No Problem is problem
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Jennifer:
Totally agree with you Jennifer! Having children really is damaging to a marriage, or more appropriately, a relationship. That's why they say \"marriage is the graveyard of romance\". My DH also complains I have black face when he comes home. Unlike a working mother, SAHM is home most of the time and has no one to talk to when she faces frustrations dealing with kids, maids, and other household chores. It's very true that these -ve feelings will slowly build up, especially without a supportive and understanding husband, and eventually turn into indifference and even worse attitude. However, there's no way out as we're already married w/ kidsAfter years of mediating disputes, big or small, between my two children (13 y.o and 8 y.o) almost daily, I wish I had not married or had married but did not hv children. Maybe it's just me. I think having children can do damage to a marriage. Maybe that's why many modern couples now choose not to have children.
Trust me on this one, it is definitely not healthy to be on a bad mood everyday. DH can comment why I always black faced when he comes home from work. Those who work are taught to leave whatever unhappiness in office outside the home's doorstep. What about stay at home mothers? Whose doorstep can they leave their unhappiness? It just get built inside the system day in day out. And finally it erupted into feeling nothing for the family, just staying together for the sake of staying together, becos there is still a sense of responsibility towards the husband and the young children. That's why we see middle aged divorces when the children in the marriage grow up and become independent.
Having said all these, I still feel blessed to have 2 lovely kids :love:. A coin has 2 sides. While I sometimes envy some of my single girl friends who are successful in their career and are free to do whatever they want, I'd feel I'm missing something if I didn't have kids. -
Jennifer:
No worries Jennifer. Cheer up. Having teenage kids not easy nowadays. We all have unhappy times with the kids when they are not guai. But just tell yourself, this is a learning process for them. Its part and puzzle of growing up life. If we give up on them, they would give up on themselves. Jia you!All children were cute when very young. Some turned monstrous later. For me with a short fuse, it can be worse for the parent.
Many times I ask myself if my expectations of how they should know how to take care of themselves makes me unhappy when they fall short of my std. What do I really want out of my children?
Sorry for the rant. Been feeling very unhappy lately.
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minnie2004:
Just imagine, if our parents tell us, we are damaging to their relationship, they rather choose not to have us because they miss out so many good things in life all because of us, how would we feel? If they say that to me when I am at my teenage time, I would feel very very upset, heart breaking and sad ....Totally agree with you Jennifer! Having children really is damaging to a marriage, or more appropriately, a relationship. That's why they say \"marriage is the graveyard of romance\". My DH also complains I have black face when he comes home. Unlike a working mother, SAHM is home most of the time and has no one to talk to when she faces frustrations dealing with kids, maids, and other household chores. It's very true that these -ve feelings will slowly build up, especially without a supportive and understanding husband, and eventually turn into indifference and even worse attitude. However, there's no way out as we're already married w/ kids
Having said all these, I still feel blessed to have 2 lovely kids :love:. A coin has 2 sides. While I sometimes envy some of my single girl friends who are successful in their career and are free to do whatever they want, I'd feel I'm missing something if I didn't have kids.
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To spend 25 yrs of my life learning/studying is siong.
To spend another 25 yrs of my life jiaga (look after) kids, so that they will not take wrong paths, is lagi siong...
By then, I old old liow..... 55++ :!: Those married later, lagi older....
Climb Great wall of China, no stamina liow...
This is life???? :stupid: :? -
daisyt:
Just imagine, if our parents tell us, we are damaging to their relationship, they rather choose not to have us because they miss out so many good things in life all because of us, how would we feel? If they say that to me when I am at my teenage time, I would feel very very upset, heart breaking and sad ....
Sadly that's what my mom told me when I was pregnant w/ no. 2. She didn't exactly say we (me & my brother) ruined her marriage, but she said she wished she didn't give birth to us. I was so hurt :shock: :x back then. How could she say such a thing?? She said she didn't want me to suffer as bringing up kids is no easy task at all. My brother had complications during birth and my parents' marriage has never been a smooth sailing, but they stay together just b/c of us. Now that I have my own family and kids, I can finally start to understand where she was coming from, although I'd never say such words to my own kids.
