Yup, agree on the unconditional love. I was talking to my mum the other day about young children giving us unconditional love. I explained how I thought we adults don’t give unconditional love. It is always with string attached, eg. “becos you are my son/daughter”. Only young children (beyond a certain age, I think this quality somehow has been eroded) gives unconditional love. E.g maybe a kid was wronged for something he didn’t do and got a good spanking. But if the spanker apologise (don’t matter sincere or not), the kid would be so forgiving and happy to forgive. For us adult, at the minimum we will still assess the ‘sincerity of the apology’ then decide. And in most cases, the sore point will still be there for a while. But for a kid, no sore point. He is just happy to forgive and forget.
Actually, from the interaction with my son, I realize that young children can sense sincerity or the lack of it, even if they dun know how to express it. When I 敷衍my son, he would try to stare into my eyes (as if there is answer in my eyes) then he would just clamp up, don’t talk anymore. So I know better already, I would tell him to speak to me later because I…. (whatever that is occupying me).
[/quote]Imami:
Huh? Don't quite understand these questions...[/quote]
1)\t u mentioned that if I succeed in all three, my 福报 will be great. Is this applicable for all people? How come your builder friend seems to get a different comment?
2)\tBy the way, the seed is surely a trans-generation thing? Won't be same generation?
For 1, you said this about me:
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?p=964041#p964041
If you re-pick up your 慧, practice
如果修心太难,
那就先修口.
修了口, 如果修心还是不行,那就修行.
成功的修了口和行,
修心应该不难了.
Your 福报 at later part of your life will be enormous.Then, you said this about your builder friend:
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?p=964671#p964671
BUT he never stops working. Day in day out, plagued by workers' problems, problems with building owners, problems with govt authorities, etc, etc.
So, even he is rich, his 福报 is no good coz he has very little time to 清心寡欲 to happy go lucky around. He is likely to die painfully from diseases (high blood, heart attack, etc) coz of the too much stress that he has been putting himself into while doing his 驴子转磨，兜来兜去兜到死 meaningless lifestyle.My question came about because I thought福报 needs to be earned. It’s not going to increase if one doesn’t do anything. So your advice to me was to 修口行心 and there was nothing about my work or how I should spend my time. For this builder friend, you say his 福报 is no good coz he has very little time to 清心寡欲?
For 2, I wonder if the seeding (be it good or bad, be it anyone), is it definitely from an earlier generation? Eg. My bad seed must be from either my parents or grandparents, cannot be from someone in my generation, cannot be from someone without blood relationship? -
Imami:
Yes, your above is very right...
What I mean is, in all aspect (be it academic, moral/social education), the parents need to be able to lower down to the kids’ level and see what blind spots the kids are facing. Cannot all the time“我妈妈也是这样教我的” or to repeat the same words again and again despite the kid catch no ball...
Nothing along the line of manipulation. Parents and care givers should not manipulate the children. I believe this (to manipulate the kids) breeds a bigger problem to come. 在孩子的心里，父母by default are held in high regards. So I believe, we should preserve this respect our children have for us.
Only young children (beyond a certain age, I think this quality somehow has been eroded) gives unconditional love...Imami:
I believe is friend maybe really have poor 福报. (I won't know coz I don't intend to tell his 命 but the way that he has been living his life already shows so - ultra busy, fat (no time to take care of himself), rich but 三餐都没时间吃好, always troubled, etc).
For 1, you said this about me:
Then, you said this about your builder friend:
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?p=964671#p964671...
My question came about because I thought福报 needs to be earned. It’s not going to increase if one doesn’t do anything. So your advice to me was to 修口行心 and there was nothing about my work or how I should spend my time. For this builder friend, you say his 福报 is no good coz he has very little time to 清心寡欲?
The first thing I need to tell him that he can CHANGE it instead of just believing in it and carry on with his 驴子转磨 lifestyle.
If he day in and day out just working, real working to the extent of feeling 'lost' enough to sms me that message, he will have no time to rest and think and ponder about meanings of 生命 (which is basically just to 把自己做好 and then the rest will follow).
We need to find time to 清心寡欲. Then our minds can be clearer and perhaps can do some 'life planning' that will include sparing time for loved ones as well as doing charity work.
This friend is in a state whereby he feels he 'deserved' to work so hard, to be so 烦 in order to make money.
But I will be telling him if his money bowl is not that big, then just don't work so hard and if he wants to make easier moeny, perhaps donate 20% of his income to charity since he doesn't really use the money to enjoy life. The moment he starts to do more charity work, his 福报 will increase. He has to stop looking at only his 命 and to start looking outside of it and then things will start to change.
