桃花谈
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Dekora:
insider:
[quote=\"Dekora\"]Just wondering how our attitude should be towards those 欺善怕恶 type of people. I witness a colleague treating a fellow foreign colleague so rudely and all smiles to us the next min and even commenting that the foreign colleague is a waste of resources here. Human nature and relationships are the most difficult to understand
Attitude is to 敷衍 coz people like this can never be trusted.
For me, I don't even wanna talk to this kind of people coz if I 'friend' her, I may be seen to condone her behaviour.
Cold shoulders maybe what this kind of people will get from me (and I may tell this type of people off indirectly or directly) if she bullies the weaker ones.
If everyone can stand straight up, this kind of 墙边草 will not last long (meaning the problem is no one dares to be the 'bad guy' to point out her 虚伪 and therefore allowing her to continue her bad behaviour. So, while you may have the 仁, that you feel bad about the colleague who is being bullied, you lack the 勇 to protect her from the 'bullier' = 假仁......).
Yes, I agree that I didn't had the 勇 at that time to stand up for my colleague and this incident made me reflect on my own actions to. Especially what sort of role model I am setting to my kid. But now I know if I were to encounter any of this such incident, I am clear what I will do.[/quote]What if the person I have to stand up to is my MIL? She likes to 贪小便宜. For eg she'll say my son is 2 when in fact he is 3 yrs old to avoid paying entrance fees to zoo, science centre etc. There was once he broke a toy and she brought the toy back to the store demanding a refund by saying the toy was already broken when he opened it.
My mom advised that these are \"small\" things and I shouldn't quarrel with MIL over them. But I don't feel right doing these and is worried about my son picking up the wrong values. -
insider:
I guess you're mistaken.
I find this little exchange here quite interesting coz it touches on one of my 'guiding principles' - that I will not give 'extra' advice to people whom I think they should know what they are doing.
In this case is imami talked about she speeding, then others chipped in to warn her of the danger of speeding.
To me, I will not 'advise' coz I believe she knows what she is doing and therefore 'advice' may either make her or myself look stupid. It is quite impossible for her not to understand the danger of speeding and therefore, they must be a reason when she speeds.
But others may not feel the same, that they may feel that this kind of thing needs to 'remind' else the other party may not know.
This is NOT a reminder. It is criticism of undesirable behavior (i.e. speeding).
It is potentially dangerous and is Against the LAW.
I guess the Ferrari driver also feels he doesn't need anyone to remind him what he is doing is right or not, including probably drunk driving. That's probably what he feels.
Probably the taxi driver don't feel the same way.
Next, the highlighted part.
You know the danger of the act and yet still does it? Is it right? unless it is medical emergency, no one shd put other road user at unnecessary risk.
Yes there must be a reason. What is the reason? Is it justifiable? THAT, is the point.
Anyway, to each his own. -
I have been driving at average speed of 130km/h (speed limit) abroad for the last two years and would say I am pretty comfortable with this speed. However, once back in Singapore, I keep reminding myself to slow down and not exceed the road limit here. Not because I doubt my own driving skill but because I understand the driving culture here is different. Safety First comes to mind, both mine and that of other road users.
I don’t expect others to think like me, but I do pray hard for those who are confident of their driving skills to speed only on roads/time where/when there are no other motorists. -
limlim:
limlim,
I guess you're mistaken.
This is NOT a reminder. It is criticism of undesirable behavior (i.e. speeding).
It is potentially dangerous and is Against the LAW.
...
THAT, is the point.
Anyway, to each his own.
friendly discussion hor coz I find this is a good case that emerged indirectly.
To me, I don't really read it as readers are 'criticising' her per se (honestly from my reading) but wrote as kind of from 'reminding' angle though msg may sound like 'criticising'.
You touched on 'LAW'.
Err...to tell you honestly, I am someone who ALWAYS seems like bending the law and rules coz I feel if everything also want to go according to them, then must wait long long for most things to happen. I 'wriggle' my way through many things to get things done.
I don't drive and so I don't really know what made people driving at 130 km/hr. BUT, it is not uncommon to see my husband and my brother and even my friends sometimes driving at that kind of speed if the road condition 'permits' (midnight on express way). At times I will tell them that I am 'scared' but most will not slow down coz of 'I scared'. They will just brush it off and said something like 'under this kind of road condition, can drive with this kind of speed lah'. In most days, these people drive decently.
So, if i want to take their cars, I learn to shut up coz they are the drivers and not me (similar theory that I never criticise my maid for her cooking coz I can't cook better than her...). If I cannot take it, then I will have to kao-tim myself.
There's one major guiding principle that I have while riding on another person's car - that I will not take any car if the driver has had more than 2 beer before driving...
PS:
I have a friend who drives up and down of KL weekly. From what I know, he is driving at above 150 km/hr. My heart sinks whenever I think of his driving speed but I DONT breathe a word coz he is a matured man with a successful business and he should know what he is doing and that he still has two kids and a wife at home.