In fact becoming a mom is like opening my eyes to a different world, a lot of things I couldn't understand before suddenly become so clear. -
Donkey Kong:
think u r just venting. sometimes we just want to take time to think for ourselves given we've been giving and giving to other people. we feel we sacrifice for our spouse, for our children etc. its normal to wish we could think for ourselves once in a while.To spend 25 yrs of my life learning/studying is siong.
To spend another 25 yrs of my life jiaga (look after) kids, so that they will not take wrong paths, is lagi siong...
By then, I old old liow..... 55++ :!: Those married later, lagi older....
Climb Great wall of China, no stamina liow...
This is life???? :stupid: :?
however to keep wallowing in self-pity abt your situation is not healthy. if possible, seek help from a professional counsellor or psychologist, as a couple. otherwise the family relationship wil keep weakening. i believe u love your wife, or at least your son enough to want him to grow up in a complete family. if so, u need to work hard at it.
therefore pls snap out of this self-pitying mode and read thru what many well-meaning KSPs have taken the time to share with u. this is your own life and the life of people u care about. its not even ours - but we certainly wish things turn out better for you, in time to come. take care.. -
Parenting is tough, esp. with rebellous kids.
Those with guai guai kids will never understand.
Change? :idea: anyone can change. When they do, they aren't in their original forms. Just like you go to carpark, someone painted your car black... :?
Hope to meet more parents with shouting/yelling at home. So to discuss how to handle these issues. :love: -
Donkey Kong:
Hope to meet more parents with shouting/yelling at home. So to discuss how to handle these issues. :love:
I have the above scenario you described. Sorry no solution found yet. if you did before me, pls share. -
Human, at different stage, behave differently. We change in mindset, due to the type of exposure we have, the higher education we receive, the media influence, the peers influence and many many more. Being a matured adult person, we can tell the difference between good and bad. For kids, they need our guidance. How many kids out there are really guai guai type? I doubt not many. Rebellous kids = bad kids? .. not necessary. Each time, when I am very disappointed on certain issues on my child, I would tell myself, which child don't give parents problems? Its just different set of problems for every children and the level of problems. My child too, like ordinary kids, give me many problems too. I ask myself many many WHYs too but after cooling down, I would think of ways to guide her. A teacher told me this \"ε©εοΌεͺδΈͺδΈη―ιοΌζιθ¦ζ―η₯ιοΌη¨εΏεθ‘ε¨ε»ζΉβ
Staying in the same block of me, there is this girl, she has low IQ (a little down syndrom). Every morning, when I send my child down, I would see her parents sending her down too. This girl insisted them just stop at the void deck and she would walk by herself to the MRT station, which is one block away. I see the parents waiting at the void deck, the mum, holding a hand phone. After a while, she would call her child. Once, the mum was very anxious because the child only answered her call after a few times of calling. Whenever I see this girl, I would tell myself, I am very fortunate to have a healthy child.
If you all still remember the 4yo girl, Charmain who has cancer? Inside her mum's heart, she must be wishing hard, to have the opportunity to watch Charmain grows up and gives her the different type of problems at different stage. Compare to her, I am very fortunate, to have a normal child who gives me problems.
We all know right from the beginning, when we decided to have children, it is our responsibility as a parent, to guide them, love them and teach them. Maybe there should be a vow for the parents to take, after child birth, just like marriage vow. In life, nothing is easy.
Yelling and shouting, for the purpose of waking up the child when he commits a serious mistake, I think is reasonable. But if yelling becomes a daily issue, it becomes a norm. We are mature adults, we should learn to control ourselves, to cool down ... We always teach our kids, whenever they want to throw their temper, take a deep breath and count 1 to 10. We can do that too. -
daisyt:
Well said, daisyt.
We all know right from the beginning, when we decided to have children, it is our responsibility as a parent, to guide them, love them and teach them. Maybe there should be a vow for the parents to take, after child birth, just like marriage vow. In life, nothing is easy.
Thank you for sharing ....
Food for thought ....
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