don't really know how to talk to wife

[TheAnswer]

I believe as a couple, we should be wise in the words we use to ‘reprimand’ each other. I also believe in talking about issues behind closed doors. If possible, always do try to resolve issues before bedtime.

[Sun_2010]

Joule:

cherrygal:

Thanks for reading Joule...


I am sure you married a woman who is very smart, capable and interesting. That's precisely the reason why you are now in this situation coz she wants to be smarter than you, more capable than you and more interesting than you.

And what's wrong with that? This need not be a competition to see who's smarter. A good leader (you), should recognize her abilities and use them in the right places so that you need not spend so much time doing those things. In management speak, a good manager is efficient only if he knows how to delegate. You are not a manager if you end up doing all the work.

Ask yourself. Do you want a wife who can help you, or a wife who is a ditz but makes you feel important?

The only obstacle here is that your wife needs to know she can present her argument but she cannot add personal insults that hurt. No hitting below the belt. Make sure she knows the rules.

And there is a Chinese saying 大智若愚 which means the smartest person is the one who ACTS incapable. What's there to lose?

I don't think you get it at all. Nope.

Aiyah Joule, she is trying to help .
My problem stems from the lack of communication with wife with regards to criticism and negative feedback. Rather, I am trying to do what those relationship books say and 'talk' it out.

Communicating negative issues is never easy.
Unless you have set good and easy communication in other areas first, dont even think of criticising.

E.g. When I say \"I am really unhappy when you criticize me in front of the maid and children\"

The appreciated answer is:
\"I'm sorry, I will take note and change....blah blah\"

hmmm... its more like the answer you anticipate.
Agreed it seems reasonable. But if your DW doesnt feel so?

The gotten answer is....well, you can guess what the answer is.

Me thinks your DW is angry too. Or hurt . Or both.
Mutual respect is very important. The need to belittle one arises when one is hurt.
Women can be very caustic when hurt. You see our ego doesnt let us tell you why we are hurt. Telling it could make us look petty. And it doesnt let us forgive either.


Do you get it? No?

Likewise, I wrote as a rant that I have a high failure rate of communicating with wife with regards to negative feedback....and you have highlighting things like wife being interesting, capable and smart.

Are you my wife? The way you fail to 'get it' is very similar. I must make a note to see if she has a ksp account.
:nunchuk: someone is being mean

Ask yourself. Do you want a wife who can help you, or a wife who is a ditz but makes you feel important?

You know, I am not lying but I speak for many men and sometimes men don't mind a certain amount of ditziness around as long as they make them feel important...once in a while.
Atleast you are honest.
True most men want a wife who will do everything and yet pretend to be so dumb. Bitter truth is most men need an ego massage above all. It makes them feel manly , maybe?

[Funz]

Hi Joule, I think I was, and still at times guilty of what your wife is doing. DH always say that I am more eloquent than he is and he feels lousy whenever we disagree as he is unable to put his point across as quickly or as clearly as I can. And when I get riled, I talk really fast so in the end, he will just clamp up. And when he clamps up, he feels that he is giving in and letting me win.


To me, it frustrates me to no end when he clamps up. I feel that things are not resolved. I do not see it as him giving in or me winning but him not wanting, not interested, to work the issue through, to get his point across to me and to let me get my point across to him.

Sometimes in an arguement, there is no consensus. It is ok to disagree but at least the other party knows how you feel or what you think about that issue. If you clamp up and stop talking, you cannot blame the other party for not bothering.

Talk to your wife, let her know how you feel. You owe it to yourself and also to be fair her as well.

[Funz]

Joule:

You know, I am not lying but I speak for many men and sometimes men don't mind a certain amount of ditziness around as long as they make them feel important...once in a while.

I think this is so true. Many friends, guys as well as gals have told me. Be less independant, be a damsel in distress sometimes, lean on your man, act the bimbo once in a while. It really does boost his ego.

[Joule]

Funz:

Joule:

You know, I am not lying but I speak for many men and sometimes men don't mind a certain amount of ditziness around as long as they make them feel important...once in a while.

I think this is so true. Many friends, guys as well as gals have told me. Be less independant, be a damsel in distress sometimes, lean on your man, act the bimbo once in a while. It really does boost his ego.

You know that story of the dragon slaying knight from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? He left his princess and settled down with another woman who didn't know anything about slaying dragons.

go read it. or google it. Good to know.

[Joule]

[quote]
Are you my wife? The way you fail to 'get it' is very similar. I must make a note to see if she has a ksp account.
:nunchuk: someone is being mean[/quote]I mean no offense to Cherrygal but this is a prime example of how misunderstandings occur and this is the type of misunderstanding that plagues wife and I from time to time! I talk A she think I am talking B

[sailorman]

your wife sounds very capable. Just maybe a silly suggestion:-

you should start a small biz for her to run. When she encounter problems, will come looking and talking to you. She may be tame thereafter. Who knows, thru the undertaking, your relationships may improve.

Sadly, at least for me, other than our kids, the biz seems to be the only other thing we are keeping in conversation.

[Funz]

Joule:

Funz:

[quote=\"Joule\"]You know, I am not lying but I speak for many men and sometimes men don't mind a certain amount of ditziness around as long as they make them feel important...once in a while.

I think this is so true. Many friends, guys as well as gals have told me. Be less independant, be a damsel in distress sometimes, lean on your man, act the bimbo once in a while. It really does boost his ego.

You know that story of the dragon slaying knight from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? He left his princess and settled down with another woman who didn't know anything about slaying dragons.

go read it. or google it. Good to know.[/quote]I know, men need to feel that they are needed. Took me awhile to understand what all these friends were telling me. But there's also a reason why I was so independant, character as well as circumstances. Long story.

Seriously, think about your situation. Is your wife talking like that to you because she is intentionally trying to belittle you or is that just who she is. If you think she is just being who she is, let go of your resentment first and remember, she is just being herself. Find a time to let her know how you feel. Don't expect things to change immediately but if you do see her making the effort, acknowledge it. If you think she is intentionally trying to make you feel lousy, I think you will have to dig further and find out what caused this attitude and try and take it from there. Ultimately, if there is still love between you two, there is hope that things can improve.

[Joule]

thank you funz


yes, I am very sure it is not on purpose.

we do have our good times. It’s just that I don’t have my desired reactions and get exasperated from time to time. Got to cool off oneself and do things to ease up.

of course, I will write to ksp to vent a bit from time to time.

I am sure things will be better.

thank you again

[Canvas]

Maybe it’s time to go for a short getaway, just your wife and you if possible. Human do get complacent after a while and may have forgotten the sweetness between them during the start of the courtship. Resentment in a marriage is unhealthy and will unconsciously hurt the others involved e.g children.


I believe in speaking in the right tone (everyone needs a different one) to each other. Sometimes a gentle reminder is needed once in a while if the other party is not sensitive enough. I remember reading somewhere to always use "I feel…" instead of saying "You make me…" In which the latter sounds more confrontational.

Good luck.