How to work with insolent children
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[quote]Actually DS1 is not crying because he wants to have his way or get what he wants. We have passed that stage and he knows that whining or crying doesn't work on us.
He cries when he is upset. [/quote]My ds age 8 is also still crying. Not just seeking attention crying. He past that too. When he's too angry to utter a word, he cries. When he tries to stand up for his right but no one takes him seriously he cries. When I told him his action/words hurt my feeling (I gave him a thorough explanation) he cries.
The only different for my ds is that he will tries to explain while wailing or he explain first or vent his anger first, then he cries. Luckily it's only within the family he does this and crying when his emotion is running all time high.
But for the rest of the things that I have asked him, he don't talk back if my request is reasonable. The only issue is when me or my husband dont walk the talk. He will sure quote examples and talk back. -
Hi Andaiz, Schellen & EN,
Glad to read about your posts..... Made me feel better that my DS1 is not the only one who behaves like tt.
EN : from what you described, DS1 is exactly same as yours !!
Frankly, DS1's frequent crying really gets on our nerves...... We always try to control... but but but .... very difficult !!
We are at our wit's end.... -
Emelyn:
I am not sure of your child's cirumstance. So I am just sharing some pointers.Hi Schellen,
Actually DS1 is not crying because he wants to have his way or get what he wants. We have passed that stage and he knows that whining or crying doesn't work on us.
He cries when he is upset.
For eg, he ran to the kitchen and along the way, he knocks down DS2. DS2 complained...and we told DS1 not to run and ask him to apologise to DS2. Well.... he will then start to cry...and say that he is not at fault.... DS2 was in his way....why we always say it is his fault.... etc. etc.
In my centre, we have this rule : 'You do not need to run in the centre because it is small enough and so do not need much time to walk from one end of a room to the farthest end of the last room. Whoever runs will have to practise walking properly five or more times'. So perhaps you may want to make it a rule that one cannnot run inside the house. Otherwise, you will have to practise walking . . .
Another point is that I have observed why some children cry immediately when they have done something wrong. Either they cry to let their parents know that they are already sorry ( the repentant one
) or they purposely cry loudly to soften their parents' heart, hoping that they would have pity on their wailing and so forgive or lessen the punishment meted (the cunning one 
).
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david59:
david59, there's also those who cry because they do not know how else to handle this (the limited-repertoir one :roll: ).[
Another point is that I have observed why some children cry immediately when they have done something wrong. Either they cry to let their parents know that they are already sorry ( the repentant one ) or they purposely cry loudly to soften their parents' heart, hoping that they would have pity on their wailing and so forgive or lessen the punishment meted (the cunning one ).
My DD1 is like that, so we have to continually ignore her cries and get her to do something constructive; i.e., move away from the scenario, or word her request differently... but that's for another thread.
Generally, the talking-back kind have great tenacity and are generally testing limits... -
Sorry to have hijack this "kid talk back" thread. Just answering to emelyn on our cry for everything kid.
emelyn, my ds is like me. We are very tough, jovial, extremely friendly to stranger and friends. If things get rough like being bullied or burden with heavy work load, we will just grit out teeth and happily work through the piles. No tears. If there is a need to fight back for our rights, I will and so will ds. I was knocked down by a car when I was 8, concious, in pain but no tears. DS does not cry either when he punctured his head (blood dripping), he fell and hit his head on the gate while running. But when things comes sincerely from the heart, we sure pours. I still do. Worst still during job interview. Lucky it was done on a long distance call & no webcam. Got the job, so I dont think the interviewer heard my silent cry.
Look back. Is your ds having the same temperament or personality as you or dh or anyone close?
I know it is exasperating but the tears shows sincerity and it comes comes from the heart. -
I think the thread is blurring the line with \"discipline\", which is currently being discussed under, something like \"spare the rod and spolit the child\".
But what the heck, it's worth reading :lol: -
Andaiz:
True. Esp. for those who did something wrong which I classify as childish irresponsibility as what James Dobson called it: due to the child's lack of motor skill n not a mischief; eg. like dropping a glass by a little two year old kid whose handling skill is still not stable yet.
david59, there's also those who cry because they do not know how else to handle this (the limited-repertoir one :roll: ).
Thks
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EN:
Look back. Is your ds having the same temperament or personality as you or dh or anyone close?
Oooppsss ! Yes, me and dd, exactly the same mold. :oops: -
daisyt:
erm.... DS1 and me.... same model too...EN:
Look back. Is your ds having the same temperament or personality as you or dh or anyone close?
Oooppsss ! Yes, me and dd, exactly the same mold. :oops:
that's why I can understand DS1's emotion and behaviour better than DH.
And also more \"forgiving\"...cos like i tell DH... \"I'm also like that....\" :oops: -
//Editor's note: Topic selected for http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/listen-child-talks-back
Very sad to read so many mums agreeing with the Autocratic method of telling kids to do as they are told with the assumption that their children are so dumb to know any better. Children are the product of their parents and come to us with wisdom, intuition and a sense of themselves. They are not in training to be adults. They are children and are living in the NOW. Let's respect that to begin.
Of course children are going to chat back, it's called thinking for themselves. We should welcome this time. I read a recent parent blog about parents paying to send their children to a course that provides THINKING SKILLS, yet when our kids think and talk back, we cannot bear it ! Very confusing !
Perhaps when your child talks back to you, as one mum said she reasons with her child. Good for you ! When our children talk back, it's so important as parents we talk back to them in a loving way and communicate with them effectively. This teaches them good communication! Answer their questions, reason with them and teach them. You are their first and foremost teacher, it's your job to teach them. You don't need to put up with rudeness or disrespect but you do need to address it in a loving way. \"When you talk to me by raising your voice, it hurts my feelings. Please don't do this. I am happy to talk with you and I don't like being yelled at\".
When children hear your feelings have been hurt, they are less likely to do it and more likely to apologise. However, when mums yell back, thus starts the yelling match and no body wins, no body teaches (Oh yes, parents have just thought kids to yell lounder!).
Don't use abstract words like \"I don't like it when your so rude\" - Rude is a label and can mean many things, instead spell out their behaviour \"I don't like it when you walk away as I am talking to you\" tells the child excactly what he or she has done and is more mindful about what is upsetting you. \"I am really disappointed that you did not ring me to tell me you were going to be so late. I was so worried about you\" rather than \"You are never going out again and you have no respect for not calling me blah blah blah\" -
\"You\" messages are very damaging and label and blames children - this type of labelling effects a child's self-esteem, distances you from the child who begins to dislike you, and is ineffective in making the child do what the child does not want to do.
So try LISTENING to your child rather than constantly talking. It really does help ! To listen mean to actively tune into what the child is really saying and no asking questions one after the other. Listening means to tune into the child's real feelings and to empathise with them. Listening means to suspend your own agenda and listen to what your child is really telling you.
After all you want to nurture your relationship with your child whilst she or he is growing up to think enough to answer back to you. If you shut your child off, your child will never tell you anything and as the teen years approach you will hear yourself complaining to your friends \"he never tells me anything\" \"I don't know what he is doing or thinking or where he goes\" etc. So start whilst your children are younger so that you will build a strong loving bond of trust and many loving conversations toward harmony and peace. In the process of talking and listening you will be teaching your child to think, become empathic young people and to relate to you in a loving way.
Skippy
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