This is the point of discussion here - that do we dish out 'obvious advice' to others, who actually in the first place need not share with us this kind of information, esp if they know the moment they share, they may get 'reminder' or 'criticism'.
This discussion can lead to the way on how we deal with our kids - about when to dish and when not to dish out our 'kind advice'... -
Well, I will say we dish out advice to our children because they have not experienced the consequences. Nagging is saying the same thing again and again, the same way, over and over again. Doesn’t work. But a serious talk, yes, it works. Sometimes the children need another serious talk, we find another way to say it again.
Driving, well simply put, roads is a public good. That gives all users a stake. Road safety concerns me, my family and my friend. Metz rightly pointed out that road conditions and culture are different here and elsewhere.
For me, I was surprised that Imami said she would drive at 130km/hr as long as she can, even if her son is in the car. (and of course, being an adult, how can she not expect reactions from the rest. She does and she states it publicly.) Of course I would not know what factors she consider acceptable, I only wish to point out that we are not omniscient (ie know everything at all times) the unexpected happens.
Who drives at 130km/hr? Someone who has not yet been involved in an accident or witnessed one. They are truly lucky.
About taking the cars of drivers who go at that speed. I am not that sanguine. They are responsible for their passengers. I told dh and my children if they die driving at this speed, I won’t cry for them and they better hope that they do not take any innocent lives. I do not nag. I tell them exactly how I feel, my stand, and my expectations.
We are all responsible for one another on the roads. Regret comes too late.
(this is not directed at Imami. I ave already said what I wanted previously. Anymore is pointless. This is a reply to Insider’s point.) -
Imami must be driving a big car that’s why can run at 130. I drive small car never go this speed. How to speed? The car cannot balance or might overturn I think. Anyway the point is it has overshot the designated speed limit too much. How come no summon?
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I used to drive a lot in the US. The highest speed I have ever gone at is 150mph which is about 240kmh. Even that is illegal in the US, where top speeds of most highways were set at 80mph (128kmh) and 65mph (105kmh) when near cities. But the lanes there were so wide, so straight, and so devoid of traffic that one just unconsciously reach that speed, which was what happened to me when I glanced at my speedometer then and had a shock and quickly took my foot off the pedal.
Whenever I get back to Singapore after driving for a couple of weeks in the US, I always feel that the speeds here are WAAY too slow. But after a couple of days of driving on skinny lanes and curvy roads, I quickly adapted back to the 80-90kmh range. It is just NOT possible to keep driving at a sustained speed beyond 100kmh for very long in Singapore, unless you do it after midnight and on highways.
I was also reminded of an accident on the ECP years ago where a car slammed into the back of a truck working on the road at around 3-4am. The driver died on the spot. From the very long trails left by screeching tires, investigators estimated that the car was going at 300kmh. At that speed, there is no chance for the guy to spot the truck and brake in time. For about a month, the tire trails and the point of collision remained visible on the highway. Each time I drove on that lane with those tire marks, I tried to imagine what it would be like if it had been me going at that kind of speed and seeing the truck looming up in milliseconds and knowing that death is inevitable. It is sobering. I never went beyond 110kmh in Singapore ever again. -
ammonite:
Perhaps towards younger kids can do the 'find another way to say it again' tactic. But what's your thought on adult kids.Well, I will say we dish out advice to our children because they have not experienced the consequences. Nagging is saying the same thing again and again, the same way, over and over again. Doesn't work. But a serious talk, yes, it works. Sometimes the children need another serious talk, we find another way to say it again.
My eldest niece (that bad temper sis's eldest daughter) is coming 25 years old.
She is into missionary work and so will go to ulu ulu places like remote parts of Cambodia, Laos, China, etc, and that always get my sis so ultra worried.
Then, she will dish out her 'kind advice', about 'dont go out at night', ' don't walk on deserted street', 'don't eat street food', 'be careful of drinking water', etc, etc. Then, she will try her 'another way' by forwarding rape cases that happened. Almost every trip is similar.
She is worried sick whenever my niece goes on mission trip and I advised her to calm down and stop 'imagining thing' and that my niece should have common sense after close to 3 years of going for regular mission trips.
But she insists that must remind 'kids' regularly else they may take things lightly.
To me, this is common sense for frequent travellers in a foreign land. Should a traveller decides to walk on deserted street in dark night, this fellow SHOULD know the inherent risk of such actions and therefore has to bear full consequences if anything unfortunate happens. (similar to adult kids who smoke. To me this is 'freedom' and there's no point of going into depth with them of telling them 'smoking causes cancer' etc. My position for adult kid smoking (not that any of my kids is smoking) is, \"I don't agree but it's your life\".)
My eldest niece gets very pieced by my sis constant 'kind advice'. She ever asked me how come mummy has to keep sending reports of these rape cases, as if she doesn't know. How come cannot let go? (of course, my usual psycho talk of coz mummy worries 'naturally' etc). Basically she will trash the fwd emails without even reading. My sis' nag has forced my niece to tell her lies, that she is supposed to be in an ulu part of a country but she will lie to her that she is actually in town (her thinking, 'since you so worried, it means you cannot take the truth'.)
