Raising Resilient Children

[prata_queen]

Funz, no worries haha.


Well, I would think a 7yo would be more aware of the ‘dangers’ of the male species than a 4yo. Anywayz, my alma mater is an all girls convent school. 20 years ago, we only had 1 male teacher amongst the entire school of girls and lady teachers.

[prata_queen]

We seem to have 2 camps replying to the original topic vs my post on male teachers. Sorry markfch for ‘hijacking’ your thread!

[Chenonceau]

markfch:

Then one day, the student care admin told me straight-in-my-face that ds doesn't know how to socialise. In her own words, she said, \"Your son is not street smart, I don't know how to help him.\" Boy, that still hurts till today. :frustrated:


Now, I totally disagree with her judgement.

Parenting is such a fine skill nowadays. Luckily I'm enjoying it.

And it looks like you're doing a fine job too... for if you don't have faith in your son, who else will?

:udaman:

[Funz]

insider:

My take (being a believer of more nature then nurture):

If a child has a certain inclination towards something, over the long run, the child will still go towards that direction REGARDLESS of how parents try to mould /unmould etc. We may think that we have successfully achieved our 'objective' now by trying to do/advise something against something, but the long term effect may still be null. We may have lived in the illusion of that we have done something right for our kids but only time can tell whether such actually build or harm our kids in their overall emotional development journey (academic journey is always far easier to build than the emotional one).

Insider this is my fear, deep deep down, that DD is hardwired to respond this way. But that does not mean I do not try to mould her towards something less harmful. I still hold the hope that even if she may hardwired a certain way, with constant guidance and influence, maybe it will cushion the natural development of this negative trait.

[Funz]

:imcool: I'm patting myself on my back now. I managed to read that what Insider posted in Chinese without having to check up how to read some words. Hahah.


Insider, thank you very much for your inputs.

I don't normally tell my kids how to go about resolving their problems instead I will keep asking them questions to get them thinking and reflecting. I don't believe in solving their problems for them. Little things like the kids coming to me complaining that some kid at the playground is using vulgar language at them, I will ask them so what do you think you should do. Or when they have a disagreement, I will be of no help as I will tell them to think of a way to come to an agreement.

When they confide in me certain things, I may give my opinion and suggestions but what they do thereafter, that is their decision. Unless it is something that is destructive to themselves or towards the people around them, I will try to leave them to muddle through.

The incident yesterday when Mama Bear reared her head, I must admit, Prideful Mama was egging Mama Bear on as well. My biggest flaw is being too prideful. I did not like the idea of my child apologising when she has done no wrong. It is ok to still be friends with L but there is no need to go begging for her friendship. That is my pride speaking.

Ok pride aside. In the situation between DD and L, it is not so much the dynamics of her relationship with L (oh by the way, they are friends again today :roll: ) that bothers me, it's that particular trait (that caught your attention) that DD seem to be exhibiting that is worrying me.

Where DS is concern, yup he appears to have a pretty high EQ. And like I said, parenting DS, up until now has been a breeze. And rest assured I will not be that kiasu. It is hard work being a kiasu parent. I am too lazy to be that kind of kiasu parent.

[markfch]

prata_queen:

We seem to have 2 camps replying to the original topic vs my post on male teachers. Sorry markfch for ‘hijacking’ your thread!

Don't worry about it. You're more than welcome to post here. I also get to learn from some of the tips provided.

Chenonceau:

And it looks like you're doing a fine job too... for if you don't have faith in your son, who else will?

Thanks Chen. Yalor, I'll never give up on my son.

[markfch]

insider:

If a child has a certain inclination towards something, over the long run, the child will still go towards that direction REGARDLESS of how parents try to mould /unmould etc. We may think that we have successfully achieved our 'objective' now by trying to do/advise something against something, but the long term effect may still be null. We may have lived in the illusion of that we have done something right for our kids but only time can tell whether such actually build or harm our kids in their overall emotional development journey (academic journey is always far easier to build than the emotional one)

Hey insider,
Your post worries me leh. I would hate to imagine that after all the effort - I certainly put in my share of the effort - I put in, in the end they'll all come to naught. :gloomy:

That's very sad isn't it? Surely I can mould and influence ds's character; I just need to find the right 'ingredients'.

Funz:

My biggest flaw is being too prideful. I did not like the idea of my child apologising when she has done no wrong. It is ok to still be friends with L but there is no need to go begging for her friendship. That is my pride speaking.

But .... but, that is not pride (the bad kind). That's just standing up for one's right. I would have told ds not to write such letters when it's obvious that he's not in the wrong. I would not stop him if he does, but then the rule I'll communicate clearly to him is, I do not want to hear any complains about L henceforth since he has made his choice.

