Husband drinks & stays out late - Does yours?

[applecrisp]

[quote="Funz"]Just hanging out with my kakis lah.

Must give face or no face if leave so early when all still there
Need to unwind after work, very stress
Business entertainment, no choice
Boss there no choice
This fellas b’day, promo, last day, etc
One last drink and I’ll be home. 3hrs laters still not home

I’ve heard all these, I’ve gone through all these. Our house was beautifully renovated. Friends love to hang out at our place. Wine, liquor, coffee, tea, snacks, you name it we have it. Still he was out most nights. Then came DD, thought with DD along, he might find reasons to be home earlier and more so since we bring DD home only on Friday nights from my parents’. But nope, come Fridays, I am alone at my parents’ to bring DD home and when I reach home, it was just DD and me, until the wee hours of the morning. His reason, it is Fri, end of work week, go for drinks to unwind. Saturdays, golf day, his only passion, after golf, hang around for a drink with golf kakis, diff from weekday drink kakis. On Sunday, he’s a walking zombie. DS came along and it was still like that.


Dear Funz,

Thank you for sharing. I could really relate to what you wrote. Perhaps i have more - apart from all those "excuses/reasons" you mentioned, my hubby also has weekly gym, soccer etc etc. With so many activities lined up, how does his wife and children ever get priority in his life?

Today is the eve of public hols, and as expected, hubby is out and not back home. He’ll probably come back half drunk, and dead tired. Tomor he would be sleeping in, leaving little time for any activities to spend with the kids. We are already past mid 30s … how many more years must i wait for his maturity to kick in and for him to see some light? I feel really lonely … the kids are asleep now so you can imagine this dad hardly spends any time bonding with the kids in a week. i cant talk to my friends about this as i find this such a shame, and my mother doesn’t know my husband is like that. but i am glad i can at least talk here and get some advice.

i am already not talking to hubby - still mad over last week’s incident when he came back at 630am. I could possibly continue this cold war, and slowly detach myself, but i am not sure how long i can take it as it would be a long, lonely journey. As to whether he is having an affair outside, i honestly duno …

Thank you all for listening.

[Fireflyserene]

Apple crisp:

I fully feel how u feeling cos I’m in the same situation like u. H went out early on Friday but only back at next morning 7am (drunk). Try to communicate with him, H shouted at me & that’s end of conversation. No communication till now (H out Monday early 8plus morning till now still no call no return)!!!
V embarrassing situation to tell others… Guess some strong soul may think I’m crazy to tolerate these…
To keep the cold war going on is equally unhealthy in long run. No solution except to ‘stop’ focusing on H as we only live once & wonder if it is worth the pain (I’ve put my pride aside & even try shoeing my concern for him despite his unreasonable behavior - hoping this would bring some senses to H):(
Sorry not to discourage u, it’s a tough journey & need to be strong emotionally.
Nevertheless, u r not alone. Hope u soon find a way that works with ur DH & to see the rainbow after the rain.
For me, I can only pray… H is not repentant & even threaten to leave us (me & kid) if ever I initiate to communicate.
Thanks all for the patience reading this never ending prob…

[laughingcat]

Hi fireflyserene,


Since your DH doesn't want to talk, do you think writing a note to pen down your feelings for him will work? I really don't know will this work. But at least no harm trying. :hugs:

[hokkiengirl]

Fireflyserene:

For me, I can only pray.... H is not repentant & even threaten to leave us (me & kid) if ever I initiate to communicate.
Thanks all for the patience reading this never ending prob...

Hi, Firefly Serene,

I hope I'm not being kaypoh,but is there any way you can start to be financially independent? As in, get a part-time job or return to the working world while making childcare arrangements for your child? I mean, if your husband is threatening to leave you just because you want to talk about the marriage, it sounds as if he knows he is in the wrong but doesn't want to change. I'm just wondering if you want to live like that for the long term. Sometimes, guys need us to call their bluff, so they know they can't get away with certain kinds of behaviour. I hope I am not being presumptuous; I just really hope things get better for you and your child...

[Fireflyserene]

Thanks all for listening & ur kind advice. I’ve tried writing notes pening my thoughts & wish to work with H & how much I love this family. Even smses. H just ignored. To the extend that h give me a frustrated look when he see the note. H even told me that he wldnt be borther to read those SMS:(…

What else can I do to make him think??? Guess people always say when a man no longer love his wife, he will b v cruel n heartless:(
Anyway really appreciate all for reading …

[fightingmom]

Fireflyserene:

Thanks all for listening & ur kind advice. I've tried writing notes pening my thoughts & wish to work with H & how much I love this family. Even smses. H just ignored. To the extend that h give me a frustrated look when he see the note. H even told me that he wldnt be borther to read those SMS:(...

What else can I do to make him think??? Guess people always say when a man no longer love his wife, he will b v cruel n heartless:(
Anyway really appreciate all for reading ....

Hi Fireflyserene,

Even though I don't know you, it hurts to hear such things happen :sad: I guess you should make some plans ... Like hokkiengirl said, maybe you should start thinking about being financial independent. Love yourself more - do things that make you happy. Take up a hobby. Go meet your girlfriends. Though it might be difficult to confide in them, at least you have some company. It might still be a long journey ahead so please take care of yourself. Concentrate on your children in the meantime. Hope all will be well for you.

[Chenonceau]

FireFlySerene, I agree that you should strive for financial independence... This book may help? http://www.amazon.com/Act-Like-Lady-Think-Relationships/dp/0061728977

[longmao.029846irene]

FireflySerene,


I can feel for u. Like d rest hv mentioned, is it possible for u to hv sm support fr parents or relatives to help u wif d kids while u try work? I got no idea how old ur kids are, bt if schooling putting them in after/b4 Sch care is a solution. Otherwise they r really am v reasonable chdcare ( eg:YWCA or Ntuc wh cost abt 300-400 after subsidy) wif a hubby so Diffcult to communicate, Sh really start to do sm financial/emotional planning… As u can’t rule out d possiblity of an affair… I am sorry if I sound negative.
For thru my personal experience, I realize we must learn to love ourself b4 we can take care of our kids… It is nvr gg to b easy…,

I also dun quite agreed wif u tat u dun voice or make tis situation known to ur in laws, parents or friends. I poured out my grievience to my close gf, I seek emotion balanced. If he take things too way off I ever blown it to my in laws full faced. Bt of coz u mus find d correct timing to do so! I want to let his parents know what kind of son is! Otherwise they will forever b in d dark n me being d unreasonable wife always trying to pick on a fight… It does help… As he will feel intimidated, @ least for my case…

I wish u d best & hope u can learn to love urself mre.
Be strong mummy!!! D kids need us!!

[Fireflyserene]

Thanks for all the encouragement. Btw. My MIL has passed away yrs ago. Anyway, I can’t confide in her since the day of marriage- cos initially when H drink n return late & we are 'quarrelled", MIL told me in front of H that man flirting outside (feng Chang zuo xi) never mind. When H went oversea MIL hinted I shldnt go back to my parents home. I don’t blame MIL now although I did when aforesaid happened just at initial marriage. I guess MIL was overly protective of her DS.

My parents helped me a lot but lately their health condition not so good (both undergo operations, but lucky they r ok now). Just that they r old n at times I feel v sorry to burden them at such elderly age. They should b enjoying precious life now.
Subconsciously I thik I’m hoping H wld think n treasure family but knowing there is no real solution unless H wishes to. Letting go- leading own life but I worry I will not be able to save this family forever. I put all responsibility on myself to "save" this family:( find myself hopeless.
Appreciate all d kind encouragement n sorry if I still sound negative n not able to move on…

[Fireflyserene]

H initially will try to give excuses (all sort of reasons) for no return or back at wee hrs to pacify me. But as times go by, H noted I still forgive or can’t do anything abt it, H even unreasonably asked me if he can just leave home & us and don’t want to be back anymore! Can spouse just leave as n when like it after marriage? I ask H why. H rebutted that H may kill me one day!

I can’t believe it - so cruel threat…