His Master is a learned monk from Thailand. This one is someone whom my friend has been following for years. And so my input will just be an input and then I will leave it to him to believe whether his destiny of poor 福报 is indeed a fixed one or not...
PS: Friend ever asked me whether I want to meet this monk to tell my fortune but I declined. Think I still prefer to believe in myself at this moment. At later part of my life, then maybe yes, I will follow a learned one...Imami:
As said, the seed is either you carried forward from previous lives or was planted in this life.
For 2, I wonder if the seeding (be it good or bad, be it anyone), is it definitely from an earlier generation? Eg. My bad seed must be from either my parents or grandparents, cannot be from someone in my generation, cannot be from someone without blood relationship?
If planted in this life by your parents, then it carries multiplier effect.
If planted by others and not your parents, then it carries effect.
So in a sense, I will always try to study the 'seed' of a 魔 to see whether can resolve it (most of the time by forgiving, 放下）.
That friend whom I mentioned above. He gave permission to remove the life supporting machine of his dad when doctor gave the dad's children's option to do so during his dad's last moment. He thought it was a rationale move. Then his Master told him he had committed a very big sin for doing that and that he therefore had incurred much 业障. This piece of note from his Master troubled my friend a lot and therefore he started chanting scripture hopefully to remove part of the 业障.
After he shared with me about how he was troubled by his Master's note, until now I am still pondering about the 'truth' of it. More or less, I go back to my orginal Guiding Principle of I do things out of pure goodwill. if I have to remove any life supporting machines of a person for the purpose of relieving that person from pain and to move on, perhaps I will still do it. If there's 业障 incurred, then so be it coz basically I still feel 问心无愧 and I would still classify the removing act under 仁 (compassion to want to end the sufferings), 智 （a well thought decision), and 勇 (the courage to pull the plug).
So as you can see from my friend's case, not everyone is suitable to have their fortune told...
尽信命不如无命，
尽信人不如无人，
尽信书不如无书。
We still need to activate our 慧 to interpret many things personally in face of so much information available around us... -
Question: When we talk about having faith, faith in our children, that they will be fine, faith that things will turn out fine; this concept of 'Faith', how do you explain it in Mandarin and to an athiest?
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Ya, academic result is a bummer. I don’t know why I’m so hang up abt it. I don’t remember my parents being so particular abt it when I was young, I don’t remember much abt my life actually. Late last year I have decided not to bother so much abt the results but I’ve not been very successful. I know she’s a good child and I should be happy that I don’t have to deal with real problems in regards to her. Maybe I no problem find problems?
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concern2:
Question: When we talk about having faith, faith in our children, that they will be fine, faith that things will turn out fine; this concept of 'Faith', how do you explain it in Mandarin and to an athiest?
Erm... I no master but I can chip in la hor? Hehe
Faith can also be 信念。it can also be construed as \"confidence in\" ( eg I have confidence in my husband that he would not stray). -
insider:
I really feel sad for your friend. He is in bondage. I agree that not everyone is suitable to have one's fortune told. In fact, I would advise NOT to seek such information.
That friend whom I mentioned above. He gave permission to remove the life supporting machine of his dad when doctor gave the dad's children's option to do so during his dad's last moment. He thought it was a rationale move. Then his Master told him he had committed a very big sin for doing that and that he therefore had incurred much 业障. This piece of note from his Master troubled my friend a lot and therefore he started chanting scripture hopefully to remove part of the 业障.
After he shared with me about how he was troubled by his Master's note, until now I am still pondering about the 'truth' of it. More or less, I go back to my orginal Guiding Principle of I do things out of pure goodwill. if I have to remove any life supporting machines of a person for the purpose of relieving that person from pain and to move on, perhaps I will still do it. If there's 业障 incurred, then so be it coz basically I still feel 问心无愧 and I would still classify the removing act under 仁 (compassion to want to end the sufferings), 智 （a well thought decision), and 勇 (the courage to pull the plug).
So as you can see from my friend's case, not everyone is suitable to have their fortune told...
尽信命不如无命，
尽信人不如无人，
尽信书不如无书。
We still need to activate our 慧 to interpret many things personally in face of so much information available around us...
I knew of someone, a very nice, kind-hearted and caring man, who listened to wife and doted on son. I do not know why but he went fortune telling one day when wife was pregnant with 2nd child. The fortune-teller told him that if the 2nd child would be a son, he (and family?) would encounter misfortune (exactly what I’m not sure). He was VERY troubled by it. It tuned out that the 2nd child was really a son and he some how went to self fulfill the “prophecy” by taking his own life. I still feel sad for the loss of his life while writing about it. :sad:
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