Cold Wars (with your spouse)

[yuanyuan mama]

Kompressor:

treasure-oneself:

mine is coming to 1yr.


we dun see eye to eye on lots of issues re children, even my maids also commented that he has a weird way of doing things that will cause more harm to kids in long run. once i disagreed with his method and told him i sandwiched between my parents and him, his reply was no need to sandwich just support him.

can see that he loves older child more and i really pitied my younger, yes younger is naughty and pushes boundaries. the worst was he shut younger in rm alone whenever child mis-behaved. i just kept quiet until i really can't take it and told him off that, that was the end of that issue.

used to work full time then switched to part time, he never fully supported me but allowed me cos no need to ferry kids to grandparents. now we cold war, he blamed me cos loss of income. prior to this, he say gd cos can have routine for kids.

partly bcos of this cold war, i am becoming more short tempered and admit that kids are suffering. he has new weird routines now cos older child in P1, separating lunchtime by 30-45min for kids. initially i tot ok fine, but now think it is a load of crap. the kids are being separated when they mis-behaved and now even lunch.

i admit i feel dependent on him, cos main breadwinner, scared of him (he never hit us) etc. i admitted to parents that i am staying on 1) kids still small, 2) low earning power, 3) single parent kids are more likely to have problems. i am also bidding my time when kids big then i want to leave.

Hi,
Bring him together for marriage counselling, if he is fine with that. It really helps to clear things up and reconcile the differences of two. Hope it's getting better.

[cherrygal]

My mom always advised not to let a cold war last more than a week. It becomes too awkward after that and takes double the effort to patch up. I prefer cold wars when I am not happy but luckily my DH is a guy who doesn’t mind apologizing first, even if I were unreasonable. That is in fact very clever of him. I will soften my stance and we will then talk it out calmly and hug.


So if you want peace at home, pride doesn’t matter and saying "sorry" is free.

[Strparent]

cherrygal:

My mom always advised not to let a cold war last more than a week. It becomes too awkward after that and takes double the effort to patch up. I prefer cold wars when I am not happy but luckily my DH is a guy who doesn't mind apologizing first, even if I were unreasonable. That is in fact very clever of him. I will soften my stance and we will then talk it out calmly and hug.


So if you want peace at home, pride doesn't matter and saying \"sorry\" is free.

cherrygal

well said. :salute:

imho, cold war is a NO-WIN situation, however long it last. Why can't just bring up whatever is bothering you and talk it out ?
Am sure if already did some thinking before getting married, a compromise is always possible. But the longer the cold war last, then the grudge just deepens and the situation will be covered by another layer of unhappiness and loathe, again and again.

Adults liao, still act like kids - dont want talk to you ! dont want friend you ! :slapshead: :slapshead:

[MummyThreeStreams]

The kids know when things aren’t right between the parents. I grew up in a dysfunctional family. Parents always fighting or cold warring. Parents always miserable. They have stayed together for all these years and still behave dysfunctionally.


I hated being at home and I avoid visiting my parents (one on one is OK coz then they aren’t fighting!)

The worst thing was I didn’t have a good model of what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like. I engaged in pretty much the same behaviors in my early relationships. It was only when I met my DH that I learnt how to maintain a healthy relationship. I don’t think my brothers have had such luck.

I like the comment made in a previous post, and I’d like to extend it. The best gift you can give a child is to love your partner and show it. They will learn from you and this will carry on into their lives, and into their children’s lives. If you have difficulty, please, please, seek help early. Don’t let your daughter think it’s OK to be helpless in a difficult relationship. Don’t let your son believe it’s OK to bully his way as head of the household.

[Kompressor]

MummyThreeStreams:

The kids know when things aren't right between the parents. I grew up in a dysfunctional family. Parents always fighting or cold warring. Parents always miserable. They have stayed together for all these years and still behave dysfunctionally.


I hated being at home and I avoid visiting my parents (one on one is OK coz then they aren't fighting!)

The worst thing was I didn't have a good model of what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like. I engaged in pretty much the same behaviors in my early relationships. It was only when I met my DH that I learnt how to maintain a healthy relationship. I don't think my brothers have had such luck.

I like the comment made in a previous post, and I'd like to extend it. The best gift you can give a child is to love your partner and show it. They will learn from you and this will carry on into their lives, and into their children's lives. If you have difficulty, please, please, seek help early. Don't let your daughter think it's OK to be helpless in a difficult relationship. Don't let your son believe it's OK to bully his way as head of the household.

I agree with you.

I also grew up with a crazy mum. We went to court and she was charged with child abuse 3 times! She is one hard person to handle and things were so bad that I told myself I would save up enough money and move out at 21! True enough, I did that at my 21st birthday. I did not regret doing that, think otherwise I would be in IMH now!

Now, if she is in a crazy mood, I will dissappear and get far far away from her. I am a very forgiving person, so if she is ok, I am more than welcome to see her, but if she is in a mad mood, I will dissappear from her!

[lifestylelink]

another cold wars…


This is what happen when i suggest
1. go sandy beach, no sand play, just walk the beach
2. go bottletree park, no guppy play, just walk under the hot sun
3. go playground, no messy sand, just tip toe and walk under the hot sun
4. go holiday, no program plan, just sleep in the room

??..???

[kboon2009]

Anyone knows a good marriage counsellor? Do they usually charge fees for their service or are they from some voluntary/government agency?


Thanks.

[buds]

No payment required but may need to arrange for appointment as they also serve cases referred by other agencies or ministries. FSC provides them. There’s usually one within the neighborhood.


If you’re looking for added spiritual counselling, approaching your faith group can offer some other alternatives as well.

[Dino_Mummy]

Hi treasure-oneself,


Be Strong and Clear.

Staying in an unhealthy marriage ‘for the sake of your children’ is not necessary the most healthy environment for them as well. They are young but are also human beings with feelings - they can sense if something is not right.

First, you can try and see if your hubby wants to work things to become more amicable at home (councelling? see some details below). If not, decide for yourself if this is the best way of life for you and your children.

People will usually advise against divorce but i personally think if the relationship and marriage is beyond hope, then this may be an option to consider.

I have been through worse - his debts in my name, him being jobless for almost a year, not working and not helping with household chores (still expects me to do after i come home from work), etc. I am moving on - getting a divorce. My sob story is beyond words and i rather drop details.

For every case that seems bad, there is always a worse case; so you need to be strong and clear in your mind on what you want out of your own life, my dear.

May God bless you with a clear mind and direct you in the right direction.

(Btw, i signed myself here to look for some phonics info for my son and i chanced upon this thread. So, be brave.)

Hi kboon2009,

Perhaps you can try AWARE:
The AWARE Helpline is open Monday to Friday from 3pm to 9.30pm.

Call 1800 774 5935 to speak to a Helpliner if you have a problem or want to find out more about our services.

OR if you are a church goer, there are couselling for marriage as well.

[Eagle-Ladybird]

For all those mummies who have experienced cold wars from daddies, please show him below message :


The Silent TreatmentA man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, He would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM And he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and See why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
The bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for this kind of contest, so don't start, hahahahaha !! Have a nice day