My niece told me about her lies to my sis and I am still trying to figure out how to break this gently to my sis to stop her worries and 'kind reminders' so that my niece will tell her truth instead of lies when she travels. This one needs to think a bit coz I cant really 'betray' my niece's trust in me.
My mum still 'reminds' me to have proper and regular meals and I can understand no matter how old I am, I am still a little girl in her eyes. I will reply her cordially. But most of today younger generation may not have the patience (they yawn...) and may choose the easier route of maintaining little contact and offering minimal info to avoid 'kind advice'... -
insider:
You speak as if you're condoning \"speeding' and \"TRUST\" the driver to be fully capable of controlling that vehicle. I don't feel that is right.
limlim,limlim:
I guess you're mistaken.
This is NOT a reminder. It is criticism of undesirable behavior (i.e. speeding).
It is potentially dangerous and is Against the LAW.
...
THAT, is the point.
Anyway, to each his own.
You touched on 'LAW'.
Err...to tell you honestly, I am someone who ALWAYS seems like bending the law and rules coz I feel if everything also want to go according to them, then must wait long long for most things to happen. I 'wriggle' my way through many things to get things done.
I don't drive and so I don't really know what made people driving at 130 km/hr. BUT, it is not uncommon to see my husband and my brother and even my friends sometimes driving at that kind of speed if the road condition 'permits' (midnight on express way). At times I will tell them that I am 'scared' but most will not slow down coz of 'I scared'. They will just brush it off and said something like 'under this kind of road condition, can drive with this kind of speed lah'. In most days, these people drive decently.
So, if i want to take their cars, I learn to shut up coz they are the drivers and not me (similar theory that I never criticise my maid for her cooking coz I can't cook better than her...). If I cannot take it, then I will have to kao-tim myself.
There's one major guiding principle that I have while riding on another person's car - that I will not take any car if the driver has had more than 2 beer before driving...
PS:
I have a friend who drives up and down of KL weekly. From what I know, he is driving at above 150 km/hr. My heart sinks whenever I think of his driving speed but I DONT breathe a word coz he is a matured man with a successful business and he should know what he is doing and that he still has two kids and a wife at home.
This is the point of discussion here - that do we dish out 'obvious advice' to others, who actually in the first place need not share with us this kind of information, esp if they know the moment they share, they may get 'reminder' or 'criticism'.
This discussion can lead to the way on how we deal with our kids - about when to dish and when not to dish out our 'kind advice'...
I wouldn't touch much on Law except to say that in this case, it is for the best interest of the general public that a speed limit is imposed.
To the part in blue, SG is a relatively densely populated country. It is not some place which is devote of human activity for miles. under what kind of condition? just because no other cars on the road you assumed that there will not be a little boy running out of the roadside chasing after a ball? or a quarreling pair fighting and chasing each other? if you're driving at 60km/h, can you brake in time? if you're driving at 130km/h, will the result be the same?
it is plain IRRESPONSIBLE. And perhaps a bit of arrogance. How often are drivers trained to brake or react in emergency(at high speed)?
To the part in red, you are in their vehicle, it's your choice to keep quiet.
My reply is, you are on public road, you jolly well stick to the rules of the road and the Law of the country. It is your private car but this is NOT your grandfather road. not meant to be offensive but just to get the points across. because I find the argument very skewed against road safety and public interest.
For the part on advise.. actually, I did not even noticed imami's speeding habit until someone pointed out \"speeding\". You see, my comments is not about the person, but the dangerous act, and the fact that you are appearing to attempt to arguing against \"condemning such an act\" just becoz you felt that \"the person shd known better what he is doing\".
I am going to nag again and repeat this..
You are the driver, it is your vehicle. I have no say on how you're going to handle or abuse your vehicle, it is your freedom and none of my biz.
BUT, you are on public road and being so, it is my concern, as a resident of this country. You can speed all your want in your own backyard and I am not going to even say a thing. -
insider:
She is into missionary work and so will go to ulu ulu places like remote parts of Cambodia, Laos, China, etc, and that always get my sis so ultra worried.
Then, she will dish out her 'kind advice', about 'dont go out at night', ' don't walk on deserted street', 'don't eat street food', 'be careful of drinking water', etc, etc. Then, she will try her 'another way' by forwarding rape cases that happened. Almost every trip is similar.
My eldest niece gets very pieced by my sis constant 'kind advice'. She ever asked me how come mummy has to keep sending reports of these rape cases, as if she doesn't know. How come cannot let go?
Your sis is right to be worried. I can totally empathise with her concern. And I don't think it's an unduly worry in your sister's situation.
Actually I think your niece should put in more thoughts for her mum. If she knew her mum is worried sick about her going on such trips, why can't she compromise? It's part of filial piety too, isn't it?
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