[Busymom]

My DD also came to tell me something tonight, as she was telling me, I could feel my fever going up another notch and the splitting headache that I was having getting worse :mad:


She was sitting in a group of 5 girls during today's arts class. They were making rabbits with clay. Someone in the group commented that she doesn't like pink. My DD agreed that she too doesn't like pink. According to DD, someone then said pink colour is babyish. Yet another girl asked S why had she used pink to paint her rabbit if she doesn't like pink. S said that she thought pink looked nice on the rabbit. S then turned around and said that my DD was rude to make that comment about pink being babyish and questioning her about using pink if she doesn't like the colour. DD said she wasn't the one, S refused to listened and apparently no one owned up for making that comment. DD said she got into a big arguement with the rest as a result. Thereafter, S even told the arts teacher that DD didn't wash her paintbrush (which DD said she did) but got told off by the teacher instead to mind her own business. I guessed S wasn't happy and sort of told the whole group not to talk anymore, otherwise teacher would scold all of them.

When the lesson was over, DD tried to make peace with the all the 4 girls, but they apparently said no and it will be forever :roll: . As she didn't want to be without friends (this was in her own words and amongst the 4, there was someone whom she played with during recess everyday), she agreed to give them something nice in return - not sure if this was her suggestion or her friends' suggestion. The bribe is 3 tubes of glitter glue (not sure why it is 3 and not 4).

I asked her if she could have really said that pink was babyish but forgotten. She said no. She also said that she thought another person's comment about S using pink despite it being a colour that she doesn't like was rude. In fact, she was quite sure who made that second comment. I said to her then why didn't she turn to this other girl, TM, and ask her to own up saying that. DD said that she tried but got interrupted by S and she didn't have a chance after that. She also said she wasn't sure who made the comment that pink colour is babyish. I said this is a trivial thing to spend time arguing with her friends. If no one wants to believe her words, just ignore their comments and move on. She said she was afraid that if she didn't clear herself, S might complain to the teacher that she made that rude remark about pink colour being babyish. I told her she doesn't have to be worried about this, as that is just an opinion about a colour. There is nothing rude about it, just look at how teacher told off S to mind her own business about the paintbrush. DD said she is a chicken (yes she can be irritating so with her teachers in school), she is worried about getting scolded by the teacher.

I asked her what is she going to do about the 3 tubes of glitter glue. Buy with her pocket money? She asked if we have some at home. I said no, we do not! :mad: Told her that she shouldn't be buying friendship with bribes, especially if she believes she had not made those comments. To me, even if she had made those comments about pink colour, it is a moot point. She had gone to them to try to make up, but got rejected. To be accepted, she had to give them something nice. This is what I disagree with! Ask her if such friends are worth having? She said no. I told her that there is no need to buy those glue. She can go tell the other 4 girls that I said no. If they try to be difficult, she can go and tell her form teacher about it.

Would anyone have done this differently?

[Strparent]

I think too many parents are trying to impose their adult instinctive 'feelings and reactions' onto their DDs and DSs. They are just young children, we should just talk to them, and guide them and advise them.

Young children below 9 having friendship issues are common, but they will all blow over. They will look back and laugh next time - don't we all do that ?? :scratchhead:

markfch:

His answer was, \"I want to be kind, but if a big bully bullies me more than twice, I'll go report to the teacher.\" Oh yah, forget to add, my ds can be quite a complain king. That's his defence mechanism; a good one as I forbid him to retaliate physically if anyone hits him.

markfch,

I like this statement by yr DS. This is similar to what I advised to my DS when he was in P2 and then again in P5, when he encountered a tough bully. Only difference is the the physical part - boys ma. I thought scuffles and fights are part of the growing up process ? :oops: Even in the army, it is common, but usually soon after, all is forgotten and everybody gets on with each other again....usually.

I think for P3 and below, the incidents are minor. Different kids have different 'rough levels'. So it is not a big bully issue. When you reach upper primary and sec, similar cases are different.

For me, it is simple, do not retaliate the first time, warn him that if it happens again, you will fight back.....and mean it.

Everyone knows most bullies will back off if you are not afraid of them anymore.

In P5 there was this big boy who almost everyone is afraid of. He has been hitting , kicking many classmates, and all are a bit fearful of him when it comes to playtime. My DS was afraid of him the whole of P4. In P5, I told him enough is enough, stand up to him...and DS did. Maybe he got lucky, during the scuffle, the bully hit the floor hard, and started crying. That was that, no more nonsense from that boy. The other classmates were surprised and talked about the never-imagined scenario of the bully crying for days after that and so, a new policeman was born.

I DO NOT encourage DS to fight ( and he seldom does ) but boys will be boys. When you play football, basketball, rugby... fights and scuffles are common.

[Chenonceau]

Busymom... I wouldn't have done anything differently. It's good time to teach your daughter that friendship should not be bought (by not buying the 3 tubes of glitter glue, you've given action coaching). What I might have added is that friendships are often tested by such events and that if she is patient enough, a true friend will always come around (because I know that the little girls will forget the incident soon enough and be friends again). Meanwhile to get her through her pain, I will be very attentive and huggy and I'll let her know that Mommy will always be her friend...


Then I will wait for it to blow over. I find that moments when a child has just been hurt are wonderful teachable moments. So... in between offering your child emotional support to give pain relief, you would also help her a few steps towards understanding a healthy notion of friendship. Dun worry lah... you've done great.

:udawoman: